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We didn't realize how hard it would be to use the baby stuff after loss...

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Joined 20-Nov-09

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31-Jan-10 8:06 pm


I'm pregnant with twins and we lost our 5 mos old son to SIDS last April.  We've been in and out of counseling and so are the oldest 3 children.  We will be going back to regular counseling in a week or so.  It's tough for me to even look at baby boys between birth-6 mos or so but the counselor has been very helpful in helping us realize that the new babies will be different. 

Anyway, I'm approaching viability with twins and DH and I are now realizing that we cannot use the same toys/swings,etc that our son used.  Sad  After he passed, our friends came in and helped clean up but putting away all his clothes, excersaucer, swings, etc.  They all smell like him and we cannot bring ourselves to just clean them off and go on using them.

I wish someone would just "get" it and throw us a small shower or something for the twins, A. because they're twings and B. because it should be understood that we can NOT use anything we own.

I am finding every way to buy what we need for the twins (new clothes, swings, bouncers, bibs, etc.).  However, I lost my job in mid-Nov (already pregnant with twins) and DH lost his job last month!!  We have about $200 in gift cards from Christmas but that won't get us what we need. 

Are we crazy NOT to use our son's things?  Any ideas on what else we can do?  I don't even have friend to borrow from, as most have already sold off all baby things or are pregnant again.  Also, being twins, we need more than we thought.  If there's a god, he sure is laughing at us now.  Sad


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31-Jan-10 8:22 pm

Just wanted to say I can't imagine what you must be going trough, but I understand what you are saying.  I was reading a blog of a family who is expecting again after losing a baby right after birth.  She talked about having to pack up the closet if the baby was the opposite sex.  My immediate thought was that I dont know how I'd be able to use the same clothes for a new baby.  I guess everyone copes differently.  Gentle hugs and prayers sent your way.

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31-Jan-10 8:26 pm

 I am so sorry.

TrinaC"]Are we crazy NOT to use our son's things? [/quote]

Absolutely not. I can understand how it would be hard to even look at those things, not to mention use them for another baby/babies. They belonged to your little boy.

[quote user="TrinaC:

Any ideas on what else we can do?

Have you tried craigslist? I have seen some really nice things for sale for not much $. What about consignment shops?

I really hope you are able to come up with a way to get the things you need.



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31-Jan-10 8:31 pm

I gave away all of my baby stuff after my 4th m/c.  I couldn't bear looking at it anymore, so I packed it all up and gave it to a pregnant teen mum.  I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling and I can't come up with a good suggestion, but I do understand wanting new stuff.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

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31-Jan-10 8:33 pm

I can't imagine how you must feel. I wouldn't expect you to use the same stuff over again. I hope something works out so you don't have to. I'm so sorry for your loss!

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31-Jan-10 10:30 pm

 I am so sorry for you loss. I can see how it would be really difficult to use the stuff you had for your DS. Is there any way you can ask a friend or family member to sell it off for you and just give you the money and then you can put it towards buying what you need this time? The suggestion to check CraigsList is  a good one. Freecycle is also great. I give away stuff using Freecycle all the time and people offer and accept baby gear regularly. You'd be amazed what you can get for free, just be sure to check recall lists and such. The stuff might not be brand-new or perfect, but at least it will come to you without setting off particular memories. I wish you a lot of luck w/your twins and the job situation as well. 

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1-Feb-10 8:07 am

Thanks, everyone.  I guess we just did not realize how hard this would be after losing him. 

Yesterday, BIL made it worse, probably without realizing it.  DH told him, at family dinner, that he was looking for a webcam for when the babies come.  He went into a speech on this product:

I told him (we've learned a lot about true SIDS since last April) that it would not prevent SIDS.  All reserch shows that apnea and SIDS are totally different and, with SIDS, there is a cardiac affect before the baby stops breathing, by seconds.  SIDS babies can not be revived.  He got upset with me and argued??!!  Mad Furious  He hasn't done any research!!  I know that most people want to protect themselves by thinking that there was something we could've done to avoid it and, last night, later, I was a wreck!!  I was looking everything up again, reading and crying to DH...  What if?  What if we had that monitor and he never died?  Sad


