Does anyone elses' DH give you crap like this?

I've been down in the dumps on and off since my high-tech BFN last month, and now that we've pushed back try #2 to late July/early August, it just seems like every day is a thousand years.  And it sucks to see all these pg women, all these BFPs on here, and just be stuck here unable to even try! 

I was complaining about how it's going to take forever today and how I feel unfulfilled and bored and depressed at home, and "D"H, like always, says "well, you chose to have this totally insane dream, you chose to put your life on hold for this."    First of all, is it so insane to desparately want and need ONE freakin' DD?  Second, how does telling me this crap help me in the least?  He says I overthink things and obsess too much, well I'm sorry if I'm smart and I want to try to take charge of my life and plan things to get what I want, I'm sorry if because of that I learned all the factors that go into determining gender and then tried to make everything in our favor for a DD (and found out much was in our favor the first time for a DD) and then when that failed, I learned that we could probably never have a DD naturally in the next decade, if ever.

I resent him so much sometimes.  He says I put my life on hold for this dream of a DD, well, my life has been on hold since I got that first BFP.  We came into parenthood too early by accident, but his life is going exactly the way it would have if we had waited to have kids, nothing has changed for him, but everything is different for me, I'm totally powerless, totally sucking at every single thing I do, totally unfulfilled with very little hope on the horizon, directionless and depressed and embarassed of myself and my life.  I don't even recognize myself anymore, and I hate what I've become.  Meanwhile when I tell him this he's always all like "no, I have it just as bad, I have to deal with an unhappy wife."  BFD! 

Ahimsa_Malozzi:

We came into parenthood too early by accident, but his life is going exactly the way it would have if we had waited to have kids, nothing has changed for him, but everything is different for me, I'm totally powerless, totally sucking at every single thing I do, totally unfulfilled with very little hope on the horizon, directionless and depressed and embarassed of myself and my life. 

 

I am sorry you feel down but in all honesty, wouldnt your daily life be almost exactly the same even with a DD in it?

Wouldnt you still feel powerless, sucking at the routines that you do and that you long for to change?

You have this very strong desire after a daughter, I do know for reading your posts but it should only help

you and make you feel better right away if you could see that having a DD might not be that life altering thing you think it is.

So in some aspects your DH is just being realistic about things but it came out in a way that sounds harsh to you.  

Portia West:

Ahimsa_Malozzi:

We came into parenthood too early by accident, but his life is going exactly the way it would have if we had waited to have kids, nothing has changed for him, but everything is different for me, I'm totally powerless, totally sucking at every single thing I do, totally unfulfilled with very little hope on the horizon, directionless and depressed and embarassed of myself and my life. 

 

I am sorry you feel down but in all honesty, wouldnt your daily life be almost exactly the same even with a DD in it?

You have this very strong desire after a daughter, I do know for reading your posts but it should only help

you and make you feel better right away if you could see that having a DD might not be that life altering thing you think it is.

 

No, for me it would be life-altering, because it would allow me to finally feel like my family is complete and let me plan for my next step.  I don't want to be a SAHM forever, I want to do something else, whether it's law school again or trying to write or whatever, but I could never take the next step unless I felt like my family was complete, because the possibility of never having a DD would gnaw at the back of my mind and prevent me from focusing on career.  I've seen and heard about secondary infertility or waiting too long to have a baby too many times, and I'd be so terrified that if I put this dream on hold for five or more years to focus on career, that I'd come back and not be able to have a baby at all.  Plus I really think it makes more sense to do the whole SAHM thing all at once and then do career, not do career then pause for another stretch of being a SAHM.  But since I don't know when or if I'll ever get a DD, my future is murky, distant, and unplannable.

You seem to be a planner, I get that and it is good to have a focused mind and goals 

But let me tell you from experience - I did go to law school and I had a career for a while

at the fanciest law firm you can ever imagine, but you know what?

If you have children, a child or a few of them and still want to have a balanced family life

you will NOT be as successful as you plan to be, it does not work that way. You will want

to see your kids before they go to sleep right? you will want to hold your hand on their

fofreheads when they have a high fever, and share the moments with them when they

explore the world around you? unless you can say no to all those things, just forget to have

a sucessful career in the law field. I would hate to see someone get as disap. as I got

when I realized that all my hard studies could not pay off cause the law-field has a very

old, narrowminded and patriarchial way of seeing their workforce. My advice - dont go there

it is a hard way to learn this lesson...

When you decide to have children and to be a part of their lives in an active way

there is no switching on "pause" after the maternity leave - it continues for our

childrens childhood and that can be until they leave home at about 18 years old!

So finally I would say have a career, yes, but have it in the "middle field", somewhere

were you still can have time for your loved children. And this kind of career you could

start of right away, working parttime or from your home. Maybe studying would do you

good and let your intellectual capacity working high speed again.

 DHs can be royal asses sometimes. Mine sounds like your's. He would have been happy with one child MANY years down the road. But he got me pregnant 3 months after we were married, perfectly KNOWING I was off that particular bc pill. After we found out about our BFP, he was so upset, and unhappy, and just shocked and sad. It made me feel like sh*t. And then low and behold, he gets a son, and what a blessing to have after not even wanting the baby (He became better after he was born, but still). And then last year, BAM! Another son. Two sons to carry on his name when he was so anti-child for so long. Seems so unfair, allI wanted was one daughter. Now, we're getting her, and I feel very blessed, but this was it for us, boy or girl.

Do you guys have a set limit on how many kids to have? Maybe your DH feels overwhelmed, like he thinks you'll never stop until you have a DD?? Maybe he's just not sensitive enought, too, though. Are you going for a cycle in July because of fertility issues, or is it MicroSort? Just wondering, as I don't know anything about MS/IUI.

