This may be a better post for the "Rising Above...." forum, but the people that have listened and helped me are here on THIS board, so here goes:
I don't want to get overzealous and say my GD is gone. It most certainly is not. However, I am functioning and I'm moving on with my life and my pregnancy without medication. I dare say I'm actually looking forward to holding my new baby boy in just 4 short months. I wanted to share a list with you all of some things that have helped me get to a somewhat back to "normal" state.
1) This site/board. You have all been amazing. You have listened, cared, PM'd me, sympathized and nurtured me. Just reading some of your words was help in and of itself. Reading some of these posts, and yes, even writing some of these posts, has been very, very painful. Often times there were tears just streaming down my face as I read or typed, but it was all a necessary part of the grieving process. I also went to the Microsort/PGD board and the education and hope I saw there was amazing. I am still not sure if that will be our route someday, but knowing that it is there is fantastic.
2) We got a baby GIRL kitten. This may sound ridiculous, but my husband was the mastermind behind this. We lost our female cat (the only female in our household) to cancer a few months back. I conceived this baby one week later. My grief led me to not having a full understanding of my cycle that month, hence the surprise BOY pregnancy. Believe me, I would have tried for a girl. BTW, we had sex 2-3 days before ovulation and it is a boy anyway - FYI. I digress. My husband showed me this darling female kitten that needed a home and she jumped into my arms and I felt this connection. Obviously it will never be the same as a daughter, but she is so sweet and needs my love and I adore her. She makes me smile every day.
3) I called Microsort to get on their waiting list. Again, you may think I'm crazy, as I have not even had this baby yet. I may indeed, have this third baby and decide we cannot handle having a fourth, but at this point in my life, and in my pregancy, I need hope. I need to know my dream is not dead. It took a while for MS to call me back, but when they did, I found out direct answers to many of my questions. There is no wait for MS with PGD/IVF. My husband said that if we do this, it is the only way to go, as we want a GUARANTEE. We won't be able to afford more than 2 or 3 tries, but he is open to considering it. He does not sound excited, let me tell you, but he is at least open to the discussion - that's a big step.
4) I read/talk to as many people with 4 or more children as possible. This includes reading the 19-page spread on the Jolie-Pitt clan. Yes, they are ridiculously wealthy and we struggle with finances EVERY day. If we do PGD, it will be my retirement account, but that is not the point. The Jolie-Pitts live in a fantasy-land, but when I see them with six beautiful children and I talk to friends with big families, it is very encouraging. I ask how they do family vacations, how they manage all of the kids activities, etc.
5) My boys (including my husband), that I love dearly, need me. After several weeks of depression and subsequent marginal parenting on my part, something hit me. I was in tears one day (as usual) and my husband, in frustration, said something awful. He said that he wished he could trade either of our existing boys for a girl (or even both) so that I would not have to go through this pain. I know he didn't mean it (about trading our boys). I knew at that point that this had gone far enough. He was at his limit. I tried to think about his point. Which one would I trade? I began to re-discover all of the amazing things about my boys that I had been desensitized to in the last few weeks. I adore them! I would rather die than see either of them have a bruise, let alone trade one of them for a girl. It was such a wake-up call. I decided at that point to give them more hugs, more interaction, more of ME than I had been, and guess what? I got so much love back. They gave me so much love back - it's hard to be sad when they are saying and doing the cutest things in the world. I guess the old adage is true, you get out of life what you put into it.
6) I had a 4-D ultrasound. Okay, so I have the greatest OB in the world (even if he has been the messenger of the worst news in the world - LOL). He knows I have GD, and he decided at my last ultrasound to show me the baby in 4-D. I saw his little face with a great deal of detail. He looks just like my first. He looks so sweet, so innocent...he just wants to be a part of our family and for me to love him. And I do. FYI, I asked my doctor to show me the penis in 4-D (I still had my irrational doubts). He did so, and was laughing hysterically the whole time - he had never had that request before.
7) My baby started kicking. Our bond is developing. I can feel him, and it is such a realization that I am about to have another life that I am responsible for. Another baby that needs me to nourish him, hold him, care for him unconditionally - it is very powerful.
8) A secret name. Everyone thinks they know this baby's name. I named him before I knew it was a boy. It was a self-protection mechanism. I thought if I already had a name for the "boy" that was bound to be in my belly, everyone would know that I wanted/expected another boy and I wouldn't get those nauseating condolences of pity IF we did indeed find out it was a boy. Well, guess what? I have now aligned all of my negative GD feelings with that name, and I have decided on a new, secret name for him. This is very cathartic. It's like the boy I didn't want is gone, and the boy I am falling in love with every day is here and becoming a reality.
9) I have been praying for all of YOU. Those of you that are TTC a girl, or have been pregnant and waiting to find out the gender - I have been seriously reading your posts and praying for you. For MOST of you those prayers have been answered, which renews my faith in God, and I believe prayers for others can sometimes be so much stronger than the selfish prayers for myself.
I'm sure at this point you all think I'm nuts. That's okay. If this helps even one person with their GD, it was worth it. More importantly, it helped me to write it. My continued hugs and appreciations to you all.