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Unable to find situations like mine... feeling lost and sad

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 2:48 pm

I am glad to find this forum.  I also am sad, because I have been scouring the internet for days and feel like my situation is not common.  I feel like I can't talk to anyone, cause even more than the taboos surrounding gender disapointment, would be the ones surrounding my situation.

I had my first child, a son I love dearly, over 5 years ago.  2 1/2 years ago we were blessed with our sweet lovely girl.  Both of these babies were planned, longed for and very much wanted.  When I found out I was pregnant with my son I was surprised, I had always thought I would have a girl first, but it also made perfect sense to me.  It was like deep down I had knew I was having a boy.   With my daughter we did a few little "folk methods" to have a girl, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was pretty sure she was a girl.  I was very happy when we had it confirmed at the ultrasound.  I poured all my hopes and dreams of having girls into her.  I have her the most precious dream I could think of.  I mad eher a quilt (just like I had for my son), etc. etc. etc.

After her birth my husband and I decided that most likely we were done.  Part of my heart yearned for a third (we had originally always planned to have three), but for mostly financial reasons I thought it was unlikely.  Still every time I saw a baby, I was a little sad that I wouldn never be pregnant again or have a newborn to love and that our family would not grow.

This Fall, my husband and I had an oops moment and I knew there was a possibility that I was pregnant.  Instead of any secret joy, that I thought I would have if this happened, I was devistated.  The reality of having a third made me confront how incredibly financially stressed it would make our family.  I had also just happened to start to be o.k. with the idea of two.  I have a boy and a girl and they LOVE each other.  They are a perfect pair and it was like a third would disturb that balance.  Not to mention we have no where to easily physically put a third baby in our home.  I cried and cried, I was depressed for at least a week.  I felt incredibly guilty for taking away from the two we already have.

Then I started to convince myself that it was going to be o.k., if we were going to have a third, it was probably better to do it sooner than later, etc.  Subconciously, and maybe a little conciously, I started to think of this third baby as a boy.  I had ALWAYS wanted two sons.  I wanted a brother for my son and as a child I had always wanted an older brother and a little brother.  I would be able to give my dream to my daughter, she would get the older brother to protect and look after her and the younger one to ooh and awe after without feeling any direct competition with them.  I would still have that special one on one bond with my daughter, but my son would get the brother he had been asking for since my daughter was 3 months old.  It was going to be o.k.  I could invision the quilt my mom would make for a baby boy, how it would go along with my son's stuff, how they would share a room and have a trundle bed, blah blah blah.  In all of this my daughter would be the little princess of the family. 

Then three days ago we went in for our anatomy ultrasound, I was sure it was just going to be a confirmation of what I laready knew, we were having a boy!  My family would be complete and perfect.

Then the tech said clear as day, it's a girl!  And I saw those three lines, no denying it for sure.  My heart sank, I tried to hold back tears I could feel welling in my eyes.  It hasn't gotten better.  My heart hurts, I feel crushed and I feel horrible.

This pregnancy was hard, I already was having a hard time bonding with the idea of another child, boy or girl.  The thing that was keeping me going was that it would be the 2nd boy I'd always wanted.  I feel so lost.  All the articles I read on GD talk about women who have all of one sex and yearn to have just one of the other.  Here I am with one of each and I am devistated that I will never have that second boy and that now I have to split my mother daughter bond between two little girls.  I am sad that my one on one bond with my daughter won't be the same anymore.  Most of all, what scares me, is how will this get better.  Every story I have read is that ultimately women remember how much they wanted the baby and become comfortable with it not being what they had dreamed.  I feel horrible writing this, but I didn't really want this pregnancy, so how do I bond with a baby that I have yet to bond with 4.5 months into the pregnancy, and now the one thing I was depending on to bond us isn't there?  I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I thought I was a decent mother, and now I don't even know.  What is wrong with me....




Posts: 48

Joined 2-Jun-11

9-Feb-12 3:42 pm

 Sorry for your disappointment. I was somewhat in the same situation, but instead of finding out I was pregnant after the oops I found out I was not after accepting it and being ok with it. Plus now I have a diagnosis of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrom and have both my younger sisters counting on me to find a way to concive becaus they both have it and are devistated at the thought that they may not ever have children. I have one little girl and so dearly want a son to complete the picture. And now I want it now! It really sucks waiting to hear the awnser to something only for it not to happen.

