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I wonder how you know when you are done

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10-Oct-10 4:37 pm

We have five and I love them all but I feel saddish at the thought of never having another one.  Everyone I talk to who is "done" always seems so sure about it and yet I don't feel that way.  Does anyone else relate?

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher 

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10-Oct-10 6:10 pm
I know exactly how you are feeling. I have two daughters and just had my prince and so should feel complete but can't help but wonder if I want another. My DH and I always discussed 3 kids but now I am there I don't know whether I am done. He however is but I do know that I may be able to get my way eventually. I too have friends who have even 2 and say that is definately it, I wonder whether we will ever be done or if one more may be it? I idolise my babies but am so sure I could still give more but don't want to be selfish to the others either. I am no help to you but just want you to know that I too feel like this.xx

 Baby Girl '98'  Baby Girl '06'  Baby Boy '10' and hoping to finish off with another Baby Boy some time in the future!

Sarah

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11-Oct-10 4:24 am
I felt the same way... Until I had baby #7 and honestly, I have no desire to do it again ever! Until then though I'd hear people talking about being done and just had no concept of what that felt like or how you got there, but I think you reach a stage where you just don't really want any more... And until you're there you can't understand it or imagine what it feels like!

It's a bit like when you haven't had or got kids and have no desire to have them... You just can't imagine why anyone would feel broody or what it feels like until it hits you!

And another little coming in October/November!

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11-Oct-10 5:44 am

Thanks guys..I notice the more kids I have, as they get older the more the wanting a new baby goes away. I think maybe I'm just in the happy bliss of having a newborn. I adore newborns and then as they get older I am more content with just having the family I have lol. 

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher 

Mom to the best four "sonshines" Happy SunshineHappy SunshineHappy SunshineHappy Sunshine and a surprise Baby Girl

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11-Oct-10 9:08 am

I can totally relate. All my "done" friends talk about being 100% sure they don't want another one, and I don't feel that. I feel like I am done for all the negative reasons--I'm overwhelmed already, I'm too old, I have two kids with a problem that is likely genetic, etc. I wish I could feel done because I'm just ready to be done, but I don't. I love the age difference between my boys, and I worry that my daughter will end up feeling like an only child when she's older. I wish I could give her a sibling when she's three so that she could have the kind of sibling relationship my boys have. But I feel like I can't for all the above reasons. I love my family and I don't feel like someone is missing the way I did before A was born, but I still wish I could make the decision just based on positive feelings rather than on all the reasons I "shouldn't" have another baby.

Mom2RJA Baby Boy R, 2000 Baby Boy J, 2003 Baby Girl A, 2009 MS/IUI 10/2/07 at GIVF, natural cycle, 1 follicle, 94.7% sort purity, BFN MS/IUI 8/25/08 at HRC, Clomid + Ovidrel, 3 follicles, 92.99% sort purity, BFP!!! Beta #1 on 9/9 (15 dpo): 153, Beta #2 on 9/11 (17 dpo): 395 

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RJA Feet

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11-Oct-10 9:54 am

Mom2RJA:
All my "done" friends talk about being 100% sure they don't want another one, and I don't feel that. I feel like I am done for all the negative reasons--I'm overwhelmed already, I'm too old
This! More negative reasons: we don't have enough money, don't have any help whatsoever, we have 1 car, small appartment we still pay credit for...

But I just don't feel like I'm done yet...Yesterday i talk with my DH and he feels we're done. He said he loves his life the way it is with me and our 2 princesses Hearts and he honestly thinks 1 more baby will ruin the balance. I think money is the major issue, although he didn't put it this way. Unfortunately, he is right.

But there is this idea about 1 more stucked in my head and I feel somebody is missing. I am already thinking if # 3 is a boy, maybe to try to give him a brother Stick out tongue but that is top secret! And SF too!Happy ROFL

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11-Oct-10 9:08 pm

Mom2RJA:
but I still wish I could make the decision just based on positive feelings rather than on all the reasons I "shouldn't" have another baby.

Oh Mom2RJA, you know I think you should have one more--your heart yearns for one, and I agree with you totally when you say you should have one for the positive reasons! And the shouldn't shouldn't rule your life.

As for us---we are done at 5. We had planned for 4, and were blessed with a bonus. I was not ready for a permanent solution if it was just our 4th baby, but knowing this is 5, I am ready to take that step.

BUT---let me just say that I just gave away all my boy clothes today, and felt scared--what if I decided to have another, what if it was another sweet boy? Just thinking that this is the end, it hurts my heart thinking about it.

Anyway, I think I know exactly how you feel. Knowing when to be done--tough call. Really tough call.

