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What am I missing out on???

Posts: 263

Joined 10-Jan-12

2-Apr-12 7:41 am
I've got two little boys aged 4 1/2 and 3 years old! We did a good sway last October in hopes of a little girl to complete our family, the sway failed and we now have boy #3 arriving early July! I'm having a really hard time dealing with my mixed emotions after always hoping to be a parent to both genders :-( I'm going to therapy and sometimes I do feel a little inner peace with my future of most likely only ever raising my boys but a huge chunk of me feels that I'm going to miss out if I never get the chance of raising a daughter! So I'm asking you ladies that are Rising Above this horrible situation, What am I missing out on? Or is it really just all in my crazy mind??? I so want to feel good about my little boy who's on his way but I've an awful feeling that I'm just not going to be able to accept my life and that I will always feel cheated and depressed :-( please help !!! I've also decided to stay off the GD forum as I felt it bringing me down a lot.... so I've being spending time reading through the Rising Above forum with hopes that I will start to feel more positive about my lifewith three boys x
 

Posts: 38

Joined 9-Dec-11

2-Apr-12 10:05 am
For me, it was letting go of that thought. "Oh, I must be missing out on X since I don't have a girl." Once in a while something reminds me that I don't have any daughters, but that isn't a part of my life every day. I dont spend time looking at girls and girl things but instead try to let my boys take over. They keep me pretty busy, with our activities and things, so I don't have a lot of time to wallow in misery or anything. And usually, when I do look up and breathe, it's OK. Not saying I would not like to have a daughter, but I know it will be OK if we never have one, if we stop having children now, or if we have one more and it's another boy (I have to still wrap my head around feeding five boys, lol). But it was time that got me here. I do remember that feeling of sadness when I found out #3 was a boy, but it went away before he arrived, and after he was here, it was totally OK.

Baby Boy 2004 Heartbroken Baby Boy 2006Baby Boy 2008 Baby Boy 2011 kinda sorta maybe thinking about swaying for Baby Girl

Posts: 87

Joined 30-Mar-09

2-Apr-12 8:08 pm

I could have written this post 2 years ago when I was pg with my third boy.  Oh I felt so sad and hurt and being pg didn't help with all the hormones and peoples comments and stuff. I love boys and I was utterly delighted with my first ds but by the time I was pg with my third I was really hoping for a girl ( always wanted both genders). It is now 2 years later and I barely think about it now, really. My third ds is such a wonderful child, I wouldn't trade him for anyone, he is my little angel baby. Time helps and now that I am not in the baby stage anymore I can actually have a good night sleep and think about myself for a change. The baby/toddler stage is so exhausting and all consuming and all I really thought about was my kids.  Now that they are a little more independent its nice to have time for me again and the gender thing just doesn't seem as important as it used to. I really don't think I am missing out on too much, I mean yeah it would have been great but it just didn't happen for me and that is okay. I can still do girly stuff for myself or with friends or my nieces. I figure I have lived 39 years without a daughter and i've been pretty happy so why would the next part of my life be any different? Sure I don't get that particular experience but there are a lot of things i didn't to experience,  I always wanted to live in Paris and be a size 2 and that is just not happening! 

My three boys are amazing. i love their brother bond and they make me laugh every single day.  By the way I think that boy clothes are just adorable and I am stunned that people think they are so ugly! The GD forum can be a great place to vent and commiserate about certain things but lets face it most people in there want girls and for a mom of boys it can hurt like crazy.  Towards the end of my pg I had to stay away because the boy bashing was too hard to take.

Honestly, I am more content with my family everyday. Now that my boys are older we can do fun things together, we are going on our first official family vacation where I won't be chasing after a baby/toddler and I am so looking forward to it. 

Pick out a name you love, buy some adorable new outfits and nursery stuff for your new little man, it will make you feel better.  Trust me, you will be fine and you will love your little family of boys. 

 

