We were having an argument and she said "your kids will hate you when they grow up." Why would she say that to me? It is so hateful, it's not the kind of thing a mother should be saying to her daughter. I am so confused about my relationship with my mom and I don't want it to affect me and my girls. How do you protect yourself from somebody who is so destructive, when it's your own mother???

 

Alli:

How do you protect yourself from somebody who is so destructive, when it's your own mother???

Avoid her as much as you can.  

It sounds to me like she's angry at you because she knows you "hate" her and she's basically saying you'll have the same relationship with your daughters that she has with you.  But that's simply not true if you don't act towards your daughters the way she has acted towards you.  You can't change her.  But you can change yourself.  Write down every bad behavior and trait that she has that has destroyed your relationship with her over the years, and then vow to work to change every last one of them that you might spot any small amount of in yourself. If she is selfish, but you are not, cross it off and cease to worry about it.  If she yelled a lot and it made you fear her as a child, and you find yourself sometimes doing that then work to slowly change that in your own behavior. 

And remember, you are not your mother.

I love the advice Cat gave. I have a really bad relationship with my mom. She makes me feel so bad about myself. I don't want to end up being like my mom and have a horrible relationship with my girls.

I so wish I had the answer.  My mom and I aren't talking right now (her boyfriend and his family are way more important than any of us are) sorry little vent over. 

I'm ready to write my mom out of our lives because of her self centered behaviour that she's been showing for quite some time.  My family doesn't need it, and I'm tired of always being there to pick up her pieces and then being crapped on.  Oh crud...I did it again. Sorry.

 The best way for me to protect our girls is to walk away from the scenerio.  We've decided that just because by birth right she's a grandmother, doesn't make her my girls GRANDMOTHER!  That's a privilege, not something that should be just expected.  So for now that's my only answer.  

I hope you and your mom work things out soon, and that she apologizes for being so hurtful.  

My mom says some pretty lame things as well.  When we told her the baby was probably a boy, she said.."Oh..I'll just get excited about the baby when it gets here"  WTH?   

awww hun I can't imagine why a mother would say that to her child huge hugs hun! I agree with the advice Cat gave too and say put it behind you and focus on being the best Mom you can be and enjoy your children. Your Mom is the one who is going to miss out!

Your mother is wishing you ill.  How much does she really care about you and your children?  She sounds selfish to me.  Life is still all about her, isn't it?  Keep your distance.  Just because she's biologically your mother does not mean that you must keep her involved in your life.  Mothers like this become destructive and until she changes her behavior and apolgizes to you, I'd simply cut ties.  You'll find that if you continue to allow her to play out those hateful learned behaviors toward you, you'll unconsciously absorb them and your daughters deserve to not have that in their lives. 

Seriously...with parents like these who needs enemies?  My parents are HYPER-critical of me and always have been.  I'll never forget when I was talking with my dad about how I discipline my oldest son, and I said I wasn't going to be so harsh that he would be taken away and put in foster care.  My dad says "He'd probably be better off."  What a sh*tty thing to say to say! 

All I can say is keep your mom at a distance, because she sounds toxic.  I won't have the same relationship with my parents again after the way they acted about this pregnancy.  I need to focus on the relationships that need the nurturing, like my kids.  Just focus on your kids, and keep in the back of your mind how your mom is treating you.  Someday she will need you when she's older, and you can remind her then about how much she hurt you.

Yeah, I agree with everyone else to not see her very often.  Do you live close?  We live in another state so it's easier.  I make sure to have my girls make nice pictures and sent to grandparents but don't get so close that they feel they can criticize me.  Only short and sweet trips and stay so busy taking care of your own family that you just don't have time to be treated like that, from anyone!  My mom has said hurtful things to me before too and just basically acts like a teenager, trying to re-live her youth instead of being a support to me as a young mother.  I just try to surround myself with loving and supportive people...I still honor my mom (my girls are learning from me how to treat elders and my parents) but I make sure I don't depend on her anymore, for anything!  If she ends up doing something nice, it'll just be a pleasant surprise and not something that I expected.