A lot of great kids, and a full time job mean very little time to play! Miss you all!!
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12-Oct-10 1:34 am

I try to talk myself into being done----and DH tells me all the time we're done, but at this point, I'm just not feeling it.  I am pretty sure I can be content with 4, but who the hell knows how I'll fell in a few years.  I already think sometimes I want another because DD is a big girl now and not my itty bitty baby.  this is why I "won't let" DH get the big V.  it's just too final!!

everyone I know that is done......they're done because they got a tubal or hubby got a V.  most of the women who can't have more kids------wish they could!

      

     Sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one.

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12-Oct-10 6:27 am

My dh is open to another. It's so funny because he was the one who started out only wanting two and after our son Nicco was born and then Laney is all about having more.  My mom tells me all the time I should just get my tubes tied because birth control does not seem to work well with meDoh! and I am going to get the Mirena but I just have no desire to get my tubes tied or have my dh get the big "V".  I just have talked to people like my cousin and a good friend of mine who just had her second ds and they were just so sure.  I have all these reasons too, why I should just move on and be happy with what I have but sometimes those reasons don't seem so important.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher 

Mom to the best four "sonshines" Happy SunshineHappy SunshineHappy SunshineHappy Sunshine and a surprise Baby Girl

Posts: 4,319

Joined 12-Oct-05

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12-Oct-10 6:29 am

Mom2RJA:

I can totally relate. All my "done" friends talk about being 100% sure they don't want another one, and I don't feel that. I feel like I am done for all the negative reasons--I'm overwhelmed already, I'm too old, I have two kids with a problem that is likely genetic, etc. I wish I could feel done because I'm just ready to be done, but I don't. I love the age difference between my boys, and I worry that my daughter will end up feeling like an only child when she's older. I wish I could give her a sibling when she's three so that she could have the kind of sibling relationship my boys have. But I feel like I can't for all the above reasons. I love my family and I don't feel like someone is missing the way I did before A was born, but I still wish I could make the decision just based on positive feelings rather than on all the reasons I "shouldn't" have another baby.

You know, after my fourth ds was born I always had that feeling that someone was "missing" and now that Laney is here I don't feel that either.   Maybe it's a sign?

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.  ~Stacia Tauscher 

Mom to the best four "sonshines" Happy SunshineHappy SunshineHappy SunshineHappy Sunshine and a surprise Baby Girl

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12-Oct-10 8:03 am

A friend (with 2x ds) once said to me she thought if you feel you would one day regret not having another then you should go for it... I think that sounds right

I always wanted 4 and joke that the only way my dh would agree was to have 3 ds first! I think when I am pregnant that I'll try to brain wash myself into thinking its the last time for everything... It will definetly be the last no matter what I feel so I'll do anything to convince my self of this.


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13-Oct-10 12:24 am

Mom2RJA:

I feel like I am done for all the negative reasons... I'm too old

What's too old? Surprise

 

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13-Oct-10 11:14 pm

I don't mean to make any judgment about what is "too old" for anyone else, but my age is a factor in this decision for me. I am 40 and I probably wouldn't be ready to even consider another baby for another year or two. I always said I wanted to be done having kids by 35. Once I got there that seemed totally arbitrary and having a baby at 38 didn't feel too old at all, so maybe I won't feel too old at 42 either, but at this point that is a concern to me.

Mom2RJA Baby Boy R, 2000 Baby Boy J, 2003 Baby Girl A, 2009 MS/IUI 10/2/07 at GIVF, natural cycle, 1 follicle, 94.7% sort purity, BFN MS/IUI 8/25/08 at HRC, Clomid + Ovidrel, 3 follicles, 92.99% sort purity, BFP!!! Beta #1 on 9/9 (15 dpo): 153, Beta #2 on 9/11 (17 dpo): 395 

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RJA Feet

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10-Nov-10 10:24 pm

I'm afraid I'll never feel done.  I fully believe it wouldn't matter either if I had both boys/girls.  I've just always had such a strong desire to have kids and feel no matter what number we have I'll still always want "just one more".  It'll be a sad day for me when I *know* I'm done with the pregnancy/having babies stage.  I'm amazed by woman who know they're done after 2/3 kids and have no regrets.  I can't fathom it.  I'm 31 so I still have a decent amount of child bearing years ahead of me so that helps. 

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14-Nov-10 7:06 pm
I completely relate. In fact, I just posted separately about this same feeling. I have 6 and still don't feel ready for any permanence on the "done" decision. I long for one more. As insane as it sounds (and believe me, DH would call me nuts), I feel like someone is missing. My littlest toot is only 6 months and I think about #7 frequently...and secretly. I feel very sad at thinking this is it for us. And then I feel guilty for being 'greedy' and then I feel sad again. It's a frustrating cycle of emotions! I have the Mirena and I'm hoping that in two years I can convince DH to have one more bub. Would be a big stretch though...since he was done at 4!! What's wrong with me??
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