DS2 is here...and feeling very blue

DS2 is now 2 months old, and although I love him to bits I am also constantly sad to think that he is not a girl.  I feel like I am really struggling to be a good parent to my 2 boys now.  DS1 is 2 1/2 and very demanding, and DS2 is suffering a little with reflux and I find myself just crying whenever DS2 cries. 

I feel like it was only after hearing at my 13 week scan that it was likely a boy that I realised how much I didn't want a boy for either DS1 or DS2.  In my mind I had just assumed that I would have a girl for my second...especially after I did the girl diet and all.  I realise in hindsight we really stuffed up the timing. 

I suffered GD all through my pregnancy and my DH is really getting fed up with me.  I doubt our marriage will even last long enough to have a 3rd child, to be honest.  I can't seem to snap out of my sadness.  I can't find the positive in anything.  My DH often looks after the boys in the afternoon so I can go out for a walk and get some exercise on my own, but I am so sad the whole time, and imagine how nice it would be if I could just keep walking and never go home.  I get to the turning point in my walk and have to come back again, and I just start crying about the fact that I have to come home.  This can't be normal.  Have been seeing a psychologist who recommends anti-depressants, but I just don't want to be taking pills to sort this out.  Surely I need to deal with the issue instead...I don't know.  I'm in a bad place.

And having 2 boys has made me really dislike my MIL, who also has 2 boys.  I guess I see my future through her, and it is pretty bleak.  2 boys who never call, never visit, and who are rude to her.  And she is really needy and annoying and overly possessive of my children.  It is me...staring back from the future.

I just think of that saying...something like daughters are yours for life and sons are yours until they find a wife...

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and you are right those aren't normal feelings. It sounds like you have post partum depression and you probably should be on medication. I know you want to sort out your feelings rather than take tablets I would too, but by having medication it will help you to sort out your feelings and think more clearly so you can deal with everything. Really hope you can get some help and feel better. Btw the brotherly bond is amazing. I love seeing my two playing together.

I take anti depressants and they have saved me! If you had a medical condition like hypo thyroid, you wouldn't hesitate to take medication to help it. Well, depression is a medical condition too. You are Definetly dealing with depression and for your sake, your marriage sake and especially your sons sake, please reconsider treating it. As far as that saying about boys and their moms, that is total bull. My sister rarely calls my mother, but my brother calls my parents all the time. I see my MIL way more than my own parents and am very close with my MIL as is my husband (her son). I actually got closer to my MIL after having my boys (she had two boys herself) causee I realized that although she may not have had a daughter biologically, I was now a daughter to her. Every year for mother day, I take my MIL for pedicures and just to have some girl time. You are blessed with two boys who will be best buddies for life and will always love and look after their mom. I have 3 boys who are glued to me and a baby girl who lves me but the second my dh walks in the room, I am chopped liver. My boys were never like that. They always wanted mommy so i am not used to being the second choice, but my daughter is all about daddy. Mommies are so important to sons. And not all boys are these rough and tumble sports players. My one son lives art. Loves taking art classes. All 3 boys love to cook with me. They also like to go shopping to pick out their clothes. Remember, children are sooooo much more than their gender. They are a piece of you! You made these little souls and they need a mom to raise them and love on them. Please know their is no shame in taking antidepressants. I take Lexapro. Wonderful drug that has saved me. It is way worse to walk around feeling the way you do. .

jilo77:

I take anti depressants and they have saved me! If you had a medical condition like hypo thyroid, you wouldn't hesitate to take medication to help it. Well, depression is a medical condition too. .

Absolutely.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, anti-depressants help to re-address the balance and make you feel more able to deal with how you are feeling. They aren't like they used to be either, the new SSRIs aren't addictive and are easy to wean off.

Please don't continue to feel as you do, talk to your psychiatrist again

xxx

oooooheeeer:

jilo77:

I take anti depressants and they have saved me! If you had a medical condition like hypo thyroid, you wouldn't hesitate to take medication to help it. Well, depression is a medical condition too. .

Absolutely.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, anti-depressants help to re-address the balance and make you feel more able to deal with how you are feeling. They aren't like they used to be either, the new SSRIs aren't addictive and are easy to wean off.

Please don't continue to feel as you do, talk to your psychiatrist again

Also agree, i think the situation is not making you feel the way you are, but PND xxx

My heart really goes out to you. I was happy to get pregnant again so soon after DS1 and was utterly gutted to find I am expecting another boy in September. I always knew I wanted a girl, my own relationship with my mother was very poor when I was growing up and I swore I would do it differently with my own daughter(s). The thought that I will never get this chance is devastating.I also grew up with 2 brothers and the house was dominated by sports on the TV and not a lot else, I hated it and hate the idea of recreating it. 

DH has agreed to try for #3 and I feel awful as I cannot focus on this pregnancy but am becoming obsessed with the next one. I don't get on with my MIL but she has 3 boys and has always been bitter about never having had a girl and I do believe it has affected her own boys negatively even though she tried to hide her feelings when they were growing up.

