Learned gender yesterday... Need support...

 Hi all,

Well, just as I feared, we're having a second boy. Even though my cynical nature expected it, it was still a slap in the face to find out for sure at the U/S yesterday. This morning my eyes are burning from crying myself to sleep (I slept in the guest room). I guess I just need to vent a little. I know these feelings will get less intense with time, but I feel that the void of never having a DD will always haunt me... when does it stop? I hesitated for a long while before deciding to have a second child and finally decided to go ahead with the project as I felt somewhat "incomplete". I am very thankful for getting pg on the first cycle and for the U/S yesterday being very reassuring health-wise, but since it's another boy, I just don't get that feeling of closure/completion I thought I'd have. Maybe when DS2 is born? I sure do hope so, because right now my excitement about this pgcy has gone down quite a bit. I know this sounds terrible, but I feel like this baby is just a consolation prize, "just another boy".... Part of me wishes we'd only found out at birth so I could have had four more months of truly enjoying this pgcy with the glimmer of hope it may be a girl, kwim? Because I know for sure I will adore this baby once they put him in my arms, but right now, he feels like an imposter in my belly.

What are the stages in a grieving process? Because I don't want to repress these feelings, but I don't want to wallow in them forever either.

Also, I'm in Canada. I am maybe considering HT for a 3rd (will not go for a 3rd unless it's HT). I don't want the IVF though and all the meds and ups and downs that go with it. I could deal with artificial insemination though. Is that what Microsort is? Is it possible to have Microsort done for family balancing or does it need to be for a genetic gender issue? I know nothing about HT. Any insight would help.

Thanks for reading gals - this forum is a soft place to land when you feel like you are being robbed of your dreams....

 

Sorry you heard boy :( I haven't confirmed mine yet but I'm pretty sure it's boy #2 as well. Sometimes I have good days and some days I just can't stop crying and a small part of me is still holding on to that small chance of a girl but my heart knows its not. My dh told me 2 was it but knowing how I would feel he's now ok with looking into high tech for a girl. He is the only boy in his family with 7 older sisters so he can somewhat understand the need for a desired gender. I have already started looking into microsort with iui or ivf in Mexico because I think thwould be the closest place available?? (I'm in Canada too....Vancouver) as for the stages of grieving... First comes denial, then anger, then bargaining, then depression and then acceptance and it is normal to go back and forth throughout the stages. I love my DS and know how much he needs a buddy but I still want a little girl. I'm grateful for this site as well, there are many understanding people to help you through. Hugs to you..... We will love these little boys!!!! :D

 Thanks Jess. I feel like I'm swimming between all those stages of grieving right now. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow so I'm hoping she'll have some support or advice for me. I know she won't judge because it's her job, but I certainly don't feel comfortable telling anyone else about my feelings, apart from DH and my parents of course. It's like I'm too proud to admit it and also, it's taboo because I know a few people who sadly can't have kids at all (or more kids) and would love to be in my place. I will also look into hypnotherapy for acceptance. One thing is for sure: this will not lower my shrink bill.

Also, not sure if it's "healthy", but I actually made a list of people I know (friends, relatives, and even celebrities) who have all boys. I guess that misery loves company and actually, a lot of those people seem ok with having one or more boys only. I have over 30 women on my list.

So Mexico is the only place for Microsort then? Have you researched it enough to look into particular places, cost, success rates, waiting lists? The only thing I heard was that it was cheaper in Mexico, but if the success rate is low, not sure I even want to try...would be heartbreaking again.

When is your U/S where you find out gender? Should be soon  since you're due in June! I had mine at 20w4d yesterday. We were away on vacation last week so I'm glad in only found out after as it would sort of "ruined" my vacay...

GD is just a beast for me right now and it really bites.

