Very sad right now :(

My name is Deborah, I'm very new here, just foudn this place today by Googling "gender disappointment".  I am a mother to a 2.5 year old little boy.  I had horrible PPD after his birth that I feel never really went away completely.  I had some therapy and some meds but went off everything and stopped seeing a therapist. 

I guess I just bottled it up and moved on after a bit. I love my son but still find it hard to bond with him.  Anyway we are pregnant again and I have started seeing a therapist about 2 months ago to work through some issues from last time with my birth, PPD and just general life. 

We had our US yesterday and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I have felt in my gut this baby was a girl.  Just felt it.  The feeling turned into desperate want.  I was so excited yesterday when we went to ourUS b/c I just knew I wasn't wrong.  BIG SURPRISE.  First the doc said girl, then said "there is too much stuff in this area" to be a girl, so he jiggled my belly rather violently a couple times to get baby to move, then said boy.  All the while giving  me the crappiest US pic EVER. 

I was shocked and told the doctor to his face "I don't beleive you, and won't beleive it till our 28 week 4D US".  My husband later told me I was really rude.  I cried in the office and pretty much all day yesterday.  I kept telling everyone and myself that I would be just fine if this baby was a boy.  I thought if I said it enough times it would be true but it wasn't. I'm devastated.  I wasn't sure exactly why till I went to my therapist today.

 She asked me what was so bad about having a boy, what I liked and didn't like.  After some talking I realized, I think, that I had hoped a different gender would have a different outcome than last time.  That if I had a girl, i would bond better, not have PPD, things would be different and better.  I guess when they said "boy" I got scared that last time will just repeat itself. 

It's wierd b/c there was INSTANT detachment from this baby and prgnancy the minute he said boy. I have been in a funk since yesterday.  I instantly didn't care about this baby, instantly didn't care if I got my VBAC I so desperately want, didn't care if they cut me open again (almost told the doc to just schedule the section, forget the VBAC), didn't want to name this baby, don't want to dye yarn and knit things for this baby.  It's like I've shut down completely and detached from this baby. I know that's not fair to this baby but it's how I felt instantly. 

We go back for another 3D US at a different place on April 25th.  If they say boy too then I will still be disappointed but must know for sure before I can deal with it and move on. 

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it out b/c no on understands.  Our baby is healthy and I'm grateful but like another post said, "it's not enough".  I'm hoping it will be come August.

Gender disappointment is completely normal. I had it a little bit after DD2, but my GD was very short lived. With DD3, i was SO SURE she was a boy. Wrong. GIRL GIRL GIRL!! I love my babies, but I have a part of me that is longing for a son. If you read up on this site, you will learn about Gender Swaying. DH & I plan to do this next year, in hopes of getting our son. Maybe thats a possibility for a third? It will get better, just takes time. :)

Thanks.  I have read about gender swaying only recently.  This is our last baby as I can't handle PPD 3 times.  I couldn't deal with another pregnancy and disappointment

I'm so sorry that you didn't hear girl today. It must be really frightening to think you might experience what sounds like a terrible birth and postpartum period again. :( But it also sounds like you are doing what you can right now to get to a better place for yourself.

I can relate to being afraid of repeating the past - that's really why I'm on here, too. When I found out about DS,  I was in such a dark, ugly funk for about three months after our anatomy scan and I'm really afraid that will happen again. It colored my whole pregnancy.I figured if I got on here and talked it out and read what other people had to say (validation, uncovering the faulty messages/thinking and reading their suggestions for reframin) even before I had my gender scan, that that might not happen again. And I already feel like it has helped. I hope that is your experience, too. There are some absolutely awesome, loving and wise ladies 9and a few guys) on here who really "get" it. Welcome and best, best wishes.

 I didnt want to read and run.. sorry you are feeling this way.  do you have a therapy session soon- have you thought of talking with your thearapist about this? 

its really amazing to have a few of the same gender. i have 5 of the same gender. how would you feel if you were having your 5th boy? plenty of ladies are. right now im currently pregnant with my first boy but my cervix is not holding up like it should so this is my last baby. im trying to enjoy every second of it but what makes me sad is the fact he won't have a brother to play with. while my 5 daughters run off to play barbie my son will sit alone and play with nobody. you are giving your son a wonderful gift, its not the gift you wanted to give yourself but that makes you a very selfless mother. i say CONGRATS AND GOOD JOB!