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Pressure to Not have more kids

Posts: 141

Joined 3-Oct-05

8-May-06 2:39 pm
Does anyone ever feel like people look down on you the more kids that you have? I just had my third, my first daughter, 2 1/2 months ago. I have heard it from relatives - "is this your last one, because if you have too many it's hard to pay attention to any one of them." When I got pregnant this last time and went to the Dr. for the first time I felt like she was disappointed in me for being pregnant again - and like it was too soon. My youngest are 22 months apart. I figured since they were almost two years apart - what was the big deal? My husband and I have talked about him getting a vasectomy, and it almost breaks my heart to think of never having another. I don't know why - three kids is enough to keep me on my toes all day long. I guess I just feel like if I am done having kids, then the only thing left to do is get old. Any thoughts?
 

Posts: 2,230

Joined 24-Aug-05

Top Poster
8-May-06 3:45 pm
I think Roxanne knows all about this, but I know kind of what you mean. Leo is our first and we are ready to start trying again and my parents keep dropping hints about me getting pregnant again. They also use that not enough attention line. I have to avoid an argument all the time!! It's pretty annoying. First, it's our business. If we feel like we can handle another child it's our business. If we can financially be responsible for them- it's our business!! Second, every child is a blessing. Bottom line! I want to have at least 2 more as well. Hopefully anyway! I understand completely when you say that "all that's left is getting old"- as long as we have little babies we have youth around us and that also keeps us young. Are you planning on having more? Good luck if you are!!

 

Posts: 1,520

Joined 18-Aug-05

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8-May-06 3:51 pm
You're not alone. I get comments like that all of the time. My best friend from high school, whom I've known for 24 years, is always asking me if I'm "done." She only had two kids, and she doesn't understand why I keep having more. People I work with in the Reserves think I keep getting pregnant to keep from deploying, which is not true. I get pregnant because my husband can't! My brothers are worried about me, because I've had some pretty close calls during my births. They want me to stop for my own health. My older sons even ask me if I know how birth control works, which I can assure you is very embarrassing!

Personally, I feel like I am done now. However, my husband is still dragging his heels on the vasectomy, and I can't take any sort of hormonal birth control (I just don't react well to it in my "old" age). I would not be surprised if I get pregnant again in the next few months. I will have to become a hermit if that happens, because I don't want to deal with all of the negativity that I get from people when they learn how many children I have.

I know what you mean about letting go of your childbearing years. I am now old enough to be a grandma, since my oldest is 19 and (I'm assuming) perfectly capable of fathering a child. My second oldest is 17, so I guess he's old enough, too. I have plenty to do in my "old" age, but I still feel sad that I'm probably done having babies of my own.

My advice is just to ignore everyone but your husband. If the two of you want more children, go for it! As long as you aren't having to borrow money from everyone to raise your children, it really isn't their business. Since your youngest isn't even 3 months old yet, you and your husband might want to wait before making any final decisions, especially if either of you are not sure about how you feel regarding more children. (My husband has been saying for years that he's done, but he still hasn't done anything about it. I suspect that he loves being a daddy more than he lets on, or else he's just afraid of the vasectomy.)

Good luck!

~Roxanne
Mom to six boys and two girls.
Mom of nine, ages 22 to 2, six boys, three girls.

