I'm scared

I am now in my 3rd trimester with my 4th boy. This is our last baby as I've posted before. To say I'm devastated to be having a 4th boy is an understatement. Let me give you a little background of this pregnancy. We ha planned to eventually try for a 4th but this baby was not planned and I got pregnant while on birth control. At first I was upset I was pregnant but of course I started getting my hopes up that this was my baby girl. I have been horribly sick with this baby, even now into my 3rd trimester. I've had to go to the er 5 times for migraines that meds couldn't control. I have placenta previa and now have to have a c-section which I'm so upset about. I only got one gender scan and they told me they couldn't tell because the cord was in the way. But I have an ultrasound machine at work and it's obviously a boy. Even though I know it is, I want to be told by a dr or tech so there's no glimmer of hope for me to dream on. My boys are 7, 5 and almost 2. My baby boy and I have some kind of crazy special bond and I don't want anything to make that change. I feel like having another baby, especially a boy, will change his role in our family and I don't want that. I have horrible thoughts. I thought by now I'd feel better about having another boy. I don't. I feel worse. I keep thinking if I could just go back and undo it. If I could give the baby up for adoption. If I could just please not be pregnant!!! I feel no connection to him at all. When he moves I almost feel disgusted. What kind of horrible mother feels that way about their baby?? I have done nothing to prepare for him. We aren't even discussing names and he'll be here in 2 months. All of our other babies had a nursery and name by 20 weeks. I feel like the worst person ever for feeling the way I do. I should be happy I can even have kids. But there is not a single part of me that is happy or excited about this baby. I have spent most nights over the last 7 months crying or just being angry. I've been a total bitch to my husband for no reason. I lose my patience with my kids and think great, I'm gonna add to this chaos? I am terrified when he gets here ill still feel this way. Everyone says how much I'll love him when I see him but I am scared I won't. Even though I desperately wanted a girl with my other pregnancies I never felt this way while pregnant. Please help me. Please tell me I'm not a horrible mom. This poor baby deserves a mom who loves him and is excited to meet him.

aww sweetie i feel the same way and i am having my desired gender. having a girl won't make you love your boys anymore or anyless. yes i too am fighting with my husband constantly. ( i actually kicked mine out for a few days) all i do is yell at the kids because number 4 is insane and in her terriable 2's. she's this baby godzilla who's soul purpose is to destroy my house. and im like this beached whale who just waddles through the house yelling and bitching.

    then i spend all night crying hysterically because there isn't enough mom to go around. how is having a baby no matter what gender going to help this? yea i got to buy some blue stuff but basically thats all i got so far. i did get, bleeding for 3 months straight, preterm labor, a housefull of meds to stop the preterm labor, hospital stays for weeks at a time, gestational diabetes, and now im just sitting here at 5cm still pregnant.

   i did actually cry and cry and cry and hold my youngest daughter, because she's my rainbow baby. she healed me after i lost her sister and i only got to bond with her for 1 year and now i will be busy with her brother. why did i do that to her?

    it sucks sweetie, im hoping it all the hormones and this end of pregnancy crap where we just feel awful. the good news is at least i will have this baby soon which means i can walk normally again and maybe my feet wont' be so swollen. and maybe it won't feel like someone is slamming an ice pick into my cervix.

Big hugs hun, am guessing it's the PG hormones, if i felt that way i'll call my mum and talk to her about it. You are not a bad mum, just talk to someone you trust about your feelins. Hugs

Big Hugs I promise you this PG hormones and PP Hormones make it SOOOOOO much worse!

Im sure he will be the apple of your eye just like your 3rd son is~ And about the Previa, I also had that and it resolved by 32 weeks. Hopefully yours will too since you have quite a bit of time left. But if you do have to have a c section its really not that bad. I ended up with an emergency c section after a previous vaginal birth and the procedure its self was really not too bad. Hopefully your placenta moves though.

