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The Compromise

Posts: 87

Joined 21-Feb-11

20-Nov-11 10:58 pm

The last few weeks have been very difficult for both me and my wife as we are both struggling my GD and what we should do in the future. I know that future "plans" are never really set-in-stone and that life can change without a moment's notice, but being the anal, first-born child, I like to think that I can plan or prepare for the future. Thus, my wife and I had to come to some sort of compromise because we could potentially tear this marriage apart.

After we found out at 20 weeks (January 2011) that our first was a girl, I went into extreme GD mode. We talked out some plans to possibly save towards adopting an infant boy in a few years to try to alleviate my GD and fears of being the lone male in the house and we set up a savings account. This messed with my wife because she desperately wants to be pregnant again and is mad that her one experience of being pregnant was ruined by me being a selfish idiot.

The Compromise?

We talked today on our way home from church about the idea of continuing to save for adoption (we have roughly $5,000 saved, so far), while trying to concieve again in 2-3 years. If we have our own son, then we'll have a sweet extra savings account to play with. If we have another girl, we will have quite a bit saved to actually adopt 2-3-5 years after baby girl #2.

We both agreed here-and-now that there is no way we would want to find out the gender of baby #2 until he/she arrives.

I have come to realize the two big problems with my "we must adopt" plan from January. (1) There is absolutely no way we could save enough to adopt in the 2-3 year timeframe that would keep Natalie close in age to a new adopted brother. (2) I don't want her to be an only child forever (even though back in the day I thought 1 would be the way to go).

So I know this isn't my "rising above" post, because it isn't. But we both feel much better and I know that if we can save over the next 7 years we can afford to get him, but maybe, just maybe, we could have him ourselves.

Natalie Gayle is here (7-6-11) She is amazing, but I wish I could have broken the girl "streak" for our families (last male was born 23 years ago).

Possibly TTC boy again in 2013, but saving for adoption. The baby Jensen T. account!

EXPECTING PARENTS! Check out www.4eric.org Get educated!
 

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21-Nov-11 2:09 am
That sounds like a wonderful plan. Good luck.

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21-Nov-11 3:33 am
I've been following your posts! This postmakes me happy! The plan is perfect.

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21-Nov-11 4:22 am

Happy Smile


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21-Nov-11 4:32 am

Wishing you lots of luck, whichever way the future goes! :)

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21-Nov-11 6:46 am
I am glad you see the affect you may or may not be having on your wife and you come to a good plan which my hubby wouldnt do...that takes a very good man to be able to do...I am almost sure your next will be a boy as it seems those who have girls first have a boy next..good luck!
 photo boybaby_zps21881503.gif(8)  photo boybaby_zps21881503.gif(6.5)  photo boybaby_zps21881503.gif(5.5)  photo babygirl_zps54e18b68.gif (4)

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21-Nov-11 7:58 am

SadDad,

 I think is an AWESOME plan and way to take your wife's wishes in account by giving her a shot to carry a son. I love the plan, and I really do hope baby #2 is the boy you desire. If it's not, and it's a second DD, what a gift to give to your current daughter, and then I believe that boy you'd adopt 2-3 years down the road from DD2 (if that's what you end up having) will be meant to be with YOUR family.

I think the plan is a huge win-win. Good luck, keep saving money, and enjoy your baby daughter Natalie!!

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21-Nov-11 8:11 am

The Compromise?

We talked today on our way home from church about the idea of continuing to save for adoption (we have roughly $5,000 saved, so far), while trying to concieve again in 2-3 years. If we have our own son, then we'll have a sweet extra savings account to play with. If we have another girl, we will have quite a bit saved to actually adopt 2-3-5 years after baby girl #2.

I think this is a very good plan.  You already have $5,000 saved, which is really awesome!  I know you've been on this site long enough to know about swaying, but you should consider swaying for a boy when you conceive next, even if it increases your odds by 1%, that is something.

