...and I can't even apologize to the child I've wronged. 

I just came online to check on someone that I'm worried about, and I noticed I had a blog comment on myspace.  I was confused because I don't post blogs there any more - just on my blogspot page.  Well, it was from a sweet IG friend sending me her condolences on my miscarriage...

That blog was written a year ago yesterday. 

Yesterday was the anniversary of losing my baby, and I completely let it slip by!  I can't stop crying right now!!!!  THAT BABY IS NOT FORGOTTEN!!!  I just want to scream:

I'M SORRY!  I LOVE YOU!  I DIDN'T MEAN TO NOT THINK OF YOU YESTERDAY!  I THINK OF YOU ALL OF THE TIME!  I ALWAYS WANTED YOU!!  I'M JUST SO SORRY. I'm so sorry...

Please, lost love of mine... if you can hear the cries of my heart, forgive me.

 If you miss your baby EVERY day then one day of a year is no different than the rest.  I don't remember the date of my miscarriage either, only the month.  It was a very early one at about 9 weeks.  I do often think of the baby and how old s/he would be today...

Oh Carey---you are not, in any stretch, a bad mom!!!  You are a wonderful mom and a huge pillar of support here on IG!!  We all know that you miss your little one--and that sweet angel knows it too!  My heart aches for you right now.   Please, please, please do not for one second think you are a bad mom! (((HUGS))) to you

 honey! you are so far from awful!!!!! your sweet little lost baby knows how much you love him/her. he hears you speak to him. she hears your heart ache for her..... you missing the anniversary probably makes your babe happy that are able to function and continue living. that little angel would be very sad if you were locked in misery for eternity! ((((HUGS)))) please dont beat yourself up! your baby knows you always carry her in your heart! 

 Girl!!!  That baby of yours knows your love never changes no matter what day it is...that is why this day was no different, KWIM?  You miss that baby every day, every minute, regardless.  You are a wonderful mom...I just read your blogspot blog today (bad me!  I didn't comment!) and it was all about how much you love your children and miss them when they are not there!!  Please don't feel so bad, OK?  HUGS to you!!! 

Carey, you're making me cry.  You are not a bad mom!!!  I think sometimes life just takes over and we all forget very important things.  ( ( ( HUGS ) ) ). 

Please do not say or even think you are an awful mom, bc you are NOT. This little baby of yours knows you love him/her and that you will never forget and that matters more than remembering the day....

Big hug to you!

Carey, I agree with OABG in that your little babe would be so happy that your life is busy and full.  Forgive yourself.  There's no need for the baby to forgive you.  You are honoring the baby's memory by being happy!

oh, sweetie, dont beat yourself up.  i agree with all the pps.  you think of your baby all the time.  one day of the year doesnt erase all the others.  you are one of the best moms i have ever met.  your baby knows he/she is loved and missed. 

You are not a bad mom!!  These things happen.  Life gets busy and days pass by.  I don't even know what day it is today.  I know my anniversary is coming up but damn if I know what day it's on right now.  And it's not that I don't love my husband or our life together, it's just I have so much going on right now.  So do you.  You just moved into a new house.  No doubt you are crazy busy with that and probably the myriad of people who want to stop by and see it.  Your baby knows what is in your heart.  No need to explain or apologize. 

Carey, where your little baby is, he or she is not counting the days or watching the calendar, and knows about the love in every corner of your heart.

Oh Carey....I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if I was the poster who made you feel bad. I'm sorry you're feeling so guilty. I have been there and I know how badly you feel.

Just please, please know that I believe, with every fiber of my being, that your sweet baby knows. Knows you and knows your love. That precious little soul is shining brightly in Heaven, where there is no fear, no pain, no anger, no resentment. No passage of time. Patiently waiting until the day that you will meet and you will know each other instantly.

This is a normal progression of life and loss. You're human, Carey. I know how much you feel like you should never forget...but it happens. Of all the women I've worked with, I can't think of a single one who doesn't beat herself up because they forgot a birthday, an aniversary, or other precious moment. It just happens. And it happens to all of us. I promise.

It doesn't mean for a second that you don't love and miss your baby. It most certainly doesn't mean that you're an awful mom. You're a wonderful mom. You carry that child in your heart, everywhere you go and in everything that you do, and you will for eternity. There is no one day, no one occasion or anniversary, that can take that away. Ever.

Your sweet baby knows, every single second of every single day, the love you have and longing you feel. Of that I am completely positive.

Carey,

Your baby hears and knows how you feel.  See, I am a believer that by you going there and seeing that, was your babies way of saying I love you, Mom and I am here always. 

You don't always have to be the first one to think of him/her.  At that very moment, he/she was thinking of you.

I love you, Care.

 Carey, YOU ARE A GREAT MOM.

I agree with all the other posters. Your baby knows you love him/her. One day on the calendar does not change that.

oneadorableboy&girl:

you missing the anniversary probably makes your babe happy that are able to function and continue living.

See - I never thought of it this way.  I just think I'm not honoring him/her if I don't remember.  Thanks, K.

graysmommmy:

 You are honoring the baby's memory by being happy!

And again - I'm glad you girls are helping me to see it this way.  Thank you!

Alligus:

 I'm sorry if I was the poster who made you feel bad.

Alli, honey, YOU did not make me feel bad.  If anything, I'm glad you brought my attention to it all.  I would have felt 10x worse, I think, if it would've been a month later rather than a day later.  And this is really helping me to hear what you all have to say about my not remembering and being happy with my life and kids is in a sense honoring the baby who is not with us.  I've honestly never ever thought about it like that, and getting all of this out and hearing how you girls see it is helping me tremendously!  So, in all reality, I thank you!

nissy:

I am a believer that by you going there and seeing that, was your babies way of saying I love you, Mom and I am here always. 

And, Nissy.  My dear friend.  This made me cry tons of tears just now... tears of joy.  That is DEFINITELY not the way I saw it, and this is the BEST way to see it!  I'm crying again while thinking about it... feeling all warm and fuzzy that maybe, just maybe, that baby - no matter how small; how far away; no matter how much time passes - that baby just may love me.  Thank you, Nissy.  I love you, too.