Oh boy, and boy, and boy again...

Hi - I'm new to this board but not the the topic unfortunately...I just didn't know there was a name for it and other women just like me with the same feelings. Boy, do I wish I had thought to research this 3+ years ago!

Here is my story. I have two boys and I'm pg with a 3rd. DS#1 is 6 and DS#2 is 3-1/2. I didn't find out the sex with either of them. When DS#1 was born it was instant love (there were a few times in the hospital when I would look over at him in the bassinet and think, "Hmmm, a boy. Huh." but more in a wow, I never imagined I would have one and it was kind of cool b/c of course I would have a DD next, right?). Wrong. When I was pg w/DS#2 everyone talked about it being a girl and I assumed that I would have my DD b/c that was what I had always dreamed of. I had a horrible delivery with him (incomplete anethesia during a scheduled C) so I was in and out of it for a while. DH told me that after they announced it was a boy, I said "Oh, I'm glad (DS#1) will have a brother." before being put completely under. Sadly, I had a really hard time bonding with him - I almost resented him. And who on earth do you admit that to? I would just burst into tears when I got home, partly the typical baby blues and partly b/c we were only having two kids and this was it. At one point DH tried to console one of my breakdowns with "I'm so sorry you didn't have a girl honey." and I went nuts b/c that particular moment I wasn't even thinking about it. He couldn't win for trying. And above all, I felt such guilt b/c I didn't feel that overwhelming love and bond that I did with DS#1. Six months later we were on vacation when my brother called to tell us that my SIL had just delivered a girl (they already had a boy so now they had the perfect life I thought I was going to have). I tried my best to sound happy on the phone but went into the other room and cried when I hung up - DH totally didn't get that at all.

Fast forward a few years and I was finally accepting my life with boys and the fact I would never have my DD. I still looked longingly at the clothes, hair ribbons, the mothers and daughters I would see getting their hair done, shopping, etc. and wonder why I couldn't have that. I have three older brothers, no sisters and not exactly one of those story book relationships with my own mother. I got pg unexpectedly (I'll be 40 in August plus we were "done") in Dec and I just knew it had to be my girl. DS#1 wanted a sister sooo badly too. Well on his 6th birthday I went for my 20 wk u/s alone b/c DH was away. I was so torn about finding out. What an awesome surprise it would be to hear "it's a girl" on delivery day, but how would I cope without being prepared for a boy? I had the tech write it down in an envelope so I could open it w/DH when he got home. On my way to the car there was a couple walking with twin girls - I couldn't resist and opened the envelope when I got in the car. Immediately my stomach kind of churned when I read "Congratulations, it's a boy!!!" I called DH in tears and then had to put on a happy face all day at work. We decided to go ahead and tell people so that I wouldn't have to hear the speculation again for the next 4 months. Most everyone was great with their reaction but it is tough dealing with the "Oh no, another boy, you must be so disappointed." Uh...thanks for reminding me, moron.

Anyway, before this turns into a full novel, I have been using some of the ideas I learned on this board to get excited and bond with DS#3. I bought a little outfit and hung it on my dresser so I see it everyday and I'm working diligently on a name. I'm trying to think ahead of all of the great things about having all boys. One friend said, "Just think, they'll have two best men at their weddings!" and I thought that was nice.

Thanks for listening - I could go on for weeks but thought it would be therapeutic to get some of this down and out into cyber world where others can relate and I won't be judged for my sadness. I hope it won't take me as long to bond w/DS3# (I still have times with #2 that are difficult) and that it won't be years again before I can accept my life w/out my DD.

Hey there and WELCOME!!! You are doing a great service to you and your baby right now in my opinion.  I think that since you KNOW that you are having a boy you can prepare mentally.  This is my 3rd DS growing along inside me right now and I knew that I would want to have some time with the idea before before.  A part of me wanted to wait until birth also...but given that it was so tough for you before, you absolutely are on the RIGHT track.  Definitely keep up the bonding now.  Get used the idea of a sweet little innocent life growing in there. It's tough to comprehend "another boy?!?!?!" but start looking at it this way...

That little baby, boy or girl, was meant to be with you and your family.  You are meant to be with that baby.  I believe that we are all matched up with one another for reasons that are more than likely beyond our comprehension.  Also, my token advice to ANYONE with GD is to learn to seperate the GD from the baby.  Compartmentalize this issue.  The two are TOTALLY different.  I always said that even if we went high tech and we were still meant to have another boy...we would.  91 % is nothing when it's meant to be.  I figured I would be like Maureen and come out with a twin set..one boy and one girl.  You are going to get what you are supposed to...no matter what swaying and so forth that you go through. 

I have posted a few things about the benefits of having all boys and I go back and read it sometimes and it still makes me tear up and smile.  I think it's healthy to do that.  Think about all the AWESOME stuff that comes with boys and how you love them.  Also, a HUGE benefit that you will probably get with this new baby is a better bonded relationship with DS2.  Boys are so sensitive inside...it is really important.  I have a feeling that this new baby's purpose is more than you can see.  Think about the positive impact that the baby can have on those relationships with DS1 and especially DS2...you never know...he might be the one that rewrites the book for you! 

