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Realization about GD being fueled a lot by others

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1-Mar-12 8:44 am

Hi ladies,

As you know, I have been dealing with GD for a week and have been doing a lot of soul searching. Sometimes when I first wake up in the morning, I wake up with a thought and it is quite clear - like the night helped me see things more clearly. This morning, I woke up with the realization that at this point, I would say 75% of my GD is fueled by what other people are going to think and say about us having a 2nd boy. Because over the past week, it has been possible for me to become excited about this baby again, looking forward to meeting him (that wa snot the case for the first 24hrs - I was mad at the baby for being another boy). Also, DS has been interested too, rubbing my belly and asking questions (of course, it doesn't hurt that his preference is for a brother and thank God for that - at least someone will be happy - DH had no preference btw). So it seems that within our little family, inclusing my parents, things for me are ....ok - not over the moon for me as it would be if expecting a girl, but ok.

What I'm fearing now is how the outside world is going to react and judge us. The idea that some people may pity us just makes me crazy. Already, two relatives have said they hope it's a girl.... grrr. I am a proud person, always have been, and I don't like to lose face. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the self-esteem and perfectionnism issues I have. I'm trying to work on that in therapy.... but it's hard. It's years and years of thinking that way that must be re-programmed. I actually have my hypnotherapy appointment this morning too to further help me with this - I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, just wanted to share...Happy Wink  Has anyone felt the same?

 

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1-Mar-12 9:25 am

There are two things I can tell you.

First, you're not alone. I've been there, struggling with those same issues, and years later I still feel occasional twinges of worry wondering if people are judging me or my family. I don't know that it ever completely goes away, but I promise you that you will be every bit as proud of your second child as you will your first. You won't just have some random crew of boys with you; they'll be your children, and even if you still ache for a girl, you won't want to trade the kids you have. It's also a lot easier to brush off any comments people might make when you can relate them to an actual person rather than someone you haven't even met yet. You may even find that for every person you meet who pities you, there's another one who actually burns with envy. (In my experience, it's the latter group who says the most hurtful things.)

Second, if you have gotten this close to the heart of your GD and are committed to continuing to work on it from now on, you are already WAY ahead of the game. If anyone has the tools necessary to come out the other side, it's someone like you. It takes time and hard work, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes just hearing that helps.

Happy Sunshine  2003   Happy Sunshine  2006   Happy Sunshine  2009

Three times lucky ... and we're done. Hearts

Jen

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1-Mar-12 10:33 am
coldwater is right, all i ever wanted was 2 boys and i was so jealous of ladies just like you who so easily got exactly what i wanted while i just got girl after girl after girl. now im finally having a boy and do you know what someone said to me??? i excitedly announced to a so-called friend i was finally getting a boy! "ohhh... well i guess you ruined your winning streak." that hurt worse then a punch to the belly. its hard to be excited when people say mean things to you. but everytime i was pregnant with a girl i got, "ohh,, well whats wrong with your husband? why can't he make a boy?" you be excited, im excited for you, you got my dream family and i think thats great! congrats

Baby Bear Girl01, Baby Bear Girl03, Baby Bear Girl05, Baby Bear Girl09, Baby Bear Girl10Heartbroken, Baby Bear Girl11, Baby Bear Girl11Heartbroken, Baby Bear Boy12, Baby Bear Girl13Heartbroken and another little on her way!

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1-Mar-12 10:53 am

ColdWater is right, I also find that for every person who "pities" you, there's another one who tells me I'm very lucky.  I mean, I literally had a lady who followed me out of the bathroom, tapping me on the shoulder to tell me that same gender siblings are great and that my family is lucky.  So I am proud of my family because I know where ever I go, I know someone will think my family is wonderful.  Even if the other half may not think so. 

And I truly think brothers are awesome!  I have no clue why anyone would make dumb comments about that because boys growing up together is perfect!  Just like I feel that sisters are great too.  If those dumb people start giving you problem, just tell them, I'm glad my son will now have a bestfriend.  I tell people who thinks PP are the ideal and they make a point to tell me that, I always reply with, "I used to think like that too, but now when I see them being so close to each other, I think sisters are just something special, have you considered trying for a third so you get to experience it too?".  And that always shut them up, lol.  Don't get me wrong, I think PP families are great too, I only say that to people who make a point to tell me that "they got lucky and don't need to try anymore."

Have two Baby Girl!  Expecting baby girl #3 in April! 3 of a kind! :) She's here and I am over my GD!  Our family is complete. Hearts

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1-Mar-12 11:26 am

well dont you worry,you are about to have a family i always dreamed of,after my DS1 i always wanted a brother for him,now he is having a sister and i am really upset,i dont like the pigeon pair at all,i always wanted to be surrounded by boys,so dont worry,i am envious of you and you might be envious of me having one of each.

best of luck thou for next time

Baby Boy 2008 expecting a Baby Girl may 2012 thou dreamed for a Baby Boy

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1-Mar-12 12:29 pm

 Thanks so much for your comments.

