Having a tough time (not sure where to post this....)

I hate to write this post as I am ashamed of what it says.  But here goes...

I am expecting baby number 6 in Feb.  My 4 younger boys are so excited.  My 9 year old is soooooo sweet and cute.  He decided to give himself some chores so I could sit a rest.  I had a glass of Lemonade the other day and he asked 'Are you allowed to drink that?  How do you know baby likes the fizz?'  LOL.  He also offered to come with me when I have the baby so he can hold my hand and try and make me feel better.  He is so lovely.

My eldest son (he is 20) however is being so horrible.  I find myself reduced to tears most days by his nasty comments.  He says I am selfish having another 'kid' and that I should be satisfied with the ones I have.  He says all I want to do is keep having 'kids' with no thought for anyone else.  He says I should have gotten rid of it.  He says he hates me for being so selfish and that he can't bear to look at me. 

I try not to take any notice but day after day of listening to him just makes me so sad and down.  He says it is not normal having so many kids. I have started to question myself now - asking am I being unfair to my children?  I feel my baby kicking away and it makes me cry that someone can be so horrible about him.

I am ashamed of the things that comes out of my own sons mouth.  Where did I go wrong?

Sorry. I know it is hard for you. Maybe something else is upseting him and he will get better. Just think how great your other boys are . It really is none of his business how many kids you have. Just tell him it was your husbands and your choice.  What does you DH say?

Maybe he has his own issues and feels better taking them out on you, you are not selfish, your other kids sound lovely, he is 20 and is old enough to decide to be horrible, does he live with you? I would tell him to buck up his ideas or get out, noone should have to hear what he tells you, or you could write him a heartfelt letter telling him how much you love him, maybe he feels left out, although at 20 he should be getting his own house and life not commenting on yours. Have 20 kids, if you love them and can feed them. My step son, told me if me and dh had one it would be disabled, but he is a nice boy really (15years) thats just his mum talking and kids need to learn they dont always come first, thats life!

 I think there's other things bothering him.

Does he have a girlfriend, and own place? Or is he single, living with you, and haven't really started life yet? I'm not trying to be rude with this next statement, just a perspective I notice when I think about my age and the idea of my mom still trying to have kids...but maybe he's just frustrated and left wondering when he'll be able to start his own family, without having a sibling younger then his own child? He's 20, and if he's in a relationship and trying to start off his life, he may very well feel like he can't and might find it awkward having children had a family when he's got a newborn sibling? I'm not saying that what you're doing is wrong, because it's not. 6 kids is not a lot, and his comments are just beyond me- way too much, and quite frankly very rude...he's got zero excuse for those statements. Perhaps he's just having a hard time coping with it though. I would feel a bit weird if my mom had another baby when I have my 2nd on the way, and she's only 39 years old so it's not like she's too old to have another.. it would just be a bit unusual and hard thinking that my little brother and sister are younger then my own kids... I wouldn't say those comments though because it'd be my moms life, not mine, and ultimately that's what means the most. It's her choices, it's not like I have to live with her and deal with it. Perhaps some one on one talks are needed though. Figure out why he's being so harsh? 

 

Congrats on the little one though, and how wonderful to have the other kids being so wonderful and happy with it! That means a lot. You should never feel like this baby is a mistake though, if it's wanted and loved and can be taken care of- wonderful! Don't doubt yourself. There's no reason for that.

Chances are there are other things bothering him.   Is there a big age gap between him and his younger brothers?

I know that as the oldest, I was pretty bitter when my mom had her fifth kid.  I grew up at a really young age, and spent a most of my childhood helping out with the younger ones.  I was so mad at my mom when she had my little sister... I didn't want yet another sibling to feel responsible for.   Not saying that is what he is feeling, just giving you another perspective.

He could also be feeling left out, or like he doesn't get enough time with you.  It would be lots of things...you should talk to him.

I would take him out and spend a day with him.  Don't talk about home or the new baby on the way.  Just spend time with each other.  At the end of the day, then I would try to talk to him about his feelings, and ask him why the thought of a new sibling has him so upset.  If he keeps up the comments though, make sure he knows that is NOT okay.  He is old enough to start making his own way in life, and is old enough to know better than to say things like this.   

Don't doubt yourself for a second.  You love all your children, and six is not a lot, and you are not selfish for wanting a big family!   

Thank you for all your comments.