 

hugs photo, i just left you a reply on imps thread. if you are intrested in mexico i can give you a number if you want.

   but i also wanted to tell you how lucky you are. two boys was my dream family. while im finally getting a son after 7 girls and 3 miscarriages of unknown gender. i sometimes feel sad he won't have a brother to play with. everyone wants to give dd a sister but nobody ever wants to give ds a brother. i think you might change your mind after ds 2 gets a little bigger and you can watch them play together. trust me your heart will melt. it really helped me watching my girls bond. sometimes i feel so bad for this baby. his sisters wil run off and play barbies and he will be left alone with only mom or dad for company. im jealous of you and im sure after the hormones kinda chill out you will be happy. i bet big brother is super excited to have a baby brother to play with. good job mama

Im sorry you didnt hear the gender you were hoping for, and although I have one of each I was quite dissapointed when we found out my newborn was a boy.

I just wanted to pop in and say that your feelings are normal, and I felt the exact same way as you when we found out. I felt like I had an entire pregnancy of waiting until he was born to finally love him because I knew when I saw him I would want him, but for me not being able to see him made it hard to connect while I was pregnant.

From what you have said I have no doubt you will fall head over heels for your little man when he is born. I know I did (which I didnt expect - I had one of those "love at first sight" moments with him. I didnt have that with DD) But just for the moment maybe just sit with your feelings and let yourself feel the way you do. I dont think it will last long. x

I'm sorry.  I know it stinks to come to grips with never having a daughter.  And to let go of your dream family.  It does get so much easier as time goes on though.  Just hang in there and you will be ok.

Newbaby-Just wanted to tell you that my sister has 4 girls and 1 boy, and her son really likes having all sisters.  He's such a sweet boy, is very boyish still, loves sports and outdoors stuff, but I think he also has a good dose of sensitivity in him due to all the sister :)  Your little guy will be fine. 

newbaby2011:

everyone wants to give dd a sister but nobody ever wants to give ds a brother.

 

I always wonder why that is as it seems like many people with girls or pigeon pair really want another girl. Wouldn't it be just as exciting to give your son a brother as well? 

 

PhotoGirl,

I feel sad that you didn't get your little girl, but I know for sure you'll love this little man when he arrives. Hope you will be able to go HT in the future for you DD! 

 

 

My 2 boys are close in age.. only 18 months apart! And they have a blast together... I mean, they are like a 2 headed monster ;). They love, love, love each other.. and have so much fun "working" and playing together. We are expecting DS3 much to my shock.. I actually always wanted 2 boys and a girl.. but never thought I'd never have a daughter! So this baby will have 4 years and change apart from his oldest brother.. I have a feeling though they too will play together great.. My sister is 4 years older then me, and my brother 8 years.. we all would do things together when I was growing up.. they always included me, and I was treated as a little bit older probably by my parents.. so I was fairly independent at a young age, and really idolized my brother probably. I think you will be okay. The thing that I'm finding hard, is knowing the gender so far in advance. We didn't find out with our first 2.. but I was so convinced this baby was a girl, it's probably a good thing we found out before birth.. I was crushed when I found out, so I can't imagine having those feelings with my baby in my hands. I think right now though, it's really hard to feel connected to your baby when they are so abstract in your belly. I think you will feel very different once he is here. And I'm sure your son is going to be so excited to have a younger brother. We swayed for this baby and I think both had a false sense of security. Had we really thought about it and discussed it more seriously I think my DH would have suggested HT.. which is odd, since before finding out, he was pretty opposed to it.. saying what if something happened to the child.. she got sick etc, I'd always feel like it was because we played with nature.. but now, seeing how sad I was, he feels like he can push his comfort level and actually have a 4th child.. but it would have to be HT so we wouldn't risk a 4th boy.. we love our boys.. and I really think deep down my DH is so excited that we are having another.. but, 4 kids is alot.. and even my DH said.. 4 kids is a lot.. but 4 boys.. wow, that's just too much ;). They are active Little One's!!! I think if your DH is willing to go for a 3rd that is a great thing.. it means your door to having a daughter is not closed. I had to work on mine to agree to a 4th child. I'm not sure if I want to be pregnant again, or do IVF since all the hormones scare me.. but I needed to know the door wasn't closed.. it has helped immensely with finding some type of healing with this pregnancy. I have good days and bad days.. but mostly every day since our gender confirmation I get more and more excited to meet our new little guy.. I am only 26 weeks, so still feels like a long way a way.. but man, I've come very far since we found out at 16 weeks.. and I didn't think I'd get here.. you too will feel better.. you just need to give yourself time to get through all the emotions.. and then realize they'll come back when you hear about someone having a girl.. or see baby girls.. but I was falling apart in the beginning weeks after finding out, just seeing a baby girl, a toddler girl with pigtails, people I know who are pregnant with girls etc.. I mean seriously couldn't keep it together.. and now it doesn't faze me for the most part.. maybe stings a little.. but not falling apart crying. So I would say give it a couple weeks and you will a little bit better, a few weeks after that even more so.. and I think once your little guy is here it will feel much better.. but I'm not so sure you'll be ready to give up on the idea of a daughter too.. I have 2 sons now and still very much wanted to add a daughter to complete our family. Hope you feel better!!! And know there are a lot of us feeling the same way so this is a good place to vent.

