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Back and forth about HT...advice?

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9-Apr-12 10:11 pm

I keep going back and forth about going HT. Here's the deal...if I was a lot younger and dh was open to a bunch more kids, I wouldn't even consider HT. I don't mind having a whole bunch of boys as long as I get to experience a girl too! But I'm almost 35 and dh has agreed to ONE more, could maybe convince him to go for a 5th if #4 is another boy, but that's a BIG maybe. Even if he said ok, I don't have years and years to have more children. I have no ethical issues with PGD, my only issue is cost. We don't have the money for it...I could wait until we do, but then I feel like I'd be wasting baby-making years on something that may or may not happen. Or what if we somehow scraped together money for PGD and it was a BFN? Worried I read HT success stories and it makes me want to do it, but the HT "failure" stories scare me- the thought of spending a fortune and STILL having no dd is scary. The thought of wasting baby-making years on failed IVFs scares me (since from what I read it's easier to get PG naturally than through IVF, if you don't have any fertility issues).

Please give me some thoughtful advice! Or tell me how you decided whether to go HT or not, and why. If you had money issues, how did you come up with the money for HT? If you are in your mid-thirties or older and contemplating HT, where are you leaning?

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

 

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9-Apr-12 10:48 pm

Going High Tech is a big decision, and you are right to think it through like you have.  And it sounds as if you have done your homework; yes, many women DO spend all kinds of money and end up with no daughter.  However....many women spend that money and do get a daughter.

It was the truth in that last sentence that prompted me to TRY (yes try) high tech.  I, too, was reading the BFNs two years ago....but I was also reading about the BFPs.  I knew it was a gamble....but I got a certain mindset and stuck to it.  And it was simply this:  I was doing High Tech, and if I tried a few cycles and it didn't work, I would be at peace.  I would know in my heart that I did everything to get a daughter, and would truly be at peace with it.  I also knew, like you, that childbearing years do not last forever.  You are very smart to be considering this now.  The chances of success go way down as you approach 40 (though I have seen success stories in that age range). 

We are not rich, but I also knew that it costs alot more money to raise 4 or 5 kids than it does two, even if the second came from high tech.  The high tech price tag is a large lump sum at a single time, but the price of raising many kids over many years is alot more.  This also helped me in my decision.  Some facilities are associated (or were 2 years ago) with banks that will give you low interest rate loans, or loans with zero percent interest.  I also saved, saved, saved.  Its amazing how cutting many small things out of your spending adds up to hundreds (and then thousands) of dollars you can save.

The thing to be prepared for is the LENGTH of the process, and the rollercoaster.  First:  How do we get the money?   Then:  What clinic do I pick?  Then:  How is my pretesting (mine was lousy at 31, but only 5% of women encounter this at that age dont worry)  Then:  What do I do in response to pretesting results?  Then:  Will I get pregnant?  Then:  Will the pregnancy sustain itself (if it happens)?  Then: Will the baby be healthy?

This is not at all meant to discourage you, but this is the thought process I went through during the very long and wild ride high tech is.  I did get my daughter, but will never forget the process that brought her to us.  It makes me even more grateful than I could ever be, and I am very happy and blessed.  Good luck in whatever you decide, and take your time.  Feel free to ask questions, and the High Tech Forum is very helpful (I lived there two years ago LOL)

Baby Bear Boy Our little suprise!  Baby Bear Girl High Tech Born and here! May 9, 2011 ~Thank you GIVF, IG and thank you God!~ Read my blog    igsadierose@gmail.com

Angels DO walk this Earth.  I believe in the power of Pray 100%!!   "The temptation to quite will be the greatest just before you are about to succeed"--Chinese Proverb 

Jen

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9-Apr-12 11:31 pm

we saved up and i was really going to do it. i had it all planned out. but yes like you said how many cycles would i have to do to get a bfp. on average its 4 cycles, i don't have the money for 4 cycles. but i scrimped and saved every penny to put toward my dream. in the end we used the money for a vacation. i really snapped out of my depression. my family rocks! i have 5 girls and they were awesome. i didn't need a boy to feel complete. i didn't need a boy to make me happy, i just needed to wake up. so instead of failed ht cycles i made wonderful memories for my daughters.

   i know right now its hard to see that because your children are so young but it really does get better. right now you are up to your elbows in diapers, formula, no sleep, hormones still out of whack. i can't tell you whats right for you and your family but i can tell you it will get better. good luck with whatever you choose.

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10-Apr-12 2:09 am

Hello,

Not sure I'm qualified to answer this really, but thought I'd share what happened with us.
I approached my DH jokingly about going HT, and he all out said no way, no how.
His reasons were:

  • he'd never forgive himself if our daughters found out we went HT for a boy (he thinks it would mess their head up).
  • cost - he'd rather use the money on an investment for the children we have (like a house), than something not certain to even work.
  • he finds it a bit odd.