He was 7 when his first brother was born (Hannah arrived and died in between) so there is quite a big age gap.  He was always totally spoilt.  When Hannah died I could never say No to him.  I kept thinking 'What if he died too and I never him have/go (whatever it was he was after)?'  It didn't matter what it was.  I know it was a totally irrational thing to think but if he asked for something he got it.  If he was naughty I would tell him things like 'You are not going to nanny's now' and then back down when he pleeded.  He has never really handled me saying no to him because of this.  Even at his age now. 

He still lives with us but has very little time for any of his brothers.  He used to be okay with them until he hit his teenage years.  Then they were to young to be 'cool' or want to be around. 

 He works hard - being in the same job for over 2 years.  He is quite sporty and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years.  But he really does act like a spoilt only child (my own fault I know).

lovingmybabies:

I am ashamed of the things that comes out of my own sons mouth.  Where did I go wrong?

You went wrong by allowing him to say these things to you. I have a 23 and 20 yr old and while they do not understand why we want to have more, they have enough respect that they would not say disrespectful things. You can very quietly and calmly tell him that his words hurt you and that if he truly feels the way he does, then he is old enough to leave the house until he can be supportive.

Sorry, but at 20, he can live on his own. It is NOT fair to you, the othe children or this new precious baby to have his stress and upset you like this.

Huge hugs to you. Remember that 'this too shall pass" and once he sees his new brother he will fall in love with him :)

I am sorry if it offends people but I think he is a selfish spoiled brat to act that way toward you. You know your world doesn't revolve around him, there are other children to think of. It's time he get a reality check and maybe get his own place. You are absolutely NOT selfish to have another child. I totally understand why it's hard, after losing your beloved daughter, you can't just give up on the dream of having one once again. It's not his business and he is still too young and inmature and SELF ABSORBED to even wrap his mind around what you have been through in your life. Maybe, maybe and that's a big fat maybe, when he is in his 30s and can begin to grasp what you have been through emotionally, but not now. I get fed up hearing whiney ass young people complain because mommy and daddy decided to add to the family and they feel like their parents are too old. Well, grow up and move out I say, it's not your business. It's one thing if you were expecting that kid to do most of the raising of the new one, but just to be selfish in that, my mommy is old enough to be a grandma so she doesn't need more kids is total BS! I mean just because someone can be a grandma in their 30s because girly forgets a pill (and you know they do) or because he thinks it feels better without a condom, doesn't mean that that is the natural order of things. Years ago women had many children well into their 40s and their kids would have never even considered REPREMANDING them for their choice. Something went real screwy along the way. I say, if you are a good mother, loving, caring, and can afford to put food on the table its no one's business how many kids you have. I think you are wonderful, this child will think you are wonderful, and they will all grow up knowing that you loved each and every one of them. If you have 10 kids, they will all love you, even if the oldest ungrateful smug one has to take a while to catch on to that little fact. I am sure the rest of your boys are just wonderful. Please don't second guess yourself because of something someone who has yet to know anything about anything says. Many hugs and lots of support sent your way. And I am sorry that I am going off like this, it really burned me up to read this, and I take it to heart as an older mom. And just for ppl's information who are against older moms, I'll be a great mom! I am the cool aunt that gets the call in the middle of the night to handle problems that can't be taken to the parents. I am the cool friend's mom who they can talk to and get good useful advice from. I will be a cool mom with the girl because I know when to be there for her and when to let her have her space. Age is a number filled into an info form, not and indicator of your coolness. I know a couple of young moms who are going to wind up with pregnant daughters because they are narrow minded twits who think they are going to be able to control them instead of educating them. Anyway, sorry for the long post. Probably more than you really wanted, I think this is the harshest post I've ever made.

Wow, you are not being selfish-it is a big sacrifice to have children and all the things you go through. I would ask him what makes him feel that way-does he feel too much responsibility is on the younger ones? Or that not enough attention and time is spent with them? He needs to buck up-he is an adult. Does he live with you? I don't think it is a bad thing for the younger kids to learn to help out and think of others. I just wouldn't put more on them than is reasonable.

My mom had her last two when I was 10 and 11. She also had a c-section, then surgery for ovarian CA after her last. So I did a lot of diaper changing and childcare. I do feel there were times when she used our help a little much-but she had a lot going on-marriage issues, health, etc. a lot on her plate.