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1-Feb-10 8:24 am
I was a wreck!!  I was looking everything up again, reading and crying to DH...  What if?  What if we had that monitor and he never died?
I am so sorry, huge hugs, I cannot imagine how you function after loosing your little boy, I thought having a miscarriage was bad but its nothing to holding and bonding with your new little son only to have him taken away. You are totally right to feel confused, I can understand it must be so hard to know what to do with his clothes, I would sell the clothes on ebay on a sids auction and give the money to a sids charity then you know that his clothes have helped someone else, you havent thrown then away or used them (nothing wrong with using them, but too hard for you) Take care xxxx

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1-Feb-10 8:28 am

 I'm so sorry. Sad I can and can't imagine all at once... my loss is nowhere near what yours was, and thankfully we hadn't bought anything quite yet so I had nothing to pack up...but I did feel such an empty hole inside me after losing my little Jacey... if I had things for him I don't think I could use them either. I guess it's similar to not wanting to reuse his name. Even if he wasn't legally born since he was only 17.5 weeks gestation, his name was his name and there was no way I could reconsider it for another baby. Nobody asked me to, but when I even thought about it I got this huge clump in my throat like I was trying to replace him if I used HIS name, I probably would have felt similiar if I tried to use things bought for him...things that would have been purchased to hold my Jacey. I just can't imagine how hard that would have been. You're not at all crazy to feel this way; the hardship is only worse since you actually did use those things for your precious child. Sad Flower I don't have much advice, I wish I could help. Sad The other girls gave good advice about creigslist...would you feel comfortable selling his things? Having someone else do it? Then you could just use the money to purchase the things you need. At least the bare neccessities (crib, white onsies, recieving blanket and diapers and such...) 

What your BIL did was quite out of line too. How insensitive.... why, EVER, would someone step over the boundries and argue over something like that? Even if you had been wrong and he had done lots of research...You just don't push in that subject. However, you weren't wrong- and you knew that. Try to take peace in knowing he was talking out of ignorance and you were informed. You know what will and will not work. Hang in there. Heart

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1-Feb-10 9:07 am

Oh my!  A miscarriage is tough to deal with, but losing a baby to SIDS.. well my heart just breaks for you!

I can definitely understand not wanting to use you babies things for the twins. Like others have said you can try Craigs list. You can sell the stuff you have on Craigs List or ebay, then you have some money to replace the items you can't bare to see again. Consignments shops are good too. What if you took the things you have there and asked to just trade. Maybe if you just explain your situation they would at least let you trade. Plus to then you could buy a few "new" things. Babies really don't need new stuff anyway. They only use it for such a short time and they don't know the difference between new and used. You have other children, so I am sure you know that though! :>) Our community has a clothing sale twice a year, once in the spring and once in the Fall. The clothes have to be in perfect condition to be sold. And they are usually $1 -$5 per item. They sell baby gear too. Maybe your area has something similar. . And there is always GoodWill or the Salvation Army for cheap clothes. You also mentioned having some friends that were pregnant. Would they be willing to swap baby "gear" with you? That way you don't have to look at it each day. Hopefully since you are having twins, that maybe some of your family members will step up and get you some things. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Good luck to you and your husband in finding jobs too!

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1-Feb-10 11:45 am

I am so sorry for your loss and the stupid things people say afterwards. I lost a daughter to pneumonia at 20 hrs old. She was born at home and the should've, could've, would've are still driving me insane. I have heard alot of stupid stuff too and it is killer. I thought at about using Angela's stuff for a new baby too and won't use anything she had on on the next baby. I bet it is way harder when your baby used everything. I did find some one to trade with me on craig's list when I found out Angela was a girl. I had all boy stuff from my son and post for a even trade. You could try that or maybe just explain to your closest friend how you feel and ask him or her to pass the word.

Good luck and a happy health babies!!

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2-Feb-10 3:20 pm

Hi Trina, I feel exactly the same as you, you are totally normal.  I can't face using James' stuff on the new baby.  Most of it I wouldn't be able to anyway as its blue but there is some unisex stuff that I can't face using.  It was his.  Shortly after he died I had lots of new baby grows he never got to wear and I gave them to the PICU, which made me feel like something good was happening with them.  I have the rest in a big bag, I havent yet been able to face doing anything with it.  I want to sell them then give the money to a child charity, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I have all his special outfit in his memory box

You know deep down there was absolutely nothing you could have done, people just don't make things very easy.  I still have what if's.  Was it something I did early pregnant that gave James his heart defect???  What if something happens to this baby.  I live in constant fear! 

Can you drop some close hints to your friends about a baby shower? Or buy the new stuff second hand?

Do whatever feels right for you.  I wish you all the luck in the world with your twins xxx

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