Life after Gender Desire..my story

Hello. I have been meaning to post this for a while. My story is just to reassure some of the moms out there wanting the opposite. For me, I always wanted a daughter, mainly because I am so close to my own mother. Pink frilly stuff doesn't interest me. Anyways, I had 1, then2 boys, and I was so depressed that, even though I adore my sons, I wouldn't get to experience a raising a girl. Anyways, we had an oops baby that we kind of swayed for, and it turns out that it's a girl. I cried at my u/s I was so happy. I planned for her and chose her name. On July 7, she was born, healthy and beautiful. Now, with life as hectic as it is (my sons are 3 and 15 months, my daughter is 3 months) I am struggling to juggle it all (I'm writing this as it's nap time for 2 out of 3 kids). Anyways, what I wanted to say is that: I don't love my girl any more or feel more protective of her. The love I have for her is the exact equal as I feel for my sons. While I am very happy to have her, it really feels NO DIFFERENT. My family is not "complete" in this fairy tale sense that I think is perpetuated if you have both genders. My Dh and I still struggle in our marriage. Our home is still WAAAAY too small for us, we have 1, unreliable vehicle, I am currently not working and going crazy b/c of it, and my DD is awesome, yes, but also colicky and never sleeps. What I'm trying to say is life doesn't become perfect and awesome when you get the desired gender. Heck, I might end up closer to my sons someday, as my DD adores my husband and is most content when he holds her, lol.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the love is, at the end of the day, the same across the board. We feel endless love for our kids becuase they are OUR kids, no matter what the flavor. And I know gender desire and disappointment is real, and can be hard to cope with, but all that really matters is that our kids are our's and that is a love that leaves NOTHING to desire about.

 Beautifully put Rein&Sonshines, I totally agree with you, it is just lovely to the little boy or girl you so dreamed about, but real life and its struggles does go on. And I too have come to learn the love I have for my DC is whole hearted and huge, no matter the gender. 

Rein&Sonshines:

While I am very happy to have her, it really feels NO DIFFERENT. My family is not "complete" in this fairy tale sense that I think is perpetuated if you have both genders. My Dh and I still struggle in our marriage. Our home is still WAAAAY too small for us, we have 1, unreliable vehicle, I am currently not working and going crazy b/c of it, and my DD is awesome, yes, but also colicky and never sleeps. What I'm trying to say is life doesn't become perfect and awesome when you get the desired gender. Heck, I might end up closer to my sons someday, as my DD adores my husband and is most content when he holds her, lol.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the love is, at the end of the day, the same across the board. We feel endless love for our kids becuase they are OUR kids, no matter what the flavor. And I know gender desire and disappointment is real, and can be hard to cope with, but all that really matters is that our kids are our's and that is a love that leaves NOTHING to desire about.

 

Great post!  Thank you for your honesty.  Now if we could just get our chronic GDers onboard with this sentiment!!  

Rein&Sonshines:

 I cried at my u/s I was so happy. I planned for her and chose her name. .....

I know what you are trying to say and all, but the above quote says it all.

The fact is, that a gender longing...a dream...a desire you had *was*fulfilled and that's why  you are now able to move on with your life and forget the pain of the past like some distant memory.  You don't wake up every morning with a stab in  your heart when you see your DD smiling up at you.

Sorry if I'm sounding so skeptical but I doubt you would have written any of this about how your life is still no different if "she" had been a "he". 

I don't know if you truly understand what I'm trying to say at all. I also planned for and picked out the names of my sons. I was very excited for my ds1 (didn't know the sex of ds2 at u/s). What I'm saying is that my love is across the board. And I admit, when I only had sons, I felt like if I would get a girl, it would be a deeper love. As awful as that sounds, I really went thru a lot of days where I disliked my own boys b/c they were rough and tumble, and exhausting. I thought (wrongly) that a girl would bring me a special happiness. And I am ashamed of those feelings. Yes, I do have a daughter, and I know I am fortunate, but SHE doesn't bring me anything that my boys do not. SHE doesn't make me "complete". They ALL do. And we were set on three, so I made the conscious decision going into my thrid pregnancy's u/s that this was it..If God had dealt me all sons, I would make a clear cut effort to accept it and move on. Regardless, we were having three. ..Again, my point is that I am just as happy with my sons as with my daughter; they are equally great (whereas I honestly believed SHE would be better)... and a lot of the desire for her was me putting unrealistic expectations on how life would be with her. It feels no different. That's all I'm trying to say.

