Tell Me Pink or Blue (TMPOB)

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tatiana — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:05:27 GMT

Thanks Jodie and Alyssa! Things are much much better. I'm finally starting to smile, laugh and feel like myself again. I've started going out for dinner with friends again too and its been very good for me. Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and I had a glass of wine (at the suggestion of my OBGYN, believe it or not), and i really enjoyed it! I did not drink at all during my last pregnancy and hadn't had a drink yet in this one either so it was nice. I still have moments when I feel down and disappointed but they are less frequent and not as painful or pronounced. My really bad moments are like the one I had two hours ago in the park when I saw a couple of adorable little girls playing alongside my son. And, this morning, my husband and I took our son to a concert at his music school and there was a mom there holding her little 12 month daughter and I felt a pang of jealousy. I realize now though that I need to face reality; I am not having my little girl so I better get into the boy thing in a big way. Today, I went through my son's old clothes and sorted it out, deciding what t keep for the next one. Of course, I had hoped to give way and donate all his old clothes if we were having a girl, since we were going to stop at two if I was pregnant with a girl... So that was boring and hard but, oh well, I guess it means less shopping which is probably a good thing during this awful recession. No Alyssa, I haven't really started to think about names yet. The baby recently started kicking and I always refer to it as "the baby" or "it moved etc.." I cannot bring myself to say "he" yet. Jodie, I hope you get your girl. I think that ultimately, it's better to know in advance that way there is more time for it to sink in and for acceptance. I know that in my case, I am much better now than I was 2 weeks ago. Finding out at birth could have sent me right into postpartum depression. xo

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jodiehall — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 22:07:03 GMT

Hugs to you, i can totally understand how you feel, and dread feeling the same at my big u/s too. Sometimes i think it's not worth knowing in advance, kwim? other times i think it's better knowing than living in false hope. I'm thinkgin of you, big hugs x

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chloe — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 22:14:51 GMT

Oh, Tatiana, that's so good to hear. I hope each day gets better and I know you will be blown away when you meet your new little man. Have you thought about any names yet. People always say that helps. Continuing to think of you.

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tatiana — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:18:19 GMT

Thanks for thinking of me Mel. I'm slowly starting to feel better. my husband and i were in Boston this past weekend for a wedding and i think it did me some good. the mornings are still the hardest for me and i do still think about it a lot during the day. but at least i am finally able to sleep and eat again so that's a definite improvement! xoxo

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Country Belle — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 20:50:02 GMT

Hi Tatiana,

Just wondering how you're doing. Hope you're managing to come to terms with things and starting to think positively about your baby boy.

Mel xox

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tatiana — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 01:06:56 GMT