Hopefully you can take confort in the fact that somehow this was suppost to happen, that we do not always get what we ask for, and sometimes come out the better for it, although you can not see that now. 

As far as the perfect balance you were speaking of I heartfeltly belive that a girl can add just as much joy to your family as a boy can. Maybe she will not be a girly girl pesonality and can equally share in "boy things" as well as "girl things". Talk to your baby about your feelings. It sounds silly, yes, but that might be the key to your bonding. To communicate with eacholther your disapointment and have her help you over come somehow. 

Mom to Kaylee Baby Girl 6.9.2009

TTC baby BOYBaby Boy in 2012 with PCOS

Posts: 1,962

Joined 29-Jul-10

Top Poster
9-Feb-12 3:48 pm
I'm so sorry your feeling how your feeling. If its any consolation...I grew up with 2 olders brothers and always dreamed of a baby sister. Your giving your daughter an amazing gift.

Thank You God and Our Lady!

Posts: 38

Joined 1-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 3:54 pm
Sorry to hear that you feel like this. I hope when you see your little girl there and the fact that she depends on you for everything to make her into the person she will be, i hope your feelings change. Also think of your little girl, not so much as being now not the only princess, but for having someone who will most probably be her best friend now for life,, someone she can teach everything she has learnt from you to. I hope everything goes well Xxx

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 3:57 pm

 Thank you for responding to my post JoliPapoose.  I am sorry you are having difficulty conceiving.  I have quite a few friends who have suffered through PCOS, and in the long run were able to conceive.  I hope the same is true for you :)

I am trying to take to heart the whole "you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need thing,"  I am just having a REALLY hard time with it.  Part of me feels like I have just messed up things for our family.  Like my constant oohing and aahing over babies and wondering if I would ever get the chance ot be pregnant again, instead of just finding peace with the two I already was blessed with has brought us to the point.  Like I should have left well enough alone.

Ironically, I am scared of having a tom boy, my daughter is so girl and we really bond over that, even though tom boy might be more balancing, would it make it even harder for me to bond with her?  Will she some ohow know how I felt before she was born and resent me.  I feel like I am damaging her before she is even here by feeling sad about all of this.  Maybe talking to her would help, I just feel bad even admitting these feelings to her.  I don't ever want her to knwo I felt this way.  I feel so bad that I haven't been as excited for her (before I even know the gender) as I was for the other two.  Sorry to ramble, my heart is just SO heavey with all of this guilt and sadness.

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 4:02 pm

Stickybeans, thank you for your response.  I think part of my problem, is I have no experience with sisters.  My friends that have sisters have difficult relationships with them and I don't have any siblings, so it is hard for me to invision.  Mentally I can accept how wonderful the sister relationship can be, it is just hard for my heart to understand it.

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 4:04 pm

 Thank you hayleys01, it just scares me not be be excited beforehand SO much.  I happily anticpated my other babies so much, that it hurts not to feel invested yet.  I am SO scared.  I hate having so much pressure on delivery day.  

Posts: 68

Joined 22-Jun-11

9-Feb-12 4:52 pm
Hi I can feel your pain... I'm in similar situation, only difference is that I was hopping for another girl. I'm expecting my 4th. Although I was on pills, somehow It happened - unexpected pregnancy. My kids are two older boys 9, 7 and a little girl 2. When I've found out that I'm pregnant again, somehow I thought it's a girl. Although we didn't have a plan to have more kids, my desired family was two boys first and two girls later, so it was almost perfect... I know I shouldn't be saying this... I feel selfish to say that I know... I'm happy with my three kids only, but fine to have another girl too. I feel like I'm done with all boys things with my sons, enjoyed it and moved on, so I personally do not want to repeat the boy's phase again. And also, what about all the cute dresses which haven't worn much... It's nice to have a sister for my daughter, like I have a sister. It sounds so strong, but this is how I feel... And here comes... Yes, my 4th is a boy. At the recent scan it's confirmed. I don't want to admit, but I am disappointed. I feel extremely sorry for this baby, but cannot overcome the sadness I'm feeling. Now I have only three months till my due. Day by day I'm getting there - coming term with the fact that I'm having a boy. It must be meant to be. We are still so blessed have children. I have suffered miscarriages quite a few times before. One stage I feared that I might never be able to have any kids... and here I am. This thing I think as a problem is actually not a problem at all - I'm so blessed! We are just so scared of this unknown future we are facing, the new chapter of our family. Our future can be even brighter 😊 Very best of luck to you too.
?? ?? ?? ?? ??02 ??04 ??09 ??11 ??newborn

