So yesterday i had a gender scan at 16+5 weeks. Where i was told he was 80% sure i was having my 4th boy!!
If i don't think about it then im fine, but i find myself thinking about more then i dont. Im almost out of tears. I hate myself for feeling this way, and i feel so sorry for my poor little baby boy. It's not that i hate him for being a him, i love him with all my heart. But why couldn't he have been a she. It's not even the fact that his a boy, it's the fact that im most likely NEVER going to have that daughter.
My cousin who lives over the road from me had her little girl today, im really happy for her. I went out to get a gift for the baby. As i was looking at all the beautiful summer dresses, i started to cry that i should be buying them for my baby. I turned to see the boys section, i hate boys clothes so much!! In the end i couldn't bring myself to buy anything for my cousins baby. How selfish am i?
I just feel really crap, and a terrible mother. All i do is cry and OH thinks i blame him, but i honestly dont!! Nothing good ever happens to us. What a really hard dumb by thing to say. Cause i know im luckier then some people. I am so greatful to have 4 healthy and beautiful sons, but it doesn't stop the hurt.
All im hearing at the minute is 'never mind, theres nothing wrong with 4 boys', 'you should count yourself lucky', 'i dont know why you went in for another, you must of know it would be another boy', 'healthy is all that matters', 'you should never say your dissapointed, your being very silly'.
There probably right, but i can't help the way i feel. I wish i didn't want a girl but i do!! I cant wait to meet my son, and i know i'll love him with all my heart. But the need for a girl is never going to leave me, but when do you stop, when do you tell your self that enough is enough. It's never going to happen?? Im already begging OH to try one more time. I really hate myself right now!!