Thanks so much everyone. you are all amazing people and i cannot begin to tell you how much your support has helped me and is continuing to help me. In fact, you guys are helping me more than anyone right now, because you feel empathy for me from your own experiences, something that no one in my family or my friends here can do. My mom is even more disappointed than me ; she always wanted a daughter and got me... She told me today that she cannot help me because she feels very sad by the news herself and she even went as far as to tell me that she hates boys! Can you imagine? My husband and I have been fighting bitterly too because although he also would have preferred a girl, he cannot understand the extent of my disappointment and he tells me I need to get my act together for our son's sake (the 22 month old) and him. He tells me I should be happy that the baby is healthy and that we're having a second. Of course I know he's right, health is of utmost importance. But I am so consumed in my disappointment right now that I cannot think as rationally as he. Joy- Your note was very sweet. It's good to hear that your two sons are so close and that the second one is so tender and sweet. Your story of surrogacy is unbelievable. The strength it must have taken to give away your egg donor baby girl! I cannot begin to imagine. I am so happy that you ended up getting your daughter later. You must have had your two sons very young. I am already 33 so I don't have as much time ahead of me. I saw that you are due in March. When? I am due March 3rd. I can't believe you're having a fourth! Even after having your girl. Did you also lose a baby (William) in 2000? That must have been just tragic.. That really woke me up... I keep saying I don't want this baby. In the end, something tragic like that could happen to me and then I will be crippled by guilt for having had these negative feelings now... I loved the picture of your two boys- they are beautiful. Shell- How is Australia? I hear it's beautiful.I really will prey that you're having your boy this time around.... God knows you deserve it. Of course it will give me more hope too if I hear that your third is a girl. You'll have to let me know what you did (if you did anything special to get the girl). I can't believe they don't have the technology yet in Australia for Microsort / PGD. I am sure it will come soon. It's fairly new here in the US too. I's nice to hear that your two boys are so close and play so well together. What is the age gap? My boys will be 27 months apart, so I guess that's pretty close because that's a little over two years. So, you're a yoga teacher? I am an avid yoga practitioner- have been practicing for 8 years now. I practiced last time I was pregnant until up to a week before delivery, still doing headstands and full lotus! You're right that health is paramount... Give me your personal e-mail. if you want, send it to me in a private message. Mom2RJ- You're right. It is so much better that I found out now rather than at delivery! That would have sent me right down postpartum depression road and I didn't get that at all with my current son. I knew that I needed to know in advance, so that I could have time to digest it, accept it, as you say. Your home birth story is beautiful. I love that they choose to dress alike sometimes. I've definitely thought about that. I plan to dress them the same for special occasions etc... Matching outfits will be adorable and at least make it more fun (boy clothes are nowhere near as nice as girl clothes). I am glad your sort was 94%, I mean, that's excellent! In all likelihood, it SHOULD work. I share your feelings about IVF. I too don't want to put my body through that, especially when I conceived my son and this one naturally and very easily. IVF is a blessing for people who are having trouble conceiving (it helped two of my friends conceive). But if you don't need to do it, it seems crazy to voluntarily put your body through that ordeal. I also share your concern regarding discarding embryos. I can't wait until my son wakes up in the morning and starts coming to my bed too, telling me he loves me. He's already so loving now and very affectionate. Mel- I cannot begin to imagine what it must have felt like when you found out that your son had a heart problem. I am surprised they did not pick it up at your 18 week scan. I had my full anatomical 18 week scan yesterday which lasted 45 minutes and they checked the heart in detail. I am so happy that his open heart surgery last year went well. That must have been an agonizing ordeal and I am not surprised you have a soft spot for him now. Your experience has really helped put things in perspective for me.... Alyssa- my dear friend who has been supporting me since weeks ago, with constant words of encouragement and who started this whole post! Thank you for your latest message. You are a very kind and good person. I am so happy TMPOB got it wrong for you and that you have that little girl of yours :) xo

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chloe — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:52:58 GMT

Still thinking about you, Tatiana. I hope you can find peace soon. You will love the baby as soon as you see him. and a 1/2 year from now, you will have the whole TMPOB behind you and a beautiful boy it it's place. I continue to think about you and wish I could take away your pain.

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Country Belle — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:24:51 GMT

P.S. I am definitely not going to do TMPOB!!!!!

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Country Belle — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:24:05 GMT

Hi Tatiana,

I'm sorry that you did not hear girl, but I would like to echo what everyone else has said - having 2 boys really is wonderful. I had a slight pang of disappointment when I found out DS2 was another boy (at 18wk scan) but I knew we would have more children so I did not mind too much. When I found out there could be a problem with his heart later in the pregnancy, all thoughts of GD (although I did not know what it was called then) had gone and I just focused on him as a baby, not a gender. He had to have open heart surgery last year, but is fine now. I love him so dearly and am fiercely protective of him - I think we have a stronger bond because of what he went through. I just hope and pray that this baby I am carrying is healthy, and deep down that is all that matters.

Although you feel this bitter disappointment now, you will bond with your baby in time. As a PP said, in years to come you will be posting here about how great it is having 2 boys to help others get over their GD.

Take care,

Mel xox

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom2RJA — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:55:03 GMT

Tatiana:
Mom2RJ- Your story is inspiring to me. I PRAY that feel the same way as you do now some day, although that day seems so far far away and so surreal. It feels like such a long long time away and I am not sure how I will make it to that day

Tatiana, I think that day will come much sooner than you can imagine. I think it's really good you found out now so you can process this before your son is born. I was really sad and cried a lot when I found out. But by the time he was born, I had processed it and put the disappointment behind me (not the longing for a daughter, just the disappointment about this baby). I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. He was born at home in our bathtub, and then we dried off and moved to our bed. We have these incredible photos of him lying there on the bed, less than an hour old, gazing into our eyes. I was just so amazed at the miracle of this incredible little person. I can honestly say I was not thinking about his gender at that point.

