Have you been able to share your GD with people IRL?

 Hi again,

Right now, I can't discuss my GD with anyone IRL except DH and my parents, and therapist. It feels lonely. But I do have a friend with two boys who has mentioned in passing that she had some GD and is not having anymore kids (she would have tried for a thrid, but her DH was opposed).  I'm looking forward to when I can share how I feel with her -b/c I know that she'll really understand and empathize.

Have any of you shared your GD feelings with folks IRL, mainly other moms of young kids, and has it helped?

Have you kept your GD secret with other people? When people ask if you have/had a gender preference, to you admit to it or not? Right now, I certainly don't feel like admitting it to anyone but that one friend, and maybe another mom of two boys I know whom I think had mild GD with her second...Kinda like when I felt "defective" around some people for having an only child until recently. Now I feel "defective" around people who have each gender or just girls... *sigh*, it never ends, the feeling of "failure" just got transfered. It's like, if I admit to my GD, then I lose face and will fel like even more a failure, kwim? Anyway, for now that's how I feel - I hope it gets better.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were all neighbors here and could get together IRL with our kids!!

I'd been really hoping #3 would be a girl. My "dream family" was boy girl girl. So while I do already have one of each, I am still suffering with GD. I've mentioned it briefly to my close friends. I just said "I thought for sure it would be a girl" or something like that. While most people also agree that they had a preference, I haven't felt comfortable sharing the absolute sadness I felt when I heard "boy" for #3. No one but DH knows I cried, a lot. My mom knows I was disappointed. Other than that I mostly check in here and read posts every few days. GL to you. I'm sure that when you meet your new baby you'll feel smitten.

my family told me, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

A little. Mostly I talk about how much it bothers me when other people say things about gender. Outside of IG I have very little patience for people with gender preferences or disappointment. I get pretty upset and defensive. So I'll share those feelings with my mom or my sister. An example is I was just telling my sister about how someone I know keeps talking about how much she wants a girl. It's kind of driving me crazy. If it were someone here, I would completely empathize but in the real world I just get mad!

 I never talk about my own desires or disappointments outside of here. I kind of do better when I buck up and embrace what I have, at least outwardly.

My SO doesn't get it and my MOM thinks I am selfish for wanting one sex over the other - so yes, i have TRIED to talk to people IRL - but it was pointless and they made me feel like shit about myself for something i have no control over.

Photo-Girl:

Have any of you shared your GD feelings with folks IRL, mainly other moms of young kids, and has it helped?

 

Yes, I did.  With both pregnancies, I was not shy at all about discussing my gender preferences with anyone who asked (friends, family, colleagues, strangers, etc).  Even after we found out the sex with DS, I did tell others I had been hoping for a girl.  Most people were very accepting.  I got no weird reactions at all.  Oh, except one from my grandmother.  She did not find it appropriate that I had a preference.  lol  But that was just her own personal opinion and did not bother me.  :)

However, I did not share my EGD issues with anyone other than my DH.  I experienced a lot of grief and depression (the worst was post-partum), but I chose not to tell anyone.  They would have only worried and there was nothing they could do anyways.  DH was tremendously supportive and helpful, that made all the difference.

So - in short, I did find it helpful to acknowledge my gender preference and disappointment to others.  It helped me accept my reality, and also myself.  But I did not disclose the true depths of my feelings.  I was not ready to do that, and felt no need to, so did not!  :)

If you want to share with others, share!  What you are experiencing right now is within the realm of human emotion, and it's *your* emotion, and it's okay!  If you want to talk with others, go right ahead.  It's your life, and if they don't like it, too bad for them!

HTH,

GZ

 i can only talk to dh to a certain extent. I think I maxed out my conversations about it with him though the other night, because he started to get annoyed with me. I do talk to my mom about it, and for the most part she has been very comforting and understanding. My next door neighbor has 2 boys, 5 and 3, and although she expressed to me that she once hoped for a girl, I don't get the vibe that she had gd they way I do, so I feel that it's not really a conversation I can bring up and discuss with her. I do keep gd a secret with everyone else, I don't have many friends that I an turn to or trust to understand the situation, so I just deal with it myself the best that I can. If someone asks me if I had a preference, I do say I was hoping for a girl but that I am happy either way...which is true, I am happy I am having another little boy..i just want a dd one day, but I don't think it will come especially if dh is very on the fence about a 3rd. But I can say that each day it is getting better, and I know I will be rid of the gd for sure once the baby is here. 

