He's darling now...but...

My son is now almost 5 months old. I love him dearly and he is so little and sweet and funny and cuddly, and such a darling little baby, I thought I was over my GD but after I've spent a bit more time with boy toddlers I was reminded of why I was feeling so much fear and pain related to GD in the first place. I didn't write the passage below, but this does a good job summing up my fears:

Boys are a creature all their own. They are loud and crazy, and they play rough. They like things that make loud noises, make big messes, and things they shouldn't even play with... Like power tools. In most games, young boys clobber, kill, or cream someone. If four girls are playing house in a preschool classroom, it's not uncommon for four boys to go in and rob them. These games and fantasies, while disturbing to some, are not unusual. In fact, they are the norm.

Please please *pleeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee* tell me that I can prevent this from happening? I am terrified at the thought that my darling and sweet little cuddle bug will turn into a wild and rambunctious child that's described above. I am not going to allow aggressive, violent or hostile play and plan on buying gender neutral doll houses, tea sets, cuddly stuffed animals and even a baby doll for my son when he gets older and not toy weapons or anything that may promote aggressive play. But is it just inevitable that these efforts will fail and my child will become wild and hyper and over-active?

For moms of sensitive boys, any suggestions on how I can mold him into a sweet, sensitive and nurturing child? Thank you.

Just continue to be the sweet, sensitive, and nurturing mom it sounds like you already are and he will likely turn out the same!

I know I don't have sons, but I have a daughter that you described above. But she wasn't even cuddly or sweet at 5 months, she was determined, serious and moved like she was powered with size D batteries! Her older sister was the a-typical girl, what most moms dream of, and what makes me uncomfortable. I have loved and treated my children with the same love, discipline, routine etc and they have polar opposite personalities. My youngest girl has a basket of toys that if someone just walked in they wouldn't be able to tell if it was for boys or girls, all her toys are bright, fun learning toys. She has music toys, stacking toys, push toys the same ones my dd1 had. My dd1 would stack her rings on the post in the proper order my dd2 throws them like a frisbee! I read them the same books, my dd1 pointed politely to the pictures and my dd2 pulls on the pages or tries to eat them. Basically, they are soooo different!!! You can try and "mold" your children to do certain things and for some traits you can, like manners, politeness etc.. But making them sensitive or not nope I think it's built in. You should love him and cuddle him and show him how to be a good person, which it or girl I think you would do that anyway. It encourage his likes, the things that make him "him". You'd think my dd1 was "easier" based on her calm and sweet "typical girl" personality but in fact she was hardest to bond with and still I have a difficult time connecting. You see, due to her sensitivity she was particular and liked things just so. It was hard to encourage imaginative play because she was so practical. She refused to play doing anything that made her sweaty or sticky. Which some think oh that would be great but I couldn't even get her to fonger paint!!!! :( yes my dd2 has more "energy" and what most people describe here as a boy she's sooo easy. Because she likes to play by herself due to her independence, she can look at stacking blocks and see more than just stacking blocks. What I mean is if you appreciate certain aspects maybe it won't be so hard when he's older and wants to be "dirty" or watch spiderman, take that as an opportunity to point out how spiderman helps people in need and it's nice and sweet to help people, use the dirt play as an opportunity to show him how if ou put a seed in that dirt and give it a little water you get a beautiful plant! Things don't have to be as they appear.... With my dd1, I've learned to use her tea party play as a chance to encourage her to be imaginative, let's pretend this is hot chocolate and we are watching your bears ice skate, although its 100 degrees outside. It's helped us bond, and I hope I've helped you see how different children can be and how great that is! Encourage him to be his self and I think you'll be so glad you have a son!!!

If they changed that passage to 'girls are' it would TOTALLY describe my daughters!! they are loud, they play and make games out of everything, have WONDERFUL imaginations, make a LOT of mess, and are usually louder than my boys!! It really should say ALL children play, make a lot of noise, make a mess, but are cute, cuddly and just fantastic to be around...

Not all boys are loud and rambunctious, some are quiet and sensitive.. My eldest son when he was 12 was REALLY late home from school 1 time and I was going out of my head till he got in and explained to me that his girlfriend (so cute!!) had twisted her ankle at school and he had CARRIED her all the way home, knowing he would be late and would get into trouble, how could I tell him off 4 that?? He is now 17 and the lovliest young man you could ever hope to meet. Your young man sounds like a lovely cheeky little chappy and with the right guidance and role models throughout his life will turn out just fine :D... xx

I have previously replied to this thread, but I havent been able to shake the need to come back in here and do something I rarley do. Say something honest, without worrying about hurt feelings.

