Having a tough motherhood

I know I could have it so much worse, I know I could have terminally ill children or they could be very brain damaged or disabled and be in wheelchairs or something.  I feel like the worst person in the universe feeling so sorry for myself, but sometimes I just can't help but think "why me?"

DS1 is delayed in speech and other things.  Didn't start talking until two and a half, still can't have a conversation, doesn't ask questions like a normal kid his age, doesn't answer most questions either, has several weird "quirks" that are sort of red flags (lack of empathy is just one example).  Last year when he wasn't talking at all we went to soooo many specialists with him and got zero answers except "it's probably not autism, but go to more specialists."  We were hoping moving near family and sending him to preschool would help, and it has, but it hurts to see him with all the "normal" kids, to go into the classroom and see all the projects up on the wall and see your kid's is clearly the work of the "slow" kid or to have the teacher give you bags full of materials for half the projects they do because your kid just wanted to wander around the room like a weirdo and refused to do the projects, and to see all the photos of the class doing various things and see that your kid is missing from most of the group shots because he refused to sit still and smile like the other kids and the pictures he is in he's looking off to the side or something, clearly the "odd one" in the group.  And the teacher is making us meet with some specialist who observes the kids once a month and noticed the trouble DS1 was having.  I'm so upset, it's like, here we go again, the milk-you-for-money specialist merry-go-round.  When will he just catch up and be a normal kid? 

Yesterday I fell down the stairs and hurt myself really badly and was screaming and crying, and he didn't even come to see what was wrong, just stayed in his room talking to himself like a weirdo.  I just wanted to go and shake him and yell, "what is the matter with you?"  I'm seriously the worst person to have a special needs child, I have no patience and when something doesn't work on the first couple of tries (like a teaching technique), I want to instantly quit.  I've always been terrified of autism, it's half the reason I didn't want boys.  I know this is terrible to say, but I always thought that if I had an autistic child, I would send them away to an institution because I couldn't deal with them and they'd be better off being raised there than by me.  I'm so upset, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Then there's DS2, who had all those suspected dairy allergy problems with the green poop and once had blood in his stool, and I didn't have dairy or soy for seven months and we had to go to all these specialists for him, too.  As per their instructions, I've been back on dairy and soy for a month now, and his poops are fine, so I thought that our visit this past Tuesday to the gastro people would be the last, but oh no.  Apparently he's not gaining enough weight, his length is average but he's in the sixth percentile for weight (DS1 was always in the 75% for weight and 25% for height).  So they ordered all these bloodtests for metabolic problems and celiac disease, and we have to supplement with formula (BFing is the one maternal thing I always thought I was good at, guess not ).  So what if something is really really wrong with him now?  All this time everyone in my family has been making it seem like I made this whole poo problem dairy thing up, and my dad, who went with me to the appointment, was yelling at me like it was my fault, like I wanted to come back to the stupid GI place.  Of course I wanted to stop going there!!!!  I just want to have them both be NORMAL!!!!

I know I always longed desparately for DDs, from before I even got married, but maybe my GD wouldn't be so strong, maybe I wouldn't get sick with jealousy walking down the hall in preschool and seeing all the strollers and carseats overflowing with pink, maybe I could just chill out and go natural for #3 if it wasn't all so impossible for me right now.  DH says he's worried too, but raising the kids isn't his whole entire LIFE like it is mine.  It's so hard too, because nobody sympathizes with me, everyone thinks I should be thankful and have got everything anyone could want - a handsome loving husband with a good job, two cute kids and a house.  Sometimes I feel like the victim of some cruel genie, where I got what I wished for but it wasn't really what I wanted at all. I feel like I'm living the bizarro version of my dream life, ykwim?  Like somewhere there's a bizarro me (probably a very nice lady, right?) with two extremely smart, healthy little girls who she never worries about, the lucky cow.

I'm such a miserable human being.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot this other element that has been bothering me for a while now.  I have only one good friend who is married, she's a newlywed as of last month.  We've been friends since elementary school, but we weren't speaking for part of high school when I was a big depresso gothic pothead slut-wannabe.  I like her and her new husband a lot, but I don't feel like I can share my sad and dark feelings about my life with her.  Anyway, we were having dinner with them a few months ago and we were talking about having kids and sons and daughters, and I said she might have boys since her DH (then fiance) comes from an all-boy family and she said "no, I'm just destined to have girls."  And I thought, she's probably right.  She'll probably wait until she's in her thirties and have two girls just like her mom (her family is feminist and woman-centric).  And it just kinda depressed me, because she has no idea how badly badly badly I want a DD, and the troubles I am going through with the DSs that I already have, and how depressed I am most of the time, and how I thought I was destined to have DDs too, but life decided to disappoint me yet again in that arena.

