Don't know what the *@!& to do...bad words coming out!

Of me!!!  I have been muttering the nastiest things under my breath b/c I am sooooo done with dd!!!

I am soooooooo frustrated and fed up with this crap!!!  Malia is doing the crying hysterically thing EVERY night and nap for a week now.  I have done everything from cry it out to sitting in the floor of her room or even rocking her to sleep.  The instant we are out of sight/sound she goes ballistic.  I mean, sweating, hyperventilating, vomiting crazy.  Today she set a record for 2 hours of crying and I was so fed up I wanted to hurt her...I'm serious.  I just cannot take it anymore...just cannot take it.  Everyone's suggestions are followed by "read this long book" and the kind of reader I am, it would take me a month to read, and I need help now!  I don't know where I went wrong, but clearly I have.  Does anyone have any tips that will keep me from killing her and getting her to sleep on her own?????

Leila

Oh my gosh, Sweetie.  I am so sorry you are feeling like this right now.  I really wish I had some words of encouragement right now.  The only help I can offer is me - on Sunday - to take her for a while so you can get away.  Bill has a golf tourney in Dallas on Monday... if you need me to come, too so I can babysit for a while, I would be more than happy to.  Seriously... let me know.

Lots of beingg sent your way!

I suppose you already tried giving her toys.  Have you tried leaving the door open and sitting just out of her view and talking to her? Or reading a book?  Does she like videos?  Could you put a video on in her room and see if she will cry then?  (I know they say no tv for small kids but desperate times call for desperate measures).  How old is she?  The only cure we had for our screamer was a big girl bed  but she was over one years old.

Awe, thanks girls.  I did the ???? method tonight where I start above her bed saying goodnight and move a little farther away every few minutes.  She freaked out every time I moved until I was out the door and said goodnight through the door.  How desperate is that?  What a weird method I just made up.  It halfway worked, I guess, if "working" is taking 30 minutes to creep out the door and then hearing her cry for 10 minutes after that.  She's asleep now, but I know as soon as she wakes up and realizes she's by herself, she'll freak again.  I have done everything from putting a ton of stuff to keep her occupied in her bed, to nothing at all.  She has fallen off our bed so many times, b/c she has no concept of being up high or falling, so I don't think I can do a big girl bed for her for a long time.  I don't even want to be away from her until it's naptime.  She is really pretty sweet and fun when she's awake, but this freakout thing with going to bed is just breaking me down more than I thought...because she is sooo persistant.  Most kids would give up after an HOUR, but she gets stronger and makes herself sick.  And it just makes me madder and madder the more persistant she is.  I'm so tired!

well my thoughts don't include getting her to sleep on her own but this is what we do, it is sounds like it's pretty much the opposite of your parenting style so take it for what it's worth.

*disclaimer: it is not my intent to disparage anyone's parenting style, this is just my opinion and what has worked well for my 6 kids*

I think separation anxiety  stems from a lack of trust in the parent. Not all children will have separation anxiety, even with the same parenting, many children quickly adapt but others don't.

I am an attachment parent. Meaning my children are with me until they decide to leave. I Carry my babies, wear them in slings, nurse them on demand, sleep with them, rock them and never let them cry unless they are crying because I told them no. I am of the mindset that children are not meant to be independent,  they need the comfort and security of their parents.

The only child I've ever had separation anxiety  with is the one who had to be in daycare at 6months old. None of the other kids react when dh or myself leave. They want a hug and a kiss but they don't cry, or freak out. I've even gone to week long conferences and they don't cry about me being gone. When my oldest was 9 he went to overnight camp without much more than "love ya' mom".

I think the reason for this is because I've always let them make the first step of independence. I've never forced anything and I've always let them change there mind. I think because I always responded to every cry they don't worry that I'm not going to come back or I'm not going to be there when they need me.

 

Without putting you on the defensive.... If you were crying out to someone that you loved that you needed them how would you feel if they kept walking away, or just ignored your cries?

With all that said, there have been times my children have frustrated me. Times where I didn't know how to make them happy, or what they needed, times when I was just plain tired of taking care of them. I can understand the frustration and I think it's much better to let a child cry in their crib than possibly hurt them, but I would take  Carey up on her offer to babysit, spend some time by yourself and think about what is important to you as a parent and what you need to do to be an effective mother and feel good about your relationship with your dd.

I hope you can figure this out for you guys and the tears will stop for both of you! 

I really feel for you Leila, my DS#1 at 1 year old was very similar with sleeping.... it was a nightmare! I got to the point where his day sleep only happened if I went for a drive... & his bedtime was getting later & later. Also he woke heaps in the night & it would take what seemed like hours to get him to lie down again & stop screaming. I was going crazy & felt similar to you.... I even caught myself a few times just screaming back at him..."Just f*%$!*# go to sleep" & felt like shaking him. We had a tiny cottage with no internal doors.... so there was nowhere to escape the noise.

I tried everything. In desperation DH & I decided that our only option was to go back to the 'crying it out' & not allow ourselves to give in. It was the hardest thing we ever did. We decided to just focus on bedtime....went thru the usual rituals & walked out of the room. The next 2 1/2 hours I sat there in tears with DH & I taking turns to tell eachother... don't go in... just another 5 minutes. (we had tried the approach of taking turns to comfort him & walking out again many times already so this time we were'nt allowed to go in) It was horrendous but eventually he fell asleep totally exhausted. When he woke in the night I followed the usual ritual....breastfeeding, patting etc & he eventually went back to sleep.

The next night we steeled ourselves again & the screaming went on for an hour. Again I felt so guilty & horrible... but it was an improvement. The next night it only took 20 minutes & the following only 5 mins screaming. From then on he always had a little cry & then slept.... it was like a MIRACLE! The amazing thing was that then he would settle really quickly & easily from night waking & he started having day sleeps in the cot with only a tiny protest!

