sorry i've been MIA

hey ladies, I'm so sorry I haven't been online, it has been a really rough week. I've only got 15 minutes before a doc appointment so i'm just gonna give the quick version. Emma was supposed to be off her antibiotics last monday and get to go home after the doctors made their rounds that morning, my DH packed up my desk top computer he had hooked up in my room and all the stuff from the room and we were ready to go and so excited when the doc came in and said she didn't feel comfortable signing Emma out because she hadn't gained enough weight. Nobody told me that the night before when she had gained but only 2 grams that day, she was still under the 10% weight loss which was what we were told was the requirement to take her home. The doctor felt bad but said she didn't want us to have to be re-checked into the hospital in a few days even though I told her I would take that risk and if that is what was needed we would do that, her reasoning was that every scale is different at each pediatritians office and she wanted to keep track of her on the same scale. I offered to bring her back twice a day for a weight check but they refused.

we debated about checking her out AMA, we wanted her home so bad, I had been stuck on level 3 of the hospital for so long, the only time I could leave to go to a different level was when my DH was there but he was at home 99% of the time with our other 3 kids due to nap times and older boys in school so I felt so trapped all the time. Finally we all agreed to have her weight checked again by dinner to see if she would gain 15 grams and they would let her go. So to get her to pack on weight the nurse let her breastfeed for 10 minutes each feeding and then supplimented with formula but they only let her feed at the 10:30 feed and the 1:30 feed, she was due to eat again at 4:30 but they insisted on weighing her at 4 so of course she wasn't gonna gain much in just 2 feedings...after switching her to formula what did it get us. SHE LOST 2 grams! when I saw that I just crumpled to the ground sobbing, seriously I was a wreck. They checked her into the NICU overnight and wouldn't even let me room in with her anymore, saying that babies grow in REM sleep and that I pick her up too much and pat her back while she's sleeping too much and the noise of the other kids were keeping her from growing. The 5 of us drove home and it just felt so wrong not to be taking her with us. I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning rushing back to see if she gained 15 grams but instead them taking her away from me and her siblings and force feeding her formula instead of being at my breast she LOST 11 more grams! I just wanted to scream. I demanded they let me room in with her again and they agreed, although that room my DH couldn't even get the internet hooked up so i've been without a computer since monday that's why I haven't been able to post or read anything about you all.

Finally last night she gained 46 grams, 3 times what they were looking for but they still wouldn't let her go! I asked the nurse to have the doctor call me and they were supposed to come by so my DH and kids waited until 9 p.m. but nobody ever came. It was like they kept changing the rules, telling us what she needed to gain and when she did that they would up the amount they wanted, I just wanted to scream. The next morning they weighed her again and she gained another 30 grams and after the doctors made their rounds they agreed to let her come home!!! I was sooooooooooo excited! we are on our way out to take her to her pediatrian, please pray for me that she is still up what she had gained otherwise they said they are gonna check her back in.

unfortunatly all those days of supplimenting with bottles have made her mouth not form right anymore on my breast. even when I do get her to attatch she is not latched right and only gets 10 minutes of gulping before she delatches so then I have to give her the bottle. I have a hospital grade pump the base is letting me use but the amount i'm getting is going lower and lower and only getting 1/4 an ounce from each breast. I know if they had let us go on monday I would have succeeded at breastfeeding her but now I feel my dream slipping away and don't know what to do. I tried a supplimental feeding device which is like a tube attatched to my breast feeding her while she breastfeeds but she does not like it at all...I know we did what had to be done but I feel like each day she is getting more used to the bottle and less interested in nursing...i'm still pumping every few hours but from Emma not finishing me each time and the pump only getting small amounts my breasts this morning were 1/2 the size...I had gone from a AA to almost a C, now the B cup bras are baggy so I know I don't have enough milk for her. I am taking comfort in the fact that this time my body didn't fail her like all my other children when I didn't make milk, this time I had milk. Even when she was breastfeeding the nurses would come in with a bottle and say it was a written "order" I even said "what are you going to do take away my birthday if I don't put that in her mouth?" it was a constant battle to where they would guilt me into it until I just felt defeated, and now I feel like they have stolen this special experience from me and her....But atleast she is home!!!!

love to you all, i'll get more time to read everyones posts this evening, can't wait to hear how everyone is doing and who else has had their babies!