Posts: 263

Joined 10-Jan-12

3-Apr-12 8:11 am
Thanx ladies for your support, it's reassuring to hear from others who have been where I am right now! These mix of emotions are just bloody awful to say the very least! My head is going crazy trying to rationalize these thoughts, what you said "Winter" about being 39 years of age and not having a daughter in those years of your life and you've been happy for all them years kinda makes sence in a way, but it's always being a picture in my head having my little boy and little girl! wish I could just block out any thought of believing I'm missing out by not having a daughter but I feel so certain that I am! Yes the girl cloths are so damn cute, and I know that there is some cute boy cloths also (just gotta search harder for them) but I feel it goes way deeper than all them material things for me! I just wanted the life experience of having both genders in my life, it feels to me that it will be a life half lived with not having my little girl! I can't believe my chance is come and gone, how is it possible that I've missed out??? Im a good person, alway going out my way to help others before meeting my own needs at times, Why can't I just have one of my dreams come true? I keep going through the what ifs and I know it's not helping but I do feel that I've ruined it by not swaying 100% or maybe by doing shettles instead of 0+12 method or just not researching enough on the possabity of HT, but I didn't even realize HT was an option until I recently spoke to my Ob and found ingender forum :-( if only I had known more! I'm struggling with the choosing a name for this baby boy also, I think Reid is a good strong name but I'm not sure that hubby is so keen! Going to go look at baby cloths tomorrow but I just know that my heart will be breaking when I have to walk on by the girl section! God damn it..... It was meant to be MY turn! I hope time heals but right now I can't see it ever healing! What am I really going to feel for this little boy when he arrives? Am I going to resent him for not being the daughter I so needed to complete my family :-(

Posts: 38

Joined 9-Dec-11

3-Apr-12 8:59 am
Maybe instead of saying "what did I miss out out and why isn't it my turn?" think instead that you have a chance to raise three good men. The world needs more good men in it. And that is your turn ;) Does that make sense? I get what you are saying....I told sme friends that I wish I had a girl because I have lots to pass on to the next generation of women when I found out #3 and #4 were boys, but it is what it is. Instead, I am raising boys who appreciate strong women, who will be encouraging and kind to women. And yes, you will love that boy, and eventually, you will forget. It won't always take over your life. It gets easier when they are more independent. ...... Wish I could figure out how to make paragraphs instead of one long run on paragraph.

Baby Boy 2004 Heartbroken Baby Boy 2006Baby Boy 2008 Baby Boy 2011 kinda sorta maybe thinking about swaying for Baby Girl

Posts: 87

Joined 30-Mar-09

3-Apr-12 7:58 pm

superwomen:
I hope time heals but right now I can't see it ever healing! What am I really going to feel for this little boy when he arrives?
 

Oh superwomen,  be gentle with yourself, it is so hard being pg and having these feelings, dam pregnancy hormones! I have been where you are and it gets better I promise. When I was pg i had a hard time thinking of my new baby, I didn't bond with any of my children before I saw them and it was hard to imagine loving the new baby as much as i loved my first two.  It was hard to get excited about having another boy, I love boys but i thought "been there done that". After he was born, oh my god, i was in love.  As for the gd feelings, well they didn't disappear immediatly but over time they got less and less. My new son fit right in with our family and he was just the perfect addition. You will feel the same, give it some time.  Hugs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posts: 263

Joined 10-Jan-12

4-Apr-12 8:38 am
Went to the shops today and got my big boys some new cloths for winter, as usual it was a struggle finding anything appealling in the boys section :-/ and I just couldn't stop thinking oh crap.... I'm going to have to go through this all over again with boy #3 the new born boys cloths are ok, it's just a struggle as they get older, nothing but t-shirts with motorbikes, cars n all that yuk stuff :-( so frigging boring!!! After I finally found my two big boys a few decent things I was so dis-heartened with the whole boy situation I couldn't bring myself to even look at baby cloths! But it was not a good day for me and I even phoned up my therapist to see if I could see her today rather than having to Wait till next week, but no... She was booked out! Went to the pharmacy and asked if there was anything natural I could take to help ease my anxiety, got some DR Bach plant drop remedy that they say might help! With my boy #2 I was also in a really bad place, had therapy and dr put me on medication "zoloft" hated being on them while pregnant but apparently I needed them, I still feel guilty to this day having to take them with the fear of harming my child! Well of course he seems normal except for the normal 3 year old attitude at the moment! My Ob said they were safe to take but this time round I sooo don't want to take them, So I'm trying to be strong however the last few days I've been really down! My Hubby has been really supportive but like most men he is kinda like "pull yourself together you've got nothing to be unhappy about we've got 3 healthy boys and your missing out on nothing with not having a girl" he says I need to get happy for my two boys and for him coz I'm just going to drag us all down! I know he speaks good sence but it's just not that easy! I feel so much guilt and regret at the moment, shouldn't of had this baby, why would I want a third boy coz I've got two, just needed my girl to feel complete, such a sad place to be in and it's just not getting any easier, instead it seems to be getting harder, I can't stop thinking what if! You ladies are so lovely and your kind words of support do bring some comfort and I do thank you for your support! I just feel so lost right now :-( and it doesn't help that my sister has two little girls and just had her opposite, a boy 5weeks ago, she is on cloud nine, and here i am feeling so insanely jealous of what she has and she is the type of sister who is not so giving in nature, treats our parents rudely at times, yet she still gets what she wants! But no... Not me! I feel so bitter right now.

