I went for my 30 week sono today... everything looks good. Baby is "in position" I was hoping baby was breach because for some reason I would rather have baby cut out of me then push baby out.... I have no clue why this is (pushed out other 3 boys). I think its because I am angry and don't want to go threw all that "work" for a baby I am "mad at". I know recovery is worse for a c... but its weird.... I can't explain it.  Then dh and I picked out a name for baby (Daniel) and I felt better for like 2 seconds until I thought "I should not be thinking of boy names.... I don't even care what he (my husband) names the baby" I feel so bad. What a horrible mom this poor baby has. How awful tto be born to a mother who just doesn't want you.... I had my first ds as a teenager and did not wish him away like I am doing with this poor baby. There is no part of me that is excited. i hate talking about pregnancy. I hate going to doctors. I hate feeling poor baby move. I saw this baby in the sono today... a baby with huge fat cheeks... and I felt so bad.... he deserves to have a good mother..... a mother who wants him. And that is just not me... I am praying so hard for the desire to go away.... but it is not. I go to church and it never fails, a baby girl always sits in front of me..... I feel like God is trying to tell me he hates me. Its like, I will fill you with masive desire, and then I will not give you what you want. I will taunt you every chance I get by giving all your friends girls and by having your MIL tell people its a girl so that every Christmas card you get will congratulate you on your dd. I will put adorable girls in your path every chance I get, but you will never get this gift.... because I hate you.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.  I had to reply because I want you go know that God does not hate you.  He loves you soooo much.  I can't explain why He didn't give you a daughter.  I have no idea.  But I know He loves you.  You are the apple of His eye.  He sees the big picture and when we are very limited in our understanding, He is setting up a beautiful portrait, one that includes you and your beautiful family and that wonderful little boy you are growing.  He loves you so much that He chose you to be the mom to this little miracle.  This little boy has a very special place in the world and in your family. 

All my boys were november/december babies and being so close to Christmas, I felt it was a special privilege to be able to relate to Mary - Jesus' mother in this way, as a woman.  It is such a special blessing.  Please feel what you feel and understand that you have a right to feel sad and to mourn the daughter you thought/wished you were having.  But through God's grace I know you can pull out of that darkness and find joy in the gift of this special baby boy.  He will be a joy to you.  and you will love him just like you love your others.

Hang in there.....

XXX

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.  Life seems so unfair at times.  I am 30 weeks today too and had a scan to see our baby boy.  He too had chubby cheeks   Please know that you are not a bad mother for feeling this way.  I have read many, many posts here on IG from other women who experience the exact same feelings - you are not alone   You are in my thoughts and prayers .....

You are not an awful mum. I cried for an entire night in bed when I got my boy result. I hate telling people b/c the all say 'oh another boy". Almost the entire group of April mummies are having girls and I was secretly delighted when my friend told me she was having a boy cause I couldn't have handled a girl. we haven't even picked a name yet cause we just can't get it together. It does get better and you will love him sooo much when he's here. Daniel is a beautiful name btw! 

pinkbuggy:

Daniel is a beautiful name btw! 

Yes, what a sweet name

I'm so sorry you feel this way.  I've been struggling so much with expecting DS3 I wonder if I wouldn't be feeling the despair as much as you are if I was having a fourth.....I might not try again because I worry about it so much.  I hope things get better once your little man is here.  Hang in there!

Pinkbuggy, I don't visit the other April mommies that often because I feel like I'm the ONLY one expecting a boy.  It's hard to take. 

I can totally relate. I wanted a boy and a girl so bad . Just two kids. The perfect pigeon pair.

Not only did God not give that to me he let my best friend have boy/ girl twins. Not a boy , then a girl . The perfect giftwrapped family all in eight short months.

At the same time that she gives birth,  I am pregnant with my third boy. Talk about hell. I still feel God hates me.

No wait. I KNOW he hates me.

I have come so far since then . I have adjusted to this life of mine and can say I am pretty happy.

But I still believe those twins were put here to make me miserable.

 just a Christmas card with the twin's picture on it sends me into a bitter resentment

You are not a terrible person. It is easy to be good when you get what you want and so many people do. I do believe life or God  can give you more than you can take at times. I think you need to remember that and be kind to yourself so that in time you can be plugged into your son's life.

He does need you and it is true , he didn't ask to be born. Try to think about ways that will make you feel better about things. I used to leave the boys home with my husband so I could get a break from being a boy mom and just be me. I scheduled all sorts of lunches and dinners with friends. It was so theraputic to have a break from thinking about things.

Next time you go to the store tell yourself you will buy something for you ,not the baby. That also helps. It is like mothering yourself . I think that is what you need right now. You don't need people telling you that you should be greatful or that your being selfish. I always wanted someone to say. "I am sorry that your heart is broken. You don't deserve it . It is not fair that other people get their dream family without any effort. Take time to grieve and then in time you will be the great mother that I know is in you."

So I am saying it to you.

THe human spirit has an amazing way of healing. We can be brought to our knees at times and then by some miracle we wake up one day and find we are OK.

I can say now I can see other little girls and they seem foreign to me. Not quite as special anymore. I can talk with them and enjoy their company without feeling sad. I can go shopping for Barbie things and it is fun again. I never thought it would happen.