Good luck, though, with dealing with him. I have screamed at mine, given the silent treatment, suggested counseling....the works. Its tough, no doubt. I wish nothing but the best for you two, and I hope you get a (pink) BFP in the near future. {pray}

Portia West:

 

So finally I would say have a career, yes, but have it in the "middle field", somewhere

were you still can have time for your loved children. And this kind of career you could

start of right away, working parttime or from your home. Maybe studying would do you

good and let your intellectual capacity working high speed again.

I don't want to do anything that involves me working from the home, half the point of having a career would be me getting out of the house, I'm going crazy at home!  Working part-time I don't think I could really achieve anything worthwhile.  I know about the whole law thing requiring all your time to be successful, for the brief time I was in law school I was having a lot of doubts about it for that reason.  It's just an option I still briefly entertain from time to time.  See, I feel like I can't even think straight about timelines and plans until I have this one thing out of the way and accomplished, because there's no telling when I can start things until a DD happens.

LuvMySonshines:

Do you guys have a set limit on how many kids to have?

Yes, mostly because I've had c-sections for both kids and you know the more c-sections you have the riskier it gets, so we really want to stop at three for now, but also because I don't think I could handle more than three!  And I want to get on with my life!

LuvMySonshines:

  Are you going for a cycle in July because of fertility issues, or is it MicroSort? Just wondering, as I don't know anything about MS/IUI.

 

We're going for a second round of MicroSort.  No fertility issues, thankfully, and it's really best that we're doing it now because we're so young that the chances are really good for us, but of course I'm still pessimistic about it because it did fail for us the first time.

 

I get comments like that from my DH all the time. He is however gonna let me have 1 more go!!

He already has a DD with his smug ex-wife so has absolutely no desire for anymore children & is just doing this for me!

I hope you get your DD but I honestly can see your husband point... I mean he has agreed to go high tech not once but twice. My husband won´t even consider high tech, or maybe I have not really nagged him enough. It is not like he chose for you guys not to have a DD, he is trying all he can do to get you one. some days I feel so selfish for even complaining about not having a DD and why is it that I only have boys but then I see my friend who has tried for 2 yrs, she finally decides to adopt a set of unborn twins (B/G) and they were born early, the little boy died on friday, the little girl is fighting. At this point she doesn´t know if she will bring a baby home. Normally I would have been green in envy, why does someone else get a girl and not I but then I realize the blessing that it was to grow my babies inside of me and deliver them healthy. You are letting this one DD that like you said yourself, you don´t know if you will ever have consume your life, the life of your DH and the children that you do have.

My husband doesn't really give me crap.  He somewhat does though.  He has agreed to go high tech, but he doesn't want to talk about it right now.  He's like this about everything though...doesn't want to talk about the issue until we're right upon it.  This is always difficult for me, because I'm such a planner and love to talk about it.

I'm just having a lot of turmoil right now, just like you are.  A lot of it comes down to thinking how crazy it is to spend so much money and maybe not even get a baby out of it, let alone a daughter.  I'm kind of upset that my husband just doesn't know how to make a daughter with me to begin with, but it seems to be that his family makes mostly boys to begin with (although studies show otherwise).  Another thing is that I want a daughter so bad that it consumes my thoughts.  I come to this site constantly.  I just need to not obsess. 

I didn't really give you any insight, but lease know you're not the only one going through the turmoil. 

My husband doesn't understand why I'm not happy with boy(s), and I think it makes him... I don't know -- insecure, maybe... But, we're going to be done after this baby and boy or girl, that's it, so there are no questions about trying to make the daughter dream a reality for me if this isn't her.

My husband does, however, give me crap about being a stay-at-home-mom.  He knows that I lost my job because I was so sick in my first pregnancy (too small of an organization for FMLA to apply) and it was really, really hard on me, but he just doesn't get why I didn't shoot the baby out and start applying to law firms.  And maybe I should have, but I honestly needed more recovery time (I was much sicker in pregnancy #1 than this one) physically, but even moreso emotionally.  The pregnancy really just, I don't know, wrecked my life.  And I knew that we were going to try for a second child as soon as we could, which would just make all the same problems over again... So, he's irritated that I'm not making a lot of money.  Which is silly anyway -- hello, I worked for a non-profit before!  I guess he sees this as putting my life on hold too.  But what can you do?

They just don't get it -- their lives really seem to function independent of procreating.  I'm sure they worry about paying for the kids and whatever, but it doesn't impact their careers or their friendships or their ability to leave the house or... anything.  They can't understand because it's not their world.

Ahimsa_Malozzi:

"no, I have it just as bad, I have to deal with an unhappy wife."

My husband always tells me that pregnancy is worse on him than me because he has to deal with me being sick.  Oye.  Those hospital visits in the evening must have really sucked!

I feel you 100%.. I'm not going the high tech route (maybe if we don't conceive by the time we buy our house we will) but I hear the same crap from my dh. He knows I want a dd so badly. I've been a sahm (part-time student) since my ds3 was born. My plan was to stay home for about a year, get pregnant again, stay home for another 6 months then get right back to work. I didn't want to find a job then have to quit again because of the baby.I too am having a really hard time doing or dealing with anything other than my "cycle" and ttc. It has taken over my life. I too feel stuck and incomplete. I NEVER expected for it to take this long (we've been ttc for over 1 1/2yrs with 2 m/c.

I really hope that in the end everything works out for all of us whether it be getting our dream ds or dd or rising above GD and feeling "complete".

You know, my DH used to say stuff like that to me, but I basically had to prove to him that it's not just me who has that has these desires, then he was more accommodating...