What to do about boys fighting?

DH is a teacher and gets off work earlier than me.  He gets our oldest (whom he takes to school) and our youngest from the preschool.  Today he told me he almost got into an accident because they were fighting in the back seat and one of them threw something at him.  I know I get very exasperated when they fight but somehow, I think they listen to me more.  (I hate to admit I do yell and my voice gets deep when I want them to listen.  I feel it is the only way to get them to pay attention.)  I don't drive with both of them in the car very often. 

 This morning I took ds2 to preschool and dh said it was so peaceful to only have one.  saying now that he will bring ds1 home, then when I come home, get ds2.  I have told him I will pick up ds2.   DH says - and I agree - it is a shame we should have to, JUST because they fight so bad that DH almost gets into an accident.  When I am in the car I tell them, "Don't distract your driver!  You are risking your own lives!"  They seemed to listen when I am in the car but totally forget when I'm not there.  I think they misbehave, when they are together much worse with DH then me. 

Of course this makes me feel depressed about the idea of another.  I know before dh has said "We can't even handle what we've got!"  So I want to try for treatment to get pregnant - even though I know it probably won't happen - and sorry and sad to say, it would be better not to get pregnant than to have another boy - IF we can't even get them to behave for a car ride.  I mean, I don't want a terrible accident happening because they can't behave.  DH has said he wants to put one in the front seat and doesn't care if it's illegal.  I told him, not to worry about if it's illegal, worry about a car seat that could fatally injure a child in the front seat!  My ds1 is pretty tall for his age, at least 53 inches, maybe more, but I don't feel at all comfortable with him in the front seat. 

Has anyone had this problem, and does anyone have any advice? 

I was just thinking about posting something similar tonight!  I was wondering if I should post it on the "boy zone" forum.  My boys fight/wrestle contantly (well, the older 2- luckily the 11 wk old baby isn't in on it yet).  They don't fight in the car, but we do have a minivan and one's in the way back, the other in the middle with the baby.  When DH drives them in his car, they're next to each other but I don't think they fight.  The only thing I can think of for the car is make sure they have nothing within reach that can be thrown and maybe play some books on tape or music they like to keep them entertained.  Also have a consequence for fighting in the car- the same consequence everytime, such as losing tv for the rest of the day. 

Whenever my boys start tumbling at home, I send them out to the trampoline (with an enclosure net so they can't fall off).  Pretty much anything goes on the trampoline, but I do have to remind the 5 year old that he's much bigger than the 2 year old.  He's learned by trial and error that if he wrestles too rough, his brother cries and the game is over.  It's actually kind of sweet, he's gotten to the point where he fakes getting thrown down by his little brother to keep him interested in the game.  Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath, get a glass of ice tea (or a marquerita) and watch the fight club in my back yard.  I don't mind the playful fighting, it's all the squabbling over toys and tattling on each other that drives me batty...

I'd love to hear what other moms with 2 or more boys do.  Girl moms- is this a boy thing or do sisters fight too??

PS- I forgot to mention that we have "Wrestle-mania" on saturday nights.  DH and I designate a time for us to get in on the wrestling with the boys on the trampoline.  They love it (especially when I wrestle with them) because it's novel and we don't allow them to be rough with us the rest of the week.  I think it helps get them the physical stuff they need and helps me b/c during the week I can say, "you may not jump on my back now, save it for Wrestle-mania" and they listen. 

I stop the car, full on brakes screeching to shock them into quietness.  I turn around and say in my most serious, I am not joking voice, that if they don't stop fighting they will get out of the car and walk home.  I have made DS#1 get out and walk once before, so he knows I'm serious (we followed him in the car of course and unfortunately a few neighbours saw it all happen).  I have also stopped the car when DS#1's friend was screaming and did the same thing with him, the only difference was, I made him get out of the car and I told him that if he kept screaming I would have a smash.  He was very quiet for the rest of the drive home.

As you can see, I take kids misbehaving very seriously in my car because I think driving is hard enough, add a couple of screaming, fighting kids to the mix and it becomes deadly.  Zero tolerance for me!

I have tried the TV thing - for my 4 year old it almost has to be something immediate.  If I threaten the TV he will protest and then it becomes a "It will be two days then" and then his memory doesn't last as long as his bad behavior does.   I also have tried stickers (that would earn rewards such as the dollar store) and bad marks and unfortunately I don't manage to stick with those enough.   I saw a van the other day at the grocery store, when the lady opened the door I saw there were dvd players strapped to the back of each of the front seats.  I know my DH wouldnt want to do that though.   As far as TV, my Dh is sick of Spongebob and the other kids shows anyway.   We also have tried (My dh figured this one out) threatening to call their teachers to give them a time out.  It may not be working anymore since it's not something we want to follow up on.  My oldest will stop what he's doing if I threaten to email his teacher.  I think it's mostly my youngest instigating things but I do sometimes catch my oldest doing something to the younger --- I was "warned" by a three boy mom (her boys are grown) that the older ones can be sneakier. 

I can't wrestle them without a guaranteed trip to the chiropractor (I have neck problems anyway) - my dh will rough up the younger one a little (what I see as rough up) he will grab him and want to squeeze and kiss him but our son protests.  Also since they've been little he will pick them up and say "Kick! Kick!"  and they start kicking their legs.  (The oldest is nearly 70 lbs so he doesn't do that to him anymore!)   He did that his niece once, picked her up and said "Kick!"  (His brother has 2 dds but they live across the world so we dont see them much)  and she had no clue what he was on about!  It's was kind of funny in a way, and kind of sad that even though he doesn't get my GD and doesn't think GD should really ever be in an issue, he had a very boyish way of dealing with a child that a girl couldn't relate to. 