I don't know what to say, except that sucks.  You're not making up your worries, or thinking these thoughts because you want to.  It is what it is, and I hope some of those specialists can figure out what needs to be done...

Maybe you need to get back to law school -- sometimes fulfilling your personal desires can make the rest of life more manageable.  Perhaps, as important as they are, your children shouldn't be your whole life...

lissa:

Maybe you need to get back to law school -- sometimes fulfilling your personal desires can make the rest of life more manageable.  Perhaps, as important as they are, your children shouldn't be your whole life...

I agree.    

While that may work for some (the eternal staying at home to raise kids), maybe it doesn't for you??  

I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough patch, and I hope you can get some answers from the specialists.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. 

On some strange level I know what you are saying! I am truely blessed as I have 2 totally healthy, outgoing and amazing little boys who I have had NO issues with...health or mental. I count my blessings everyday that they are mine, because I couldn't be a Mom to anyone else. I'm not wired that way, and I hate to admit it, but I'm too selfish.

I agree with Lissa, maybe you need a "You Only" hobby or task. I'm in school again as well and I hate it, but I'm doing it for the family. I also have a horse and THAT is my passion!! I love everything about the horse, especially the "me" time I get. I would love one of my kids to be horsey with me (a huge reason I wanted a DD so badly), but at the same time I adore the freedom and alone time I get with the horse. I'm also blessed with a wonderful husband who pretty much lets me have anything and everything I want (which really isn't much as we're broke, but he tries!!) and he lets me have all the horse time I want. Which isn't much either as we do lots of family stuff and I make sure that we get that before I get horse time.

Anyhoo, good luck hon and I pray that everything with the kids works out and that you can pull through!

Ahimsa_Malozzi:

Sometimes I feel like the victim of some cruel genie, where I got what I wished for but it wasn't really what I wanted at all. I feel like I'm living the bizarro version of my dream life, ykwim? 

Totally, totally kwym!  It's like, yes, I got what I wanted, but just the barest, barest minimum of that.  Nothing extra, nothing thrown in there just to make me happy, nothing that could be considered a perk.  There are many, many times where I absolutely do feel like an evil genie is watching me, granting/refusing just enough of my requests to make me absolutely nuts - yes, you can have a roof over your head, Kristin, but it's going to be a complete piece of crap that everyone is going to judge you for.  Oh, and you don't get any nice furniture to go in it either, you don't really need that.  Seriously, you should be happy I'm giving you that much!  The same goes for my kids, my parents, my health, my looks, my marriage, my every possession, and so on...everything is just this pale facsimile of what I thought my life would be like - never quite as good as the dream and never ever ever better than I expected.  Maybe that's just how it goes sometimes, but I really don't think I am greedy, I don't want anything more than what tons of people seem to just get handed to them.

Anyway, big hugs to you - you are not alone here!  I hope you hear good news with your sons - I have been through the pediatric GI merry-go-round with DS 2 and 3 and both of them seemingly grew out of their digestive problems eventually.  Also, I researched quite a bit about autism when I was pg with DS 3 (I like to research things that scare me, it's how I "control my universe") and they have really made great strides in therapy.  It sounds like even if the worst case scenario comes to pass and he does have autism, the ages between 2-6 are the hardest to get through, most kids make dramatic improvements after that with the help of therapists and sometimes meds.  Boys do tend to be autistic more often than girls are, but autistic boys are typically better able to function in life and also seem to improve much more than girls do, with appropriate therapy.  I wish you all the best of luck for getting through the rough spots and hope that every joy you have coming to you far exceeds your wildest dreams!! 

BTW, I don't know if you've ever heard of the book Look Me In the Eye, but it's a memoir of a guy who grew up with Asperger's years ago when no one had ever heard of it before.  He suffered as a child but went on to be a very successful person, largely because of his Aspergers rather than in spite of it.  It's an entertaining read.  