Posts: 2,831

Joined 7-Jun-07

Top Poster
9-Feb-12 5:31 pm
HI, and welcome. If it makes you feel any better, you have my DREAM family.  And, ironically, I have yours. Sending hugs - the heart wants what it wants and I wish that you had your dream and I had mine. That being said, my youngest is now 6 and he is my world. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I totally get where you are now - having to adjust to a different life plan is tough. I'm sorry.  But I know that many people will be looking at you with envy, and for what it's worth virtually every pigeon pair mom on here wants another GIRL not another BOY. So people on this board will be jealous (but in a good, supportive way) too.  GD sucks, plain and simple.

Counting my blessings:-)

Posts: 1,286

Joined 15-Dec-09

Top Poster
9-Feb-12 6:04 pm
((HUGS)) don't beat yourself up "the heart wants what the heart wants" you are a decent mother, unfortunately GD is a monsterDevil.  I always wanted a sister growing up and I know alot of sisters that have close relationships.Hearts

Baby Boy(2/2005)Baby Boy(5/2008)Baby Boy(5/2011) (Dr pressured me into tubal during csectSad Flower)

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 6:05 pm

 Thank you so much for sharing orangesatsuma.  I am glad to hear it is getting easier for you day by day.  I, like you, feel so sorry for this baby,  I want to be filled with joy and these feelings are so hard to work through.  I think you nailed it on the head with being scared of the unknown future.  With my other two it was so "my plan" that it was more exciting than scary.  Now I don't really know what to make of everything.  I have envisioned a family of 2 boys and 1 girl for so long, it's hard for me to conceptualize this new reality.

Thank you again. 

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 6:08 pm

 CJ's Kids thank you for sharing.  I am glad to hear that you feel good with things now.  GD really really does suck!  

Posts: 12

Joined 9-Feb-12

9-Feb-12 6:13 pm

 Thank you prayingforaprincess2010, GD is so incredibly hard, I never even thought about it or really knew anything about it till 3 days ago.  Now I feel like I have been hit by a truck!  It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about as I fall asleep.  I can barely believe how I feel.  I really really hope my daughters are close and love each other deeply, I don't know how I will handle it if they don't.  I just wish I had some faint idea of how to raise sisters.  Guess I have some research to do.

Posts: 513

Joined 29-Oct-08

Top Poster
9-Feb-12 7:37 pm
Sorry you're having a rough time.  I have to say though that I have 2 sisters and they are the best friends I have in the world, and I can't imagine my life without them.  That's actually one of the only reasons I am hesitant about the idea of this baby being a girl is that she won't have a sister since this will definitely be our last.  I hope things get easier.  Things got better with my GD during my last pg as time went on, and once he was here I was in mad love with him and now can't imagine our family without him. 

Baby Boy01 Baby Boy03 Baby Boy05 Baby Boy09 Final Boy 2012

Posts: 365

Joined 31-May-11

Top Poster
10-Feb-12 12:25 am
Sorry you are feeling GD. Not sure if this helps but I grew up with 2 brothers and I'm the "princess" of the family and I am quite girly and have a very close relationship with my mom and am Daddy's girl to this day. But growing up, I always wanted a sister. I see how my friends have sisters and I would be envious at times. And now seeing my daughters, my childhood was not like how they are, I have great relationships with my brothers but it is special to have that same gender bonding. And as a mom to two (three in April) daughters, I can tell you I have a very close bonding with both of them. Just today, we were painting our nails and doing valentines together. Both of my girls have their own personality and so each bonding moment I have with them does not take away from each other.

Have two Baby Girl!  Expecting baby girl #3 in April! 3 of a kind! :) She's here and I am over my GD!  Our family is complete. Hearts

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