It WILL get better , I promise .Not perfect, but better.  

THose twins still piss me off! LOL

my3guysandaprincess?:

I am so sorry you are going thru this.  I had to reply because I want you go know that God does not hate you.  He loves you soooo much.  I can't explain why He didn't give you a daughter.  I have no idea.  But I know He loves you.  You are the apple of His eye.  He sees the big picture and when we are very limited in our understanding, He is setting up a beautiful portrait, one that includes you and your beautiful family and that wonderful little boy you are growing.  He loves you so much that He chose you to be the mom to this little miracle.  This little boy has a very special place in the world and in your family. 

All my boys were november/december babies and being so close to Christmas, I felt it was a special privilege to be able to relate to Mary - Jesus' mother in this way, as a woman.  It is such a special blessing.  Please feel what you feel and understand that you have a right to feel sad and to mourn the daughter you thought/wished you were having.  But through God's grace I know you can pull out of that darkness and find joy in the gift of this special baby boy.  He will be a joy to you.  and you will love him just like you love your others.

Hang in there.....

XXX

Excellent post!! 
Daniel is a great name by the way....that's my son's middle name.

You're not an awful mom...you're human!  I can completely relate to how you feel.  I went through a horrible time when I found out my fourth was another boy.  I wished and thought awful things.  I thought I was a bad mother.  And I thought God hated me.  I didn't think I could love another son, ever.

But when I held my baby boy and his eyes were locked on mine...I couldn't hate him, he was real now.  He wasn't just a thought of an unwanted boy that took my "daughter's" spot in the family.  He was my son, and I loved him as I loved my other boys.  I also knew God loved me then.  How could he not when he gave me such a beautiful gift.  I didn't ask for him, but I can't live without him!

Believe me.....I had GD in the WORST way, but nothing cures GD like the love for your own baby.  You'll love your son so much.....it's hard when you can't see them and hold them, and they're just a thought when you're pregnant.  Just take it day by day, as Babygirldreams said "It will get better!"  And it will!

Boy can I relate, I always felt like I was being punished.  With ds # 5 I knew KNEW it was a girl, then at the scan with all my ds' and dh with me, they said boy, I cried for weeks, I couldn't let it go, I hated everyone, and felt as though God was surely punishing me for who knows what, but it hurt. Everyone around was having dd, but not me I was having ANOTHER boy. Then he was born, and he was beautiful and sweet and I couldn't have wanted anything more. Its hard to think at your point of loving him and getting over it. I myself have come to the conclusion that God must really cherish us ladies with many boys, because he knows we are strong, and perhaps for me anyhow I was meant to have these boys and the desire for a dd only brings me more boys, but the are meant to be w/ us. I know if I had a dd instead of ds 2 I wouldn't have a ds 3. So here I am trying again and at some point I will get a dd, or my desire will at least not be as strong. I hope you the best and know you will heal, but it is so hard, when everyone around doesn't understand, can't feel the level of pain you feel. It will get better!

That's exactly how I felt and still do feel at times - almost like there is an entity out there watching who takes delight in tormenting me.  Not so much about the gender thing anymore thank God (mostly because I made up my mind that I WOULD NOT allow my child's gender to bother me any more), but anytime there is a flip of a coin possibility of something extremely annoying happening, it seems to fall the other way. 

Nothing big, but just a lot of little things, like being pecked to death by ducks.  Enough to drive me completely crazy but not so much that anyone else notices and has a speck of sympathy or assistance to offer me.  Like that old movie "Gaslight", no one else can see or hear anything going awry, but sometimes it just feels so cruel and so personal that it's hard for me to fully believe it's all just a coincidence.  Even though everyone who knows me on IG knows I'm really rather scientific-minded, still, sometimes in my nuttier moments, I do wonder who it is out there with this vendetta against me! 

I'l take him!!! I know exactly how you feel...I was just sitting here thinking of you pregnant with a son...I can't relate, I have no idea how that could possibly feel...how bloody sad!  I am starting to think that maybe I was given so many daughters because if I had had a son I would of been done and had no more kids...maybe thats it...god wants you to have a large family???

Princess of Pink:

because if I had had a son I would of been done and had no more kids...maybe thats it...god wants you to have a large family???

this is exactly what Gods plan was for me.  After all I wanted one kid.. a boy lol.  So God gave us 2 girls first

Princess of Pink:

god wants you to have a large family???

Not the case in my house, DH wants to be done having kids and my desire for a daughter hasn't gone away.  I think for some of us it's just one of those trials we have to deal with in this life.  Are you going to keep trying for a son?

Hi boyboyboyboy sorry you are so sad.Iam in the same boat I posted my attempt in attempts and outcomes I already have 2 boys and another on the way in may I am  also  so sad.I tried for a third because I somehow was convinced it woulld be a girl this time no luck.I am in the medical field and everyday hear sad stories of unhealthy children I guess what has pulled me out of saddness is the fact that we are truelly blessed as long as our children are healthy it is really all that matters in the end.I wish you the best of luck I know you will love Daniel with all your heart as I will love my third boy.