 I agree with the other posts, I think you should reconsider medication. I know it's not what you want but it should succeed in getting you out of the place you are in now. I know how hard it is for you to focus on your baby as I am so scared I will feel the same way and I so don't want to lecture you or make you feel worse but please please try to focus on your son, this time is so important for him, and neither you nor he cannot get it back. I have felt so many negative emotions toward my unborn son in the last couple of days and I am deperate to start feeling ok before he arrives. If you can get help and start to feel better, it may improve your relationship with your DH too. I know this is tough, my DH is trying so hard to be supportive and understand but he just doesn't feel the same so I can't help resenting him a bit. I need to share my pain and disappointment with someone who feels it.

 If you can get yourself out of this dark hole, you can start thinking about the future and the thought that maybe you can try for #3. It may seem like an impossible dream at the moment but why shouldn't it happen? I really hope you can accept some help to get you out of this dark place, hugs x

My heart goes out to you. I was suffering GD for the past 3 weeks and THANK GOD is only 3 weeks because those 3 weeks felt like 3 life times. It was scary to be in such emotional state, all I wanted to do was be in bed in a dark room and alone. But deep down I feel guilty towards bub so I pray and pray for the strength to snap out of it and I did.

I cannot forget the moment I woke up from this deep darkness and ran to hug DH and told him I'm ok now, I'm at peace with having two daugthers. DH doesn't want any more children (still need to work on him) and at 41, I don't know if I'll have the chance to try for #3 or not.

But you're different, you can still try for #3 if you want to later on. So maybe if you can focus of getting yourself ready for #3 it will help you to gain control of your emotions and slowly snap out of this darkness.

Planning for #3 really helped me to stay focus and think positively during those 3 weeks even though DH said NO. I wanted to try for #3 ASAP, so I plan to go natural this time (shorter recovery time) instead on c-section and also plan to TTC after 6 months (to allow for breast feeding).

I hope you can find a way out soon.

Praying for you

My heart goes out to you. I was suffering GD for the past 3 weeks and THANK GOD is only 3 weeks because those 3 weeks felt like 3 life times. It was scary to be in such emotional state, all I wanted to do was be in bed in a dark room and alone. But deep down I feel guilty towards bub so I pray and pray for the strength to snap out of it and I did.

I cannot forget the moment I woke up from this deep darkness and ran to hug DH and told him I'm ok now, I'm at peace with having two daugthers. DH doesn't want any more children (still need to work on him) and at 41, I don't know if I'll have the chance to try for #3 or not.

But you're different, you can still try for #3 if you want to later on. So maybe if you can focus of getting yourself ready for #3 it will help you to gain control of your emotions and slowly snap out of this darkness.

Planning for #3 really helped me to stay focus and think positively during those 3 weeks even though DH said NO. I wanted to try for #3 ASAP, so I plan to go natural this time (shorter recovery time) instead on c-section and also plan to TTC after 6 months (to allow for breast feeding).

I hope you can find a way out soon.

Praying for you

A couple things.....

1.  My DH and his mom are SUPER close.  Him and his brother and sister, mom and dad grew up a very tight knit family.  My DH talks to his mom every couple of days if not once a day.  I rarely ever call my mom and when I do I get irritated when I talk to her, mostly because I'm not a phone person.  I asked my DH how it come to be that him and his mom were so close.  He simply stated that his mom has always been his rock.  Firm when needed, soft when needed but always there for him to support him.  She attended all his school functions, even if they were small and "unimportant" and dinner time was dinner time, meaning no TV and no getting up from the table until the whole family was done. 

2.  I had my desired gender as a FTM with my daughter and I STILL suffered from horrible depression .  I cried constantly and I basically just hated life.  I tried to get medication but they kept saying I needed referrals and needed to visit people when all I wanted was to treat myself with some medication.  I never ended up getting help so my PPD lasted for about 8 months.  I'm going to talk to my OB about starting meds right away this time because I don't want it happening again.

It sounds like you have PPD.   I definately think the pills would help.  Some depression is chemical imbalanced and even if you try taking them for a couple months it could help get you past the really rough parts of PPD.  There is nothing wrong with taking pills to sort things out, you had a baby 2 months ago, your body is out of whack!  I've heard it takes 1 YEAR to fully recover your body from childbirth.  That's NUTS!

 

Ilovebeingpregnant:

oooooheeeer:

jilo77:

I take anti depressants and they have saved me! If you had a medical condition like hypo thyroid, you wouldn't hesitate to take medication to help it. Well, depression is a medical condition too. .

Absolutely.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, anti-depressants help to re-address the balance and make you feel more able to deal with how you are feeling. They aren't like they used to be either, the new SSRIs aren't addictive and are easy to wean off.

