Feeling horribly disappointed about gender: Updated

I have been searching for articles on gender disappointment but all the articles I seem to read make me feel worse. Most of them seem to be about mothers who wanted a daughter and got a son. I really wanted a son but I am carrying a girl. Now I can't seem to make myself eat and I don't really want to be pregnant. I feel like a terrible person but I have even started to discuss adoption with my husband hoping he would let me try again. (He has said this is the last baby and he is getting fixed after the birth)

I know my family is very happy as they all wanted a girl. I am unable to share the feeling and I don't feel like I can tell them how I feel about this baby. I am so depressed I don't feel like doing anything. I actually had a dream about the baby dying so I could try for a boy. I didn't even feel sad about that thought. I don't want to buy anything and I don't want to tell people I'm pregnant or what I'm having because I hate hearing "congratulations"  This doesn't feel like something to celebrate.

Does anyone know how to get over these feelings? I know people say I will love this child after it's born, but what if I don't? I already resent this child so much. Any ideas?

 Emillie

P.S. I have discussed my gender disappointment with my husband and he has said that since he was never crazy about having a fourth child and I don't want a girl then we can look into adopting the child out to someone else but we will not be trying for any more children. Please tell me this isn't completely crazy. Thanks.

 Oh hon, you are not a bad person for feeling like this and I really have every sympathy with you. Have you thought about counselling? I am defo going to start sessions if i get preggo again as i dont want to go through the pain of how i felt last time. 

 I know a girl who desperately wanted a little boy and couldn't understand the want for girls-I am pleased for her she got her boy but the anxiety she went through was awful and she did say she felt so shut out as no woman could understand her wish for a boy not a girl. 

I can quite safely say if I already had a girl I would be trying for a boy and would be disappointed witha second girl-I understand the love and wish for boys and can totally see why some woman want them so desperately.

I am so sure that when your lovely baby comes into this world you will love her with all your heart. Until then be honest with how you feel, explore your feelings no matter how wrong they feel to you...Your not alone, all my love, Hope you feel better soon xxx

 Hi,

I feel exactly the same apart from I wanted a girl and have no plans to adopt my boy ( although currently considering much worse for next pregnancy if it turns out to be a third boy[:'(]), Also despite now being 24 weeks pregnant I am yet to mention the fact I am even pregnant to my friends and dress to hide my bump at all times. 

I can't help but wanted to let you know you are not alone in this big black pit.

If you fancy a swap let me know as I would love a girl

English Rose:

If you fancy a swap let me know as I would love a girl

I will also be willing to trade!

The only friends who I discussed my GD with in real life both desperately wanted boys and ended up with a girl.  They both feel, and I agree, that it gets better as you get further in the pregnancy.  I try to find things about boys that I find charming.  Maybe you can do the same for your girl.  You might luck out and she'll be a tom-boy!  p.s. I'd still trade because I would just about kill for a tom-boy!  I don't want a girly girl!

I would take a long time to think seriously about adoption. Of course it is an option and a wonderful gift to give a child to another family but you have to think about your own feelings. GD combined with the normal pregnancy hormones will definitely fog your judgement and you should give yourself time to get adjusted to changing your perception of being a mum (to a little girl rather than little boy). You might start to feel differently in a few weeks and you shouldn't commit yourself to anything definite, maybe just start to look into adoption as a possible route. I really think you might feel differently when the baby is born and I would absolutely hate for you to feel trapped and that you had to commit to an earlier decision made at a time of sadness. I am not meaning to sound judgemental at all because I did suffer from some initial GD when I found out this baby (my second) was a boy and all kinds of horrible awful thoughts crossed my mind (not that adoption is a horrible awful thought but you can probably imagine some of the things I was thinking). Less than a week on I couldn't believe how I had felt and am now (at 28 weeks) just so excited to meet my baby. Please take some real time out to think about things and weigh up all the different options available to you. You don't need to make any decisions right now. Hugs hun.

You mention that you have 3 children already? Are they all girls? I'm just curious as to why you don't want this girl. I would also gladly trade with you since I'm having a ds and badly wanted another dd. I also agree I would consider adoption very carefully. You're married and a mom already and can provide for this child; adopting her out seems extreme. I'm not judging, but I think you should take the time to think through it when you're less hormonal.

I have to agree with the last few posters- think hard about adoption, it really is a permanent choice for a temporary problem. I know you hurt now but you will love that little girl when she is placed in your arms! Please please don't do it.

 I'm also devastated in the very same way only I want a girl, I already have 3 girls and have no desire for a "mommy's boy" I wish we could trade, and if god planted babies around the same time why didn't he give you the boy and me the girl you know? I'm sick, I too cannot eat. I'm disgusted by the kicks I just want it all to go away. I wish I could give the baby up for adoption but it would hurt my other children. I cannot hide my dissapointment and cannot stand people to congratulate me. There is nothing to celebrate. Things were already tough in my house and had tried so hard to keep a positive attitude which I can no longer uphold. And I also beat myself up for feeling this way, why don't I want a boy? Its still my child why don't I want it...but I don't, this is also my fourth and last and I know I don't get another chance. Its just all so awful. 

I can totally understand GD but I just want to say I hope all those mums scared of having boys will change their minds when they see their little guys. I am expecting my second son, my first is 2 and a half, and he is absolutely gorgeous. I know it is difficult sometimes to adjust to your reality when we all have ideas of our 'dream family' but I honestly think that boy or girl, these are going to be our gorgeous children and we will fall instantly and impossibly in love with them when they arrive.

For those that are really struggling with GD during pregnancy to the point of making themselves ill, perhaps seeing a councillor would help? Pregnancy is a difficult enough time without anything making it harder and it is important to try and come to terms with these feelings before the baby is born (because we all know how difficult the post-natal period is anyway without anything adding to that hormonal madness/sadness). Hugs to all the ladies going through GD and I really hope it eases off soon.

SoulDancer:

P.S. I have discussed my gender disappointment with my husband and he has said that since he was never crazy about having a fourth child and I don't want a girl then we can look into adopting the child out to someone else but we will not be trying for any more children. Please tell me this isn't completely crazy. Thanks.

It is a loving thing to do! You are giving someone else a chance to have a baby.

 Ohhhh, I wish I could adopt her.

 I'm also considering giving this boy up for adoption. My problem is how to explain or even expect my older children to understand that? How old are your older children?  People keep telling me I'll love the boy too, and I just like you already resent him so much. His kicks make me angry inside all I do is cry. What if I don't love it when it gets here? Thats not fair and you can't force it, if I could I wouldn't feel like this to begin with. 

 You don't know that the love will come instantly, but don't you owe it to your son to just try for him? I'm not saying that adoption isn't a wonderful gift but is it the right decision to make when you are so hormonal due to pregnancy and basing that decision purely on gender? I don't know, I'm not trying to start a debate at all and I fully realise how powerful and painful GD can be. I don't think your older children would understand, I'm not sure how you could explain GD to them as it is hard enough to explain it to other women and men who do not suffer, and that is something you would really have to consider. Why not wait a bit and see how you feel? Adoption is not a decision that needs to be made overnight. I'm sure a lot of these feelings are due to the general swirl of hormones that pregnancy produces (I know I'm like a bitch from hell most of the time these days lol) and made they will subside a bit once baby is born. I really hope everyone starts to feel better. I wish there was a magic wand to fix this. Hugs x