I finally had a girl and now she's gone at just over 20 weeks - I am desperate, please can somebody help?

My husband and I have two wonderful boys and I had always felt like I was meant to have a daughter too..... I have had many down days over not having a daughter but I love my boys more than life itself and I was finally getting past the "hump"..... and then we found out in March that we were pregnant again. It was a big surprise because we didn't think we could have any more children. Even the maternity doctor said that it was a miracle baby. There were a lot of circumstances surrounding the baby's conception that led us to believe that it was divine intervention that helped us conceive. When we got to 12 weeks and we did the NT scan and had the genetic testing done and it all came back okay, we were really relieved. Fast forward to last Thursday, our 20 week scan. We decided to find out the sex and they said they would put it in the Dr. report and the doctor would tell us if we wanted. The next day, at our appointment, the doctor told us that everything on the scan looked good and the baby looked good and.... it was girl!!! We couldn't even believe it. We were so so thrilled. Our two boys were over the moon. Then, on Saturday night, I noticed that I hadn't felt her moving for awhile. By Sunday morning at 5 o'clock I was so worried that we went to the hospital. They checked for a heartbeat and did a scan but she was already gone. What? I couldn't take it in. But she was fine on Friday. She was fine at the scan just two days ago. We didn't understand. The next three days were the worst I have ever been through. They sent us home and told me to come back so they could induce me because I would have to give birth to my baby who had already passed away. I couldn't fathom it. It turned out to be a horrific horrific labour and birth and the most horrific experience of my life. We held her and kissed her tiny precious perfect face and spent time with her and just loved her. We are beyond devastated. Our boys don't understand and we don't have any answers for them. The doctors don't know why it happened. How on earth do we get through this? I can't stop crying. I feel like I will never be the same again and that all the times that should be really happy for us will now be overshadowed by this immense grief. - and I know that some of you have lost children after they were born at all different ages, and my heart goes out to all of you. Does anyone have any advice? Does anything help? At first all I could think of was that I wanted to have another baby to fill the void, but I know that's not rational and it will not bring her back. I just don't know what to do and I don't know how to carry on. I know I have to be strong for my boys but I don't know how. I know the boys really want another sibling, but I am already 38 and this was a miracle baby to begin with, so I doubt it's even possible. Have any of you lost a baby before birth and then gone on to have more? When does the pain start to subside? Were you able to be truly happy again? I feel so scared now about everything. I am scared to let my precious boys out of my sight. I'm scared to leave the house. I'm scared of seeing people and having to talk to people. I'm scared that I will never get over this and every day is going to be a struggle. Please please, can somebody please help with some advice? I know this has been long. Thank you if you've gotten this far....

 Though I cannot relate to the pain and trauma youhave just gone through,my heart goes out to you. The greatest advice I ever heard about losing a child is right now the weight of the grief will be physical and be almost unbearable. Eventually you will laugh again, you will feel "okay" again and may even have another child...to the outside world you will have "healed" but you can't heal from the loss of a child...but you don't need to heal to be whole; by whole i mean damaged missing pieces of who you were, your heart -missing what feels like some of your most important parts. Yet not missing any part of you at all. You are now larger than you were before. Because all of us are made not only of what we have but of what we lost. And loss is not a subtraction...As an experience, it is an addition. 

Even when we lose an arm or a leg, there's not less of us but more. Human experience weighs more than human tissue.

Loss creates a greater overall surface area within a person. You expand as a result of it. Though it may feel like the oposite. No matter how huge your loss, as long as you stay engaged with your life, the best days of your life are still ahead of you.

 

 What a heartbreaking situation. Its so sad that such a beautiful tiny life can be taken away and leave such a big whole in your life. I dont have the words to say to express how sorry i am for you loss. I hope you can find some comfort in the eys of your 2 precious boys. You are in my prayers. 

Just wanted to say my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine what you must be going through and what you had to go through. I pray that God will help you through this... One day at a time... Thoughts and prayers for you and your family, I am so sorry :(

Bumping in hopes someone with a similar experience can help this woman

I am so very, very sorry for your tragedy. There are no words that are adequate to comfort you, but know that people around the world are thinking of you and your precious daughter and family, and we are sending gentle hugs.  In a situation like this, it seems like only the passage of time and our loved ones can help ease the raw hurt; in the meantime, draw strength from your darling sons and just get through the day one step at a time.  I don't know why these things happen to good people - it is so unfair.