Posts: 388

Joined 14-Oct-05

Top Poster
8-May-06 4:06 pm

 While I certainly do not look down upon anyone who decides to have multiple kids and actually takes care of them :), I am thinking we might not have anymore. My husband and I both come from families with 4 or more kids and we both feel like we kind of got robbed...meaning we feel like our parents "overextended" themselves with all of us. My mom and step-dad both worked full time jobs and we had 5 kids all together....it was a circus....all of the kids pretty much hated each other until we moved out. My step-dad was verbally abusive to all of us and physically abusive to my younger sister and brother at times and it sucked. He was overworked,underpaid and resented us for it.  I know this was his personal problem and not every multiple child family is like this. I know our family was probably the exception,but I dont ever want my kids to feel like I did, or how my husband did. All of his siblings suffer from manic depression or substance abuse and my brother and 3 sisters are all doing pretty well now, but we just dont "talk" about our childhood much with my parents....its like we just act like none of it happened. I personally feel like if you want to have 10 kids, do it.... I never understood why people wanted so many kids until my daughter was born. She is the love of my life....I can't beleive I waited so long to have her....but at the same time, I worry that if we were to have more kids, I might not be able to give them all of the attention and quality of life that I would like to give them. I guess I might change my mind in a few years...everyone says I will... oh yeah, my husband has a 9 year old from a previous marriage we are pretty close with as well, so it's kind of like we have 2 already...so that kind of sways my decision too...

I think you should do whatever you feel good about. I think women with multiple kids who are healthy and happy and that can keep their marriage together and going strong are so awesome.....I truly envy that energy and drive. Forget what other people say or think.. life is too short.  !!!

 

Court & Zach :)

Posts: 6,084

Joined 9-Nov-05

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9-May-06 3:54 am

i know exactly what you are talking about.  the thing that bothered me the most was after my son was born people would say, "oh you got your boy and girl, now you can stop".  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  what is so special about a boy and a girl?  oh it used to get my goat.  i understood what they were saying but it still bothered me. 

i feel zach is so far behind my first three that he needs a little playmate, a little partner in crime!  i have so much help from my older three that this baby is a breeze!  i don't even have to ask them to help, they offer.  i feel like we are so much more a family with a baby in the house, it's strange.  he gets not only my husbands and my love, he gets so much from his siblings as well. 

we have been talking about having one more.  he says its entirely up to me.  then after that he will get the big "v".  i know i will be sad, but it will be time to finish raising the ones we have.

i say go for it and don't let ANYONE tell you any different!  like i was telling my friend the other day, my kids are people, not numbers.  i am so lucky that God picked ME to be their mom.  i can't imagine a day without any of them...and i still feel like there is one more missing! 

Anissa :)

Baby GirlAshley 17

Baby BoyAndy 14

Baby BoyJordan 13

Baby BoyZachary 4

Baby GirlCourtney 3

 

Posts: 1,222

Joined 14-Nov-05

Top Poster
9-May-06 7:31 am
I have to share a very recent story with you gals.  I just had my baby girl 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Last Friday my husband went in for a vasectomy.  I was told at my last c-section that I shouldn't have more children because my uterus is too thin.  (I just found out my mother was told that, too, and went on to have my brother.)  I realized as we sat in the dr's office that I really hadn't given the whole thing much thought and I suddenly panicked.  Right before he went back, I busted into tears in the lobby and told him I didn't know if I wanted him to go through with it.  One minute later, they called him back, he went, and 12 minutes later it was done.  In the 1/2 hour total that he was back there, I walked out of the lobby sobbing, called my mom who told me to chase him down and stop him from doing it, then I called his mom who told me to let him do it, and sadly enough, I listened to his mom.  I have never felt such a sense of remorse as I have this past weekend.  Everytime I think about it I almost cry.  I realize that I made the decision about the vasectomy way too soon.  I should've given it at least a year after having this baby.  And now, it's done.  I realize that although I don't want more children now, in 5 years I might've changed my mind.  On a different note, my hubby's having a hell of a time with it.  He's had to miss work yesterday and today because of the pain and will probably have to go back to the doc today cuz he thinks something's wrong.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that if there's any doubt in your mind about the vasectomy, DON'T DO IT!  It's too permanent of a thing.  Babies are a blessing and just because you feel like you're done now, doesn't mean you will in a year or two.  Three babies used to seem like so many to me.  Now that I have 3, it doesn't seem like many at all. 

Posts: 1,520

Joined 18-Aug-05

Top Poster
9-May-06 10:49 am
Oh Jill, how awful! I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.