Please don't continue to feel as you do, talk to your psychiatrist again

Also agree, i think the situation is not making you feel the way you are, but PND xxx

I also agree with everything above. Pls talk to your doctor and psychologist again about this. I also have GD, but I am always excited to come home and see my DS, or when I think of DS2 arriving. I think the two can be mutually exclusive - that GD does not have to equate depression - and that's what you need to work on your way to finding peace.. If you had thyroid issues, high blood pressure or diabetes, you wouldn't think twice about it and would take the appropriate meds for your body to function better. Well your brain is also part of your body and may need some meds too - alas, because it's psychological, people think you can will it away, esp. since it's more taboo. Well most times you can't will it away because it's a physical imbalance just the same as all other illnesses.

I also know many men you are close to their mothers, sometimes even closer than some girls are to their mothers (we all know mother-daughter relationships can be very complex and difficult too, esp. at adolescence). These men are sweet, considerate and helpful with their moms, and they look up to her, without being mama's boys. So there's no reason history should repeat itself in your family - your boys CAN stay close to you. It's about how you raise them!

 

agree take the meds, they can't make you feel any worse. but you said ds2 cries alot... girls cry alot too. just because they have a vagina doesn't mean they don't cry. dd2 cried all the time. take him in for a check up. turned out dd2 was getting chonic ear infections and with a little one sometimes they dont' pull on their ears. i recommend taking the little guy in for a check up and making sure its nothing else and maybe getting him some reflux meds. once he chills a little bit it will probably help you too.

I just think of that saying...something like daughters are yours for life and sons are yours until they find a wife... just saying this quote is garbage and not true. hate this saying. i have zero in common with my mother but good lord my brother can do no wrong in her eyes.

I could have written you post a few years ago. I wanted a daughter for my first child and I had mild gd when I found out my first was a son. I got over it quickly, however, because I knew we would have at least one more child and I wanted one of each. I was told a few days before my gender u/s with my second son that I should not try to have anymore children because of all my complications. When I found out he was another boy I had horrible gd. I went on to have an even worse pregnancy, but thankfully my son was healthy when he was born. However, I was pressured into having my tubes tied after he was born because of the complications. My second son was absolutely grouchy, cranky, and horrible when he was born. He had reflux, colic, and what they thought was agorophobia (fear of people/places). I couldn't leave the house (literally) for 9 months because he would scream until his face was purple unless I took him back home. He's still my little troublemaker but I wouldn't trade him for a handful of girls now. I came to terms with the fact that he is the little person he is and nothing will change that. I finally realized I had to love my son for the person he was and go on with my life without a daughter, and I was able to overcome a lot of my gd with him that way but it took me over a year after he was born to get to that point.

Give yourself time to grieve. It's okay to grieve what you imagined and wanted badly that didn't happen! Try to be patient and gentle with yourself and hopefully your hubby will come around. Soon enough (I know it seems like an eternity from where you're at) you will come to love having 2 boys and love your second son like I did and do now.

 Hugs!!

 

oooooheeeer:

jilo77:

I take anti depressants and they have saved me! If you had a medical condition like hypo thyroid, you wouldn't hesitate to take medication to help it. Well, depression is a medical condition too. .

Absolutely.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, anti-depressants help to re-address the balance and make you feel more able to deal with how you are feeling. They aren't like they used to be either, the new SSRIs aren't addictive and are easy to wean off.

Please don't continue to feel as you do, talk to your psychiatrist again

xxx

There are also different types like atypical antidepressants and SNRI's that work on different neurotransmitters in your brain. They're proven effective and they're popular for a reason.

 

oh where to start meds sound like a good idea for my first i got really bad PND and we got the sex we wanted i would say ur GD is made worse by this its great that you are seeing someone but sounds like you need more the meds helped me so much but most of all my health nurse was great she just listened. I have the same worrys about not having a girl that my boys will never visit but my DH is the only boy of 4 and he visits more then the others if we dont go and visit them atleast twice a week we get a message or phone call wondering if they have done something wrong lol and if we go a whole week OMG theres just panic lol we are always over there both my parents have passed away along time ago so i am very close to the MIL even though shes a little crazy sometimes her hearts in the right place. Try to think back to befor you felt this depressed did you love your husband and your first son? try to hold onto that its not worth throwing it away if once you feel better you will be happy again :) and dont forget YOU WILL feel happy again its a hard time to get through and sometimes explaining to your DH how hard it is and that your trying to help it but he needs to bare with you gives him not the knowledge about what your going through he already knows as he's there but that you understand that your not always nice or happy (not sure how to word that bit) and that it effects him to then he might give you a bit more leeway not sure if that made sense but wen i had pnd i remember saying to my DH i know im irrational i know im being a bitch BUT.... and then i would let him have it and once i said that he gave me alot more emotional room and didnt snap back and just took alot of my crap im not saying your like i was im loud wen im upset not quiet and i dont know what you are just sharing my experience. I hope you start improving soon my son had bad reflux too and i spoke to the health nurse and she wrote to the doctor and suggested some medication for him he was only on it about 4 months and was fine after that but it was nice that someone noticed my child wasnt perfect and that i needed help :)

I didn't want meds either but my psych said that they would help me out of the feelings so I could better deal with the issues. He was right and they did. Once I felt a bit better, I could deal with the other things.