I also worried about not being able to love another boy as much as I love my first son. I have to tell you that it is really easy. It just happens. There is enough love to go around and my love for J is just as strong as my love for R. Yes, a girl would be different, but another boy is different too. It was amazing to see ways that they are the same and ways that they are different. I think you said you are an only child, and my only brother is adopted. It has been so amazing for me to watch these biological brothers and to see how they are similar and yet they are totally each their own person. My boys look a lot alike and they really enjoy that (they choose to dress alike sometimes), but their personalities are so different in so many ways. But they are both wonderful personalities. I could never choose one over the other and while I show my love for them in some different ways, the love I feel for both is totally equal. They are truly incredible people.

You asked about my Microsort journey. I did an IUI (artificial insemination) on August 25. I had a 92.99% sort, so almost 93% chance of this baby being a girl. It's still a little nerve-wracking knowing it could be a boy. It's hard to wait 20 weeks to find out, and I'm sure I won't completely believe it until my baby is born. Of course 100% guarantee would be nice, but IVF just wasn't an option for me. I didn't want to put my body through that, and I also couldn't handle the thought of extra embryos. For me personally I could not create more embryos than I'm willing to carry and birth. I want a girl, but I couldn't discard boy embryos that have the potential to be like my two wonderful boys. Of course I hope this baby is a girl, and I will be very disappointed if it isn't, but I know that boy or girl, this baby will be an incredible gift and will find a special place in our family.

Don't worry about making any decisions now about the future. It was really hard for me not knowing if we would ever try for a third child or not, but it took us a long time to make that decision. We weren't ready for a long time, and then all of a sudden we were.

J is five years old now, and lately he has been climbing into my bed when he wakes up in the morning and snuggling with me. Today I woke up to his little arms around me and his little voice saying "I love you, Mommy!" He is truly such a precious gift. I know that someday sooner than you can imagine now you will feel the same way about your little boy.

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shelleyanne — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:08:24 GMT

Tatiana,

Firstly sending you BIG HUGS and some warm Aussie sunshine. Isn't this such a wonderful place for support and comfort hey-these women are all so great. I just know if I hear 'boy number three' am gonna be back on hear with many many tears. If only you all weren't so far away! T-I will send you my personal email (do i just post it on here?) and we can be of support to each other there ok. There is nothing that anyone can say to you right now that will actually make you feel better. But don't worry you will. I watched my two boys playing just before bed time and they were so cute and funny. I thought of you and wished you could see how cute they were and that two boys make such great brothers-especially when such a close age gap. In many ways, it is actually easier now....as they are starting to play with each other really well and require less of my attention. Three I think is manageable. So if you really want a girl-then just do what you need to next time and it will happen. I just wish we had the same technology here in Australia. I now worry if this is a third boy will I try again!But like you, I cannot imagine my life without a girl. I hope in a few weeks I can write to you too and say (that tmbop were wrong) it's a girl and this is how I did it. That might give you more hope too.....but yes those results still linger in the back of my mind). If any consolation too....today taught a yoga class to a group of special needs and it may me realise even more the importance of a healthy baby. So focus on that-your first son and how lucky he will be to have a brother and keeping calm during your pregnancy. Go out and buy some new cute baby boys clothes-stay positive-stay strong.

Love,

Shell x

(14 weeks)

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AirForceWife&MommyX4 — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 05:27:02 GMT

{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know just how you are feeling, I cried right there on the u/s table when I was told my 2nd was a boy...I was upset when our 1st was a boy but dealt with it because I thought, well atleast DH will be happy, but when our 2nd was a boy I felt devistated. For the next month I really wondered if I could love him, I even offered to give the baby to my husbands sister who had been trying to concieve for the past 6 years...I can blame it on hormones or just being young and dumb but if she had accepted I would have handed him away. Now looking back that would have been the biggest mistake of my life...I love him sooooo much words can't describe, he's almost 12 now and is the greatest kid....his older brother has always been all attitude, but he is my love. My boys were about 20 months apart, i'm not sure how old your oldest son is but I bet they will be like my boys, where ever one goes, the other follows.

You can see from my siggy that I went 10 years without a daughter, I even carried a surrogacy baby (not related to me) and had to hand her away and I got to hold in my arms my egg donor baby girl who was my biological daughter and hand her back to her mom...and still I had no daughter, it was a long decade but now looking back I know it all made me stronger, and someday I hope you will look back knowing how lucky you are too.

here's a pic of my boys I snapped at the spur of the moment (just luck they posed for me, it's my favorite pic of my boys) when they were 4 and 6....makes me sad now that they are almost 12 and 13 1/2....those years they fly by so fast, cherrish them while you can.

