Rising Above Gender Disappointment

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

AMandN — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 11:36:53 GMT

Yesterday, after a year of ttc naturally with TBM and other swaying, two other failed dd attempts, and 2 rounds of IVF, I learned that I'm pg with ds#4. I still can't believe it. When I got pg with this one, which seemed miraculous since I'm 41 now after all of that. It took 2 years to get dh to agree to a 4th so I could try for my dd dream again.......

I am in the deepest throes of GD. I'm glad to know now it is a "he" but it hurts.

Thanks for your post. I hope to reach your place of calm soon.

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

jax_mommy — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 22:50:10 GMT

I loved this part -- as I came to the same EXACT realization yesterday after finding out #2 (and our last) would be another DS.

I love the little girl clothes and mourn I can't buy them. BUT I don't LOVE the girl clothes after the age of 5. My nieces are all 7 and above and not one of them wore a sweet christmas dress. More like tight leggings and sweaters - smaller versions of what I wear. Black, purple, grey, magenta. So not enticing like the little girl clothes!

Also, all I have to do is drive by a middle/high school these days and see how absolutely trashy some girls dress, which also makes me realize you can only dress them for so long anyway and the clothes after 4-5 years old aren't that great!

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

love2run — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 06:27:11 GMT

Thanks lucky09! I don't want to give the false impression - I probably bug my husband every other day about PGD/IVF or adoption but it's more of a "it would nice if we could consider" and knowing the answer is probably NO.

You know what though? it really does get easier. yesterday I was getting together with a friend who has one little girl (who I used to covet, now not so much anymore). Four other girl moms showed up and I was starting to have a panic attack (especially since we were at an art studio/girlie dress up place though they did have lots of costumes for the boys as well.) Anyway, I like the moms all very much and we settled in for the usual gossip and chit chat. The children all trooped off to paint hearts and the twins came back frequently asking me what colors did Mommy want her heart to be, could mommy keep the big one (there was a little one and big one) because that was how much her boys loved her, etc.. The other moms were just dying and said, "let me guess they also tell you how beautiful you are". I said sure, and then they all went on an on about how much they wished their girls would do that.. and one mom, who has 2 gorgeous little girls and just had a baby boy, settled in very happily and said, 'ooh I just can't wait til my baby gets bigger so he can say things like that...". It made me realize yet again that both genders are pretty special and one is not better than the other.. sure it would be wonderful to have a few of each but well, for some of us that's just not going to happen...

I think also what helps is working through these things mentally and making yourself strong so that people's comments don't floor you or wound you.. Some woman who has only girls makes a derisive remark about superheroes ("honestly darling I don't understand spiderman either and why anyone would want to dress up like one") well, maybe you could point out gently, "yes this whole superhero thing is crazy but as far as role models go, I kind of like the whole action man, righting wrong, fighting evil... what do princesses actually DO anyway?" and then the mothers go into this whole defensive posturing that they don't actually encourage their daughters to be princesses, it's just what they like, etc. etc. EXACTLY. I don't encourage my boys to dress up as spiderman or ben 10 or buzz lightyear, but it makes them happy. same thing with some of the girls and their princess gear. why do we need to judge? kids are kids. they'll dress up and pretend to be other people and who are we to judge that princesses are lovely and sweet and superheroes are sweaty and gross? ...)

hang in there. this board has its drawbacks - I still find myself drawn into the drama and still fantasize a bit about going HT, but for now.. I'm loving my boys and know that the more I stay away from my girl dream, the more I can love them without any "what if's" or bitterness....

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

lucky09 — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 02:57:10 GMT

Hi... I am a frequent lurker on this site. I don't post too often but definitely remember you because I was also due with a DS in September 2010 (my second DS) and had major GD.

I just wanted to thank you for putting so much of yourself out there. It really helps me to read about other people who are going through the same thing. It is so nice to read that it does get better. Going to start embracing the reality that I have...

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

love2run — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 07:40:27 GMT

HI Snowbunny - Your message made ME cry!

do you know the funniest thing, after I wrote it, I swear to you that my relationship with my twin boys changed. for the better. I really put the "I want a girl" feeling or thought right out of my mind, and I started embracing them again and tried very hard to not resent when they were acting up (and thinking, "if I had girls they wouldn't do this..") And whenever the topic of families come up I tell my boys how lucky their mommy is, because everyone else we know has one boy or two boys or 2 boys and 1 girl, or 3 girls and 1 boy, but we are the ONLY family we know that has three boys.

Funny thing is, I am actually starting to believe it....

xxx

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

Snowbunny1925 — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 22:27:12 GMT

That made me cry...comforting tears. You are so right about so many things. I get so caught up in the here and now, and why having all these boys and not just one girl is sucky, that I fail to look into the future and all the positive things that are coming my way. it's a hard dream to let go of, but your story is very inspirational. Thank you, from one boy mom to another :)

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

JJLove — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 09:27:03 GMT

i too focus more on my girly side and as for the grandma side my boys are very close to my hubbys mother as am i in fact i consider her a friend and we do heaps of stuff together i do love my mum as do my boys but due to histroy we tend keep a distance... my MIL is the best dont no if its cause she too is an all boy mum

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

JJLove — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 09:26:56 GMT

i too focus more on m girly side and as for the grandma side my boys are very close to my hubbys mother as am i in fact i consider her a friend and we do heaps of stuff together i do love my mum as do my boys but due to histroy we tend keep a distance... my MIL is the best dont no if its cause she too is an all boy mum

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

love2run — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 05:34:54 GMT

Hi Janan - I think you are right - those things do help... a lot! I actually have gotten to know the superheroes, how they came about, what they do, what they wear and I enjoy watching the boys pretend to be superheroes! (and I actually like watching Ben 10. how strange is that?) When I'm mopey about a girl, I think of the fights over the tv and how she'd always lose out and it makes me feel a bit better. (of course it would be SO cute to have a rough and tumble little girl who knows the Ben 10 characters better than the Disney Princesses, if you know what I mean.)