Your post has stuck in my mind, and I want to start by saying that Iord knows im not perfect. I suffered GD when I was told I was carrying a boy and thankfully the minute he was born it melted away. I know that it not the same for everyone, and everyones situation is different.

Your post has made me sad. I feel for your son. So many of your posts center around boys being bad and having bad behaviour and how you will not tollerate it. But there are times when he will be rough, will be loud and messy - but ALL genders are like that. They have tantrums, yell, scream and throw themselves on the ground in a huff. You will have crayons on your wall, and you will find food smeared on the furnature.

Please just let him be him. How joyless a childhood if you arent going to let him run around and get in the mud.

Oooooooook..... So I totally understand GD hurts.. But what I can't tolerate are single minded people who thinks its ok to put down the gender they don't have to make it ok to have the gender they do.. Are u seriously believing that boys are one thing and girls are another? Kids are kids... Boys can be boisterous/calm or  and girls can be boisterous/calm or crazy.. It's a personality trait NOT because of what's between their legs!! And if ur children (or ur boys) grow up to be undesirable that's nothing to do with him being a dude.. It's to do with his mother expecting him to be!!! Please, by all means, crave a girl, but don't think its ok to be derogatory about genders... Saying I love my son but long for a girl is all that needs to be said.. It's all that needed for someone to understand.., GL in getting a dd one day but please re think ur persecution!! 

suttonday:

Oooooooook..... So I totally understand GD hurts.. But what I can't tolerate are single minded people who thinks its ok to put down the gender they don't have to make it ok to have the gender they do.. Are u seriously believing that boys are one thing and girls are another? Kids are kids... Boys can be boisterous/calm or  and girls can be boisterous/calm or crazy.. It's a personality trait NOT because of what's between their legs!! And if ur children (or ur boys) grow up to be undesirable that's nothing to do with him being a dude.. It's to do with his mother expecting him to be!!! Please, by all means, crave a girl, but don't think its ok to be derogatory about genders... Saying I love my son but long for a girl is all that needs to be said.. It's all that needed for someone to understand.., GL in getting a dd one day but please re think ur persecution!! 

I prefer Diva lol

My dd is a little bit of everything.

She can be very "rough and tumble" but she will also snuggle up to me and just watch tv, or read a book. Then there is her diva side. oh lordy hahaha!!!!

 

disneybride13:

]I prefer Diva lol

 

 

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chickfromaus:

I have previously replied to this thread, but I havent been able to shake the need to come back in here and do something I rarley do. Say something honest, without worrying about hurt feelings.

Your post has stuck in my mind, and I want to start by saying that Iord knows im not perfect. I suffered GD when I was told I was carrying a boy and thankfully the minute he was born it melted away. I know that it not the same for everyone, and everyones situation is different.

Your post has made me sad. I feel for your son. So many of your posts center around boys being bad and having bad behaviour and how you will not tollerate it. But there are times when he will be rough, will be loud and messy - but ALL genders are like that. They have tantrums, yell, scream and throw themselves on the ground in a huff. You will have crayons on your wall, and you will find food smeared on the furnature.

Please just let him be him. How joyless a childhood if you arent going to let him run around and get in the mud.

Best thing said!!!! I couldn't agree more and was thinking just this when I read that he would be given doll houses and dolls. Maybe he can be the one to choose those toys so he can be himself and enjoy his childhood.

Boys don't have a monopoly on bad behavior.  All kids regardless of gender can behave poorly.  i have three sons and they are all different. Yes, they can be loud, crazy and rough but that doesn't define them, they are so much more than that.  I get the impression a lot on this board that the only kind of boy that is worth having is one who is quiet, sweet, sensitive, basically one who acts like the stereotypical girl. I believe boys and girls are different and i choose to embrace my boys and all there personality traits even the ones that people find distastful.  Yes, my sons are rough and tumble but they have an amazing sense of bravery, curiosity and adventure and who knows where this will take them in their life

.

Seb2011:

I am not going to allow aggressive, violent or hostile play and plan on buying gender neutral doll houses, tea sets, cuddly stuffed animals and even a baby doll for my son when he gets older and not toy weapons or anything that may promote aggressive play.

I guess that is fine if that is what your son wants to play with. What if he doesn't want to play with the doll house or tea sets? What if he wants to run around with a space ship in his hands or wrestle with his friends? Let him be who he is and play with what he wants to. Its not about you. I have never encouraged aggressive play with toys guns, however my sons often go around pretending each other is the bad guy and shooting each other with whatever stick they can pretend is a gun. I think women are often horrified by this but its totally normal and okay. Boys have been playing like this since the beginning of time, it doesn't mean they are going to grow up to be horrible aggressive men (in fact there is no research to support that gun play in childhood turns boys aggressive).

