one twin more difficult than the other?

i have 3 1/2 yr old twin boys and have always found one to be more difficult than the other. i find ryan (twin1) to be the easier one of the two but he is also the leader and often tells max (twin2) the harder of the pair of them what to do. i dont like to compare them but there is an obvious behaviour difference between the two. max can be violent sometimes almost to get a reaction, he can be difficult about routine and if something breaks his routine or something happens that shouldnt he gets very distraught. he often will cry or have a tantrum for no reason and i sometimes at my wits end with him being so difficult about what to me seems such a silly thing, such as he has a v pillow that must be a certain side if its not he will cry and get upset, he must have his velcro straps on his shoes out of the bit you put them through when he puts his shoes on or he will will not put his shoes on and will remove them if i manage to get them on his feet and want them redone to his way.

is this normal for one to be more dependant on structure and routine almost have rituals for everything than the other. or is this normal behaviour if he was a singleton. i dont want to think of him as the naughtier of the two. my friends with children of the same age (singleton) children dont have children so needy on routine.

bumping up for you!

yes! my twin A is 10 x more difficult then my twin B and she is a SN child too! Charlotte has temper tantrums that rivals any 2 yr old

Have you read "Raising Your Spirited Child" ??  I have a DS that is very sensitive to his routine, clothes, shy etc. He was a very difficult little one but now at 11 he's a great kid.  Once we learned to help him cope with his sensitivities he got a lot better.  Having a twin brother would have driven him crazy.  

All 4 of my kids are really different.  My twin girls are only 2 but they have opposite personalities sometimes.  

thankyou for all your replies.

ready4pink - im going to try and get a copy of that book.

i spoke to my health visitor who said he must be less disciplined than his brother???? i treat them equally and max is often told off more times in a day than his brother. health visitor has had no experience with twins so she did say it could be normal but felt i need to be stricter on him and not let him get away with his rituals, though i dont think that is the way forward i tried saying no and getting him to stop doing these little things but it made him ten times worse. im going to arrange a meeting with his peadiatrician to see if she can suggest anything though she is very unhelpful normally and always forgets why we have gone to see her after ten mins of explaining why an appointment had be arranged.

I hope you don't mind me responding. I have a DS who is very much about routine and things being certain ways, lots of melt downs etc. Not really violent unless he is in a situation where he can't express himself or is afraid/upset etc. He has sensory problems (ie sensory processing disorder). Is your son sensitive to other things such as touch, sound etc? Just wanted to throw this out there as DS was 51/2 before anyone knew what was going on and was able to help. He was also thrown in the 'needs more discipline' etc basket. DS goes to an OT which has helped immensely. Not knowing what was going on was hard and nobody ever seemed to have answers that helped (and being tougher/stricter did not work either!). GL, hope your Paed can offer some assistance and if she can't and you are still concerned keep going until you find someone who can help you.

thankyou for your reply chooks**boys

yes he is very sensitive to sound gets very upset by loud or sudden noises, he gets upset by the hoover and washing machine. like i said he has a v pillow that he refuses to allow me to put a cover on as he likes the feel of wear it has bobbled from being washed (which i have to do when he is asleep as he will become angry and upset it is not there to touch).  

Hi

 Just wanted to offer hugs and let you know that I have been there!  It is SO hard to have one twin need so much and take so much more of your time.  My twins were the same way.  At times, I felt that my more challenging twin took 90% of my time.  It was exhausting...not just the work with one twin, but the guilt I felt from not spending as much time as I wanted with the others.

My twins are now 6 1/2yr and things are much easier for us.  At the beginning of kindergarten, my more 'difficult' twin was diagnosed with sensory issues (we knew he had some of these problems, but weren't aware how difficult it was for him) and ADHD.  For years, we had struggled with tantrums, rages, odd little 'quirks'...related to the sensory stuff, discipline issues...you name it.  My son was impulsive, aggressive, but not cruel or mean hearted.  Still, he was labeled "trouble" at preschool and lots of other moms claimed I "just didn't discipline my child".  It was heartbreaking!  Getting the diagnosis allowed us to understand him more and understand that much of the time, he simply cannot control himself.

I am not saying this is why your child struggles with adhd as my child does, but the behaviors sound similar.  If you want to hear more about our journey, please feel free to PM me.  I wish you the best of luck with your child.

My twins are the same too!

One of them is so loud, and bosses the otherone around, grabs the toy he wants and the second one just puts up with it.

Its not in any way of parenting, I think theres just mostly a louder twin, and the other doesnt get heard as much. Mine are so different in every way. The second one has been labelled autistic by docs, but I am still unsure about the diagnosis. I think he may just be a slower talker, quieter boy, but also much rougher, since hes had to put up with his brother lol. We'll see I guess in a few years time. 

My boys are also 3 1/2. 

Hi there, just read your post from June!  Anyway, I do not want to freak you out or anything, but as another poster said, you might want to have your son checked out for autism.  He seems to be a lot like my son was at that age, with the rituals and the sound issue. 

As I said I don't want to freak you out, but he does seem to be exhibiting some of the signs of autism.  I might add that my 'naughty' son is now five and doing extremely well, is verbal, and will be starting kindergarten in September.

Good luck!!