Mommy Mayhem

Re: Am I just an overly critical Stepmother?

Tayls — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 01:54:26 GMT

Hmmm. I don't have personal experience of a child with ADHD ... but I had a close friend who had a boy with it. He was still able to do the things that your stepson can't do. However .. I guess every child is different.

It is hard because you are in a no-win situation with him being your stepson and this means you have to tread extra carefully. If he was my son, I would be getting him assessed to work out how much is a result of ADHD. I don't mean that to sound harsh ... but a 10 year old not being able to pour a drink just doesn't seem right and I wonder if it comes down to his laziness? Is there anywhere you can go to get him assessed? They should also be looking at is height if he isn't growing because surely they should be monitoring all of that?

In terms of the toilet - I do feel for you. I don't know if it would work, but the next time he does it .. I would get him to clean it up himself. If your DH is home I would get him to ask him to do it ... because otherwise he will be going home and telling his mother that you made him clean the toilet .. and all hell could break loose! I think that if the consequence of continually peeing all over the place was that he had to clean it up .. he would soon stop doing it.

I think it is great that you are thinking of having him live with you. The only thing I would get you to think about would be how that would impact on your lives, especially with another child on the way. Maybe it just needs to be "baby steps" at first and that once you are able to, you get to see him on a regular basis .. maybe every weekend or every other weekend. That way, by seeing him more often you will have more of an impact?

I wish you all the luck - you are in a horrible situation but from the sounds of it you are handling it well. I love the fact that you care so much for your stepson and want to improve things for him. I had a stepfather from a young age (5) and he has bought me up to be the person I am today ... so I know what impact a step-parent can have .. so keep up the good work (even though at times I am sure it seems unappreciated).

In terms of DH's ex calling at work to discipline his son - that has to stop! It is not fair to DH because the reality is that because he is not there to see what is happening, how can he effectively discipline him for it.

As an example, my DH came home the other day and the boys had made a mess in the playroom as it was a wet day and they had friends over etc etc. Anyway, he launched into telling them to get it sorted and to do it now. My boys started to complain and he didn't take a moment to listen to them and just growled at them not to answer back and to do it NOW. I had to pull him aside because what he didn't know is that the boys had been really good all day and I had recently asked them to tidy the room and put the toys away and they had asked if they could do it once their program finished ... so I said yes. The program had all of 5 mins left to go when DH came in and told them off. They weren't answering back ... but they were just trying to explain this to DH!

I guess I am trying to say that sometimes, it is hard for your DH to discipline when he doesn't know what has happened beforehand.

Not sure if this helps in any way but I wish you all the best.

Re: Am I just an overly critical Stepmother?

bellabetty — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 08:22:05 GMT

Your kids sound like a pleasure to have, i bet all your friends are jealous! Thanks for your response too BTW. I know that DH is the one that needs to talk to her, i doubt she will appreciate it coming from either of us, let alone me. He just gets so upset and I have no idea why but in the past when he has spoken to her about stuff she walks all over him. He is a softie, he is the same with me too. He is getting better at putting his foot down but I think alot of it is guilt. He feels so bad that he is not there for his son but as I have explained to him many times, SHE cheated, SHE has created this mess. She has a new husband who has been in her life since her and my partner split up (9 yrs ago) so it's not like he doesn't have male influences. I think her new husbandis in the same boat as me, not sure of his "place" but he has had 9 yrs to get used to it, i have had 1.5 yrs...

I wouldn't be that concerned about his weight except that the pills he is on for supposed ADHD have a side effect of stunted growth and the whole time I have known him he has been than thin and the same height. And compared with other kids his age he seems to be miles behind in terms of size. He wears a size 6 (aus) because his pants fall down otherwise....