Stop worrying about all the negative stereotypes and enjoy your son for who he is.  

 

 

Winter:

Boys don't have a monopoly on bad behavior.  All kids regardless of gender can behave poorly.  i have three sons and they are all different. Yes, they can be loud, crazy and rough but that doesn't define them, they are so much more than that.  I get the impression a lot on this board that the only kind of boy that is worth having is one who is quiet, sweet, sensitive, basically one who acts like the stereotypical girl. I believe boys and girls are different and i choose to embrace my boys and all there personality traits even the ones that people find distastful.  Yes, my sons are rough and tumble but they have an amazing sense of bravery, curiosity and adventure and who knows where this will take them in their life

.

Seb2011:

I am not going to allow aggressive, violent or hostile play and plan on buying gender neutral doll houses, tea sets, cuddly stuffed animals and even a baby doll for my son when he gets older and not toy weapons or anything that may promote aggressive play.

I guess that is fine if that is what your son wants to play with. What if he doesn't want to play with the doll house or tea sets? What if he wants to run around with a space ship in his hands or wrestle with his friends? Let him be who he is and play with what he wants to. Its not about you. I have never encouraged aggressive play with toys guns, however my sons often go around pretending each other is the bad guy and shooting each other with whatever stick they can pretend is a gun. I think women are often horrified by this but its totally normal and okay. Boys have been playing like this since the beginning of time, it doesn't mean they are going to grow up to be horrible aggressive men (in fact there is no research to support that gun play in childhood turns boys aggressive).

Stop worrying about all the negative stereotypes and enjoy your son for who he is.  

 

 

Very well said, couldn't agree more on all your points.

Winter:

Boys don't have a monopoly on bad behavior.  All kids regardless of gender can behave poorly.  i have three sons and they are all different. Yes, they can be loud, crazy and rough but that doesn't define them, they are so much more than that.  I get the impression a lot on this board that the only kind of boy that is worth having is one who is quiet, sweet, sensitive, basically one who acts like the stereotypical girl. I believe boys and girls are different and i choose to embrace my boys and all there personality traits even the ones that people find distastful.  Yes, my sons are rough and tumble but they have an amazing sense of bravery, curiosity and adventure and who knows where this will take them in their life

.

Seb2011:

I am not going to allow aggressive, violent or hostile play and plan on buying gender neutral doll houses, tea sets, cuddly stuffed animals and even a baby doll for my son when he gets older and not toy weapons or anything that may promote aggressive play.

I guess that is fine if that is what your son wants to play with. What if he doesn't want to play with the doll house or tea sets? What if he wants to run around with a space ship in his hands or wrestle with his friends? Let him be who he is and play with what he wants to. Its not about you. I have never encouraged aggressive play with toys guns, however my sons often go around pretending each other is the bad guy and shooting each other with whatever stick they can pretend is a gun. I think women are often horrified by this but its totally normal and okay. Boys have been playing like this since the beginning of time, it doesn't mean they are going to grow up to be horrible aggressive men (in fact there is no research to support that gun play in childhood turns boys aggressive).

Stop worrying about all the negative stereotypes and enjoy your son for who he is.  

 

 

 

Perfect . Seb one thing I suggest you try is learn to be realistic and be more open minded. Nowadays it's good to be open minded and look into the bigger picture because if you are very narrow-minded on these things, you will have a difficult time coping. Broadening your horizons will help you cope better and know the reality of things. If you think boys are "tough aggressive, noisy, and don't care for their parents", I wonder when you have a daughter, how will you worry about the " moody screaming little divas, teenage years, having the doors slam in your face..etc".  These are stereotypes and don't hold true for either gender 100%. Your son will be go through the stages like any other toddler at there, tantrums, very active etc. It's normal for kids to go through this..not only boys. And please don't tell me if you had a daughter instead your life will be heaven..because it certainly will not be as your future daughter will go through the same thing as your son. There may be exceptions where one may be calmer, but that's due to personality.  They are kids and will behave as kids..try not to set all these stereotypical expectations when it comes to kids because it will just set up disappointment later.  You cannot expect your baby to be a aggressive, boisterous kid because he's a boy. You are in control in how you raise him, not anyone else. Just because you see some boys act like that does NOT mean your so will be like that. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it is the truth.