Your son should not be talking like that. Don't feel you went wrong, society does not value children or large families and it is hard to find a balance for it all. It is totally ok to have the children you do-otherwise our bodies would stop. We just need to chose to add to our families carefully and prudently. I have felt the need to spend more time with my older two and make the effort.
We have "sleepovers" on the weekend, and cuddle on the couch at night to catch up on their  day. Family meals etc.

I want to Thank each and every one of you for commenting and offering your support.

soulfire76 - every word you wrote is true - and it is pretty much the same as what came out of my mothers mouth.  She gets so angry when she sees how upset he makes me.  I work hard to create a happy & fulfilled life for my children - and to be honest it totally sucks to have someone who I have always devoted so much time, effort and love to, to turn around and speak to me like this. If he doesn't like the fact that we have a large family then he knows where to door is. 

I would never dream of speaking to my parents the way he does - even now at my age.  And I will not let him hurt me anymore.  I deserve better.

Thanks ladies for letting me get everything off my chest.  I feel so much better and more positive.

Glad you are feeling better. And just another note, after my hubby read this post he made the comment that a grown child who lives at home and still relies on his parents for things has no right using the word Selfish unless talking about himself. He thinks your husband should set him straight. My hubby is 5'6 and our son is 6'3 but he said if he had to he would get a step ladder out to get right up in his face about what he will and won't tolerate out of him. He would never let our son treat me like that, not that he would he's a wonderful kid, but that's my hubby's 2 cents worth on the subject.

 HUGS!  I'm sorry he is being that way but I think what you need is a "talk" with him.  Heart to heart.  Take a walk, a drive.. just do SOMETHING.. and then start talking.  Tell him how it felt when you had Hannah and then lost her and how you reacted... sure you may cry.. but it may make him soften up and truly listen.. his defensiveness needs to be broken down so you can "reach" him.  Touch him, pat him.. just show him you really love him and that you are hurt by what he is saying to you. Tell him you're sorry that you made a decision that is hurting him and that all you ever wanted was to make your children happy and healthy and that you got so much out of raising the kids you already had, you didn't want to stop with the last one.. you know, raise some good people!

Once you open up to your teen and show him you're vulnerable, human, ashamed, scared, imperfect.. you know, all the things THEY feel... you become more approachable.  Maybe he can finally tell you what's on his mind.  A good connection like that can really improve a relationship. In the end, maybe give him a "token" that will show him that no matter how many kids you have and no matter how big he gets, he's still incredibly special to you.  Nothing expensive.. maybe something disposable like a...something he likes to eat.. a treat,  Idk.. it can be something you give him anytime you need him to remember what he means to you and remind him that you're a human, you hurt and you need his support and approval too.  He's old enough now that you two could be actual friends (with boundaries and respect) and it's oka to "need" him and need his approval.  Keep your chin up, he's not completely hopeless.. just a little immature and scared.  

My oldest son is about to be 20yrs old and my second son is only 8yrs old. There is 11yrs between them. Guess who told him I was pg with #6???? My mother.... I am ashamed that MY child had so much control and guilt over my life that I had to get my mom to tell him I was having another baby. It isn't like he is going without??? HE ISN"T. He by far gets the MOST out of all my kids (being that he was the only child for 11yrs it is hard not to give alot more than his younger brothers who always had a younger sibling)

He is very jealous of my younger children, always resentful. He is also a spoilt brat who had my attention all to his own for many many yrs. I adored that boy, wanted another child badly but it didn't happen... I thought he was it... and I tell you I was greatful I had him. BUT he was out of line to ever make me HIS MOTHER feel bad for having another child. That is not a child's decission that is an adult one... between husband and wife... not child, no matter what the age that child is. As a nearly 20yr old you having another child isn't going to affect him that much since he is nearly out of the house.

I feel ashamed now that I had my mother tell him I was pg with #6. When did my child become the ruler in my home. He doesn't like it... he can get out. Honestly at this age the raising of a child is done. I love him, but he is not the ruler of the house.

That said I am still riddled with guilt all the time. because I do love him and see him always as my sweet little boy.... grrrr parenting is so freaking hard.... I swear if I would have known how hard it got when they actually were older than 7yrs old......

I just wanted to send you hugs!  You son needs to grow up as well as show you some respect.  He has no reason to treat you that way.  I would tell him to get out of my house and don't give in (easier said than done, I know ).  I am so sorry your son speaks to you in that way.  You have every right to have as many children as you want and he is being disrespectful and bratty to say anything about it.

BTW your 9 year old is a gem!