Posts: 434

Joined 28-Nov-10

Top Poster
6-Apr-12 12:54 am

superwomen:
My Hubby has been really supportive but like most men he is kinda like "pull yourself together you've got nothing to be unhappy about we've got 3 healthy boys and your missing out on nothing with not having a girl"

I think your husband is either blissfully ignorant or just plain stupid.  OF COURSE you are missing out on a lot of things not having a daughter, and its going to hurt not being able to experience those things.  Boys and girls are just different and that's why most people yearn to have one of each.

But with crisis comes opportunity. 

I know I feel so left out as my boys get older. BMX mountain biking, basketball, football, baseball, hunting, fishing....all with their Dad while I'm left at home alone.  That's the crisis.

The opportunity is that I'll have a lot of free time on my hands to do what I want to do. An art class, horsebackriding lessons, go to Thai cooking school.

I've always, always dreamed of retiring to Hawaii with a home near the beach.  If I had a daughter, I would never  do it because I'd feel that I needed to be living close by.  When my sons grow into men and have families of their own I won't feel guilty only visiting the Mainland a few visits per year.

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Pray for a Baby Girl to complete our family!

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Posts: 511

Joined 29-Oct-08

Top Poster
8-Apr-12 4:04 pm

I like your thinking JackiesHope!  Maybe I'll plan to retire in Hawaii too!  I also plan to start studying to become a midwife, and feel that that will be easier as a career to have with boys at home not girls.  Since I'll be overloaded by women and estrogen at work I will have some balance when I come home to all my boys!

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Posts: 263

Joined 10-Jan-12

14-Apr-12 9:00 pm
Why ain't the days getting easier??? Still waking up early with feeling sick to the stomach with worry, regret, sadness :-( I pray for acceptance but I'm just not feeling any better! Still going to therapy but I'm not sure it's helping much, read the book "altered dreams" and I find myself reading over and over the same chapter trying to take in the positives of my situation, wondering if anyone has tried Hypnotherapy? What really doesn't help is my sister just getting her boy after two girls :-( I feel so bitter and jealous!

Posts: 340

Joined 12-Dec-11

Top Poster
15-Apr-12 3:41 am
Okay, I actually feel through the other side of this now and asked myself the same questions over the last couple of months. A first I thought it was all the pink and frills etc but actually, as lovely as that would be, I don't really mind not having it. I then thought things like ballet classes and Barbie dolls, but again when I really think about it, as much as that's a novelty at first it very quickly becomes another pain in the butt event whe you have to get to the class on time, have uniform day on time etc etc and the Barbie thing, well yes it would be lovely to give those things to a daughter but actually I would find it unbelievably boring to have to join in and play Barbie. I d find girls tend to need more attention of you to play these things with them where as my boys just get on with it by themselves and this seems to be quite common. Next up, I thought about my dh missing out on a daddies girl... I lost my dad when I was young and always loved the thought of my girl having the daddy I missed out on... Now, again, this would have been amazing to watch but we both know life would've been more stressful with a girl as she got older, especially if she has my temperament or even worse if she was like my annoying mother in law or sister in law..... Not sure I could handle that! So with all those things off the list I was starting to feel better. One remaining thing is that I do feel a slight embarrassment, I know I should care what people think of me but I know people will feel sorry for me having 3 boys and I don't want that... But hey, that's me giving a damn about what others think and it is superficial. The thing I actually feel I will miss out on and it is sad is that I will never get a chance to pass down my womanly wisdom... Not ever... My boys can have tshirts saying "just like daddy" but I'll never have a girl to impart all the things on I wish I have know like little things like how to apply make up and then bigger things like realising that, that boy at 14 doesn't have to break your heart or that, that group of girls are just bullies, what they say doesn't count or that you are a strong woman, you can have anything you want in life. So yes, it is sad that something so huge will be missed out on but I do find mums of girls stress over this stuff way more than us boy mums, they want to get it right to make up for what they didn't have maybe and there's part of me that feels relieved that I won't have that extra stress. After all, I could pass on what ever tips I want - doesn't mean she'd take any notice, in fact, if she's anything like me, she wouldn't listen to a word of it and would see me as the enemy and actually I actually couldn't stand the thought of a daughter that doesn't listen to me - does that make sense. I really feel its helped me see through my lost dream and I do think a boys life is way easier than a girls one and I look forward to the future. I can't remember are you in the US? Fortunately sOme of the shops over here have the most adorable older boys stuff, when I look at the stuff my 9 year old niece wears its not half as cute as the things my 4 year old niece wears and the 9 year old gives my sister NO SAY what so ever in what she wears, she just point blank doesn't wear some of the stuff. Hope things get easier for you x
Proud mummy of 2 wonderful boys and now a 3rd one one the way