As far as showers go, we are working in baby steps...Trying to encourage him using soap, drying himself, getting himself dressed, hanging up his towel and picking up his dirty clothes. Getting him to wash his hair may be all too much for him lol. I will try next time he is here but he will probably ask waht shampoo is......*shakes head. :(

He will put him dirty dishes in the sink when asked but can't pour a drink himself (says he doesn't know how) and definately cannot get his own breakfast as it involves pouring milk. We try to teach him but again, by the time he comes back to us he has forgotten.

As far as the toilet thing goes, as you can imagine since I am pregnant, i am peeing constantly and am sick of sitting or stepping in it, not to mention getting on my hands and knees to scrub the tiles is difficult. I have even gone to the extent of explaining to him why I don't like it. He seems to understand and makes the odd effort to try clean it up when he misses but I just think he should know how to use a toilet by now. I am considering getting one of those toddler target things to go in there so he has something to aim for. I expect the odd miss as he is male afterall but I don't expect to have to go over it again and again with him. It's just so frustrating for us as it all turns to shit the moment he goes home. I'm not sure if he is doing it on purpose. I doubt it since he wouldn't even remember when his dad was there, he was just a baby. I can only put it down to either laziness, or she hasn't taught him.

We would love to have him full time but I doubt she will let him go. She uses him to gain sympathy off whoever will listen. She says he is uncontrollable, won't listen to her (to the point where she rings DH at work when he is misbehaving so he can speak to his son over the phone and discipline him), She claims he has ADHD and that he is "an asshole". Great mother huh? DH has more luck with him, actually everybody does. I thought I was overeaccting but my sister babysat him for a few hrs while I was at the Drs and she won't do it again. He is a handful but I think he just craves attention and his mother has taught him that if he acts up, she pays attention. It may just be yelling at him (which he doesn't listen to anyway) but he probably thinks its better than nothing. She has him doing 8 dance classes a week (which he hates), 2 days of tutoring, 2 days of soccer and now rollerskating. I think she does this so she doesn't have to deal with him.When we have him he sleeps about 12hrs a night and has no energy to do much of anything at all.I think he is recovering from his hectic week.

In about 4 weeks DH will be home for good and not working interstate for weeks at a time. We have mentioned it to his son about living with us we don't want to push the subject. It needs to be sorted by the parents or authorities. Once DH gets home we are in a better situation to try to get him (there is no legal custody documents, just a verbal agreement from yrs ago) we will be trying but want to give her the opportunity to fix it first. If he lives with us he will need to change schools, quit dancing and make new friends, its a big change for him and I don't want to make things worse. What do you think?

Re: Am I just an overly critical Stepmother?

Tayls — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 07:12:31 GMT

bellabetty - from the sounds of it ... you are being a wonderful stepmother. You are in a difficult situation and it is really up to your DH to say anything if that is what you decide to do as your stepson's mother is more likely to listen to him.

In terms of his weight ... I wouldn't worry too much about that at his age. Children often go through growth spurts and their weight fluctuates. It may be that he has just had a growth spurt and hasn't grown into it yet KWIM? I think raising the issue of weight with him or his mother at such a young age can create a raft of problems.

As to whether he should be able to do the things you mentioned at his age - YES! My 6 and 8 year olds have a shower on their own and can brush their teeth, wash their hair and wash their bodies too and happily dress themselves. They can eat with a knife and fork but are still mastering cutting things. My 8 year old can even fold his clothes because he just decided he wanted to fold his PJs before putting them away. They also take their plates to the bench when they are finished and can fix their own cereal in the morning. However, that is because I have taken the time to teach them to do these things and the mother of my 6 year old's friend was surprised that he could shower on his own and dress himself because she said she still does everything for her son.

So at the age of 10 .. yep ... I would expect he would be able to do things. In terms of the peeing ... I don't mean to sound horrible ... but I am from a broken home (my parents separated when I was 5) - do you think that maybe that is something he is doing on purpose? My 6 and 8 year old sometimes have accidents which miss but these are rare. Although I will admit that our bath is close to the toilet and one day I discovered that one of them had peed in their because he thought it was funny. I had to explain to him that is not what we do and he hasn't done it again since.

