Gender Disappointment

Re: Oh, the drama...

eribeck79 — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 01:48:50 GMT

Thank you, love2run... I do definitely try to step in when they start being ugly towards each other. I've explained how it hurts feelings to act the way that they do. I have also had them play separately if it continues, which neither of them usually wants to do. I guess I am still trying to figure out how much intervening is enough and how much is too much. I homeschool, so they are both around each other a lot, and I imagine this makes it seem worse maybe than in other families where the 6 year old would be at school a lot of the time. When we go out places, they get distracted, I guess, because they act so well out in public. It makes me feel better when we get compliments about how they are so sweet and loving towards each other, since at home that doesn't always seem to be the case! I don't know what the deal is with the other conversation in this thread... I don't know, I see some people/families who appear to favor boys and some who appear to favor girls. I am sure it varies by country as well. Boys are certainly favored, to the extreme, in China. Many people in my area in the US favor girls' clothing - I hear comments about how girls' clothes are just "so much cuter" than boys' clothes. I think there are some really cute boy clothes out there, too... I saw a little boys' hat recently that I thought was absolutely precious. Anyway, I guess it is true there is drama between all siblings, and maybe boys in a group do the same thing as girls in a group... I do think it is true that there will be more verbal meanness between girls and more physical meanness between boys. I grew up around all boys (3 bothers, almost all boy cousins), and I babysat for nearly all boys as well, so I have just been more used to how they act in a group.

Re: Oh, the drama...

AmericanHousewife — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 13:31:57 GMT

I don't know why even after I politely requested that you stopped discussing my posts you continue to hijack the OP's thread with discussions irrelevant to her topic. She started a topic of discussion and instead of answering her you flood her thread with irrelevant posts about another users' posts. Moreover, you act as though you are a moderator. I know I am welcome to post here, there's no need for you to tell me that, thank you very much. And it is absolutely none of your business whether I am diplomatic about the nature of my posts and post equally good things about each gender. This is a forum for disappointment and frustrations, not for someone who has experienced neither to call out people and judge the nature of their posts. I have followed all the rules of posting here and done nothing wrong. You have wasted a lot of time and achieved nothing. The OP has hardly received any responses since this new topic came up. I'm sure she will greatly appreciate how you have turned this thread into something that has nothing to do with what she originally requested help for.

Re: Oh, the drama...

JJ89 — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 22:39:33 GMT

AmericanHousewife:
I know for 100% certainty that if I was talking about girls, no one would notice, in fact the post would make lots of people feel better and they would get on with their day. So for that double standard we can end the conversation about my posts right here. From now on just respond to the OP instead of furthering the hypocrisy that is so prevalent.

And you are 100% wrong. Why? First of all people would notice and it def help those who have GD in having a girl and have them see that having a daughter is a wonderful thing, same with a son too. You are welcome to post here and as of now I don't think you are a troll, just misunderstanding because this forum seems to have more Boy GD than Girl and therefore, and therefore there are more boy moms. I'm sure you are a great mom, or I hope so at least, and I'm sure all of your kids are great no matter hard they can be.

Re: Oh, the drama...

Myloves — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 11:12:24 GMT

Re: Oh, the drama...

AmericanHousewife — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 10:58:41 GMT

I know for 100% certainty that if I was talking about girls, no one would notice, in fact the post would make lots of people feel better and they would get on with their day. So for that double standard we can end the conversation about my posts right here. From now on just respond to the OP instead of furthering the hypocrisy that is so prevalent.

Re: Oh, the drama...

love2run — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 10:28:57 GMT

AmericanHousewife:
Everything I recounted was true experiences to show the OP that she shouldn't feed into stereotypes.This isn't negativity...its reality. What's wrong with that? Just as girls can be active and sporty and not be girly and want to wear dresses, boys can be full of drama. This is a GD forum so everyone who complains of GD doesn't like their sons/daughters that they have GD with? And how irresponsible can one be to show preference? Preferring a gender does not mean preferring a child. Why don't you ask the OP whether she doesn't like her girls? Whether if she has a son she would prefer him? The double standards on here are reprehensible. Every time someone complains that their boys will leave them/will be too wild you have plenty of girl moms chiming in with the fact that there really is no difference between the two genders. Which is good because it is the reality. So why don't you ask them whether they prefer their sons? Ah, because talk about the reality with girls its okay but definitely not the other way around.