1) It's nice to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, since some of you are further along in the GD acceptance process than I am and

2) It's nice to know that some women like and even prefer boys! It seemed at some point like I was surrounded by women who preferred girls and that hurt. One of them, knowing I had a boy, said while pg with her first that she really hoped for a girl because they were cuter, clothes were nicer, etc... Then for their second, her DH wanted a boy and again, she clearly stated that she wanted a second girl (and it wasn't because she wanted her DD to have a sister - it was a clear gender preference). I dunno, I found that insulting to me and the other mom present who had a boy. If I were not trying to overcome this, I would feel like such a LOSER next to her... but I really try not to. In fact, we are going to see less and less of these people because hey, why hang out with people who have no respect for your feelings (there were other comments too)?

 Quick question - a relative of mine already has a boy and announced on FB that she was pg again (too early to tell the gender). One other female relative wrote back: "Congratulations! Maybe a girl this time?". Do you think that female relative would have said: "Maybe a boy next time?" if that mom already had a girl? In other words, is it the alternation in gender that most people wish for, or do you think it's the fact that the majority of women simply prefer girls?

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1-Mar-12 1:46 pm
Photo-Girl:

 Quick question - a relative of mine already has a boy and announced on FB that she was pg again (too early to tell the gender). One other female relative wrote back: "Congratulations! Maybe a girl this time?". Do you think that female relative would have said: "Maybe a boy next time?" if that mom already had a girl? In other words, is it the alternation in gender that most people wish for, or do you think it's the fact that the majority of women simply prefer girls?

Guess it can vary from person to person, but when a good friend of mine on FB became pregnant with her second baby (first being a girl), everyone was rooting boy second time around. Happy  She's due in April with her son and and everyone was SO unbelievably happy for her when she announced her gender scan showed boy.

Baby BoyBaby BoyBaby Boy and and a a baby Baby Bear Boy due May 30th, 2013!

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1-Mar-12 1:59 pm

I think if she had a girl already, that relative would say "Maybe a boy this time".  Because I got asked that a few times and I know my friends who have boys get asked the opposite. 

Have two Baby Girl!  Expecting baby girl #3 in April! 3 of a kind! :) She's here and I am over my GD!  Our family is complete. Hearts

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1-Mar-12 2:40 pm

Thanks ladies. It makes me feel better that we are not in some boy-loathing society that I sometimes feel I'm in!!

And about people systematically making gender comments when someone is pg, I must say that before having kids, I was guilty of that too. BUT now that I know first hand it can be such a sensitive issue, I totally refrain. In fact, I have a couple of friends with two boys whom I know had GD, but I always made it a point to check out their baby boys, sometimes take them in my arms and gush over how cute they were (it was sincere but yes, part of it was to help them with their GD). I think when someone announces their pgcy now, my first question will NEVER be "so, do you know the gender yet?", but "so, how has the pgcy been, are you feeling well, when's the due date, is DS or DD excited, etc."...

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1-Mar-12 4:02 pm

 Photo-Girl, you replied to my post about the whole facebook situation bringing my friend down so I think you REALLY get how outsiders can make GD ten times worse or even make it appear when it wasn't there at all.  All three times when I was on that bed getting my gender confirming ultrasounds, I felt a moment of peace and pure joy of knowing that my babies were perfectly healthy, reguardless of gender.  Although I would have loved to have had a girl, it was a feeling of calm and accomplishment.  Those feelings never lasted long because of what I knew others would have to say about "another boy."  Its sad and its bullcrap that a woman can't enjoy her pregnancy because of fear of others being disappointed in her unborn baby.  You seem like such a smart, caring lady.  Its great that you go out of your way to make sure you "coo" over your friends baby boys.  I had a dear friend who had her first child last month, a baby boy, and I was surprised at how people reacted upon seeing him as compared to how I had seen them act with other friends who had just given birth to baby girls.  Grouchy

 Proud momma of 3 lovely boys and due with baby #4 sometime in July.  Baby Bear Boy Braden Ty, Baby Bear Boy Brody Parker, Baby Bear Boy Briar Sage.    

Readyforbaby3

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1-Mar-12 4:19 pm

 If this makes you feel any better, you get a lot more comments when you're pregnant than after the baby is born.  I'm thinking of not finding out the gender of my next one because I don't want to deal with the comments people will inevitably make if it's a third boy.  They are less likely to say something if the baby is already there, in my opinion.

One way to deal with this is if people say "Oh another boy?"  Say something like "Yes, I got lucky both times!"  That usually quiets people.  I got all kinds of comments when I was pg with boy #2.  One person said "You have to keep going till you get a girl."  Or I got "You HAVE to have a daughter."  Have to?  Is there some kind of law?

 grr, but it does get better after the baby is born.  You may still get comments but it's not as bad.

