Gender Disappointment

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

newbaby2011 — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 17:20:23 GMT

if he's going to walk out and act like a baby and abandon his wife and children then she's better off without him. he won't even agree to counseling? if i can do it im suire she can do it. when my husband left i had no clue how to even pump my own gas. its going to be sad for awhile though and im glad she's got friends and family to help her. my sister took in me and my 3 kids until we got on our feet. we're all here rooting for you.

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

princess-blue — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 15:38:36 GMT

:( I don't have any experience of GD as this is my 1st pregnancy. From what i've read it sounds like a horrible and traumatic thing to have to try and cope with. The fact that you have over come this awful feeling is something to be so proud of. I'm really sorry your marriage has broken down and you and your boys are in my thoughts. I imagine this is so hard on you right now but try be strong for your 2 beautiful boys

x x x x x

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

lmp1973 — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 13:23:14 GMT

mykidseyessparkle- frankly I'm MAD at your husband! What ever happened for better or for worse? I understand that during GD that us women might be a tad hard to live with but a "strong" man would realize that usually we come to terms with our GD babies after their births and love them to pieces.

Please DO NOT blame yourself because of GD. This man would have found another excuse at some point anyways. You desearve better than someone who bails at the slightest obstacle. I know it's going to be a rough road but maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Now you will be open down the road to a new relationship with someone worth your time. Maybe you might even get a step daughter or the opportunity to have your own daughter in the future.

Take your time to mourn the loss of a life you thought you were going to have but I just wanted to let you know that the future still has happy days in store for you. The first step though is not to let your future ex-husband make you feel like this is your fault when it's his fault. He was the weak one NOT you.

As a side note I was reading the readers digest (my grandma buys it and gives it to me) and there was an article about what your marriage counselor won't tell you. Number 2 said "when you say your feelings just aren't there anymore I know you are probably cheating"... Once again- he would be at fault NOT you.

Many hugs!!!!

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

Sakura7783 — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 09:12:59 GMT

:( :(

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

mykidseyessparkle — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 07:39:41 GMT

There will be no friends with benefits - he is petrified that i will get pregnant lol! No change here. DH has found a place to stay and has moved out. I have been surrounded by friends and family and trying to be strong but going through a massive range of emotions! Please keep praying for us!

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

wantaninaisback — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 02:17:18 GMT

Never let him have that friend w/ benefits idea w/ you just because you are vulnerable right now. Again, I don't want to be too personal and I don't know you and your husband; therefore, I can just react to what I read in your post and that kinda sounds like myself years ago when my ex had his way w/ me. Hope you are stronger than I was back then.

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

wantaninaisback — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 02:02:35 GMT

Nooooo, I meant her getting a daughter from a future spouse when she is ready. Don't focus on him if he says he does not love you anymore....maybe another man will. For now focus on your life with your sons and a happy end for all of you. Don't take all the blame for the seperation. Take care of yourself and your boys!!!

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

Sakura7783 — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 01:54:18 GMT

newbaby2011:
my husband left me and our 3 girls too. yea i encouraged it because he was abusive and he had a girlfriend but i honestly had a hard time doing it. my kids lost their home, their friends, everything. i won't lie hun its going to be hard. i worked all the time but in the end i got my own place, and i was happy again. correction we were happy again. there was no fighting no yelling, no crying, no screaming. just peace and this great feeling of acomplishment. let me tell you i met this wonderful amazing man and that bitter nasty divorce was the best thing that ever happened. he's on to wife number 4 and in and out of jail. if he won't agree to counseling and there is honestly no hope i just wanted you to know that you're tough and i have faith in you.

Much love to you. I'm sure your an amazing mother! 

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

newbaby2011 — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 01:39:08 GMT

my husband left me and our 3 girls too. yea i encouraged it because he was abusive and he had a girlfriend but i honestly had a hard time doing it. my kids lost their home, their friends, everything. i won't lie hun its going to be hard. i worked all the time but in the end i got my own place, and i was happy again. correction we were happy again. there was no fighting no yelling, no crying, no screaming. just peace and this great feeling of acomplishment. let me tell you i met this wonderful amazing man and that bitter nasty divorce was the best thing that ever happened. he's on to wife number 4 and in and out of jail. if he won't agree to counseling and there is honestly no hope i just wanted you to know that you're tough and i have faith in you.