I'm sorry, I have to agree with Serenity on this - and I'm glad a PP mom said it otherwise it would be a boy mom issue, yet again. AH, I totally get that you want to defend girls and it's good that you do, as with so many boy moms on here, it could get one-sided... Perhaps you don't mean to do it, but your posts tend to read anti-boy, and this particular one, you've upped the drama quotient quite a bit and wound up bashing boys - other boy moms said their boys or nephews do that too, but their posts weren't quite as negative...

I still remember your first post, a long list about why girls are so fabulous, in response to a post by a mom suffering with GD over 4 boys who wrote a list first about why boys rock. The list offended so many people that people actually thought you were a troll, coming on to deliberately stir things up... your list wasn't written from a GD perspective, ie, "I'm sad I got girls but here's the things that make me feel better about it." rather it was written from a girl preference perspective and that's why so many posters had issues with it...

All that aside, we're supposed to be a supportive open forum here. So I'll try to support the OP. And that's this - all kids have drama. One of my twin boys is a total drama queen and the other one so mellow and laid back and easygoing. But I have found ways to diffuse the drama when I can (distract, distract, distract) and he is more manageable these days. My boys do fight and are much more physical than I imagine girls are but they are NOT "mean boys". They do fight over which character they want to be but have managed to agree that they can both be the same character and avoid it degenerating into an argument (they've figured this out on their own). I have observed MEAN BOYS with my nephews - they are horrible to my other nephew, call him names, won't let him play, etc. - but honestly, i think that's because my sister (of the two boys) is a crap mother. She never disciplines her boys, never tells them what is right from wrong, what's acceptable or not. And when she attempts to, it comes out weak and wishy-washy.

So my advice would be to try to do something about it -intervene in a way that shows them the way you want them to behave. Maybe don't ban Cinderella but sit through it with them and talk about which person they want to be and why and tell them they can be anyone BUT cinderella...... I think of my sons' school, an excellent pre- primary school with a renowned educational specialist at the head. She has told us, repeatedly, that girls at the age of 4-6 fight, but tend to "wound with words" (because their verbal skills are superior, they will make fun of girls for being fat or wearing an ugly dress, etc.). Boys on the other hand, tend to wound with fists, and are more like "puppy dogs" trying to figure out dominance. As parents, our job is to limit the excesses of this behaviour, and guide them towards better behaviour, within your standards of good behaviour and respect to others. If you are having issues with your daughters behaving in a way you don't like, you need to figure out how to stop the drama. Read books about raising girls, go on websites, talk to the school teachers and others for some advice; I think all kids give us issues, one way or another, and that's why parenting is such an important task and why it's important to feel as though you are not in it alone..

Finally on a personal note, I was the youngest of 3 girls (my baby sister and baby brother were born 10 years later so really grew up as the youngest of 3) and the "mean girls' stuff started when I was 10 and my sisters 11 and 12. They were HORRIBLE and MEAN to me (and I was a prissy little goody 2 shoes so probably deserved it!). My parents didn't intervene, they had an attitude of letting us work it out for ourselves. And I think a little intervention could have helped and maybe could have gotten us through the phase a bit faster......

Best of luck to you!

Re: Oh, the drama...

JJ89 — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 00:39:07 GMT

AmericanHousewife:
While I understand what you are getting at... remember that this forum is NOT representative of the general population. Girls are not preferred overall in the West. In a recent survey done, Men majorly preferred boys and women only slightly preferred girls. JJ89, you of all people should understand this coming from a country that does horrendous things to its baby girls. And Serenity, there are plenty of people here to defend boys since most of the moms here have so many of them. I defend my girls because I've always felt that they aren't the preferred sex in many cases and also because so many people on here don't have girls and defending girls can only be done by someone who has them.