I guess I really look at it as giving me more opportunities to expand myself beyond what I'd have if I had gotten my dream gender. I think back to when I was in my truly single state, what I did every weekend. I would go for a run or the gym, meet friends for lunch, drink wine, get pedicures, go to the movies, but mostly - go shopping. Whenever I was dating, I would try to do more things that would interest the guy - you know, go for a hike or a bike ride, watch a sports game at a bar, drink beer, and found that if the company was good, I actually enjoyed those activities. (I draw the line at fishing though. oh my what a boring activity!!) Having boys is a bit like that..

And then there's my lazy self. Whenever I feel left out of the boys' fun and games and DH is getting rough and tumble with them on the floor or in the garden, instead of saying, "oh poor me I wish I had a girl to go do something girly with" I try to look on the bright side - if I HAD a girl, then I'd feel compelled to go have some "quality time" with her, and my quality, kid-free time would be gone. I envision a future where I drop the boys and DH off at a sport match and I zoot over the mall and obsess over whether this pair of pants makes my bottom look too big! Or, as I pointed out in my original post, one of my boys really loves theater and live shows - maybe he'll still love this even when he's older and that can be our special thing to do together...

I read it here before but I think so much of the GD comes from society and its expectations over the "perfect" family. Complete strangers saying, "bless you," or "you must be so busy", "you are going to go to heaven for raising all of those boys" (what if you have girls, you don't get an automatic pass to Heaven? honestly!), and that "poor you" coming out in their tone. Girls starting school and getting dresses and and pleated skirts and sweaters and tights and hair bows and boys getting a tee shirt and a pair of shorts! (I live where uniforms are compulsory, both public and private school..) stores that stock 3/4 of the floor with girl clothes and a tiny section of boring boy clothes, etc. All of that seems grossly unfair.. but that's life I guess.

None of this means that I don't still want a girl, but I find talking to myself about these things helps a lot... whatever it takes, right?

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

janan — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 01:40:43 GMT

Something that helped me a lot is seeing how well my baby boy fits in with my older two. I have a 5yo, almost 4yo, and a just-turned-1yo. Sometimes I think about how if I'd had a girl, she may have been an "outsider" to my 2 older boys. There are only 21 months between my oldest 2, and I wonder how hard it would have been to "fit in" with 2 older brothers so close in age, and being a girl. My little guy now grabs right onto their toys and has embraced the "all boy" cliche right off the bat. While I would have LOVED to go to places like "Disney Princesses On Ice" I think about how the boys wouldn't have been into doing any of that stuff.

I also love the close bond dh has to his boys. While I think he would have loved a girl too, I think he finds it easier to bond with boys. He loves spending time doing with them the things his dad never "had time" to do with him as a child. DH builds them things, teaches them things, etc, and it's very touching to watch how he interacts with them and is already teaching them so much about being a man. Of course, this means I get stuck doing thingsthat don't really interest me that much, but I think it's easier for me to 'get into" the things they're doing than it would be for DH to get into Barbies.

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

love2run — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 09:00:04 GMT

You know what the maddening thing about HT is? It's so tantalizing out there - as a possibility, a "sure thing" to getting your DG. But as the previous poster pointed out, it doesn't work for everyone.. and it's hardly a sure thing (especially for me as I approach 40). That said, I envy those who did it - and had success or failure - because at least you know you did everything you could to get your girl (or boy.)

The other thing - maybe because a girl is so elusive, I actually can't even picture a girl in my family. When I was pregnant I could, but now that it's behind me, it's harder and harder to conceptualize...

thanks again everyone for weighing in!

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

JoshOllie&Cruz — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 18:32:40 GMT

what a brilliant post xx

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

BabiesRBlessings — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 18:12:26 GMT

love2run:
"Embrace the life you have, not the life you THINK you should have."

I just wrote a long reply, and it got erased by the monkeys....

anyways, thank you so much for this! I am taking this quote and running with it~

Take care...

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

hellsyeah! — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 17:41:21 GMT

Re: Mom of 3 boys - what's helped me

love2run — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 13:37:43 GMT

thanks everyone for your nice comments. I agree, sunshine and showers, it would be useful to get one long thread filled with ideas of things to help - and MORE postings in Rising Above. Any bit of encouragement would be SO helpful and keep me away from the other parts of IG....

School's just started again, and I am a little wistful about some of the little girls. Or the baby sisters. But it's not killing me as much as it did last year. So maybe that's some small improvement?

I think in a weird way it's a little easier when your husband says absolutely not, we're not doing HT and we're not having anymore kids. (to be fair to him, he has 3 kids from previous marriage so now we have 6 all together. and that IS alot...). It might be harder if there was still a possiblity to go for the girl. Dunno.

All I know is I have my hands totally full now with a 4 month old and twin 4 years old. I'm signing up for lots of activities to keep me busier at the boys' school, and trying to get back into my consulting work, plus getting back into shape again.. I figure the more time I spend doing things and the less time I spend thinking about things, the better off I will be. Here's hoping it works!