Gender Disappointment

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

CakeLady1 — Wed, 02 May 2012 12:29:08 GMT

Just de-lurking to respond to this...

sounds just like my friend. We were just pregnant together - just recently had our babies. I had 3 sons, she had 3 daughters. Before we knew what we were having, she started to say things about how awful boys are. One time, at yoga class, she went way too far. She started saying things like how boys are born "inherently violent" and just "kill each other, anyway." What the heck?? She went on about how men always start wars and are so violent and how she never wants one. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about my sweet, totally UN-violent little boys. I was so horrified that I didn't know what to say. I have 3 sweet, wonderful little boys who don't go a single day without telling me that I'm beautiful and that they love me. As I stood there listening to her, my mind was racing thinking about how if I had ds#4, she'd totally hate him. I don't know why I really cared, but at that moment I was wondering if her thoughts were only hers alone or if a lot of people felt that way about the male gender? All of the males that I know are loving, wonderful people. Why would she feel this way?

Fast forward....I had a girl after 3 boys and she had her fourth girl. now, she's saying things to me like "aren't girls wonderful?" Well, of course. But so are boys!! She asks if I'm having so much fun dressing up my daughter - yes, but I had just as much fun dressing my boys; in fact I find boy clothes more fun. Frankly, I really wish she would have had a little boy so that she would stop the comments. I know that her husband would have really like to have a son. Because now this "cover up" is going to continue and continue...

My assessment? I think she was secretly wanting a son and covering up those feelings by saying the (very hurtful) things that she did. I know that she was feeling pressure from her husband's side of the family to have a son and she was going overboard in trying to convince people that she didn't want one. I think the same for your friend, OP. I think that she secretly pines for a son and covers that up by stating the things that she does. But in the meantime, she makes herself look biased and unfair - quite unflattering. If she continues, I'd point out to her that she must like some males; afterall she obviously procreated with one. And would she want her daughter growing up to think boys are awful? Someday, her daughter may really like boys. Why not, instead, focus on teaching her daughter to love herself instead of to hate others?

Good luck.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

Photo-Girl — Tue, 01 May 2012 23:14:42 GMT

I agree with all the others, esp. Islandmeadow. If she's not jealous, she's competitive and wants to raise herself up as compared to you for some reason, and that's neither pleasant nor healthy in a relationship (although too common, alas). Personally, I would drop her like a hot potato. You've already handled many insensitive comments from her graciously, and in my book, 3 strikes and you're out. If you really do feel she has redeeming qualities and are willing to try to save the friendship, then talk to her and say how her gender-bashing is hurtful (you did say she doesn't know about your GD so she may not realize this is a really sensitive topic for you). In my book, the harm is done tho, but I do realize everyone has a different tolerance level to that sort of thing and you may be more forgiving than I am!

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

Mrs_Incredible — Tue, 01 May 2012 19:37:15 GMT

oooooheeeer:
islandmeadow:
Nordic mum:
Thanks for your comments. She just seems so happy with her daughter that I just feel like that she just hates boys for some reason.. I think her daughter is super cute and have said that to her many times. This is a hard subject to bring up but I guess I have to do that if we're continuing to see each other..

I'm sure she is very happy with her daughter. However, she may still be gender bashing out of jealousy ~ it is probably unrelated to her current dd, but more connected to the fear that she will never have a ds. I wonder if she's recently found out it will be hard to ttc another or if her dh has told her he doesn't want any more children for financial or other reasons? Seems like something must have happened recently to trigger all of this since she didn't seem to do that before.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this from a 'friend.'

As far as advice on how to handle the situation, I've seriously just had to cut certain people out of my life before because of issues like this (mostly unrelated to my children). Some people feel the need to elevate themselves above others to feel good about themselves and they will look for any opportunity to do so ~ be it about being a sahm vs a working mom, having a better job than you, having a better dh or ds or dd, living in a better neighborhood or town. People are very ridiculous in that sort of way.