I'm only talking from personal experience as you are through yours. I said it's LIKE as if girls were the prized position, not that they actually are. Where I am from, it's always girls that are wanted more and ppl can pity you for having sons, even one sadly. I only said why some moms, like Serenity maybe saddened by your comment so that you can understand why it appears they are jumping at your comments. They don't mean it on purpose, but some of the things ppl have said on here before were so harsh towards having boys. It can hurt, that's why they are being defensive, and you should understand that. If you think they are misinterpreting it, just say so. And yes I'm from an Asian country where girls are devalued...and yes we need to defend them. But that does not mean I should not defend boys if I see them being considered less in some areas. I support equality for baby girls all the way there in the East, and it's so refreshing to hear when a Chinese or anyone else talks about their daughter and how it's lovely to have one. I would even love to adopt one and raise her to show that girls in East are full of worth as the preferred boys or those who despise girls, so that it'll kick them in the face later on. I'm all in for boys and girls. I'm sure all IG people here would defend girls if this was relating to that situation, even if they don't have a daughter. And so I disagree that you can only defend a certain gender if you have. I don't have kids, but I've watched little kids before and was able to experience caring for a child, and they are all the same to me, with different personalities, and therefore I defend both boys and girls when needed. And also, even though there are many boy moms that defend boys, there are many who got their DG daughter and defend girls as well..even those without a daughter do so too. Why? Because they are all the same and have their pros and cons. So it does not mean that because there are many boy moms defending doesn't mean you don't have to. Yes you have daughters and yes it's great we have ppl to defend them and show that whatever stereotype there is can happen with boys and it's true. But since you have a son too, you can talk great things about your son when someone wants to know the positives about having a boy. I'm sure he has his great moments too though he maybe difficult to handle as you write. I have to be honest and agree with Serenity that you don't do that and it can make it seem like you love your girls more than your boy. Even if he can be difficult to handle that doesn't mean he doesn't have a loving side on his part. Btw, he's just a toddler isn't he?

Re: Oh, the drama...

AmericanHousewife — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:52:52 GMT

While I understand what you are getting at... remember that this forum is NOT representative of the general population. Girls are not preferred overall in the West. In a recent survey done, Men majorly preferred boys and women only slightly preferred girls. JJ89, you of all people should understand this coming from a country that does horrendous things to its baby girls. And Serenity, there are plenty of people here to defend boys since most of the moms here have so many of them. I defend my girls because I've always felt that they aren't the preferred sex in many cases and also because so many people on here don't have girls and defending girls can only be done by someone who has them.

Re: Oh, the drama...

Serenity — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:37:40 GMT

JJ89:
AmericanHousewife:
So why don't you ask them whether they prefer their sons? Ah, because talk about the reality with girls its okay but definitely not the other way around.
While what you said is true, the reason for that is because in the past there has been tons of boy bashing before due to trolls and sometimes ignorance..so that's why boy moms appear to be more defensive because some of the comments made makes it seem their boys that they love so much and boys in general are considered "less". It should not be like that with any gender, but honestly here in the West it's like girls are prized ones of all.

This is true!

Re: Oh, the drama...

Serenity — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:36:33 GMT

Oh I definitely dont like negative stereotypes about girls either. I have a daughter and hate when nasty things are said about girls. I have just noticed you ONLY defend girls and chime in on the positives about girls but never ever boys. I find that sad because you have a son. Dont you feel the need to defend boys too since you have one yourself?

Re: Oh, the drama...

JJ89 — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:35:15 GMT

AmericanHousewife:
So why don't you ask them whether they prefer their sons? Ah, because talk about the reality with girls its okay but definitely not the other way around.

While what you said is true, the reason for that is because in the past there has been tons of boy bashing before due to trolls and sometimes ignorance..so that's why boy moms appear to be more defensive because some of the comments made makes it seem their boys that they love so much and boys in general are considered "less". It should not be like that with any gender, but honestly here in the West it's like girls are prized ones of all.

Eribeck, it's normal among kids, I mean what else would you expect from a 3 and 6 year old? They all are lke that sometimes lol.

Re: Oh, the drama...