I was told the same thing about my uterus after William was born. I went on to have Matthew via c-section and Leia as a VBAC. My OB with Leia said it wouldn't be a good idea to have another baby, but he also said that if I get pregnant again and want the baby, he will do everything that he can to support me.

I'm sure you know that it takes a few months after a vasectomy for your husband to be completely sterile. You might consider using a sperm bank in the meantime, so that if you two decide to have another baby down the road, you'll be able to do so. Either that, or do your best to conceive as soon as possible! (I'd look into a sperm bank no matter what, since you could get pregnant and miscarry, which would be worse than not getting pregnant at all.)

No matter what, I hope you'll feel better soon.

Love,
Roxanne
Mom of nine, ages 22 to 2, six boys, three girls.

Posts: 13,031

Joined 21-Jul-05

Forum Leader
9-May-06 11:05 am
This is a question that can only be answered by your own heart, no one can answer it for you.  Even though they all seem to feel compelled to voice an opinion!  My personal feeling is that you just can't judge someone based on some arbitrary criteria like that, what counts is what kind of parent you are for your child, period.  There are plenty of parents out there with only one or two children doing a crappy job of raising them, who probably should have "stopped" having kids before they even had the one or two. 

Or, for example, the British press is currently having a field day over a 63-year-old woman who is pregnant by IVF.  I think, sheesh, that's pretty old!  But who am I to judge her; who's to say she isn't a better mom at 63 than I was at 33.  It's a very wealthy couple, with nothing to do but lavish attention on this very much desired baby. 

Mom to And Microsort/IUI twins!



Posts: 13,031

Joined 21-Jul-05

Forum Leader
9-May-06 11:10 am
Jill, I wanted to add, so sorry about your misgivings about the big V.  However, it is not that final, if you really want another baby you can have a reversal, or there are procedures to extract sperm.  The sperm are still being manufactured, it's just a question of getting them out again!  So that door is not closed and locked forever for you!
Mom to And Microsort/IUI twins!



Posts: 141

Joined 3-Oct-05

9-May-06 11:17 am

Thanks you so much ladies for sharing your opinions and heartfelt stories with me. I know a lot of women who have no problem saying they are done, and it is nice to hear that there are other women out there who find it to be a little harder to let go. I can't say for sure that I am done, but I can say that if I do have anymore I only want one more, and I would want to wait a few years. The only problem is that my husband is 40 and I am 26. He thinks he'll be too old for the next one. But, what I love about him is that he says it is up to me - if I want one more he has no problem with it.

And then on the other hand, I think it would be nice to be done with the diaper, breastfeeding, and immunization part of parenting. But will I miss it when it is gone? I guess I should just wait a few years and see how I feel then, and wait on the vasectomy. Thanks again ladies.

Posts: 889

Joined 16-Sep-05

Top Poster
10-May-06 2:55 pm

I agree with everyone who said basically do what your heart tells you and such. 

I've been lucky so far in the baby making dept as our family is always happy to hear of more.  My MIL, grandmother and father are the ones most excited about the third baby we're TTC.  I'm surprised too since my DH and I are so young (DH is 27 and I'm 25).   My OB/GYN is sort of a baby making machine himself.  I almost hate to say it but it's just so funny.  I was almost tempted to ask him if he knows how the whole thing works, lol.   Him and his wife recently added a fifth child to their troop.  He even told me himself he was embarrassed to say anything to anyone about it.  The there's another OB/GYN at the same office who has a totally different view upon the subject.  He likes to give hysterectomies(sp?).  My MIL had him for maybe one prenatal appointment and that was it.  She couldn't stand his views because they were so extreme.  He even asked her if she wanted a hysterectomy after her last child (she's had 7 children but 2 died) even though she didin't need one!  I think that's what did it.  I wonder if my doctor who promotes having kids and this other guy who wants to spay every woman get along at the lunch table.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that conversation comes up, lol.

Anyway, don't let anyone get you down about having more children.  You do what ever you feel is right and most comfortable with. 


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