How do you find the courage to try again?

We just lost our little boy.  I was 18 weeks when I found out but they said he passed away before that.  I think somewhere around 16 weeks or so.  He was very much alive at 15.5 weeks when we heard the heartbeat.  I told myself I wouldn't do this again.  I am 35 this month and wanted to be done with children.  This baby was my last for sure.  I wanted to move on from my baby making years.  Then he died and all I can think about is how badly I want him back.  I can't seem to move on.  So here I am contemplating trying again.  I feel like the only way I can get through this is to have another baby.  Still...I feel even if I do that it will be bittersweet because the baby won't be the baby I lost.  I don't know what to do.  How did you move on?  Did having another child help?  How did you find the courage to try again?  Was your pregnancy completely ridden with worry and doubt? 

Well, you already know how my after loss attempt turned out, but I am glad that I did get pregnant again.  I was terrified at the thought originally, but after the first week I was feeling better about it.  You're still really raw right now and if you're anything like me you'll have fleeting thoughts of "want baby now" coupled with "OMG.. I can never get pregnant again."  Once your hormones are all back to normal and time has passed you'll be able to think more clearly.  I felt the same way about turning 35 and wanting to be done.  I wish I had a happy "after loss pregnancy story" to share with you, but there are many of them here.  (((HUGS)))

I am so so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling after 3 losses in one year. My heart hurts for you. I think the only thing that has helped me move forward is God's grace and the passage of time. I have had 3 cycles since my m/c and I think we are ready to TTC again. My hormones have taken a while to adjust too and I finally feel like I am back to normal physically. Emotionally I will never be the same as you know. I know I will be nervous if I get pg again whether or not the baby will stick and the pg will last. That is just part of it. You are so raw right now. I understand completely when you say the only thing that will help is being pg again. Oh that is just so familiar. I have never felt so empty and raw in my ife those first few days after my m/c. It just is awful. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. Take the days ahead one minute at a time.

thank you. I am terrified to even try again. I do have an appt with a specialist to make sure everything is ok with me first. I am thinking of ttc again in April when my son would have been due. I think I NEED to try then. Just so I can get through that month. I don't know...it's really hard.....

I'm so sorry!!! Since my 23 week loss was my first baby, I had no other choice but to try again. I was so very Nervous with both of my subsequent pregnancies/births but I very much wanted to have at least two babies. I had a chemical in April 2008 and a 9.5 week m/c this past May but I still want to have another baby. It's all so raw and new to you. You'll see how you feel as time moves on. It's all so hard! Again, I'm so sorry!

ABC123:

I'm so sorry!!! Since my 23 week loss was my first baby, I had no other choice but to try again. I was so very Nervous with both of my subsequent pregnancies/births but I very much wanted to have at least two babies. I had a chemical in April 2008 and a 9.5 week m/c this past May but I still want to have another baby. It's all so raw and new to you. You'll see how you feel as time moves on. It's all so hard! Again, I'm so sorry!

Yes, I remember your story.  Back when you told me, I could never fully understand what exactly it felt like, but I know now.  You never really know what it's like until you go through it.  The pain is unbearable at times.  No one should ever have to go through this. 

I guess because I have 4 children I feel there is no "need"....but now a baby was taken from me and I want him back.  Very badly.  I feel so empty without him  I don't even care about gender anymore....I just want a baby.  A live baby.

So very sorry for your loss. I too suffered a loss, and like you said you can never imagine the heartache until unfortunately u go thru it. For me, my first 3 pregnancies were easily conceived and uneventful. Very easy, very lucky. When I unexpectedly suffered a miscarriage with my 4th pregnancy it was gutwrenching, i wanted nothing more than to go back from the hospital and hug my babies at home. I always knew how special they were, but this terrible experience made me realise how fragile life is and how miraculous all babies are. I did a lot of praying and fortunately found peace. I knew without doubt I wanted to fill the emptiness, and felt in my heart another little bub was out there waiting for me. I was 38 mind you, so no spring chicken. Was I scared to death of falling preg again...ABSOLUTELY!!! but knew many other women had been strong enuf to carry on. I fell preg not long after....worried like heck the whole time...but delivered a beautiful healthy bub just shy of my 39th birthday, to complete my family. So happy stories absolutely happen. Take care, continue to take one day at a time, and I am sure happy times are ahead! You are not alone in any of your thoughts, trust me!

Thanks for sharing your story. That really helps. All the posts are helping. It's a hard road...that's for sure. You really don't even know what to expect. I think if I do fall pregnant, it's not going to be an easy pregnancy at all. More like ridden with worry the whole time. That will be hard too. Thanks for the support....

im so sorry jojo. we lost our little girl at 22 weeks. she lived for 2 hours and fought so hard to stay with us. like you i was terrified to try again but my doctor told me the odds of it happening again were slim. i honestly didn't think i would be able to get pregnant again so quickly but i did. and yes i was so scared the entire time. you freak out until 12 weeks. then i was a mess until she was viable at 25 weeks. i understand how you feel and yes its scary but its so worth it now. my youngest daughter really is a rainbow baby. take all the time you need to grieve though. prayers for you and your family.