Baby Bear Boy  2007 Baby Bear Boy 2010 Baby Bear Girl 2013

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1-Mar-12 4:42 pm

Photo-Girl:
2) It's nice to know that some women like and even prefer boys! It seemed at some point like I was surrounded by women who preferred girls and that hurt. One of them, knowing I had a boy, said while pg with her first that she really hoped for a girl because they were cuter, clothes were nicer, etc... Then for their second, her DH wanted a boy and again, she clearly stated that she wanted a second girl (and it wasn't because she wanted her DD to have a sister - it was a clear gender preference). I dunno, I found that insulting to me and the other mom present who had a boy. If I were not trying to overcome this, I would feel like such a LOSER next to her... but I really try not to. In fact, we are going to see less and less of these people because hey, why hang out with people who have no respect for your feelings (there were other comments too)?
 

 

Honestly it's very refreshing to hear people being over the moon, jumping for joy over a baby boy because the scenario you explained is so similar to ppl I used to be surrounded with. (And of course we should be the same with girls too). It was (and probably still is) incredibly girl frenzy that everyone wanted girls only and pity and act smug if you have a boy..and yes even ONE boy in their eyes is bad and can easily cause severe GD/resentment for those expecting their first son. Some would ask others who have are expecting their 2nd 3rd..etc if it's another girl, not "what you are having" and if you say boy they will say that's too bad and all that shit. They're stupid and that woman you mentioned who wants only girls for "cute clothes, being cute" and all that superficial things..she needs to grow up. I wouldn't be afraid to tell her to don't even bother with a second baby if you just want a daughter to treat as an accessory. (common here too). She can just get a barbie doll instead and do that because if she gets pregnant, she'll be dealing with reality and if it's a girl, her "little barbie doll" will eventually grow out of being cutsy and pink because her kid's a real human, not a toy. 

And also, it's best to ignore people who have ridiculous expectations (like you having a girl-you can't control that! And even though they think it's nice to have a girl, they still should be over the moon you are having a little boy..a baby is a baby!0) and second of all they are making themselves fools for judging you. LIke they say, those who judge others will be more judged themselves. Personally in other related things, I learned not to take those things personally because 1) What do they know?? and 2). They should let us live and let live.

 

Proud auntie to..

Baby Girl P born November 18, 2000
Baby Girl E born May 30, 2003
Baby Girl D born December 1, 2004
Baby Girl N born September 5, 2006
Baby Girl M born June 3, 2008
Baby Boy D born June 27, 2008
Baby Girl Y born July 19, 2008
Baby Boy G born November 2, 2009
Baby Boy C born November 26, 2010
Baby GirlBaby Girl E & F born October 9, 2011
Baby Girl A born October 24, 2011
Baby Boy D born September 5, 2012
Baby Girl S born November 11, 2012
- New baby coming 2014


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1-Mar-12 10:09 pm

I had to share this.. A few minutes ago I was playing around on FB and saw one of my friends commented in someone's elses picture (that is not on my friend's list). It was an ultrasound picture titled it's a girl! One of the comments was "Your poor husband"! I went to snoop around on said person's FB and sure enough it looks as if this is their 3rd daughter.  Wishing I could smack that person on the mouth!  Blech...

Baby BoyBaby BoyBaby Boy and and a a baby Baby Bear Boy due May 30th, 2013!

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2-Mar-12 9:40 am
I think you are so right. So much of GD is fuelled by other people and their unwanted opinions and comments. I wasn't too bothered about having DS2 but my parents in law are such assholes and made so many negative and derogatory comments and I suppose it seeped into my brain that apparently "boys are not as good as girls". My sister in law is pregnant with DS2 now and my father in law said he was so disappointed. I mean what a stupid thing to say, especially as he doesn't exactly care so much about being a grandfather anyway. I hate the comments. That is why I steer clear of my PIL now. They can go to hell for all I care.

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2-Mar-12 10:16 am

I find most people prefer a pigeon pair, or think of it as the perfect or ideal family set up!

 You have made the most important discovery which will help you a lot in the next years: you have realised that GD is mainly fueled by the outside world! Now you know that, you will get much better, but you need to give it time. You will start getting stronger, not caring as much what people say or what you think they think (we do get overly sensitive sometimes as well, dont forget that). You will have little answers ready, you will not care as much becasue you have heard it before.

In real life I personally find myself not minding whether my next child is a boy or a girl. BUt when I come on here I keep thinking I must have a girl, to have 2 of each, like that would make my family somewhat better. Sure, I would love to have another girl, but actually..... I would really love to have another boy as well.... Like Coldwater says, it will not go away completely, but you will learn how to deal with your emotions better. The first step to make things majorly better is when you actually get to meet your little fella and realise how gorgeous and perfect he is.

It could also be a good idea to stay off this website deliberately for a while (not now, when you dont need talking anymore) as this website does tend to trigger concentrating on gender topics xxxx

 

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