 

Winter:

Boys don't have a monopoly on bad behavior.  All kids regardless of gender can behave poorly.  i have three sons and they are all different. Yes, they can be loud, crazy and rough but that doesn't define them, they are so much more than that.  I get the impression a lot on this board that the only kind of boy that is worth having is one who is quiet, sweet, sensitive, basically one who acts like the stereotypical girl. I believe boys and girls are different and i choose to embrace my boys and all there personality traits even the ones that people find distastful.  Yes, my sons are rough and tumble but they have an amazing sense of bravery, curiosity and adventure and who knows where this will take them in their life

.

Seb2011:

I am not going to allow aggressive, violent or hostile play and plan on buying gender neutral doll houses, tea sets, cuddly stuffed animals and even a baby doll for my son when he gets older and not toy weapons or anything that may promote aggressive play.

I guess that is fine if that is what your son wants to play with. What if he doesn't want to play with the doll house or tea sets? What if he wants to run around with a space ship in his hands or wrestle with his friends? Let him be who he is and play with what he wants to. Its not about you. I have never encouraged aggressive play with toys guns, however my sons often go around pretending each other is the bad guy and shooting each other with whatever stick they can pretend is a gun. I think women are often horrified by this but its totally normal and okay. Boys have been playing like this since the beginning of time, it doesn't mean they are going to grow up to be horrible aggressive men (in fact there is no research to support that gun play in childhood turns boys aggressive).

Stop worrying about all the negative stereotypes and enjoy your son for who he is.  

 

 

I thought the same thing about the guns. I had a few friends who didn't let their boys have toy weapons and the boys would still pretend play with other objects or just their hands/fingers. One even had 5 older sisters! He had plenty of boy and girl toys available and would play with either but he did enjoy rough n tumble boyishness.

 

As far as the attitude that "spirited" kids are the result of lazy parents, well, that superior attitude drives me nuts. I'm not saying there are no kids who behave the way they do because of parenting but not all do. My oldest son is SN with various delays and issues. He has been in ST since 1.5 and has added OT in since. His preschool teacher stated last year that although he's too young to officially be labeled ADHD, they will by Kindergarten and will probably want us to medicate him if we agree with medicating. You wouldn't really know that just observing him for 10 minutes, or even a few hours. You would just think he was a really shitty kid (now, he doesn't ALWAYS act out, either. He can be a really good kid too). Even when he first went through his initial eval for prek the 10 minutes each person spent with him wasn't enough and not all of his issues came out. It took his teacher calling for an intervention in school where they observed for weeks to mark down each behavior and then reevaluate.

BOYS are much more likely to be on the autism spectrum too. Although it may not be obvious just from looking at a child that they have something "wrong" with them that doesn't mean they don't have any disorders you can't see. So next time you see a kid acting out and feel superior in your "MY kid would never do that" attitude, maybe realize you don't know the kid and what his parents have tried or been through with them. I would never sit back and allow him to hurt someone else or snatch toys from other kids but he has and will again. Any time another kid started crying I would get a sinking feeling and wonder what DS had done that time. We went a long time never taking him anywhere unless necessary because it was so frustrating and exhausting both physically and mentally to stay one step behind him to keep him out of trouble. We got a lot of "oh he's just being a xx year old boy" but I knew it was much more. Having DS2 I can say he is about 1000x easier, although he still acts like a 2 year old. I think he would be even easier if he didn't love imitating his older brother so much.

As far as the gender stereotype both my boys love stereotypical boy and girl stuff. ODS prek teacher has a video of him on their pretend stage at school, wearing a tutu and singing some made up song and when she asked him what his band name was he said "pink pie". He LOVES pink. He has a bunch of girls pjs because he loves them. Honestly he would probably wear dresses and bows if he could because he doesn't understand the gender differences yet although DH and society would look down on him for it. I'm actually dreading the day he starts to understand and comes home crying because kids tease him for liking "girl things". He will pretend to be a butterfly, cook me dinner in their play house or play with dolls. He'll also turn around and play with monster trucks, trains or wrestle his brother while pretending to be a transformer, or pretend to burp really loud and laugh hysterically. There is no way I could only force the girliness on him and no way I would want to. DS2 is the same. He enjoys all of those things and he's also my little snuggle bug, content to sit in my lap and snuggle. They both love giving my belly kisses and "petting the baby". It darn near melts my heart when DS2 randomly comes up and HAS to hug me and cover me in kisses.

Kids will be who they are regardless of if you won't buy them certain toys.That became pretty evident to DH as he was super against even letting DS1 play with "girl" toys much less buy him anything even remotely un-macho. I've got him to loosen up a lot thankfully.

 Sorry this is so long and I didn't reread it to make sure it all makes sense. I kept stopping to tend to the kids and possibly lost my train of thought.