Rein&Sonshines:

I know I am fortunate, but SHE doesn't bring me anything that my boys do not. SHE doesn't make me "complete"..

If this was the "Rising above Infertility" board, and someone came and posted how they were prepared to accept not having children but by some miracle their last IVF worked and now that their baby is here...their life is "no different" than before...that having that special child didn't alter or change their life in any way...it was all a worked up fantasy....really...

Would you believe them?

Would you wonder what they are doing posting on a Rising Above forum when they got what they wanted?

To me, the Rising Above forum is for people who will always have that ache in their heart but are doing their best to move on and overcome it..

MyDreamBabi:

If this was the "Rising above Infertility" board, and someone came and posted how they were prepared to accept not having children but by some miracle their last IVF worked and now that their baby is here...their life is "no different" than before...that having that special child didn't alter or change their life in any way...it was all a worked up fantasy....really...

But it's not, it's the rising above GD forum. I don't have to justify myself to anyone, but I'll tell you: I suffered from GD for a long, long time. And I'm posting my story to shed some light on the reality of having both genders; I'm trying to relate the main point that there's no difference at all. Maybe someone will take something comforting or positive out of my story and opinion. I'm not saying you have to agree, but I have every right to post here if I chose to.

For you to write what you did before, that one sentence sums it all up, is just wrong, becasue one sentence does not sum up my point of view at all.

Thank you Rein&Sonshines for this post. I'm ttc right now, but also trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never have another baby, and the one I do have does, in fact, still make my family "complete". I think it's a great post about how we idealize what we don't have and then once we get it, life isn't all of the sudden ideal. I try very hard to be grateful "in the moment" each day, even though it's hard when I really want to be a mother a second time. So, your post really hit home for me. Thanks!

I really found this post comforting, thanks for sharing it! I'm dealing with my own GD after finding out we're having boy #3. But I do think that sometimes it becomes more about the desire and wanting this GIRL that I just can’t seem to have that makes me want it more! I didn’t even want girls necessarily until I was just 110% sure that my 2^nd son was girl and bonded w/ ‘her’. When I found out she was a he I felt I had lost someone.. it was tough….  but the bottom line is that person was never real. A gender is just a gender, maybe I’ll bond w/ my sons more in the end… who knows what personality my third little guy is going to have. What if I had my daughter and we did nothing but butt heads like I hear SO many moms and daughters do? (me and my mom  included).. who knows what kind of personality our kids our going to have regardless of sex.

At the end of the day, life is still life, and having a girl (or a boy if that’s your DG) isn't going to make it ALL better. I've been thinking about this a lot lately but it really keeps coming to mind - Is my mom a happier person because she had daughters (what she wanted) instead of sons? and the answer is definitely no, happiness really is a choice. Regardless of circumstance or what we get or don't get.

Some days are still really tough but it's nice to hear someone else say that actually getting your DG doesn’t actually “fix” everything and that the love is not ‘more than’ what we have with our GD babes.

 

Well, I understand what you are trying to say as well, but I tend to agree with MyDreamBabi on this one. Those of us who are are suffering very badly from GD come to the Rising Above board to try to see stories of people who are rising above the GD EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T GET THEIR DESIRED GENDER. You, you lucky thing, DID get your desired gender! I understand that what you are trying to say is that it doesn't make all of life's problems go away and that we will love our kids all the same anyway.... but the thing is (and maybe I'm just speaking for myself), I don't, for one second, believe or feel that I would love a DD more than I love my sons! Good grief! That idea is absurd to me (not judging you if that's how you thought you would feel, though!). I do not want a DD because I think I would love her more or be more protective of her. I long for a DD because of the relationship I have with my Mom, and I really hoped to at least have a chance to have the same kind of relationship with a daughter of my own. (And because I do love the girly things and I am SO not boyish at all or into boy things or sports or anything like that, but that's just the superficial stuff that doesn't really matter that much.) Also, you say that it is no different, but I think it is pretty early days for you to be saying that. Of course it isn't much different now - your DD is only 3 months old! You can't really say that when your children are in their teens or 20s or 30s or whatever, that a relationship with a DD will be exactly the same as a relationship with a DS. Of course, the love will be the same, but the relationship (whether good or bad) will be DIFFERENT because of the simple inherent fact that males and females are different. Raising boys and raising girls will bring different experiences, and the relationship dynamics will be different with each gender. I understand that you are trying to make us feel better and I appreciate that, for sure. I guess it's just kind of hard for some of us to have someone who got their desired gender sort of say not to be too sad, because getting the desired gender is really not all it's cracked up to be, and life goes on just the same as it always did.... I hope I'm not hurting your feelings or anything, i just wanted to give a different perspective....