I won't find out till mar 17th, finally got the courage to book a 3-d ultrasound, I'm not at all eager to find out... I looked into microsort a bit, Mexico city and Guadalajara.... It seems as though the success rates of getting a girl seem pretty good but success rates of actually getting pregnant on your first try with iui aren't so great, so not sure if I would do iui or ivf. I don't have tons of info cuz I started to feel guilty about looking into it while I'm still pregnant. Just gonna take it one day at a time.I'll keep you posted

Hi,

I'm sorry your're hurting right now.  You are in the right place for support.

I'm from Canada too and did the HT route.  

No, MS is not your only option.  BTW, MS is not available in the US right now for sex-selection.  BUT, you can do IVF with PGD or GSN to guarantee sex 99%+.  The downsides are it's expensive, and may not work on the first try.

However, we did it, and it worked for us.  

If you are serious, you can look into your options now, or later after the baby has been born.  We cycled in the US with monitoring done by a local clinic in our city.

Check out the HT board here, if you want.  And/or feel free to check out blogs and the HT Survey results tool.  Both links are in my sig below.

Hugs!

GZ

Truly sympathsize. I hope and pray you get your little girl next time. All the very best xxx

 Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. They help more than you think... because this is a time when I am feeling very lonely an angry at the world. My finding out gender is so recent that I'm in stage I think where I want to be angry, if that makes any sense. It's like I need to go thru that phase of sadness, anger, bitterness, before I can accept the situation. I have been thru some tough things in my life and I just though that this one time, finally, I may have gotten what I wished and prayed for. So I feel like life has let me down yet again, is making me take the difficult road instead of the easy, happy one that some people seem to be oon effortlessly. I can imagine how people dealing with infertility must feel - life is sooooooo unfair sometimes.

I really hope that youre right and that when I meet this baby, I will love it instantly and a lot fo the GD will lift. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind I will adore this child. What scares me is the pain I may have to deal with for a long while when seeing baby/toddler girls, or hearing of friends or relatives having girls. I just know that's gonna hurt so much, and it's not like I can live in a bubble and eliminate all little girls from my sight.

My DH has been great, but I'm trying to make him understand that this sadness will not lift overnight for me, that it will be very gradual, will take time. He is open to a third child, yes, but personally, I'm just not sure I'm up to it. I'm already 36 and never imagined I could handle more than two kids... As for HT, from what I gathered reading a few threads here on In-Gender, the only less invasive and expensive option is Microsort in Mexico. Honestly, if their success rate was higher, I would consider it, but from what I read today, there's only about a 15% chance of getting pg with them. I saw only one mom on here get her DD that way and a lot just got BFNs... So I dunno. I'm not closing the door though so if anyone has more insight on this, I'd still be interested.

GreenZelda: if it's not too indiscrete, did HT work on the first try for you? How taxing was it on your body and mood? How much did it cost? Where in the US did you go? 

Photo girl where is Canada are u! I'm in Alberta . I have three boys and expected #4 baby unknown

Im i Alberta and have 4 kids too! Crazy.

 I'm in Quebec, which seems to be rare here!

Humm, when I see someone getting a girl only on their 4th try - it makes me happy for them, but sad for me because I know if I were in the same boat, I would never get the girl since I would never get to 4 kids...