 What kind of relationship have you had with your Mom over the years? I'm really not sure why she would say your kids will hate you when they grow up. Maybe she thinks that you hate her, or she's done something to you which she thinks that you should hate her.

I've distanced myself from my Mom over the past few years.  She's said and done some things which I'm not sure if I can ever forgive her for, so the best way to handle the situation is just not to have any contact with her.  Since she seems to think that my 2 brothers and my sister(along with their families) can do no wrong,and I can do no right, I've pretty much had it with her. 

I think she could be jealous of your relationship with your DDs? That it's better than what she had? My mom said all kinds of very wierd, unhelpful things to me growing up, which I know she'd deny now 'cos she seems a lot more normal these days & I'd rather leave it in the past. When I was going thru very bad GD with DD1 she did say to DH that she was worried my DD'd grow up hating me, tho at that point I didn't care about anything at all. I do worry I'll turn into her tho! I'd hate my DD to feel like I did about my mum but sometimes I catch myself shouting like her, no patience at all & I always vowed I wouldn't pass bad things on.

Wow...I'm so sorry you've all had such bad relationships with your moms. I can't imagine how painful it must be.

Does she say hurtful things like this often? If not, just to play devil's advocate......when I was giong through my stupid teenage girl phase, my mom cursed me more than once, saying that she hoped I had kids who acted just like me and were as hateful to me as I was to her. Is it possible that this is what your mom meant? What were you arguing about?

I can't believe your Mom sad that!! She sucks!!

You ladies are SMART. Thank you for replying--it is so hard for me to get perspective on my mom. Cat, your advice is so great I am going to do exactly what you suggested.

We live far away from my mom, so we only see each other once or twice a year. She was here for a 2 month visit (she left early, thank God) and it was the worst summer of my life. Before that argument where she said my girls will hate me when they grow up, I had told her how bothered I was by the fact that my parents have always had me call them by their first names, instead of 'mom' and 'dad'. (I'm 30 and I'm just realizing that was not good for me.) They are my bio parents, by the way. But my little sister has always called them mommy and daddy. My sister was also here for part of her visit and it HURT so much to see how my sister is still her 'baby' how she has a 'daddy' while I have never had that sort of rock in my life.

So my mom suddenly one night said to me "you can start calling me mom" and I said "it feels weird, I don't know" and she said "just do it" and I was thinking out loud and said 'maybe calling you mom would make me less critical of you, maybe we'd have an easier relationship.' That set her off--she must have been hurt, because she started on a tirade against my DH, saying he was abusive and bad to me and the girls, and how my girls will hate me for it when they grow up. (DH doesn't like my mom and has stopped making any effort to get along with her, and that makes her FURIOUS). She said a lot of nasty things to me during this visit: "you are a deceitful girl" "I could say things to you that would hurt you so bad you would remember them your whole life" are some gems.

I don't want to turn this into a novel, but . . . Misalisa, thank you for pointing out that she has no birthright, she has to earn the right to be in our lives. Bittersweet, you are so right she is selfish: before the visit she claimed she missed the girls so much and wanted to spend loads of time with them--during the actual visit I couldn't BEG her to give them a bath or watch them if she just didn't feel like it. Noboys, when I was a kid she made me into her friend and confidante, rather than her child, and it made me grow up quick (hi! I got married at 22); as a girl I loved and idolized her and would do anything to make her happy, but not anymore.  Dylsmom, let's raise a glass to toxic parents!!! who wish us ill and try to tear us down.

Thank you, it has felt so good to 'talk' about this. I just don't know how to move forward with her.

Alli

Hi there,

I am sorry that she treats you this way. This is good for me

and my girl-yearning cause it shows also how complex that mother.-daughter relation

can be. I am sure that I would do and say many things that would hurt a DD

(since I sometimes do that to my sons too, whithout intention to),

and maybe I need to realize that it would be no easier with a girl of mine!

Hugs,

Krissymum

Alli:

let's raise a glass to toxic parents!!!

Oo I hope I can do a better job than my mom did, I really don't want my kids being able to blame me for stuff I did wrong.. Tho' I think I've a better chance as they've invented a GD Forum & Prozac since my mom's day!