AmericanHousewife — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 22:24:26 GMT

Everything I recounted was true experiences to show the OP that she shouldn't feed into stereotypes.This isn't negativity...its reality. What's wrong with that? Just as girls can be active and sporty and not be girly and want to wear dresses, boys can be full of drama. This is a GD forum so everyone who complains of GD doesn't like their sons/daughters that they have GD with? And how irresponsible can one be to show preference? Preferring a gender does not mean preferring a child. Why don't you ask the OP whether she doesn't like her girls? Whether if she has a son she would prefer him? The double standards on here are reprehensible. Every time someone complains that their boys will leave them/will be too wild you have plenty of girl moms chiming in with the fact that there really is no difference between the two genders. Which is good because it is the reality. So why don't you ask them whether they prefer their sons? Ah, because talk about the reality with girls its okay but definitely not the other way around.

Re: Oh, the drama...

Serenity — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 20:34:05 GMT

AmericanHousewife:
If you put a bunch of boys together you'll get the exact same thing...only that it will be more physical. When my son plays with my nephews if he doesn't get what he wants...its a straight lunge to hit, punch or push. I think that if you try to classify your childrens' behavior to fit stereotypes there's always something to find. When boys do the same things its just "boys being boys" but if girls do it its "drama" and this and that. Steer clear of stereotypes and you'll find that all kids do the same things and it has more to do with your classifications because you try to find a justification for your kids behavior.

Oh and the teenage stereotype results because most teen boys are granted greater freedoms to leave the house. How can a moody teenager annoy you if they are never at home? Just grant your girls the same freedoms and you'll see that they'll be wonderful teenagers. I have to say my sister and I were a thousand times more easier than my cousin boys who were getting into all sorts of things. Drinking, ruining cars, vandalizing the school and doing just plan stupid things, my aunt nearly had a mental breakdown dealing with all their problems!

And boys can definitely be extremely mean. I remember how when my son cried for some reason my nephews were whispering secretly and excluding him from their games because he was a "stupid cry baby" and they were"big boys". Boys can be extremely mean and catty, only that they get away with it more often than not.

You really dont like boys do you! Every post you have is negative toward boys and its sad because you have a son! Do you outwardly show him your preference to girls?

Re: Oh, the drama...

laninademisojos — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 13:24:33 GMT

byebeautiful:
My youngest son always ends up being the charector they do not favor, lol. They even fight over who gets to help me or little things like who gets their teeth brushed first. If i ask one to do something like turn off the TV, ill ask one and the other will run by the other and do it before the one i asked can do it and then they'll say "HA HA! I DID IT!" So i think its just the sage!

Same scenario with 6 and almost 4 yr. old. My DS1 has me concerned lately at how mean he is about every little thing!! And everyday its a different character . We went to see kung fu panda 2 and my poor DS2 wanted to be the tigress ( he was basing his decision on how awesome she is) and the older one started laughing and saying "ooohhhh....he wants to be a girly girl" and the younger started screaming. Then it was Thor.....and believe it or not a few mobnths ago fighting over who was Nacho Libre . Its like this in all families ... I think ?

Re: Oh, the drama...

AmericanHousewife — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 13:11:17 GMT

If you put a bunch of boys together you'll get the exact same thing...only that it will be more physical. When my son plays with my nephews if he doesn't get what he wants...its a straight lunge to hit, punch or push. I think that if you try to classify your childrens' behavior to fit stereotypes there's always something to find. When boys do the same things its just "boys being boys" but if girls do it its "drama" and this and that. Steer clear of stereotypes and you'll find that all kids do the same things and it has more to do with your classifications because you try to find a justification for your kids behavior.

Oh and the teenage stereotype results because most teen boys are granted greater freedoms to leave the house. How can a moody teenager annoy you if they are never at home? Just grant your girls the same freedoms and you'll see that they'll be wonderful teenagers. I have to say my sister and I were a thousand times more easier than my cousin boys who were getting into all sorts of things. Drinking, ruining cars, vandalizing the school and doing just plan stupid things, my aunt nearly had a mental breakdown dealing with all their problems!

And boys can definitely be extremely mean. I remember how when my son cried for some reason my nephews were whispering secretly and excluding him from their games because he was a "stupid cry baby" and they were"big boys". Boys can be extremely mean and catty, only that they get away with it more often than not.