There are people on this board who have had similar experiences, and I hope they will post to you.  I remember one amazing woman lost her long-awaited daughter at close to 40 weeks. I believe she had two sons at home as well.  Maybe someone remembers her screen name (it has been a few years) and can direct you to her threads.  I have a friend IRL who lost her long-awaited DD at 24 weeks - it was awful.

 Thinking of you and your family. 

 i am so so sorry to read of your loss as i know to well how u feel,,,i fell pregnant april last year and was over the moon,,12 week scan was brilliant,had 16 week scan at babybond and found out we were having a little boy,,how i remember that day like it was yesterday!! then went for my 20 week scan and boom,,,he was gone!!! i was speachless and just stared at the tech when she told my my little boy no longer had a heartbeat!! she asked if i wanted to go into hospital that day...???? was what i though why?? well the reality of everything HIT ME HARD!! i burst into tears and beg they just gave me a section as i didnt want to go through the labour knowing our son had passed away,,waited for my oh to come home from sea 2days later and headed to hospital to be started off and on 19th august 2011 our precious son harvey was born,,we had postmortum done and everything was fine with him so i have to aswer as to why he didnt make it,,,all i cud think about was being pregnant again,,each day that went by thats all i thought about,,we had a little blessing with family for him and buried him near our home town,,nothing and i mean nothing ever takes away the pain of losing our babies but one day roughly 2months later my little girl ( i have a boy and girl already) said to me why are u always sad mummy?? and there it hit me,,i have a gorgeous boy and girl that still depend on me and i was so caught up in my own grief that i forgot about how it effected the other two most important people in my life,,each day that went by i grew stronger with the help from my children,,although i still wanted to be pregnant i just never let it be my main goal in life..i fell pregnant jan 2012 (harvey was due 1st jan) and hav been worried sick throughout this pregnancy

i promise the pain eases it just never goes away,,i am sure u with think of ur gorgeous little girl everyday for the rest of your life,and she will be watching over you all,the strength u may not realise just now u get from you other kids is the best thing to get u through this sad time 

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find peace and heal. ((((Hugs))))

My heart breaks for you! All I can really tell you is that you learn to find your new normal. It seems impossible now. I didn't believe that I could ever be happy again. I didn't want to be happy. My baby was gone. I felt guilty smiling or even being happy. But....I had other children that needed me to be normal and happy again. So I faked it until I felt it. It's been 9 months and I still think about my baby. We had him cremated so his ashes are in a beautiful urn in our home. I visit with him a lot and just talk to him. It brings me comfort. Some days I can't believe I went through all that and survived it. It really is the hardest thing I ever had to endure. In time, you will be ok....but that seems impossible right now.

(((((((HUGS)))))))) I'm so sorry sweetie! I'm not going to say I entirely KNOW your pain but I understand it. I gave birth to my son, after 4 daughters, at 17w 5d on Sept 25. This was my first 2nd trimester loss (previously the furthest along I had been was 10w 3d). It's an insanely heart breaking thing to endure and I still have to fight just to get out of bed in the mornings. I hope you find some peace.

 I am so very sorry to hear of your little one passing. My story is so very similar to yours, although my baby girl got to 10 days before delivery. I even had a scan on the Friday and she was fine and then on the Monday morning I noticed no movement. No cause of death, a perfectly formed little angel. I too have too little boys and our baby girl was very much a surprise and was the perfect way to finish off our little family.

Losing a cherished baby is a pain I would not wish on anyone and there are days that it all feels like a bad dream.  I am just putting one foot in front of the other and taking it slow. I am allowing myself to own my feelings and anger, which of late I have had a lot.

My husband and I are coming to the conclusion that we would like more children and that perhaps IVF is something we may like to pursue.

We miss our daughter terribly and nothing takes away that constant pain, but a nurse explained it to me oneday, she said "having another child doesnt replace the child you lost but gives you the chance again to parent" which is also part of the grief. The loss of not only the child but of being a parent again. And I do want to parent again.

I would love to hear how you are going, as our circumstances are very similar and I have not really had the chance to talk to someone in the same situation. Sending much love your way, you are not alone.

 I'm so sorry. You are very desperate and feeling strong grief. It is naturally. Definite you have lost your little angel which was a very precious pregnancy as you are on age of 38. But to console you I would like to say that it is not happened only with you but many woman face this. You will have to make stable yourself and try to accept the fact. We are all with you to share your grief. However if I'm not wrong, you can still go to conceive again and this 38 age is not as such that there is no opportunity to conceive again. I'll pray for you. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you and at a complete loss of words.  I am so sorry you lost your sweet baby. Ill be praying for your strength.