I understand his reasons, and I've never broached it again, I don't think I'd want to go HT now.
Like I say, I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer seeing as I have no experience. Sorry if this is unhelpful.

Good Luck in your decision

 

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10-Apr-12 9:07 am

Thank you ladies, and ALLof your POV and suggestions are very helpful!! Happy I'm still torn, but I really appreciate hearing diff points of view because I think it'll help me come to a decision finally.

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

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10-Apr-12 9:15 am

oooooheeeer"]

Not sure I'm qualified to answer this really

[/quote] 

You are absolutely qualified to answer!!! I want to hear from people like you who thought about going HT and decided not to, and why.[quote user="oooooheeeer:

  • he'd never forgive himself if our daughters found out we went HT for a boy (he thinks it would mess their head up).

 

This is actually a huge fear of mine too! I would die if me going HT hurt my boys! Sad 

 

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

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10-Apr-12 9:19 am

newbaby2011"]

 i didn't need a boy to feel complete. i didn't need a boy to make me happy, i just needed to wake up. so instead of failed ht cycles i made wonderful memories for my daughters.

[/quote] 

I love this! This is the part I'm still struggling with though- I still don't feel "complete" without a dd. I feel more complete than I've felt since I started having babies (DS3 is a dream baby and has cured a lot of my GD)...still, I'm not ready to move on w/o trying once more. I just wanna be part of that club I feelI have no access to, if that makes any sense?[quote user="newbaby2011:

   i know right now its hard to see that because your children are so young but it really does get better. right now you are up to your elbows in diapers, formula, no sleep, hormones still out of whack. i can't tell you whats right for you and your family but i can tell you it will get better. good luck with whatever you choose.

Thanks Happy

 

 

 

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

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10-Apr-12 9:32 am

sadierose:

 Feel free to ask questions, and the High Tech Forum is very helpful (I lived there two years ago LOL)

 

Thanks Sadierose!! I've been lurking on the HT forum for a very long time but decided to ask this question on the GD board b/c I wanted to hear the thoughts of ppl who weren't necessarily invested in HT or in the process of HT, as well as those who have done it. I figured on the HT board it will be mostly ppl who are in the process of HT. 

Are you stopping at 2 (there is no right or wrong answer, of course, I'm just curious!)? I've always wanted 3-5 kids so I am ok with 1 or 2 more (but dh will prob not go past 4...I could MAYBE convince him of a 5th but it would depend on our finances at the time).

If we had a ton of money I would start the process (HT) like, yesterday. I've had crazy thoughts cross my mind, like what if I try to get clomid from my doc (lie and say I am having trouble getting pg) so I could up my chance of getting twins (in my mind I was thinking twice the chance for a dd lol), but then I thought, well I could end up with twin boys!!! Confused And....it's a crazy idea, right? So...back to the drawing board. lol

Idk if I could get a loan, to be honest our credit scores are pretty bad (defaulted on student loan). We are in the process of improving our credit right now and it's gotten a little better but prob not good enough to get a loan.

 

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

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10-Apr-12 9:47 am
I never did succeed at high tech but I don't regret trying. At the time I needed to feel like I did all I could to try to make a dream come true. I knew 10 years down the road I would have had huge regrets not trying. The what if's would have haunted me forever. I was 34 when I did the first ms/iui and tried 4 more times with both iui and ivf for a very long 3 years before I finally gave up. Ironically I ended up getting pg with my dd with no swaying and on O day no less. I think if you feel the regret would be too great then definitely consider high tech.

 Heart  Heart 

3 failed MS/IUI's & 2 failed MS/IVF's                                                                                                   

 

 

                                                                                                       

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10-Apr-12 11:11 am

prettyinpink18:
I never did succeed at high tech but I don't regret trying. At the time I needed to feel like I did all I could to try to make a dream come true. I knew 10 years down the road I would have had huge regrets not trying. The what if's would have haunted me forever. I was 34 when I did the first ms/iui and tried 4 more times with both iui and ivf for a very long 3 years before I finally gave up. Ironically I ended up getting pg with my dd with no swaying and on O day no less. I think if you feel the regret would be too great then definitely consider high tech.
 

I remember your story!! Happy Is it okay if I ask a few questions? How did you pay for your HT tx? I think it's AWESOME you got your dd naturally after all of that!!!! Stories like yours steer me towards ttc naturally but I know that doesn't mean I'll have a dd. Still so confused!!! Surprise

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

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10-Apr-12 11:13 am

I know this should probably be a question for a separate thread, but have you or anyone you know concieved a girl on clomid??? Anyone here know if clomid sways one way or another? (I know, I sound desperate lol).