Oh Hun, I am really feeling for you because you are ME 4 years ago!!!  I felt my 3rd son was as perfect as a boy could get, didn't want another, unless it was a girl, and felt like a stupid failure getting around with another huge belly full of yet another boy- only this one unplanned, conceived while on birth control and breast feeding.  It made it worse that everyone, including myself, thought and said "Well this surprise will be your longed-for daughter, that's why it happened!"  At 20 weeks I found out he was a boy and had a mini-meltdown.  I was angry because I hadn't had a chance to sway and felt like my body had played a nasty trick on me.  My poor husband agreed to "consider"  a 5th just to stop me having a full-blown breakdown I think!  2 weeks later I made him PROMISE to have a 5th so I could relax and move on with life, (God I sound like a crazy bitch when I actually type it all down!   I, too, wished I could go back in time and just not be pregnant, I wasn't motivated to eat healthily and wasn't excited about kicks, names, nurseries, etc.  Fast forward 4 1/2 months and I gave birth to the most exqusite, precious bundle of boy ever, and I was madly in love at first sight.  From then on, I would never have wished him to be anything other than the perfection he was.  I can honestly say about 90% of it, for me, was the crazy pregnancy hormones.  Everything was SO much worse when I was pregnant, when I had those hormones out of me I was a "normal"  person again!  Obviously I went on to have that 5th, but didn't quite feel the desperation I did while pregnant (until I WAS pregnant again, and turned into Godzilla again, lol!!)

Sorry for the long rant, but my point is- SO much of this is because of the pregnancy hormones rushing through your body Hun!!!  Be kind to yourself, you are a good Mum!  Just a bit stressed and down at the moment!  I don't know if you have the option to go again, but if not, please trust me that you will feel SO much better in 3 months or so!  You WILL fall in love with this special little guy, and he won't stop your special relationship with number 3.  Just think of this baby as a "gift" to your 3rd son, of a best mate for life!   Pregnancy is not all sweet roses, it is bloody hard physically & emotionally, better times and happy hormones await you!  Good Luck Sweetie!!!

 I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know that there's probably nothing I can say that will help but I'll try. I had a lot of the same fears with my 4th about not being able to bond, but as soon as he was born I fell in love. He is the child I was always waiting for and he completes our family so much. All of the kids adore him and he loves his big brothers like nothing else. He is such a special little soul. I know it seems like you're just doing the same thing all over again but your baby is his own unique person and it's going to all be brand new and wonderful, I promise.

Even though it's hard, try and prepare for him to join your family. As someone here once said "fake it until you make it." Give him a name, set up his crib, and pick out just a few new things for him. It helps a lot.

 I've been feeling a lot of that lately, too, except for this being my 3rd. It was unplanned so just like the pp I was even more upset that getting a girl wasn't the purpose of a surprise pregnancy. It's like getting kicked when you're already down. I was hoping to find out the gender and then be able to move on and accept the pregnancy and start bonding. Now I care even less than I did before. I'm even angrier. I was actually looking forward to a natural water birth with a Midwive this time. Now I don't even want to go to any more prenatal appointments, I'm really dreading them. It doesn't help that I spent the entire last visit sobbing like crazy after hearing boy. I don't freak out when I don't feel movement for a long time, I'm glad. I always loved feeling my boys kick but now like you I feel almost disgusted and want it to stop. I don't want to go to the hospital to deliver. I really feel like I just want to be left alone, get the thing out of me and hand it over to someone else and go on with my life. No desire to snuggle, no desire to breastfeed (something I've always cherished as my 2.5 year old still nurses some even), no desire to TRY to bond. I actually looked up the gestation limit on abortions here and when I saw it was 24 weeks I looked around for more info. Of course it sounded too horrible to go through and I don't think I could have mentally dealt with it.

I said some bad things when I was pregnant with DS2 also. Nowhere near as bad as this and they were not at all gender related (team green). I felt very guilty about night weaning DS1 to get my period back to ttc again right when he turned 1. I got pg right away and felt so bad that he needed me so much and here I was being selfish. My milk supply dried up and he went from loving and needing his nursing to getting excited about a nightly bottle. He actually never took a paci until 16 months then became addicted to them. *I* was his comfort before that. I felt horrible that I had ruined our relationship. I told some people that I didn't even want the baby and I felt I had made a terrible mistake. I didn't think I would love another as much as DS1. Of course I was still excited, so I had mixed emotions and it wan't NEARLY as bad as anything I've been feeling this time. I don't feel bad at all about the things I said or thought when I was pregnant with him though. That's just how I felt then. He was born and he was amazing and perfect. He's my little buddy now, so cute, so smart, so sweet. 

I'm not sure where to go from here. I suppose if it doesn't get any better near the end I will ask for antidepressants because I know it's not fair to the baby, my other boys or my husband. If I somehow find something to turn my thoughts around before then I'm hoping things turn out like DS2s birth. It's harder when you don't WANT to feel ok with another boy. ((((HUGS))) and good luck 

Thank you so much ladies. Sometimes I just have all these feelings built up and need to get them out and am too ashamed to tell people IRL. Thank you for making me feel less crazy and giving me some hope it will get better afte he's born.