Posts: 263

Joined 10-Jan-12

15-Apr-12 5:29 am
Hey Ruby Red, yep.... Everything you say makes so much sense, the little girl cloths, ballet classes and all that stuff are super cute but it only lasts for a short time, so I think I can get my head and heart around that one, but of course, I still wanted to experience it! The one big thing that's making my heart ache is never knowing what my liitle girl would of looked like :-( that's really hard for me, and just today I went out for a girls outing with family including my sister and her eldest daughter ( she was all dressed up so girly and pretty, to see a stage show musical! And everywhere I looked was mother/daughter combos, my heart ached! I kept noticing little girls that I think my daughter would of looked like..... Painful! As if it wasn't hard enough just being around my sister that now has a little boy also, just a few weeks old :-( I feel she is going to find such delight in the fact that myself and our sister in law only have boys and yes... She has both! I'm not in the US but I've been checking out websites to try find nice boy cloths, nextdirect seem to have some nice stuff so I'm going to put an order through soon I think! Shame all us mums can't meet up in person and talk through our feelings! At least we do have this site I guess, I feel like I need someone to re wire my brain and way of thinking, you sound like your coping not to badly, wish I could just accept this is my life and stop feeling the hurt, regret, sadness and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach! Thanks for your support Ruby Red x

Posts: 340

Joined 12-Dec-11

Top Poster
15-Apr-12 5:51 am
I know what you mean, I know exactly what "my girl" wouldve looked like and it is sad I can't dream her into existence and yes, I agree your sis will probably be really smug, I know that's what will happen to me too - us women can be our own worst enemies.. I'm already planning ways to counter act that with nice holidays, things of pathetic material wealth that really mean nothing to me but give me something to be smug about - how sad is that but I feel I have to lol! Yep I've got some lovely buts from next, my boys look like little boyband members ;) ted baker is nice and boden river island and zara all have some lovely stuff! We'll get through this and we can be the smug ones when ours are teenagers. Was thinking after my last post that I think being just a boy mum can make you feel as though your job as a parent isn't as important, our boys won't learn to be men from us... So I'm going to think if ways I can make lasting impacts on their lives ... Just think when a celeb male takes his plus 1 to a premier, it's generally a girlfriend or his mother , we are obviously v important to our boys! (you don't see celeb females take their mums!)
Proud mummy of 2 wonderful boys and now a 3rd one one the way

Posts: 263

Joined 10-Jan-12

15-Apr-12 9:26 am
Ruby_red:
I know what you mean, I know exactly what "my girl" wouldve looked like and it is sad I can't dream her into existence and yes, I agree your sis will probably be really smug, I know that's what will happen to me too - us women can be our own worst enemies.. I'm already planning ways to counter act that with nice holidays, things of pathetic material wealth that really mean nothing to me but give me something to be smug about - how sad is that but I feel I have to lol! Yep I've got some lovely buts from next, my boys look like little boyband members ;) ted baker is nice and boden river island and zara all have some lovely stuff! We'll get through this and we can be the smug ones when ours are teenagers. Was thinking after my last post that I think being just a boy mum can make you feel as though your job as a parent isn't as important, our boys won't learn to be men from us... So I'm going to think if ways I can make lasting impacts on their lives ... Just think when a celeb male takes his plus 1 to a premier, it's generally a girlfriend or his mother , we are obviously v important to our boys! (you don't see celeb females take their mums!)
Yes, so true with daughter celebs Ruby Red! I already feel my sisters smugness starting, now that she has both genders, I think she is going to be one of my biggest gd triggers which is not good as I can't hardly avoid her coz she's family! She always seems to get what she wants in life even though she treats her own parents poorly at times and is rather selfish, really gets to me coz I've always bent over backwards to be there for my parents and other with often being the one who goes without :-( just all seems so damn un just!

Posts: 340

Joined 12-Dec-11

Top Poster
15-Apr-12 3:20 pm
Yep, again I know exactly what you mean... You just wonder what they are sitting doing that is giving them all these things for no real effort :( its very unfair. It's the sort of thing that I really can't think of a way round either, I mean, it's there, clear and simple, they have the perfect pigeon pair and we don't, so much so that we have what most women consider the worst comination to have. Really sad :( maybe that's one of the things that we need to try and work on, not caring what other people think because if you take them out of the equation then 3 boys is a lot easier to think about. Actually, that in itself is another plus to just boys... Girls seem to care so much about what others think, my dh couldn't care less... I'm glad I won have to watch a child of mine have that attitude that I have. I actually found at first it made me readjust my thinking a bit that actually life is just down to luck and all the good we do in it doesn't have to get us anywhere so feel I want to make a point of just living for the moment more.
Proud mummy of 2 wonderful boys and now a 3rd one one the way
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