I read your post and the way you describe how you feel sound very difficult, frustrating, and disappointing.  I am so sorry that things feel this way right now when all you want is to have things feel "normal" for your son.  I do applaud you for seeking help and opening yourself up and sharing your inner thoughts.    Hopefully, your son will overcome much of this as he matures and with your loving and patient guidance you both will get through this rough time.  Things will get better.  I hope you are feeling better soon and you can get a handle and some answers about your son.   Big Hugs. TJ

Thanks everyone.  I do need a "me" hobby, but with two little ones so young and the pressing desire to ttc a girl ASAP next year, there's no way I'm going to be doing anything for myself career-wise for two or three more years.  And while I appreciate people telling me they hope I get answers from the specialists, the whole thing is that at this point I completely distrust the specialists.  I really think that this whole autism thing is a cash cow industry, and they have a strong incentive to diagnose your child and keep them in the system so they can keep their hand in your wallet.  I'm not even convinced that with mild cases therapy even helps at all more than just working more closely with the child yourself (which I don't even have the patience for, DH and my dad are going to try to work with him more, whatever that entails).  I really just don't even want to deal with specialists at this point, I feel like it's just an annoying heart-breaking waste of time and money.  It would be one thing if he was deeply deeply autistic, but if he is autistic, it's mild, so I feel like I just don't want to know.  I just want him to friggin' SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!  Seriously, I get so mad at him sometimes.  Half the time I don't think anything is wrong with him except that he's delayed, but half the time I just feel like jumping out a window and letting DH find a more sympathetic Catholic wife who would be a better mother to a "special" child. 

Gotta go, my grandma's here.

It sounds like my life too, except you got the DS [that I wanted!] & I got DDs [unless there's an U/S gender mistake in 5 days or whenever 'DD2' arrives, eek]

I know I'm not happy to stay at home but I also don't have a career to go back to so there's nothing I get fullfillment from which is what everyone needs? DD2 is lovely, when she's not screaming/having temper tantrums, I sometimes think other 'earth' mothers'd appreciate her more than me but the 24/7 thing drives me doo-lally, I feel so stuck & like I've become invisible; I use to have a life! The 1 thing that does keep me sane is going to the gym when I get the grandparents to babysit - tho I can't really do that at the moment, being shaped like a giant pear. I went swimming/floating round in a toy-ring, the other day & when I got out I felt so heavy, after being supported by the water for an hour.

I don't know much about autism but someone I spoke to who'd worked in that field said everyone is autistic to some degree? I don't know if she's right but it made sense to me; that everyone has traits of it in varying degrees, its only a problem when other people don't think its normal & everyone's got a different idea of what's normal anyway. Like my DH thinks it's totally normal to be obsessed with a football team, other men spend all day/night sat on river-banks fishing, I see that as mild autism? Maybe my obsession with GD is mild autism, I know I can get lost in doing things 'to the exclusion of the outside world' & I've heard that's a symptom of autism? Sorry if my understanding is way-off but I do think there's always hope, especially if it's mild - I saw a little boy on TV who'd had autism that stopped him communicating till the family bought a puppy & somehow that 'unlocked' him & he was 'normal'. Its finding the right key.

I guess having 2 kids is 'worse' than 1 as regards getting some me-time?! Now I'm thinking I was mad to have another when its hard enough coping with just 1. At least we've got the internet to escape onto tho?! If I didn't have this I really would be an isolated stay-at-home-r

sailormoonmomma:

wow! your post is somewhat winey! I also have a DS with delays, He did not speak till he was 3.5 and has been in therapy since he was 2. This year is the first year that he is in regular class with "normal" kids. he usually went to special ed classes with kids with downs and autism.

I whine a little but give myself a big slap in the face because DS is healthy and I buckle up and help him in his advancement. My BFF has a son with Downs and I have NEVER heard her complain.

None of my kids breast fed because I have problems with my nipples. So I pumped till my milk went dry. DD had colic for 9 months and cried alllllllllllll day and night.

Please don't feel like you have been defeated and try not say "Poor me" Our kids need us and feeling bad for our selves and showing it to them DOES NOT HELP

Sorry If I may sound rude but these kids we have Did not ask to be born and all they want and need is for us to take care of them and help them advance.

