I can totally relate. I wanted a boy and a girl so bad . Just two kids. The perfect pigeon pair.
Not only did God not give that to me he let my best friend have boy/ girl twins. Not a boy , then a girl . The perfect giftwrapped family all in eight short months.
At the same time that she gives birth, I am pregnant with my third boy. Talk about hell. I still feel God hates me.
No wait. I KNOW he hates me.
I have come so far since then . I have adjusted to this life of mine and can say I am pretty happy.
But I still believe those twins were put here to make me miserable.
just a Christmas card with the twin's picture on it sends me into a bitter resentment
You are not a terrible person. It is easy to be good when you get what you want and so many people do. I do believe life or God can give you more than you can take at times. I think you need to remember that and be kind to yourself so that in time you can be plugged into your son's life.
He does need you and it is true , he didn't ask to be born. Try to think about ways that will make you feel better about things. I used to leave the boys home with my husband so I could get a break from being a boy mom and just be me. I scheduled all sorts of lunches and dinners with friends. It was so theraputic to have a break from thinking about things.
Next time you go to the store tell yourself you will buy something for you ,not the baby. That also helps. It is like mothering yourself . I think that is what you need right now. You don't need people telling you that you should be greatful or that your being selfish. I always wanted someone to say. "I am sorry that your heart is broken. You don't deserve it . It is not fair that other people get their dream family without any effort. Take time to grieve and then in time you will be the great mother that I know is in you."
So I am saying it to you.
THe human spirit has an amazing way of healing. We can be brought to our knees at times and then by some miracle we wake up one day and find we are OK.
I can say now I can see other little girls and they seem foreign to me. Not quite as special anymore. I can talk with them and enjoy their company without feeling sad. I can go shopping for Barbie things and it is fun again. I never thought it would happen.
It WILL get better , I promise .Not perfect, but better.
THose twins still piss me off! LOL
More than I care to think about due to blood clotting disorder.
TBM failure . What a miserable experience!
And two Microsort failures . But at least we went to DIsneyland. Woo Hoo
"For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world, and although ambitions well worth having, they are not cheaply won." Lucy Maud Montgomery