They don't throw things at me, they don't dare. (LOL) One time in the car my youngest hit my oldest with an etch a sketch, so that was no longer allowed in the car.  It's kind of like when we get on the phone, they take advantage of the fact our attention is elsewhere, but this is so much more dangerous!

Kids are going to fight regardless of gender. My sister and I were 23 months apart, and fought like cats and dogs, all the time. We still get in heated arguements, and just did yesterday.

You have 2 or more little people who are forced to be around each other all the time, wether they like the other or not. Of course, there will be fights.

My boys fight, my girl hits the boys, its just inevitable.

 I'd do the chocolate bribery thing.  Positive re-enforcement seems to work better than punishments.  Tell the boys that you have a chocolate (or some other small treat) for both of them if they don't fight during the trip.  Make the first trip you try this on short, so their chances of success are higher.  If one child starts to tease or hits the other, remind them of the treat you have in the front, tell him it is his last warning and if it happens again he won't get the treat.  Then make sure you praise the other child for not hitting/teasing and say that he WILL get his treat if he keeps this up.  If both of them still fight despite the warnings, when you arrive at your destination, eat both boys' chocolates in front of them (and remind them why).  

Chocolate bribery works wonders.  I used it for DS#1 for potty training (when he was 2 and 4 months).  Weining off the chocolate wasn't a problem because eventually he forgot about it as going to the toilet regularly became a habbit over 3-4 weeks (from then on he just did it on his own, most of the time).

When my children used to this I would pull over the car and tell them were not going any where until they stop fighting/arguing.  When we get home I make them go to their rooms for a time out, no tv and no games.  If that still doesn't work I stop giving them desert after dinner and explain to them why.  Next we start doing chores as punishment.  Which can be giving them a garden trash bag and telling them to pick up leaves, pick weeds, a bucket and sponge to wash my walls and my favourite when my DS was 14 he cleaned my oven.  Afterwards I would tell him I wish you would be naughty again so you can clean my oven lol, he only did it the once.  I have made my kids watch Super Nanny a few times aswell, some episodes have shown fighting in cars etc.

Yes,my girls fought in the van when they were younger, but only one of them was physically aggressive, just her personality, I guess.

Like britTK,  I used to pull over too and tell them  'we aren't going anywhere until the arguing stops'. Sometimes I'd just pull over w/o saying a word and then all of a sudden they'd realize we were just sitting on the side of the road and they'd stop fighting () and ask, 'mom, what are you doing???' And I'd tell I am just waiting for you to stop fighting. When it stops, we will carry on.  

I found noticing & complementing my dds on their good behavior before it got bad, went along way too. When they were getting along and behaving well I'd say positive, affirming comments to them about it.

This must be a classical scenario between siblings LOL!

I faught a lot in the backseet of the car with my two sisters, I still rem it very well...

Now I have two sons that fight in the backseet of MY car, and on top of it they

spread out crisps, spill soda and take in sand on the seats all the time.

I have my car on reconditioning 2 times per year to make it remain ok

 - of course I could deny them to eat in the car but for some reason they end up

doing that anyways...

Krissymum

Carla1978:

My sister and I were 23 months apart, and fought like cats and dogs, all the time.

Oh no! I read this thread thinking it might stop me being so rabidly obsessed with having a DS [Tho' really that would take nothing short of a miracle] & maybe more positive about DD2.. but I bet DDs fighting is worse as there's all the squealing/ highpitched screeching!! I know all kids fight - My brother was 7 years older & we also fought like cat & dog - & I always got the blame!- but 2 girls squabbling over clothes, being bitchy, oh lordy...

Thanks Ladies!

I have told them if they are good in the car all next week, I will take them to the $ Store on Saturday.  (My 7 year old pipes up "Target?"  I told him, no, I can't afford that as there is nothing good in there for a $, I would end up spending $40 between the two of them!)  Anyway, I hope this will work. They haven't been there for a while and this is a dry time for gifts, as birthdays are in February and May.  So we'll see...

My boys fight all the time! This is the one thing that I was not prepared to deal with....the CONSTANT fighting. I do think it is siblings in general that do this. When it happens in the car, I have pulled over before and told them that the police will pull MOmmy over and give me a ticket if I am not driving well. They still do fight at times, but they believe me about the police "man" as they say. It is a hard one--the car!

I am right there with you. Mine are 7 and 3, and boy can they fight already!! They are constantly provoking each other, and it always ends with one of them getting hurt and crying, or both of them screaming at each other. I am not good at dealing with this, so at some point just yell louder than they do and shut them up that way. Which is not a good example when we are out and about!!

I am really not sure what to suggest. I wouldn't make special plans to not have them in the car together. They need to learn to behave in the car, period! But how to get it into their little heads? Not sure.

I am on baby #3 now, and sometimes DH does tell me that it's only going to get worse. I don't agree with that statement. What I have found is that DS#1 and DS#2 are very different individuals... They have nothing in common personality wise, and that is a big reason why they argue and fight so much. Since they are 4 years apart, and now DS#2 will be 3.5 years apart with the next one, I just hope that the new baby will have a personality that is more compatible with DS#2 and that the two of them will grow closer and let my eldest some peace at last. He is more into quiet play and prefers to be left alone... His little brother bugging him all the time is what complicates everything. If I can get the little brother to get closer to the baby, then we may have peace in the house in a couple of years.

Or we may not. But we'll just deal with that when the time comes.

I picked up ds2 from preschool yesterday but dh had both of them today and apparently they did fine ... 3 more days of being good and I will owe them a trip to the $ store ... LOL