I'm so glad that you were able to take her home.  I've been thinking about you guys and praying that she was doing better.  Good luck at the dr. 

Oh, Joy, I am so sorry you have been through such an ordeal, and I am so angry at the hospital for doing that to you and Emma. I bet she would be doing better if you had taken her home on Monday, but it's so hard to make a decision to do something AMA. My mom faced that when I was born. She had doctors and nurses standing over her bed basically telling her I might die if she insisted on breastfeeding. They said my life was in her hands. Luckily a friend was coming to visit at that point and yelled at the doctors and nurses and got them to back off. I thought the medical attitude about breastfeeding had changed since 1970, but it sounds like they did just about the same thing to you, and even worse since they actually took your baby away from you.

It is not too late to get your milk supply back and return to breastfeeding. I even know someone who relactated when her baby was four months old and she regretted not breastfeeding. I would urge you to get help from a lactation consultant or La Leche League leader. They can really guide you through this. 

I'm sorry the supplemental feeding device isn't working well. That would be a good solution. The more you can have Emma sucking on you, the better your supply will be. Another way to feed her without bottles is finger feeding. This is what we did with R the first month when he couldn't latch on. Here are instructions: http://www.bflrc.com/newman/breastfeeding/fingfeed.htm

You can do this with pumped milk or formula and it will help train her latch to your breast again. Also, it's very good that you have a hospital grade pump. They are different from consumer grade pumps. Keep pumping even if it doesn't look like you are getting much. The other thing that is really important is to nurse and/or pump during the night. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but your milk-producing hormones are highest during the night and nursing/pumping then will really help increase your supply.

Another thing that can help increase milk supply is the herb fenugreek. It comes in capsules, and for it to work you have to take enough to make your sweat smell like maple syrup.

I'm so glad Emma is home, and I hope things get better for you soon.

I'm glad to hear an update from you, Joy.  I'm happy she's home, praying the doc appt goes well and Baby Emma is gaining weight like a champ!  I'm sorry the bfing didn't turn out the way you wanted, nothing like nurses taking that away from you!  Let us know how the appt went.  Thinking of you both! 

So sorry you are going through all this, Joy.  Praying that the ped appt goes your way!

I am so sorry this has been such a struggle for Emma and for your family.  It must break your heart, but thank goodness she is home. 

My experience has been that the hospital staff (especially the NICU folks) don't realize how valuable breastfeeding is.  Are there any private lactation consultants in your area.  I am a nurse, professional doula, and I also teach childbirth classes.  Many of the couples I work with have had great experiences with some of the private lactation consultants in the area.  We have several who will come to your home.  They are much better than the lactation expert on staff at the hospital (she is often overwhelmed and only there part time anyway). 

The fact that Emma latches on for a little bit of time is very encouraging.  Please don't give up hope.  I think if you worked with a lactation expert one on one you would be able to return to full breastfeeding.   My daughter was born around 4 lbs and nursing was what got us through and helped her gain strength.  She nursed for nearly 2 years.  It was a wonderful special bond we formed (very different than my first son who was bottlefed).   It definitely takes some effort and time, but it is so worth it. 

Heather

It's good to hear that Emma is home finally!  What a frustrating journey for you to finally get here there, and then to have the disappointment of the fading opportunity of breastfeeding.  I hope that somehow you are able to still succeed with it, and that the appt. this morning goes fantastically well! 

Joy, you have both had such a rough time and it is heartbreaking to hear that after your success initially with breastfeeding that it is now becoming problematic.  I find it hard to believe that in this day and age, supposed professionals dealing with the very babies that need the benefits of breastmilk most continue to supplement with formula.

So, to try and offer help, I thought I'd recommend a supplement I have recently started using on Revedebleu's advice.  It is called More Milk Plus from a company called Motherlove.  It contains all the herbs that promote milk production.  It REALLY has worked for me and I have lots more milk now.  They also do another one called More Milk Special Blend which is the same as the MM+ but has Goats Rue as an extra.  Goats Rue promotes breast tissue developmet and is used by women who are adopting or have ha breast surgery.

Have a look at the MotherLove Website www.motherlove.com and maybe give the MM+ or Special blend a try.  It is quite expensive but I think if you get your supply re-established then you could stop using it.

Lots of love and luck to you. xx