I don't know your entire situation ... but although you can't have your stepson fulltime, are you able to increase the amount of time he spends with you? That would be my only suggestions and that way you can provide him with a bit more guidance than he is obviously getting. You just need to make sure you show him as much love and understanding during the time he is with you because he needs to know that you and his father are there for him if he ever needs you.

Good luck.

Am I just an overly critical Stepmother?

bellabetty — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 06:05:35 GMT

Honest feedback please. I have a 10 yr old stepson that due to work commitments me and his dad only see 2days out of every 5 weeks. We can only trust that his mother is doing a good job of raising him as we don't have him often enough to really teach him much at all (we try, but it doesn't stick). The most alarming thing is he is 10 yrs old, 130cm tall and weighs only 21kg. My 8 year old nephew weighs more than that. As there is no BMI for kids we are not sure just how unhealthy it is (he is visably far too thin). Also he does not know how to eat with a knife and fork, he even eats spaghetti with his fingers. We have asked him about this and he says that the food he eats at home is finger food (like hot dogs and Pizza) or his mum cuts it up for him. Isn't 10 years old too old for his mum to be cutting his food? So needless to say he has "knife and fork lessons" with us. He also is not familiar with sitting at a table to eat. When he is here we make a conscious effort to eat dinner at the dining table like a family but he squats on his chair and uses his fingers to eat like a feral monkey. After many frustrating attempts on my behalf to get him to sit properly I finally asked him where he eats dinner when he is at home. He said either in his room on his bed or in his mums room. Hmmm guess that explains it. He also has a bad habit of weeing ALL over the toilet. Not just on the seat, but on the walls, the floors etc. After many a wet bum I asked him if he lifts the seat and holds his willy when he pees. His answer was no. Shouldn't he be able to do this by now? When I told his dad he gave him a "how to pee lesson" but we find it isn't reinforced at home so by the time he comes back to us we are teaching him all over again. Plus he doesn't wash his hands but since our bathroom tap is noisy this is easy to spot.Up until a few weeks ago when hubby went into the bathroom while son was having a shower we did not realise that all he does when he is in there is stand under the water. Hubby literally had to show him what soap was and how to use it. When he comes over he is in filthy clothes that are clearly handed me downs and shoes too small with holes in them. ( She gets plenty of money off us, more than the reccomended amount) so there is no excuse for this. We buy him new clothes every time he is with us as it must be embarassing for him to walk around looking like that so we make it a "gift" because we missed him. And he gets so excited at something new and not secondhand he just wants to go out and show it all off to his friends! We never tell him how bad he looks. His nails are always filthy and usually longer than mine so I add that to the list of things to do when we have him along with a haircut.

To give you an idea of the mother we are facing here she recently told us that she didn't take him to the DR last week even though he was clearly very sick, because she asked him and he said he didn't want to. In my brief experience with kids there is alot they don't want to do but as a parent it is her responsibility to MAKE him do it, expecially when it comes to medical reasons. We cannot help but shake our heads with what she does or doesn't do. At the end of the day it is her poor son that suffers.We do the best with him on the rare occasions that we do have him but every time we see him it is the same old story and we are starting from scratch. I can't help but compare him to my 5 yr old niece and 8 year old nephew who are far healthier, cleaner and mature than he is. We NEVER say anything bad about his mother in front him as we don't want him to feel bad. We can only do so much in such a short space of time and would love to have him permanently but at this time it is not an option as hubby works interstate and there is no way she would ever let me have him (god forbid she wouldn't get the money for him). All we care about is his safety and well being but it seems to me she is neglecting him, expecially since she has a new husband and baby and her son seems to just be a burden to her.

So in saying all that I desperately need advice. Is he old enough to be doing these things himself? Or am I asking too much? What else can we do? (We have tried to talk to her but she gets defensive and makes excuses).

Thankyou for all of you who read this till the end and comment. Your advice is greatly appreciated.