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

Sakura7783 — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 01:14:00 GMT

wantaninaisback:
I'm sorry, but I'm sure you will make it. If yout husband does not want to try for a daughter it's maybe better. I'm pregnant with my fourth son and am now convinced my husband can't make girls. I know you are hurting right now and you have to give yourself time, but I have heard of many women who had boys from one hubby and then got re-married and had one or more daughters from a new spouse. I know right now you cannot even think about it, but maybe it can give you a sparkle of hope for the future. Don't give your husband the chance to make you feel bad...because then he should feel bad for not giving you a daughter even if it's out of his control, but so is GD. He should not blame you for GD.....you don't have those feelings under control just like he can't control if an X or Y sperm reaches your egg. Hugs!!!

No offense but I think the last thing she wants to hear is her hubby getting re- married and possibly having a daughter with someone else! She isn't the only one suffering. Her husband and especially her children are all gonna be going through a difficult time. I can't imagine the pain their both going through knowing that it's really over. I don't have kids yet and so I can't say I understand GD but...I'm seeing it is an ugly monster. She didn't choose to feel this way hell nobody did. To the OP I am keeping you and your family in prayer. I know your kids are the ones that are gonna have the hardest time understanding mommy and daddy aren't living together. Just remember whatever you do make sure it's best for your kids. I know it's gonna be a tough road but you have us here for support. It just breaks my heart for you and your family. I pray the lord comforts you during this hard time. 

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

wantaninaisback — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 01:11:49 GMT

It's wonderful that you came to terms with having 2 boys and don't feel GD right now. I hope it will never ever come back. Please don't blame yourself though for the marriage being over and please don't let your husband take advantage of your guilty feelings. I don't know you and your situation, but I know a lot of men put that guilt on their wifes and then one day your boys might blame you for everything as well. Please take care of yourself and focus on yourself liking who you are. You don't need to look good for your husband or anybody....just for yourself. I once tried to win back my ex and it took a lot out of me and I lost myself. I did everything for him and he took advantage of me. I don't want anybody to go through that.

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

wantaninaisback — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 00:58:05 GMT

I'm sorry, but I'm sure you will make it. If yout husband does not want to try for a daughter it's maybe better. I'm pregnant with my fourth son and am now convinced my husband can't make girls. I know you are hurting right now and you have to give yourself time, but I have heard of many women who had boys from one hubby and then got re-married and had one or more daughters from a new spouse. I know right now you cannot even think about it, but maybe it can give you a sparkle of hope for the future. Don't give your husband the chance to make you feel bad...because then he should feel bad for not giving you a daughter even if it's out of his control, but so is GD. He should not blame you for GD.....you don't have those feelings under control just like he can't control if an X or Y sperm reaches your egg. Hugs!!!

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

mykidseyessparkle — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 00:48:27 GMT

Thank you so much everybody for your thoughts and especially your prayers. GD of course is not the sole cause of this situation - there are other things of course - both of our jobs are onerous, we haven't spent enough time together as a couple - very telling is the fact that we went to a wedding without the children and stayed overnight. The first time we had ever done this. We had a fantastic time and dh admitted today that all of his feelings of woe went away whilst we were away but came back as soon as we returned home to our real/everyday lives. That was a month or so ago. He says it is over and there is no going back . He will not go to counselling as he does not see how that wouldnhelp. Particularly now he has made his decision. GD is a big factor in leading him to lose his love for me I know that. I have been a nightmare to live with and have tried every trick in the book to make him change his mind - subconsciously most of the time but looking back on it it I can see the pressure I was putting on our relationship. The ironic thing is that I was starting to come to terms with him not wanting another child and actually see the positives in sticking to just the two - our two amazing boys. I told dh this last night and he put his head in his hands ... It is too late to change anything or to save our marriage. I had lost my baby weight and was starting to look and feel like my old self. It is amazing that my GD has now completely gone .... I guess I have gone into major motherly protection for my boys and now I have lost my marriage and the family set up that I wanted for them I can absolutely see that that was enough. Yes I don't have the daughter but now i don't have all of the wonderful things that I had before. Its a cliche but I really couldn't see whatbI had until I have lost it.

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

nicnee1976 — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:05:00 GMT

I'm so sorry for you. I was lucky enough to have an understanding DH, but I know that GD can be so consuming that it takes over your life. I just hope that your DH can come around to the idea of counselling so you 2 can try to work things out. And maybe if he is not up for that you could have some counselling for your GD, and then your DH could perhaps see you are trying to move on from it?

Re: GD has destroyed my marriage

littlebee3 — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 14:44:35 GMT

what if you send him a longer letter and explaining all about gender disappointment ( does he know how much GD has influenced on you), and then at the end of the letter try to suggest if you go to some counselling in order to may be find the help for your relationship.

May be there still something you can do.