Firstly, I didn't know this forum was here, but I'm glad there is somewhere for us sad cases to go and talk, without upsetting the others.
We were trying for 5months (6 cycles), using a mix of high-tech (at home methods) and lower tech stuff such as diet and supplements. On the 6th attempt of ttc a girl, we got our BFP. I'm 40, so we thought that was fairly fast. After a small amount of bleeding, I had early scans, and the one at 9 weeks was fantastic, with baby waving it's arms and legs and flexing it's body. A very precious memory. we were reasured by the midwife that the bleeding was from a small errosion on the cervix, and not from the baby. I don't think it had anything to do with what happened. We were also told that there were no guarentees, but seeing a heartbeat and an apparently normal baby meant a less than 5% chance of m/c. But someone, sadly, has to be the 5%.
On Tueday, my DH and I went for our booking scan at the hospital. I was about 11wk and a couple of days. We were so happy as we had decided to keep the news to ourselves untill 12 weeks and the scan, and were anticpating showing the pictures to friends and family. DH was really looking forward to the scan and had taken time away from work to be there (I am so glad he was there so we could support each other).DH had attended one early scan, but it was too early to see movement or a heartbeat. He didn't get to see the wonderful, happy 9 week scan.
Within 10 seconds of the booking scan starting, we knew something was wrong. The midwife didn't turn the screen round like they normally do, and started pressing really hard on my belly with the scanner - to the point of it being really quite sore. She said she couldn't get a good view and was my bladder full. It was, but she got me to go and drink water and rescanned in 20min. This time after scanning for a couple of mins, saying "it's very low down, I'm not getting a good veiw" a few times, she turned the screen round and told us th baby was very still, and she wanted us to go downstairs to be rescanned by the doctors who had a scanner with much better resolution. It was already plain to us that the baby had died. It was so still. at the 9 week scan, even when it was not moving, it was not still, and the heart beat was very easy to see.
Downstairs I had two more scans, but two different doctors, and it was very clear that the baby was dead. It measured 10 weeks and 3days.
We were taken to a side room while arrangments were made. The doctor came and offered us a print of the scan picture (which we were happy to have), and cups of tea (which we didn't want), and leaflets about miscarriage.
On wednesday (the next day) we had an appointment at EPAC (early pregnancy unit) where they went through our options. I wanted a medical procedure (tablets), but they advised against this as more than half of women at 10 and a half week end up needing a ERPoC (to remove the products of conception) because all, of some of the bits don't come away. I could have waited for nature to take it's course, but I was told that could take weeks of waiting and serious pain. I have 3 boys to take care of, so that wasn't really a good option for me.
I was booked in for a ERPoC the next morning, (yesterday). We asked if we could take the remains home with us to bury in the garden. They said that was fine.
WARNING, THERE FOLLOWS A GRAFFIC ACCOUNT OF SURGERY AND OF OUR BABY. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK IT WOULD UPSET YOU. I THINK WOMEN ABOUT TO UNDERGO THIS PROCEDURE COULD BENEFIT FROM READING IT. It may give reasurance.
Yesterday we went to the hospital at 8am, and had tablets inserted to open the cervix. A strong Antibiotic was put up my bottom (as you are not allowed to eat or drink before an op), to prevent infection in the womb. I had to stay in bed for 30mins, but could get up and walk arround the room after that. I had my own room, with bathroom. The staff said they always try to give a single room to women having miscarriage. DH was able to stay.All the staff were so compasionate, but also down to earth. There were pats on the arm and reasuring hand squeases everytime I cried, which was a lot of times. They were also careful to speak to my husband by name everytime they came into the room, to keep him involved, after all, it was his baby that had died too.