I have learned so much from DS1 and DS2 to that has positively cultivated a bond for each and all of us as we go.  Even little SDS is a blessing for my bonding with my children and children in general.  They are so innocent in the equation that you get raw truth! 

I also posted a thread with ideas that might help.  I think you are on the right track...name the baby, buy clothes, play him music and talk about him OFTEN.  I tell DH when this baby wakes up and goes quiet.  It just brings him here a little more. 

On a side note, ask your DH about his GD...if there is any.  It's a crazy thing, my DH has it...but won't talk about it.  But he does acknowledge it.  It's nice to know that their is an option to lean on each other for support too.  Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.  I know about the boy game and I know that in the end...you and I will both understand it and it will all make sense. 

HUGS!!!

Thanks for the supportive response Kimberly. I am working on compartmentalizing it and it does make a big difference. To hear my sons say they can't wiat for their brother to be born also puts things into perspective. I know there is a reason God chose to send me this baby boy and I can't wait to meet him!

ps - DH has no GD, he is thrilled and I am happy for that.

Welcome!  I can only imagine your disappointment with the high hopes it would have been a girl, but you do sound very positive and like you are working towards seperating GD and baby.  My best advice would be to vent away as much as you can. I find out in a few weeks whether this is boy or girl and I know if it is a girl, I will be crying over here alot.  This place is great for comfort and non judgemental women.  I really like your idea of hanging a baby outfit for you to see every morning.

I really dislike the comments that people feel they have to impose on us.  But, a nice thing to think about is one day you will have three daughter in laws you can spoil. My sister's husband has one brother.  His mom ALWAYS wanted a girl, but never got her girl.  So, she spoils her two daughter in laws with shopping, pedicures, manicures, lunches.  She has a blast with her two DD in laws.

HUGS!
ANGELA

HUGS!!!  I feel your pain in your post.  I am so sorry you are having a tough time.  I really like what your friend said....she sounds like a keeper.  It's nice to know there are friends out there that are not stupid when it comes to this topic.  None of my friends get the whole GD thing.  Someone has started a post on the good thing about same gender families and I think a lot of what the ladies have said are so true.  I personally love dressing my boys in matching outfits.  It never gets old for me.  I hope you will find comfort here.  We are here to listen.....

bluebyblue:

Thanks for the supportive response Kimberly. I am working on compartmentalizing it and it does make a big difference. To hear my sons say they can't wiat for their brother to be born also puts things into perspective. I know there is a reason God chose to send me this baby boy and I can't wait to meet him!

ps - DH has no GD, he is thrilled and I am happy for that.

No problem!  We are all here for you!  I felt SO much better after being able to talk about stuff...and I found that people in general (if they have never had any GD) just don't get it.  This is a safe place.  Just continue to remind yourself that it's in a bigger plane of decision making exisitance and you don't have any control.  It helps a good bit.  You sound like you are a progressive healer and I think that in itself will be GREAT for your boys to learn from you.  I think that some women are selected to make good men.  You are probably one of them!  I like to think of it as a "Testosterone Cultivator" of sorts!!!

You are doing great already!  Keep us posted!

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one disappointed in discovering the sex of my future child. I hunted through the books, and couldn't find any information on this topic. I think it's so important to deal with it before the birth.

I have three boys, and one girl (yes, I do have a girl, so why should I be complaining?) I am divorced, and now live with a fantastic man, who has three boys. That's six boys and one girl in all. We decided to have a child together, to make our family complete. Of course, we were both hoping for a little girl. He doesn't have one, and my daughter feels pretty lonely amongst all those boys!

I learnt this afternoon that this little one is a boy. I feel terrible. Guilty about feeling bad, guilty about not being able to make a girl for my partner. So many feelings. I know I'll get over it, but I think I really need to talk about it to someone.

I don't know if we should tell everyone or not. I know that when I was expecting my third boy, lots of people said "oh, you must be so disapointed"... I don't want that again.

I could see the disappointment on his face, when I told him this evening. He's being great about it, but I know he's secretly very disappointed.

So, we're going to be a family with 7 boys and one girl! Hey, that's not too bad! The dog's a female, too. And there's me. One day, we'll have lots of daughter in laws, and maybe some grand daughters.... just got to get over this horrible feeling of guilt and disappointment. 

Wow Frenchen - your DD will certainly be well protected by 7 brothers! Lucky her and congratulations on your new DS. I am sorry for your disappointment but it is so important that you recognize your feelings and deal with them now. I was relieved to find this board too. It made me feel less crazy and not the bad person I was thinking I was for my disappointment. Our feelings are relative to our individual situation and they do not make us bad people...we really shouldn't feel guilty because we feel sad. What I've learned here (trust me, I'm still having waves of sadness and guilt nonetheless) is to separate my disappointment over never having a DD from the birth of my next son. By wrapping them together, you do cloud the joy and happiness that really is there for your new DS.

One thought in your situation is to share what you have found about GD with your partner so he can work through it too.

Your DD is lucky that you two will have such a special relationship as the only girls in the house and this new little blue bundle will be everyone's little man that they adore and look out for. Good luck and keep reading the other stories here. It really helped me.