Jojo Im so sorry for your loss Our DS died from cot death in 2005. It was with out doubt the saddest, most difficult thing I have ever been through, but as time has passed I now know I can deal with anything and therefore I'm a stronger person. I thank our DS for what he has taught me and continues to show me as our lives move on. I knew within weeks that my empty arms needed and longed to hold a baby. We found comfort in TTC pretty soon after. Three months and BFNs seemed to last forever - I was 30 and I too thought our family complete after our 3rd child - I felt more incomplete then ever. Of course I thought I'd never get a BFP until 4 months after our loss. Yes it was emotional - that same morning the PostM report came through our letter box. I paid for early scans and could not fault our NHS care I had the same MW each visit and extra specialist appts I was nervous and we elected for a CS after 3 natural births as I had lost so much faith in my ability to carry and birth babies. We found out gender at 20wks I longed for a boy - but we were told DD (and she is amazing!) I did have a little GD which I felt I should keep secret as i should be grateful for a health child - which believe me - now also a MC later - I wouldn't change things for the world - but I'm just being honest here. Anyway, finding out helped and within a few weeks we named DD and began to buy for her - it made it real. Going through the first year was hard - DSs birthday - 5 days later mine - all I wanted was him - and delivery date 1 year and 1 week to the day that we lost him. I cried alot through my pregnancy - but I did have hope - I had a future - and so did my younger DD and DS(and Dp) When DD was delivered we all cried, and she cried real tears for 24 hours - she wouldn't settle. I felt like it was her way of shedding the grief she felt inside. And from then on we bonded like nothing else. My little ray of sunshine The first 6 weeks were worrying - the first year really - but we took the support from family and friends and we survived. I truly think it was the best thing we could have done. Since dd we have had another dd - that pregnancy was more worrying as IUGR - again a slight longing for DS but a beautiful Dd is what we are blessed with. Then wanting just to complete the family - a nice straight fwd pregnancy - turned into a MMC - but I remember the hope that DS2 has given me and at 35 concieved 2 weeks after MC - fate ?!? This pregnancy has been far from easy - I nursed and lost my father to cancer between 16-20 weeks, baby again is very small and we are monitored for iugr and on alert for an early CS - I still have a little GD disappointment (dare I admit) as although this time team team yellow my head tells me I won't mother a son again - but I know I will fall in love the second I nurse my DD (or DS!) soon. Yes the road is long and rocky - but they're is always hope and although at times it may not feel like it - theres reason - our angels were never here in vain Much love to you and your family XxxxX Jo XxxxX

Hi jojogirl, I'm sorry for your loss.  I too suffered a loss but at around 10 weeks.  We tried again right away because we felt it will help us.  And now I'm 20 weeks along and I have to admit, I still worry that everything will go wrong.  I no longer have the luxury of taking pregnancies and deliveries for granted. My first two daughters were both so easy to carry and deliver, I just assumed nothing will go wrong before the m/c. With this baby, I just feel like, wow, bad luck can happen to me.  And it worries me that I won't be getting anymore ultrasounds from this point on (unless it's medically indicated) and so I would have no idea if everything will be truly okay until she is born.  I'm sorry, I hope what I wrote didn't scare you more, it is truly how I feel but I wrote because I want to tell you that even though I'm scared, having her inside me really helped me feel complete again.  After our m/c, I knew I had to try again.  So I hope you will find the courage to do what your heart desires. 

I am so very sorry for you rloss and wish I had a happy end story to tell you. I lost my baby girl (Sophie) at 22 weeks in May 2010, she was alive when she was born but died a few seconds later because she couldn't get air. The placenta came loose and my water broke so she had to be born. Since than I have never been the same, there's always something holding me back from absolute joy and happiness. I will never be as happy and joyfull as I was before I lost her. A part of me died with her ..............

After Sophie I was pregnant 2 times but miscarried both babies .............. Now we are still trying to get pregnant again, but no luck so far. I'm 33 now and we would like to keep trying until I'm But than again 35. 35, 36 or 37 what's the difference ........

I wish you the very best and hope you will have a happy and healthy pregnancy soon!

Big HUGSSS

 

Saxophonic:

Well, you already know how my after loss attempt turned out, but I am glad that I did get pregnant again.  I was terrified at the thought originally, but after the first week I was feeling better about it.  You're still really raw right now and if you're anything like me you'll have fleeting thoughts of "want baby now" coupled with "OMG.. I can never get pregnant again."  Once your hormones are all back to normal and time has passed you'll be able to think more clearly.  I felt the same way about turning 35 and wanting to be done.  I wish I had a happy "after loss pregnancy story" to share with you, but there are many of them here.  (((HUGS)))

 

This is really hard to hear about you. Do get well soon. 

I just lost my son 3wks ago at 17w 5d and since then I have been CONSUMED with the thought of being pregnant again. I know it sounds insane after going through what I have but I now have a massive hole in my heart that, while I know another child will never FULLY replace, but at least make the hole somewhat smaller.