After about 2 hours (to give the tablets time to work),I had some pain and bleeding but mothing worse than AF. The surgeon came to introduce himself and to say I would be taken to theater soon. He asked us what our expectation of taking the remains home was. I said I knew that the baby would be very small, and might come out of me in bits. I said we felt we wanted to bury it in a private place at home rather than have to hospital take it away. The surgeon was happy to give us the remains but explained that the procedure to remove the baby involved using a suction device which would break up the tissues and there would be a lot of blood too. Nothing was likely to be recognisable. We said we understood. He was happy to agree to give us the remains and said they would be in a jar, placed inside a plain white box. I think it is good that he took the time to do that, as many people would not know that the operation does this (it's done that way to make it safer for the woman, much less invasive than a D and C). We already knew this information as DH is a doctor.
When they brought the trolly into the room to take me to theater, I started to cry and didn't stop till I was put to sleep.That was when it became real, that the baby really was dead and was going to be taken away from me. DH walked with the trolly and held my hand untill we got to the operating room and he had to go. The nurse and the doctor held my hand and made sympathetic comments They put a needle in my hand and the next thing i remember is waking up and someone taking my blood pressure. It took a couple of seconds to realise that it was over. It only took about 15 mins.
After a while I was wheeled back to my room, tears still rolling down my face. I could feel I was bleeding into a pad. I had to stay in bed for 30min, then they brought lunch and said I could go home after I'd eaten, had some water and passed urine. DH returned, and sat with me until it was time to go. I felt ok, not in pain at all. The bleeding was heavy AF but no cramps, and they said it should only last a few days (up to 2 weeks), getting lighter each day. If it stars to get worse, I'm to go back incase there is infecton or retained products of conception. They told me to take it easy for the rest of the day and not to drive.
My belly felt empty. the womb had dropped down lower now it was empty I think.
By About 3pm we were home and planting a small fruit tree in the garden, with the remains. We decided to look at the remains before we buried them. This is not something I would recomend to everyone, but if you find yourselves in this situation, and want to look, then do. I realise I'm speaking as a science graduate, married to a doctor, and both of us used to seeing unpleasent things, but we didn't find it terrible to look at, sad yes, but not terrible. We both found it very helpful to look, and to see the pieces. If you want to know how to view the remains, keep reading. If you think this will upset you, stop reading now. We removed the lid from the from the vacumm jar, it just looked like mashed liver, with blood. We though oh, there is nothing to see. But, remembering science classes, we thought if we rinsed off the blood and floated the remains in a shallow dish with clean water, then that would give us a chance see some part of our poor little baby. We used a small fine mesh strainer (a tea strainer?) poured the remains into that, let the blood drain then gently rinsed the remains with clear water until all the blood was gone. We carefully put the remains in a glass bowl with water, and carefully stired with a teaspoon. We spotted a tiny arm, perfect and tiny, with clearly visible hand fingers and even the sugestion of fingernails. We sat and looked at it for a while, it really made us feel connected to the baby, and each other. Here was something we had made together, out of love, and something which we loved since we first knew of it's existence 8 weeks ago. It might sound strange, but it was a special moment. We looked some more, and found the other arm, also perfect. This one was still joined to what must have been the body, but that was too damaged to see anythig very much. We used the strainer again, to gather up all the tissue, and put it in a little jewel box with a small teddy and burried it while planting the fruit tree. It was very uplifting, and felt also like drawing a line under what has been an awful few days. It is over, but we will be sad a long time. I'm glad I have such a wonderful DH, and 3 wondeful DS.
A tiny chink of light - elsewhere on the Ingender site, I read that in the first weeks following a m/c, you are more likely to c a girl, due to the hormones still floating around the womans body being more favorable to a girl. The doctor and widwife have both told us that you can start ttc as soon as you feel up to sex!
I know I feel better for writing this post, I hope some one else might benefit too. Sorry it'd so detailed, and perhaps shocking to some. Sadly, these things happen and I'm just telling the story as it was.
It still feels unreal that all this was happening only 24 hours ago. Physically, now, I feel ok, good even. Just a little blood, no pain at all.