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

Jen

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10-Apr-12 11:20 am
they say clomid sways girl but i know alot of ladies who got boys on clomid too. i wasn't taking clomid but i did a girl sway ( accidently) and still got a boy. i wouldn't count on clomid just to get a girl. i think your odds are better with ht or adoption if you need that girl. i hate for you to be disappointed if you did get a boy or boys on clomid, it does happen.

Baby Bear Girl01, Baby Bear Girl03, Baby Bear Girl05, Baby Bear Girl09, Baby Bear Girl10Heartbroken, Baby Bear Girl11, Baby Bear Girl11Heartbroken, Baby Bear Boy12, Baby Bear Girl13Heartbroken

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10-Apr-12 11:31 am
It is complicated. For sure.

First you have to decide: do you want another CHILD or do you want a DAUGHTER? For me, I was happy with our two and decided if we were going to go through the headaches of raising another kid I only wanted to bother if we were getting to have the experience of raising a girl this time. So that meant that "natural" TTC was out for us.

Then you have to decide if you'll be okay spending gobs of money and bringing home no baby at the end. Will it have been worth it to try? You can't know for sure, but do you best to put yourself at 37, with say $40,000 additional in debt, and no daughter - are you okay with that?

In our case, we had a lot of insurance coverage for IVF, and a pretty decent savings account (I don't say this to brag, but to put our experience in perspective to explain our choices.) We decided that it was worth the try because our financial situation was really okay and we could still afford some small (!) luxuries and retirement and college savings. We didn't feel like we would be taking TOO much way from our boys by doing IVF.

Last, you have to decide if you will be okay without a daughter. I knew I would be, but that it honestly would always haunt me. It also helps to decide where and when you will STOP. We knew this was our last round, period - not one more penny towards IVF. We had turned towards adoption, picked a country, and had already started paperwork when this Hail Mary IVF round worked.

I hope that helps a little bit. I know exactly where you are, it was years before I could make a decision about what road to take. Good luck in all of your decisions!
Sarah Mom to two perfect, adorable, amazing boys! Starting IVF/PGD for a little girl on 5/26/2010 IVF 1: right ovary inaccessible, no transfer (no normal females out of 4 embies) IVF2: cancelled: severe allergic reaction to Lupron IVF3: no normal females out of 5 embies IVF4: 7 eggs retrieved, 4 fertilized - frozen to batch PGD with last cycle IVF5: 7 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized. Fresh + frozen to PGD = TWO HEALTHY FEMALES! Transfer 3/11, BFN IVF6: 6 eggs retrieved, 3 eggs fertilized = ONE healthy female! BFN IVF7: 1 egg retrieved! :-(, fertilized - frozen to batch PGD with *last* cycle IVF8: 5 eggs retrieved, 4 fertilized, 3 grew, batched with frozen = ONE healthy female! Transfer 3/4/12 - BFP!!! Miscarriage at 11 weeks. Looks like we're a two-boy family forever!

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10-Apr-12 12:40 pm

newbaby2011:
they say clomid sways girl but i know alot of ladies who got boys on clomid too.
 

Yeah, that's whatI thought. Clomid's out lol.

Baby Bear Boy '06 Baby Bear Boy '09 Baby Bear Boy '11

I'm in no way "disappointed" that I have sons, I just want the chance to raise a daughter as well. Happy Wink

Want to try for a Baby Bear Girl early next year! Pray

formerly Saggyrl11

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10-Apr-12 12:47 pm
Havebluwantp1nktoo"]

[quote user="prettyinpink18:

I never did succeed at high tech but I don't regret trying. At the time I needed to feel like I did all I could to try to make a dream come true. I knew 10 years down the road I would have had huge regrets not trying. The what if's would have haunted me forever. I was 34 when I did the first ms/iui and tried 4 more times with both iui and ivf for a very long 3 years before I finally gave up. Ironically I ended up getting pg with my dd with no swaying and on O day no less. I think if you feel the regret would be too great then definitely consider high tech.[/quote] 

I remember your story!! Happy Is it okay if I ask a few questions? How did you pay for your HT tx? I think it's AWESOME you got your dd naturally after all of that!!!! Stories like yours steer me towards ttc naturally but I know that doesn't mean I'll have a dd. Still so confused!!! Surprise

We used money from savings which we could afford to lose (as dh put it). I have come to believe that trying naturally is truly 50/50. I have seen some really good sways fail and just as many stories of girls like me. I know what a difficult decision this all is. Finding peace was all I ever wanted. Finally getting pg with my 3rd was that peace because 3 was our limit and my idea of a perfect family and after 14 months of trying I wasn't sure I would ever get a 3rd baby. Wishing you luck with your decision. :)

 Heart  Heart 

3 failed MS/IUI's & 2 failed MS/IVF's                                                                                                   

 

 

                                                                                                       

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