Only my close girlfriend knows about my GD (gender desire, not disappointment) and she's very supportive.  I wouldn't trust anyone else for fear of being judged or even mocked.  My husband is a great guy and very supportive, and it's not that I don't think he doesn't care, but I don't think he really gets where I come from.  I've tested the waters very slowly by expressing my GD and he just kind of has a puzzled look on his face.  I've even casually brought up going HT and I can tell he thinks it's just one of my random ideas.  He doesn't say if it's a good or bad idea or ANY opinion on it.  Men, pfft!

Without my friend and you guys here, I'd feel inferior.

GreenZelda:

If you want to share with others, share!  What you are experiencing right now is within the realm of human emotion, and it's *your* emotion, and it's okay!  If you want to talk with others, go right ahead.  It's your life, and if they don't like it, too bad for them!

ITA GZ - well put. .................. I have spoken to a few trusted friends about my GD, and of course DH who has bent over backwards really to accommodate my obsessional desire for a girl. Don't get me wrong, it's been a rocky road and at points I am sure he has almost left me over it. He didn't want any more kids but after 2 years finally gave in to my whines of 'please, let's try again for a girl - just one more, pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssssssssssse'. Lol - Now we're having 3. I'm thrilled, he's mortified!!! Sorry, I've gone off topic. I found it helped to tell friends about my GD but then when I found out DS2 was a boy I wished I hadn't as I knew they'd think I didn't want him. I then found myself manically going round pretending it was the best thing that could of happened actually and I was overjoyed to be having another boy! I wasn't. Like GreenZelda said, we CANNOT help our emotions, nor should we be punished for them. I have huge sympathy for anyone suffering from GD and pray that everyone on this site eventually gets their DG. xx

littlechicks:

I then found myself manically going round pretending it was the best thing that could of happened actually and I was overjoyed to be having another boy! I wasn't.

 

See, that's one reason I don't share my GD with people - I don't want anyone who doesn't really "get" GD to think I do love my son(s) and to have to justify myself, etc...  Right now, I feel only DH and my parents know me well enough to be in the know about this. Kudos to those who can step on their pride and fear of being judged and talk to everyone about it - I just can't. I do look forward to sharing a little with the other mom I mentioned because I'm sure she gets it since she has lived it. And it's not just a "misery love company thing" - it's more of a connection you make with someone when you know exactly how the other person feels since you're feeling the same way. I hope I'm making sense here!

littlechicks:

I then found myself manically going round pretending it was the best thing that could of happened actually and I was overjoyed to be having another boy! I wasn't.

 

See, that's one reason I don't share my GD with people - I don't want anyone who doesn't really "get" GD to think I do love my son(s) or am ungrateful for them, and to have to justify myself, etc...  Or one of those smug girls' mom to feel even more superior to me than she already does, kwim? Right now, I feel only DH and my parents know me well enough to be in the know about this. Kudos to those who can step on their pride and fear of being judged and talk to everyone about it - I just can't. I do look forward to sharing a little with the other mom I mentioned because I'm sure she gets it since she has lived it. And it's not just a "misery love company thing" - it's more of a connection you make with someone when you know exactly how the other person feels since you're feeling the same way. I hope I'm making sense here!

littlechicks:

I then found myself manically going round pretending it was the best thing that could of happened actually and I was overjoyed to be having another boy! I wasn't. Like GreenZelda said, we CANNOT help our emotions, nor should we be punished for them. I have huge sympathy for anyone suffering from GD and pray that everyone on this site eventually gets their DG. xx

 

I admire you for being able to act overjoyed to be having another boy when you weren't.  I don't know how people do that.  I never could.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so pretty much everyone knows about my GD.  I really don't care what they think, either.  I know that some people think it's selfish so I really don't talk about it with those people.  However, I do have a few people in my life that I can talk about it openly with and it does help.  I agree, the few times that I have met someone IRL who admitted to having GD, I felt so much sympathy for them because I know how painful it has been for me.  

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 The only place I've been able to share mine is with a therapist and here on the boards....DH wouldn't understand, and my in-laws are already outwardly showing their GD if this turns out to be a girl, and I have no real relationship with my own mother to even fathom talking to her about this....and my friends would think I was crazy.

This is such a great way to handle things. Very eye-opening.