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tatiana — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 02:27:18 GMT

Hi Everyone, Sorry I've been MIA. I just cried to my husband for an hour and a half straight. I don't think I've ever cried so hard before. I am so down and disappointed. I am so ashamed of how I feel- like I don't even want this child at all. I know that there are people out there who can't even have children. So I feel so selfish and awful to be reacting like this but that is why you women have helped me so much; you understand how I feel and you have been there yourselves. You don't judge me. I don't know how I will ever feel better. I pray that things will get better with time but right now, I just can't imagine how I will ever feel better. I don't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy depressed and miserable but I'm not sure I will ever feel better. How do I digest something like this. True, later I may fall in love with my second baby, the way I fell in love with my first, but it's a long way away until then and I am scared that I may damage the baby inside me if I continue feeling this way. I may also go into early labor if I continue feeling this way. Shell- it seems like you took it very badly too when you had your second son. You say you struggled with it during your whole pregnancy. How did you deal with it? I put a happy face on for my son when I gave him his dinner and bath and put him to bed but then I literally burst into tears minutes after leaving his room. I know he could feel something is up because I just wasn't myself, even though I smiled and played with him. I am so frightened of how my emotional state may affect him and I don't want him to be impacted negatively by this at all. I adore him more than anything and he is my little angel. How did you manage Shell? What did you do to get better and to be able to enjoy your firstborn? I need some serious advice. Let's definitely be support buddies. How many weeks are you right now? What did TMPOB say? Alyssa- Thanks so much honey for all your amazing support and for thinking of me all day. You are a sweetheart. I am so happy that TMPOB was wrong for you and you got your girl. At least some people do get what they want. I have an acquaintance who just gave birth to a girl a week ago and she's pissed because she wanted a boy (she already has one boy)! She thinks girls suck and boys are cooler! Can you imagine? And I have another friend who already has a boy (my son and hers are 3 weeks apart), and she too is pregnant again, with a girl this time, and she too preferred a boy! It's so hard for me to be around her right now because she has what I wanted and she's not even happy about it! Mom2RJ- Your story is inspiring to me. I PRAY that feel the same way as you do now some day, although that day seems so far far away and so surreal. It feels like such a long long time away and I am not sure how I will make it to that day. The road seems so long and hard right now. I do adore my 22 month old son- never thought I could love a child this much- but I just cannot imagine loving a boy more than him. Loving a girl as much seemed plausible- it would be different afterall, a girl.... And I never wanted a boy to begin with but I fell madly in love with my son. But having a second boy? It just seems crazy. It was already a miracle that I was able to love any boy this much. I don't think I can do it again. You and I share the no sister predicament so the need for a daughter for us is even more pronounced. When did you do microsort? You did it via artificial insemination, right? When do you find out? I will pray hard fort you and keep my fingers crossed that it's a girl. My therapist told me it's 91% and that I should do PGD instead because it's 100% but why go through in vitro if I don't have to.... I don't even know if I have the energy to anything again anyway. I always just wanted one child- one girl, that's it. Because my first is a boy, I decided to go for a second- only to get the girl. Two children was the max for me. I don't know if I can do 3.... Thanks everyone, for your support, kind words, love. I just got over a cold that lasted for 3 weeks (I got sick just when I got the TMPOB results- it literally made me sick). I hope the cold does not come back now. What's more, I haven't slept in 3 weeks. I am emotionally and physically drained. I hoped I'd hear girl today so that i could sleep tonight. I wonder when I will ever sleep again... Tatiana xoxo

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom2RJA — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:38:47 GMT

Tatiana, I'm so sorry you didn't get the news you hoped for today. I was right where you are five years ago, devastated to hear that I was having a second boy. I just want to tell you that I can't imagine my life without my second son. He is the sweetest, most loving child. He lights up my days and there is no way I could love any girl more than I love him. My two boys are such good buddies, and I'm so glad that they each have a brother. Like you I always longed for a sister (I have one brother), and I think that is part of my incredible desire for a daughter. I am so glad I was able to give my boys that relationship that I always wanted and never had. I still have that deep longing for a girl, and I am currently pregnant after MS/IUI and really hoping this one is my daughter. But I am so happy that I have my two boys and that they are close in age. I wouldn't trade either one of them for all the girls in the world.

Re: TATIANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chloe — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:30:39 GMT

oh, Shelleyanne, tell me how far along you are again?