Here are direct links to those forums/information for boy swaying:

General Swaying Forum: http://www.in-gender.com/cs/forums/15.aspx

Trying to Conceive a Boy FAQ and Supplements: http://www.in-gender.com/cs/forums/t/3585.aspx

Trying to Conceive a Boy and Girl Ebook (written by our own Tamara) - http://www.in-gender.com/cs/forums/t/151760.aspx

 

Baby Bear Girl Amelia 7/1/2010      Baby Bear Boy  Maddox  5/7/2012   [
 
                                                                 

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21-Nov-11 9:02 am
I will pray every day that you get your boy and that your marriage stays strong. Your wife is an amazing woman to help you through this.

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21-Nov-11 11:56 am
I'm new to your story. But I was wondering why you choose to save for adoption instead of pgd?

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Joined 21-Feb-11

21-Nov-11 12:38 pm

cowbell:
I'm new to your story. But I was wondering why you choose to save for adoption instead of pgd?

 

3 Reasons:

1. Moral. My wife would go crazy thinking about what to do with "unwanted" fertilized eggs.

2. $$$ I think my years and years of savings should go to a child that actually exists rather than a procedure that may not work.

3. Poor success rate and stress/travel.

These are our personal reasons, so please don't think I'm downing the families that do choose the PGD route. I know adoption is not perfect either, but it seems more concrete and it is not important to me to have only "MY OWN" children. We will make him our own.

Natalie Gayle is here (7-6-11) She is amazing, but I wish I could have broken the girl "streak" for our families (last male was born 23 years ago).

Possibly TTC boy again in 2013, but saving for adoption. The baby Jensen T. account!

EXPECTING PARENTS! Check out www.4eric.org Get educated!

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Joined 20-Aug-11

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21-Nov-11 1:03 pm
SadDad"]

[quote user="cowbell:

I'm new to your story. But I was wondering why you choose to save for adoption instead of pgd?[/quote]

3 Reasons:

1. Moral. My wife would go crazy thinking about what to do with "unwanted" fertilized eggs.

2. $$$ I think my years and years of savings should go to a child that actually exists rather than a procedure that may not work.

3. Poor success rate and stress/travel.

These are our personal reasons, so please don't think I'm downing the families that do choose the PGD route. I know adoption is not perfect either, but it seems more concrete and it is not important to me to have only "MY OWN" children. We will make him our own.

You sound like a great husband with a good head on his shoulders.  Good luck on your journey and I'm looking forward to tagging along for the ride and seeing what's in store for your family.

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21-Nov-11 7:53 pm

I remember reading your past posts, and I think this compromise sounds perfect. It sounds like you and your wife are in a good place and like you have a good plan to meet both of your needs. I hope your son finds his was to you in the way that is meant to be, whether through your next pregnancy or through adoption. If your daughter ends up with a sister in between, that's good too. I was in a similar place (except yearning for a daughter), but I realize now how wonderful it is to have two of the same gender first.

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22-Nov-11 9:50 am
So happy to read about the compromise. Your wife sounds a like my DH and being very understanding. Mine said we could adopt if our #4 is another girl. So then I could have my son. Like you it will be a long road to the journey of a DG but it will be worth the wait. Good luck Sad Dad.

My princessesBaby GirlBaby GirlBaby GirlBaby Girl My family is 4DDs no more LO's and moving forward knowing there will never be a little boy in my life.

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22-Nov-11 8:50 pm

Thank you for all of the heartfelt comments; I greatly appreciate all of them. The funny part is we are in no position to even think about baby #2 or #3 or whatever until one or both of us switch careers or find jobs in our fields that pay better. I just need to have some sort of plan, I guess. We're relatively young so anything can happen (I'll be 26 this year). I know we will both be so very nervous and anxious about the gender of baby #2 but I believe it would be better if we didn't find out until birth. It is a long road ahead. Especially since now she is fretting about the possiblity of having twins and destroying our "compromise." (she is an identical twin and my grandfather is also an identical twin, if any of that matters)

Natalie is wonderful, I freely admit this, but I really do not believe that my GD will completely go away until I hold Jensen for the first time.

Thank you to all of you ladies. May you find happiness. I hope to share news with you in the coming years.

Natalie Gayle is here (7-6-11) She is amazing, but I wish I could have broken the girl "streak" for our families (last male was born 23 years ago).

Possibly TTC boy again in 2013, but saving for adoption. The baby Jensen T. account!

EXPECTING PARENTS! Check out www.4eric.org Get educated!
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