I am new here, trying to find some support for feeling so guilty. I just had my third son about ten days ago...and can't stop crying. We didn't know the sex of the baby, although I was pretty sure it was another boy from a comment the u/s tech made. I choose to wait to find out because I was afraid I wouldn't enjoy my pregnancy if I knew it was another boy. Despite her comment, I held out hope it was a girl. I adore my first two boys, but always imagined I'd eventually have a girl to fill this void of a mother daughter relationship I never got to have since my mom died of cancer when I was quite young. It's a boy. My husband wanted to only have two kids, but knowing that I wanted another agreed to a third, so there are no more chances for another in my future. I have a necklace with our 'girl' name on it that I bought when I was pregnant the very first time, that I've been hanging on to for 6 years. I now have to throw it away with my dreams of a daughter. How do I get over this so I can move on and enjoy my perfect new little boy before time passes by and its too late for me.

Sometimes pregnancy and postpartum brings up alot of underlying grief.  Do you think maybe it's bringing up some grief over the loss of your mom?  I don't think, for one minute, that you need to get rid of that necklace.  Keep it because it has alot of meaning for you.  This girl, even if imaginary, is still apart of your inner-life as a mom.  It's a dream and why throw away our dreams?  I think for now, you maybe need to just set it aside because your new baby needs you as do your other boys.  I went to see a counselor before my third son was born.  I found out ahead of time it was another boy but we didn't tell anyone else.  I was very sad and found counseling to be very helpful.  You think you might consider talking to a professional to work through the disappointment and grief?  Hugs to you!  It'll get better.  These boys are here to heal your broken heart believe it or not.  It will get better. 

I know how you feel.  I've come to terms with the fact that we may never have a son.  We plan to adopt but I think you really have to grieve the loss of the biological son or daughter that we have always dreamed of.  I scoop all 3 of my chidren in my arms and that usually fills my heart up and makes me forget my sadness for awhile.  It's great your boys will all have eachother to love and play with.  I like reading the posts women write about feeling like the "lady" or "queen" of the house.  Is your husband open to adoption?  I know you are going through some raw emotions right now.  It helped me to start looking into adoption when I had my 3rd child of the same sex...to just give me a little hope.  I'm so sorry though.  There's really nothing I can say  GD is a terrible and lonely feeling, especially when you look around and see everyone else with both a boy and a girl and sometimes 2 of each (this was always my dream)!  Hang in there.  You will get closer to your new son as time goes by. 

 I am so sorry that you are sad.  I agree with the PP in that much of this could be that "post-partum" period bringing out grief from the loss (both of your dream baby girl and your mom).  Plus, all those rampant hormones...  Even in the best of situations they can make you crazy!

I would check into counseling.  There's nothing wrong with talking to someone trained to help you deal with grief.

Do you have any sisters that you are close too?  Or nieces??  I know that probably doesn't help much.  Just thinking that maybe you can be the "cool aunt."  I know it's a far cry from having a daughter.  That's where I am now-trying to embrace that role since I am the mom of all boys...

Hugs to you.

trying4aBOY:

I think you really have to grieve the loss of the biological son or daughter that we have always dreamed of. 

That's what a lot of people don't seem to understand.  I know I would love to have had a boy or two, and then when it never happened I was in a big funk for a long time.  People who get one of each or they get their desired gender really don't seem to realize how bad it can hurt.  I know I would get upset whenever somebody I know would have a boy, or see some cute little boys out shopping with their Moms. Sometimes I would wonder what my son would look like if I had one.  I guess that's my way of grieving.

noboys:

I know I would get upset whenever somebody I know would have a boy, or see some cute little boys out shopping with their Moms. Sometimes I would wonder what my son would look like if I had one. 

Me too, all of those. When I had to travel back from my 'disappointing' U/S after being sooo sure my boy sway had worked, how could it fail?! the only kids on the bus then the train were all little boys, like I didn't feel bad enough already! Since then it's hard to bear seeing families at the shops or even on TV cos' they always have DS, always! How can anyone understand what that's like if they've never had it, never had that pain of having to go without. I'd never even heard of GD 2 years ago & now it's running my life.

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. That must have been very hard, and I can just imagine the void it left in your life. (((HUGS)))

I have the same longing, but for different reasons. My mom is still very much alive, but has never been the loving mother anyone would dream of. She is quite a selfish person with a difficult character, and we never had a good relationship to start with. Now that I am an adult and mom to my own children, I realize even more just what I didn't get from my own mom, and I long for a mother-daughter relationship such as the ones we see in movies or read about in books. I also do feel very lonely as the only woman in the house, and since I cannot turn to my mother for comfort, it makes the feeling even harder to deal with.

The truth is though, even if we did have a daughter, we would not be guaranteed that relationship. There is no way to predict how our daughters would be and if their personalities would be compatible with ours, or if we would conflict. I see it all the time with my sister... She did get a girl first, and her DD is 7 years old now. They get along still, but they do have their moments when I think "wow, the teenage years will be hard!".

Anyway, I know that's little comfort to you right now, but I did want to let you know that I fully understand. ((((HUGS))))

 Hello and welcome,

Firstly stop feeling guilty, we all understand how much you love your darling boys.  I too have three sons and sometimes my grief for my daughter threatens to overwhelm me.  My youngest is just 6 months old so you might be interested in how I have been coping.  I don't know if this is an idea that can work for you but the thing is,  this time with your darling as a newborn can never come back so you don't won't to let grief overtake your joy.                                                                                                                              What I did is I made a conscious decision to put my grief "on hold"   It's like I have packed it up in a trunk, I know itis there waiting for me but I will not open it yet, later when I am feeling stronger I will ,when bubba is older. Instead when the grief rises up I focus on a high tech fantasy I have for getting my daughter.  I know your husband is adament that the third baby is your last, well mine was too but I just can not accept that at the moment.  I may be a fool but keeping the dream alive is allowing me to delight in my new baby and that is the most important thing right now.  And who knows?  Plenty of husbands have changed their minds, infact in my case watching me fall in love with my new boy and seeing me so happy is making my DH soften his view on more kids.

  This new little boy of yours will reveal in time beautiful, wonderful things.  My second son (yes terrible GD with him too) has a cloud of golden curls and the deepest blue eyes just like my beloved late grandmother.  Sometimes when he smiles at us in a certain way we catch our breath because for a moment it is like we have her back again.  As he's grown older (he's now 2) we see he has the same laid back sense of humour she had.  Now this latest little boy is bring his own precious secrets to life, his smile is just so familiar.  Your little man will be smiling soon, you just focus on that, who knows what wonderful things are around the corner?  dreams can come true in the most surprising ways.  Congratulations on your new baby!

Opel 

Thank you so much for all your comments and support. A couple days ago I had never even heard of GD but turned to the internet looking for some help in the way I was feeling. It does help immensely knowing there are others of you going through the same feelings and hearing how you've dealt with it. Last night my husband sensed I was down and very removed and peeled me open to talk about it. He did mention talking to a professional for grief counseling, which I will consider. Also, to my huge surprise, he said that he was actually warming up to the idea of another (possible) child, even adoption. This is something I never even mentioned to him because I didn't even think it would even be a consideration!! I love Opel's suggestion about putting my grief "on hold" to deal with again when I'm feeling stronger so I can enjoy these early days falling in love with my new son. I think all these things will help me get through these early days (especially with all these postpartum hormones out of wack!). I came very close to throwing away the necklace yesterday, but instead decided to just set aside for now with my grief. Thank you.