You might try telling her. Look, I understand you don't like boys. I get it. However, when you continue to make negative comments about boys to me, it really feels like your comments are directed at MY sons and that is really hurtful. My boys are wonderful and I love them to pieces as I'm sure you love your own dd and I would never think of making negative comments about girls in general so I would appreciate it if you could stop making negative comments about boys to me.

IDK, it's a tough situation. These are the times when I ask myself: Is this person worth it? before I put forth too much effort to save a friendship.
I agree, wise words xx Very wise words. I don't know how you've held your tongue so long. x

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

oooooheeeer — Tue, 01 May 2012 07:24:48 GMT

islandmeadow:
Nordic mum:
Thanks for your comments. She just seems so happy with her daughter that I just feel like that she just hates boys for some reason.. I think her daughter is super cute and have said that to her many times. This is a hard subject to bring up but I guess I have to do that if we're continuing to see each other..

I'm sure she is very happy with her daughter. However, she may still be gender bashing out of jealousy ~ it is probably unrelated to her current dd, but more connected to the fear that she will never have a ds. I wonder if she's recently found out it will be hard to ttc another or if her dh has told her he doesn't want any more children for financial or other reasons? Seems like something must have happened recently to trigger all of this since she didn't seem to do that before.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this from a 'friend.'

As far as advice on how to handle the situation, I've seriously just had to cut certain people out of my life before because of issues like this (mostly unrelated to my children). Some people feel the need to elevate themselves above others to feel good about themselves and they will look for any opportunity to do so ~ be it about being a sahm vs a working mom, having a better job than you, having a better dh or ds or dd, living in a better neighborhood or town. People are very ridiculous in that sort of way.

You might try telling her. Look, I understand you don't like boys. I get it. However, when you continue to make negative comments about boys to me, it really feels like your comments are directed at MY sons and that is really hurtful. My boys are wonderful and I love them to pieces as I'm sure you love your own dd and I would never think of making negative comments about girls in general so I would appreciate it if you could stop making negative comments about boys to me.

IDK, it's a tough situation. These are the times when I ask myself: Is this person worth it? before I put forth too much effort to save a friendship.

Very wise words. I don't know how you've held your tongue so long. x

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

sneakypete — Tue, 01 May 2012 07:15:38 GMT

Jag haller med alla andra. :)

I agree with everyone else. You should not have to put up with that. I'd distance myself for a while and if subject got brought up again, which it probably will, mention that seeing as you are a boy mum maybe she should consider how this comes across to you. You do not think gender comes into it a lot but it's more to do with parenting.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

ProudPapa — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:38:36 GMT

It does sound a little like jealousy to me too and she is trying to convice herself to feel ok about not having a boy. The part that would annoy me the most would be how unrational she is being because her daughter obviously does not have a problem with your sons. If it were me, and it is not, I would ask her, "If you and your daughter have such a problem with boys, why are you playing with us?" The good part is that you have not invested much in the friendship yet and should walk away from it if she is being unreasonable and unfair. You and your family sound like very reasonable and down to earth people, and you do not need that stress in your life. Try to understand that she is just jealous and feel sorry for her instead of angry, but there is no need to keep yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

wildwooddays — Tue, 01 May 2012 01:21:03 GMT

I agree with the others, sounds like your friend is jealous, especially since she said her dh wanted a boy. If she was really confident and really did feel bad for you, she wouldn't feel the need to say it.

sounds like what you say in response is perfect though. If you do want to continue this friendship, maybe say something like, "Children are a blessing no matter what gender. It kind of hurts my feelings when you make comments like that."

