I need some advice.

DH is leaving for Afghanistan the beginning af January for 15 months.  The last deployment he came home on leave just after the halfway mark and it made it so much easier knowing that when he got back to Iraq that we were on the downhill side.  Well, he told me last night he wants to come home for the baby's birth in May.  I don't want to take that away from him, but he most likely wont be able to make it here for the birth anyway.  We would just have to schedule his leave and see what happens.  When I first found out I was preg, he said, "oh, now I need to change my leave to May then."  I told him no, he didn't need to change it.  It would be fine. 

Maybe this is just selfish of me, but the only time I will be able to be with my husband for 15 months, I don't want to be recovering from childbirth!  Also, It would suck to see him after only a few months and then have to go an entire year without seeing him.

I was thinking if he came home in August or September, that would be around the halfway mark of the 15 months, and the baby would still be little, but more attentive, and more able to interact with him.  I understand that he wants to see the baby right away, but when they are first born all they do is sleep, so I thought it would be more fun for him when the baby is a little older.

I am willing to compromise and I guess if he wants to come home sooner than that, fine.  But I don't want him to come home in May.  I would be more willing to accept the end of June/beginning of July.

I will record the birth for him.  i know they let them call and be on the phone when the baby is born.  Of course the timing of that can be difficult as well.  I plan on sending him DVD's of the baby and taking tons of pictures.  I know its not the same as being there, but he is a soldier and he's not the only one that will be dealing with this.

Am I being harsh?  What should I do?  Please help!  I am so torn.

TIA

 Gosh when I complain about DH always being underfoot I forget about moms like you who have DH's off for months at a time.  (((((HUGS))))) Has your DH been around for the other births?  I think it's sweet that he wants to be there for you.  My DH would prefer to be out of town. LOL  I think your feelings are true too.  Maybe explain to him that it's easier for you and the kids to mark the halfway point and that is really important to you?  GL

I see your point.  I think you need to tell him to do what you feel comfortable with.  If you want him to wait and come home when the baby is a bit older then that is what you should do.  I personally would want my hubby home with me for the birth....but that is me.  I just wouldn't want to go through it without him...kwim??  It is true they won't really be doing anything at the newborn stage and might be a bit more fun when baby is older.  I don't think you are being harsh...but really feel the waters and see how much this means to your dh.  If he really wants to be there for the birth, I would let him have that.  If he wants to be there but isn't making a big deal about it all the time then I would try to sell him on your idea to make you happy. 

I think that it is very important for him to be there. I have read alot about how the bonding of a father with a child happens in the first 30 minutes of birth. It may not seem really eventful. But for the fact that he can be there for the first few moments of "her" life, will be something that he will never forget. I would support his decision to be there and cherish every moment of being able to be together as a whole family. I just couldnt imaging being away and knowing that you have a child in this world that you havent seen. Like it is said, "We take advantage of tommorrow. But tommorrow may never come."

Okay..I had to deal with this my last pregnancy, and I asked DH to wait till later to come home.  I had already given birth alone and knew I could do it again and to be honest, like you said, I didn't want to be recovering the whole time he was home..My DH came home 8 weeks after our son was born and it was wonderful.  He was understanding but I had to promise to have another baby so he could see that birth ;)  So do what you feel comfortable with.. Talk to him about it..I hope it works out for you!!!! 

I really feel for you ladies out there who have husbands overseas.  I know, personality-wise, that I could never deal with a marriage like that, especially having to take care of children too.  I give you women so much credit!!!

Personally, I think it would be helpful to have DH at home after giving birth.  He can help around the house and with the other kid(s).  Unless, of course, you are lucky to have your mom or a friend help out.  I couldn't imagine having to take care of a family by myself (and a newborn) after coming home from the hospital.  But of course, I've had 2 c-sections and could barely move out of the chair the following week.

I also agree with the pp about the first 30-minutes of bonding time.  I remember how mad I was at my co-worker for calling the hospital.  I had just come out of surgery and was with my family for the first time.  DH felt obliged to talk to her on the phone from across the room for like 10 minutes!  I think he completely missed out on the bonding experience thanks to her and believe it or not, he and DH are not very close to this day.  For DS2 I made sure to let hospital staff know that I did not want any phone calls coming to the room.

Just my

Thanks for the replies so far!  Just thought I would add that my sil will be coming a few days before my due date and staying at least a month.  She will be with me in the delivery room also.  And friends from church will be taking care of the kids.

Thank you for mentioning the comments about dad bonding, I didn't think about that.  Yes, he has been there for all the other births.

i can totally see your side! the longest DH was deployed was for 7 months so he never came home for leave. but i absolutely understand that you want to split up your time with him away into equal sections so you have something to look forward to. can you talk to DH and explain to him why it is so important that he wait a few months before seeing the baby? it sounds like what erin did really worked out well for them. maybe if you give him a "for example" senario he would be more open to it? i think mentioning that you could have sex if he comes later would be a big selling point for him too!!! GL!!!

oneadorableboy:

i can totally see your side! the longest DH was deployed was for 7 months so he never came home for leave. but i absolutely understand that you want to split up your time with him away into equal sections so you have something to look forward to. can you talk to DH and explain to him why it is so important that he wait a few months before seeing the baby? it sounds like what erin did really worked out well for them. maybe if you give him a "for example" senario he would be more open to it? i think mentioning that you could have sex if he comes later would be a big selling point for him too!!! GL!!!

LMAO!! That was actually my winning point and the whole reason I wanted my dh to wait...It had been TOO long!! ;)