Heather, yes, I'm trying to share a point of view, and no..you didn't offend me. I'm just trying to offer comfort over the fact that it's no different. I know it's early days, of course. I just see so many moms on here (especially those with all boys) wanting a daughter, and within their lot of posts, there seems to be a whole comparison thing going on. I know it happened for me, and for others, that their boys are unrelatable to them (I'm still trying to figure out my DS1, but my DS2 is a simpler, more easy going kid). Still...I also read about some boy moms who get so frustrated with their sons over rowdy behavior, etc. and whether we realize it or not, I think (just my opinion) we're wanting to get that girl for the common grounds shared over being the same sex. For some, boys are so alien to them, and unconsciously, we might think our girls will be a better gender to raise. I'm saying, in my experience, that there's no difference. Just wanted to offer some comfort...this forum is yes, for those rising above, but I also think, for stories of encouragement and support.

Rein&Sonshines
thank you so much for sharing this story. i think your post is perfect in this "rising above" forum. you have risen above because you now understand that gender has very little to do with our children. it is a label. it does not represent anything about our relationship with them. you have written what i have always suspected what was true. once you get your dream--it isn't that important anymore. we imagine that when we finally get that thing we l-o-n-g for desperately that our life will be perfect or that we can move on from the pain. yes, we can move on from the pain of not having what we wanted so badly. but once we have that thing, we find other things we want and hope for. we focus on it less. but there is always something out there for us to want. a dd or ds is pretty big, but we have to look at it beyond that. it is a DESIRE. if you look at a lot of buddhist thinking they say that desire is the thing that will make you miserable in life. we all have desires but when we obsess and focus on them it isn't healthy for us. even if we get the thing we desire---as you have so perfectly written--it doesn't make our life more perfect. it doesn't necessarily fulfill the void we were trying to fill. i appreciate your honesty. a lot of times on this site we don't hear from women after they've had their desired gender. it is nice to hear that life goes on as usual. nothing really changes that much. we are still the same people inside. thank you again...

NinaB:

Rein&Sonshines
once you get your dream--it isn't that important anymore. we imagine that when we finally get that thing we l-o-n-g for desperately that our life will be perfect or that we can move on from the pain. yes, we can move on from the pain of not having what we wanted so badly. but once we have that thing, we find other things we want and hope for. we focus on it less. but there is always something out there for us to want. a dd or ds is pretty big, but we have to look at it beyond that. it is a DESIRE. if you look at a lot of buddhist thinking they say that desire is the thing that will make you miserable in life. we all have desires but when we obsess and focus on them it isn't healthy for us. even if we get the thing we desire---as you have so perfectly written--it doesn't make our life more perfect. it doesn't necessarily fulfill the void we were trying to fill.

 

ITA.

Do we not see that here ALL THE TIME?  How many women have gotten their DD, the thing they wanted more than anything, the "supposed single thing" that would make them complete, only to say a few months later, "Gosh, I feel ashamed, but now I really want another one..." 

I've seen it too many times to count.

Plus, isn't there a new Forum about "Hmmm, I didn't expect I'd feel this way after getting my DG"  that's soon appearing? 

Um, hello?

Thank you, Rein&Sonshines, this post meant a lot to me and makes me feel so much better about my own GD! I really appreciate your honesty and thoughtful words...they cheered me.

I have to say it is easy for you to write this because you now have at least one of each gender.  Say you had a third son.....I'm not too sure you'd feel the same way.  But, you got lucky and had a daughter.  See it from my point of view...I have three daughters, I love them all dearly.  I don't know if I'll ever get the experience of raising a son, and it makes me upset.  I will always wonder.....