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

kimberj103 — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 22:19:04 GMT

I am way off in left field perhaps, but sounds like she has some ISSUES from her own past with boys. Maybe her husband beats her or maybe a boy put her pigtails in glue in the second grade - but gee whiz! Telling you about a 9 mo old who was making some kind of scary face? Probably just trying to poop! She sounds NUTTY. Maybe SHE needs to poop? Oh, wait - girls don't poop. That's a nasty boy thing. >:)

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

newbaby2011 — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 15:50:56 GMT

i think shes jealous too, i was. and i kinda did the same thing. not ever bashing boys but saying things about how great little girls were and how perfect they are just to make myself feel better. first time moms of little girls are some of the most over protective things on the planet. trust me i was one and i've seen us at play groups. they don't like the rowdy boys to get too close to the quiet little girls, they might get hurt.

its like that old saying... the first kid drops the bottle and you pick is up and imediantly start to sterlize it, with the 2nd kid you just wipe the bottle on your shirt and hand it back to the baby.. with the 3rd, well just let the dog lick it clean and its good enough....

she needs a few more kids!

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

Winter — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:50:32 GMT

I would have a really hard time continuing that friendship. No one insults my boys or my family. I can't say this woman is jealous but clearly she is incredibly rude and insensitive. So she doesn't like boys eh, her husbands a boy does she show the same disdain for him? I got to say sometimes I really wonder about that around this place. It sucks that you thought she would be a good friend, its not always easy making new friends at this stage in our lives but I could not tolerate that. I would either confont her or stop talking to her altogether.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

islandmeadow — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:49:10 GMT

Nordic mum:
Thanks for your comments. She just seems so happy with her daughter that I just feel like that she just hates boys for some reason.. I think her daughter is super cute and have said that to her many times. This is a hard subject to bring up but I guess I have to do that if we're continuing to see each other..

I'm sure she is very happy with her daughter. However, she may still be gender bashing out of jealousy ~ it is probably unrelated to her current dd, but more connected to the fear that she will never have a ds. I wonder if she's recently found out it will be hard to ttc another or if her dh has told her he doesn't want any more children for financial or other reasons? Seems like something must have happened recently to trigger all of this since she didn't seem to do that before.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this from a 'friend.'

As far as advice on how to handle the situation, I've seriously just had to cut certain people out of my life before because of issues like this (mostly unrelated to my children). Some people feel the need to elevate themselves above others to feel good about themselves and they will look for any opportunity to do so ~ be it about being a sahm vs a working mom, having a better job than you, having a better dh or ds or dd, living in a better neighborhood or town. People are very ridiculous in that sort of way.

You might try telling her. Look, I understand you don't like boys. I get it. However, when you continue to make negative comments about boys to me, it really feels like your comments are directed at MY sons and that is really hurtful. My boys are wonderful and I love them to pieces as I'm sure you love your own dd and I would never think of making negative comments about girls in general so I would appreciate it if you could stop making negative comments about boys to me.

IDK, it's a tough situation. These are the times when I ask myself: Is this person worth it? before I put forth too much effort to save a friendship.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

Nordic mum — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:29:18 GMT

Thanks for your comments. She just seems so happy with her daughter that I just feel like that she just hates boys for some reason.. I think her daughter is super cute and have said that to her many times. This is a hard subject to bring up but I guess I have to do that if we're continuing to see each other..

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

Miss Bliss — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:02:11 GMT

Sounds like to me she actually DOES want a boy & is afraid she may never have one, so she puts on a front of "not liking boys" to cover that up.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

cupcakebaby — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:57:13 GMT

I totally agree with jaxyjax. She sounds like she's trying to convince herself she doesn't really want a boy. I find myself getting defensive only in situations where you are- where someone else is bashing my kid's gender, so pretty lame that she's doing it without a reason. Tricky situation and in an ideal world, you would tell her how you feel and I suppose you could try that, but not sure it would work on someone like that. At least though she would know where you stand and how you feel. Most women know instinctually not to insult someone else's kids unless they want a mad mama bear on their hands lol. If she doesn't knock it off, I would find a new friend.

Re: What's wrong with this 'friend' of mine??

jaxyjax — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:26:22 GMT

Firstly let me just say sorry that your 'friend' is gender bashing your boys. Reading this makes me think that maybe she is jealous of what you have, whos knows maybe she secretly wanted a boy but got a girl so she takes it out on those that have boys. She sounds jealous to me as well as not being a particularly nice friend.