9-Jan-12 12:44 pm
I am OK with having four boys, all just over 2 years apart. But then.something gets to me.
To preface, I think I might have a bit of GD that was delayed. We lost a baby girl in 2006 and had a baby boy later that same year; I was just happy to be pregnant again and was happy to have a healthy baby after a complicated pregnancy. Then when we had the third, I was Ok, just a little disappointed it was boy #3, but not bad. Then..we went to have the fourth's ultrasound. They said he was a he...but then we learned he had a birth defect. That overrode everything, and we went into survival mode. He is almost a year old, and just now, things are kind of getting back to normal, after all the surgeries, I'm still pumping (he was unable to nurse), and I'm able to process things.
Anyhow, yesterday, at church, there was a little ceremony for a mother and daughter who completed a program for the teenage girls. Seeing the mom, a good friend of mine, with her pride and love for her daughter made me realize...I'll never have that. There isn't a comparable program for mothers and sons. So it hit me. I love my boys, but sometimes, it would be nice to not be quite so outnumbered.
I hate how people say, oh, just be grateful for a healthy baby. I am saying it is Ok to be wistful for what you don't have. I have lost a baby; our second baby died in utero from underermined causes. I had a baby who was not born healthy. I am profoundly grateful for what I have. But it doesn't negate the feelings of, oh how I wish.