Wow!  I'm somewhat offended by your post!  My whole point is I think I'm the worst person to have a special needs child, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it if he doesn't grow out of this, and I hate myself for it, and I hate my life sometimes because of it, and fleetingly consider suicide at least a few times a week.  I really, really, really don't think I'll be able to handle it.  I already said I know I could have it worse, obviously I know that, and it makes me hate myself even more.  I think you could be a little more sympathetic, especially since you could say the same thing about people with GD, that the babies causing the GD didn't ask to be born and they need us to take care of them, except that most GD babies are healthy and normal, so having heavy depression over a delayed/possibly special needs child is actually a lot more logical since the devastation lasts a lifetime.  Obviously not judging GD sufferers though, since I have bad GD too!

Ahimsa_Malozzi:

Wow!  I'm somewhat offended by your post!  My whole point is I think I'm the worst person to have a special needs child, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it if he doesn't grow out of this, and I hate myself for it, and I hate my life sometimes because of it, and fleetingly consider suicide at least a few times a week.  I really, really, really don't think I'll be able to handle it.  I already said I know I could have it worse, obviously I know that, and it makes me hate myself even more.  I think you could be a little more sympathetic, especially since you could say the same thing about people with GD, that the babies causing the GD didn't ask to be born and they need us to take care of them, except that most GD babies are healthy and normal, so having heavy depression over a delayed/possibly special needs child is actually a lot more logical since the devastation lasts a lifetime.  Obviously not judging GD sufferers though, since I have bad GD too!

I also suffered from GD once DS was born. I never in my whole life wanted a boy but I did not complain about it and I love him more than life. He is even my favorite We have been to many different clinics to try to see what is wrong with him. blood test after blood test and phycologist and therapy and treatments ect ect. I KNOW what you are feeling but like you said in your first paragraph. It could be A LOT worse, so lets thank God its not.

sorry, I did not want to make you feel worse

I remember when I first found IG you were pg and hoping for a DD because there was so much riding on it. It is hard to accept when things happen in a sucky way: I still can't believe I got screwed out of my attempt for a ds by getting pg on an oops. I have one oops in three years and have to fall pg with another DD? Thanks for the bitch slap, universe!

Motherhood is rough. (I'm someone who loves my kids but has issues with motherhood; it's so invasive and consuming!) You're doing a great job, and you deserve a great life. I have faith you will get there!

Oh hi,

I know we have spoken before about our sons. I too have a weirdo.I love him to pieces but there is just something weird about the kid. We have had tons of problems with him. Just as he overcomes something we are back to teachers telling us that our son doesn't know shapes or colors and can't count. He has been doing all of that perfectly since before he was two!

SO the kid just sits there in a coma in preschool . THey all think he is a moron and put him in a class for delayed kids even though he isn't delayed. He actually is advanced when I look at the charts.

She said when he goes to the bathroom after he is finished he stays in the bathroom like he doesn't know what to do next. This kid has peed everywhere just fine!  He even pees in airplanes for heaven's sake.

I am so depressed too. I feel like " OK, my heart is broken I didn't get my girl but give me a break and give me a normal son! "

Like Kristin said , I feel like I am greatful for the things in my life but I have gotten just the bare minimum , nothing special. THen of course I feel quilty about thinking that.

I think there are people that are really upset at having a child with special needs. I am one of those people. I was devestated when the teachers moved my son to a class of delayed children. I am still devestated. Because I know he isn't delayed he is just weird. I to wish he would just snap out of this thing he has because it is making me crazy. Now the teachers beleive his alergies are playing into this problem . I always get this but what am a suppose to do? I have seen every specialist on the planet.

I am amazed at people who have special needs children and aren't bothered by it. I think they are either really highly evolved or just more removed from their kids? I don't know . I just know I can't relate.

I am sorry some posters can't sympathize . BUt then again maybe we are grieving more than just a delayed child KWIM?

babygirl dreams:

I am amazed at people who have special needs children and aren't bothered by it. I think they are either really highly evolved or just more removed from their kids? I don't know . I just know I can't relate.

aw maybe they love their kids unconditionally. I know that my friend who has a DS with downs never complains and  is so proud of him when he achieves goals. I must say that I love that little boy so much too

We should start a support group for us moms with children who have special needs. For example my almost 6 year old is STILL no completely potty trained. Its hard when you see other kids just get up and go potty but I still have to wipe my big kids butt and clean up his accidents.

We should email Maureen about a forum for us.