Lots of love.

I can see that it's been several months, but I have not been on this board for a couple of years. I'm so sorry for your loss!! I can tell you, I know that sting all too well. :(. It really took me a year and a half until I was consistently happy again...everyone gets there at their own time, and there is NO deadline. Feel what you feel, and you will be healthier and happier in the long run. Ok- here's my story. 4 years ago we swayed for a girl (our first sway) after two wonderful boys. We found out at 20 w us that we were indeed having a girl! Everything was completely normal and fine my whole pregnancy. At 38 I saw my midwife, and had a normal visit, with good fetal heart tones. Two days later I noticed that I couldn't feel her moving, but I was in early labor, so I brushed off thinking babies don't move much during labor. When I finally settled into regular labor, my midwife checked for heart tones and couldn't find any. I labored for about 30 minute after that (quick labor) and she was born. It ended up being a cord accident. :(. I miss her every day. I have gone on to have two more babies. The first rainbow baby was born less than a year after his sister. We did not sway (not really) and got another boy. The gender disappointment was horrible!! I was dealing with gd in top of the grief of loosing my daughter. But that little boy is and was and always will be such a blessing, and I adore everything about him. The next baby we tried o+12 (we did shuttles with our daughter)... And I just laughed my head off when we found it was another boy! He's now 9 months old, and I haven't had much gender disappointment with him. I'm not "over it" at all, but I'm just basking in the awesome opportunity to enjoy having another baby. I think we might try **one more time** and do the same sway we did with our daughter, and see what happens. I really feel like we're supposed to have another daughter. At this point, I think the best thing I can tell you is that your heart won't always be so raw, but the hole will always be there. And you won't want the hole to leave because it is there because you love your daughter, and you always will. It is there because she took it with her. And that is ok. I hope this is helpful to you.

(((((hugs))))) I am SO sorry to hear about your loss. I have 4 daughters and my 4th was supposed to be it but a few months later I found out I was pregnant again! I was excited and happy and I "knew" it was my boy! We went in Sept 5 for what I thought would be a scan done at 11w 6d, turns out I was 14w 6d! Talk about excited (and nervous)! I would get to meet my baby 3-ish wks sooner and was already past the first tri worries (I've lost 5 pregnancies prior, latest being at 10w 3d). Everything was perfect, my blood work came back great and the doc said I was way healthier than she'd expect to see considering the age gap (My daughter was to turn 5 months old just 4 days later!). Weeks had passed and everything was great, though I never felt any real movement, just assumed an anterior placenta like I had with Livi (DD4) and I didn't feel her move till 20wks so no biggie. On Sept 23 I had a spot of pink tinge when I wiped, thought nothing of it since I felt FINE (and I had prior bleeding at the end of July, for a few days, and all was well). Sept 24, all is well. Sept 25 (17w 5d) I wake up with a feeling (TMI) like I had to use the bathroom so I had some coffee and I did, expecting to feel better, instead I felt WORSE. I called the hospital to ask if I should go to L&D or to the ER, while waiting for them to call the pain got severely worse so I dressed Livi and myself and decided to head in (that hospital is 40mins), I stopped to use the bathroom before walking out the door and saw blood and the contractions hit. I got to the hospital at about 930-10 and (long horrific story later), I gave birth to my son (who was announced a boy after his birth) at 458pm, then had to go in for surgery (my very first D&C) around 11. 6 months has come and gone. My due date has come and gone. I still mourn my son daily. I can't see a baby boy or a woman preg with a boy without tears. I can't hear certain pregnancy stories without tears. I hurt, daily. I'm now 14w 4d preg. I'm happy about the pregnancy but I'm terrified and even though I'm already attached, I'm terrified to attach the way I did with my girls. I'm terrified that the moment I allow myself to be happy because I'm afraid reaching that point will have this baby taken away. it's a day to day struggle but that's the best advice I can give, take it day by day. Hug your boys, tell them you love them, remind them DAILY, heck even hourly. Love your husband and spend more time with just him. And every night light a candle and talk to your little girl as if she was still there in your belly, or there in your arms. Keep that connection going because on those bad days, it will be all you have to get you through. ((((((hugs)))))