He's now 6 & always goes to bed at 7.00 with his brothers with no protest & is a fantastic sleeper. Strangely, I never had a real drama with the others & as they became toddlers they just followed big brothers lead & happily followed him to bed. They never get up.... never a peep!

I don't know if this would work for you... the vomiting makes it so much harder as you can't leave them there to sleep in their own puke. My DS only did this a few times luckily! Just an idea... you need some sanity!

Thinking of you!

Wow - I love the contrast, 6-pack.  I don't have any answers.  For me it depends on the kid.  The first one needed the crib-alone time starting at ~5 months.  The second one is still sleeping between us with his teddy.  We have tried to break him of this, to no avail.  I guess I feel less guilty about this now after Camie's response!  Thanks!   

It must be very frustrating when you dont know what to do. (((((HUGS)))))  I agree with sixpack you should take Carey up her offer.  Please dont take this the wrong way,  if you are thinking of hurting your child you may be suffering from postpatrum depression.  I have had it with 2 of my kids and it is very easily treatable.  I hope you get some rest.

Sounds like she is in a sort of downward spiral with the sleep disruption and she (just like you no doubt) is exhausted and can't even get to sleep if she wanted to.  I'd also take Carey up on her offer.  She'll be more fresh and you can make a beeline to the nearest Starbucks!  I'd get any help from anyone who could just to come in and give you (and Makai) the break you need.   She can't do this forever...even though it seems like every second is a decade.  It will pass...hugs...

I think you may have been unhappy with your Dr but is it worth running her in to make sure there isn't some wierd underlying thing going on with her health?  My ds 2 was a tough cookie and when he had ear infections before he could talk he would throw temper tantrums and BEAT HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR!  It was heartbreaking and I know yours is now also watching her this way.  He was about a week away from a behavioral evaluation when the clouds parted- I know yours will too.

Take care, 

leila- oh hun!!! i am so sorry!!! this is driving you bonkers for sure!! but, i think you have found the solution on your own. i think if you continue the slowly get closer to the door method (without breaking down and giving in to her) that after a few times she will start to get the hang of things again. you can do it! just keep your whits about you.! and if you need to leave her in her crib, put in your ear plugs and have a beer... then do it! as long as malia is safe and you are sane, that is all that matters... a few tears..... or a river full.... really never hurt anyone. this will get better!! oh and just one other thing.... is it possible that this could be teething related??? does she have all her teeth? what about her one year molars? GL sweetie!!! i wish i could be there to support you :)

Leila, is she like this all the time, or is this just an issue with going to sleep?  Is it something to do with you being present, or is there something about her room/crib she's upset about or afraid of?  

Is there any situation where she WILL go to sleep okay?  I am wondering if you can get her to go to sleep somewhere else, like a playpen in another room, even if it is in the family room with the lights out and you on the couch.  If she will, then you know it is not something physically wrong (teething, tummy ache, too hot/cold/scratchy jammies, etc.)  and then you can try to figure out what the problem is from there.
 

I had similar experiences with both of my boys.  Once with DS#2, I left him in his cot and walked up the driveway to get the mail and calmed down!  I did what pirate queen did.  I would have liked to have done what 6pack did, but didn't have the patience or time. 

The same happened with me, the first night, hours of screaming, the 2nd only an hour....etc,etc.

 Whatever you do, keep being consistent, otherwise I think YOU will become more and more stressed and nothing will work.  Choose whichever feels right for you and stick with it.

Leila, I'm sorry for you!!!  I know in a way what you're going through, and it's SO hard...Lucas is doing a similar "act" because I'm trying to wean him from his nighttime nursing.  Last Friday night he was up ALL night..I think he and I got maybe 2 hours of sleep..It was horrible..I know some women will say it's okay to nurse longer etc....but I just can't anymore..He almost bit off one of my nipples (at least it felt like it! ) and I said "That's it!"...My dh and I have been taking turns trying different methods and so far none have worked...I wish I had advice for you..I think the idea someone had of maybe putting a tv in her room with a show she likes might work if you think she'll watch it...keep the volume very low..I wish we lived closer because I would offer to watch her in a heartbeat..You SO need a break, especially with Mitch being going alot..I KNOW what that feels like for sure..It gets to be too much sometimes..My dh has to go away for his training for two weeks next month and I absolutely dread it...I'm praying for you hun!!! Let me know if you want to talk

Love ya!

Erin

Leila, I feel so bad that you're going through such a rough time.  It's almost impossible to get through the day when you're completely exhausted.  I do think I'd get her checked by the doctor.  Just to rule out anything medical.  My kids have had ear infections before with no fever. 

The only other thing that comes to mind is that maybe she's afraid of the dark?  With my oldest son, I draped colored Christmas tree lights all around his room.  It looked like a circus in there, but he loved it and slept great.  Right now, my 3 year old has a nightlight that makes star constelations all over his ceiling.  Maybe you could try some fun lighting of some sort.   

You are a good mom Leila.  You're just a tired mom.  We've all been there.  Do what it takes just to get through this hard time.  When you get the kids in bed for their naps, go take a hot shower (and shut the door so you can't hear).  This too shall pass (and hopefully soon!)

Hugs!   Jill

Leila,

I am SO sorry you ae going through this! I wish I had some words of advice, but hopefully in what the other girls have offered up, you will find something to work for you and Malia. I would definitely take Carey up on her offer-you need a break. Maybe a few hours to yourself will help you clear your head and come back to the situation a little calmer. I really hope you are able to find a resolution to this...and some peace. (((HUGS)))