so confused :(

Hi everyone, I just found this board and wanted to air my feelings in the hope that it will help. I have 2 wonderful sons who are the centre of my world and who I love so so much. I am 20 weeks pregnant with number 3, and have just found out at my scan that we are expecting another boy. I knew I wanted a girl but was unprepared at how sad I feel. This is our last baby, and I don't so much feel upset that this baby is male, but that I will never raise a daughter. It's not like I wanted to dress a girl in pink girly clothes cause thats not me at all, I hate pink and am not girly myself! I have an amazing relationship with my mum but not with my dad and really wanted a relationship like that with a daughter of mine. At the same time, I feel so sad for this baby that it's mother is sad he is not a girl and confusingly if anyone suggested to me that its a shame he isnt a girl I would bite their head off! i keep hoping they got it wrong and that he is a she, but I saw his bits for myself and there was no mistake. I feel all confused, and want this horrible feeling to go so I can get on with enjoying my pregnancy and my baby.

Welcome ! U will find many ppl on here feel the same wAy. U will find tons of support on here!

Hi, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too am expecting DS3 in a month! Actually less.. yikes. I really thought this was a girl. I swayed, I had totally diff symptoms. I was convinced. At 16 weeks (not even) the sonographer told us that we were in fact having another boy. I was devastated. I kept trying to tell myself that all that mattered was that he was healthy.. but, really I was having such a hard time. She didn't give us the potty shot, and I never saw our other 2 boys (they were surprises) so I spent 5 weeks searching online how a girl can look like a boy in early ultrasounds. Well at 21 weeks I saw our boy in all his glory. And there is no doubt he is a boy. Even though part of me still fantasizes of a girl suddenly popping out in a few weeks or a surprise twin ;). This was supposed to be our last.. and very well may be.. My DH is terrified of 4, let alone what if it's 4 boys. It's gotten much easier to accept that this is a boy since my 21 week scan. I think I needed to confirm it again, as well as once I started feeling the baby move so much it's really helped me. I also have an extremely close relationship with my mom, and really want a daughter to have that same experience. I just want to experience raising both genders. But, I don't know how that would ever be doable. Our sons are young 4 and 2.5, we are feeling old (38) and we don't have that much money to raise so many kids. So I guess this is what it is,r ight? We have to move on and accept that these are things we can not control. Also, we have no idea what kind of adult relationships we may we have with our sons. It's easy to assume a monther/daughter relationship will be closer then a mother/son.. but really it's all up to the individuals you know? I know people with older boys and they said that they have long ago moved past their GD and feel good about their family as it is. I think that with time, you will feel better. These first few weeks/months of just finding out I found very hard. I imagine once the baby is no longer an abstract thing and is here, you will never be able to imagine your life without him. it's funny. The more I look around now too, the more families I see with just one gender rather then a mix. I know so many people expecting their 3rd boy or girl.. adn so many more with just 2 boys or 2 girls. Hang in there! You are not alone.. you just time to work through it. Oh, and the stranger comments are the worst.. I literally have people everyday say to me.. oh I hope that's your girl in there (in front of my kids) and I say no.... this is boy #3.... and they just kind of ignore it and say.. oh hopefully it's a girl.. huh? I mean I laugh about it.. but if I was where I was at when I first found out, I would have been so upset for the rest of the day/week. Who are these people??? I would never say that to someone.. crazy. Just hang in there!

 You're definitely not alone. A lot of us here feel the same way. Even my DH has admitted that he will be disappointed and will "cry a little on the inside" if this baby is another boy. 

Congrats on your new baby though! How old are your others? I bet they're excited for a baby brother.

Hugs as I too know exactly how you feel but am having my 3rd girl. I hope any horrible feelings go away soon; for you and for all of us who feel them, especially when people say the cruel things they do (yesterday my dd's grandmother said to everyone how boys are the best because they don't give you any trouble in life). I think she only said it to make her daughter feel better since she had 3 boys but it really made me feel awful   Know you are definitely not alone!  

Hey tealover, you are so not alone on here, I am anticipating (though hoping with all my might, that I am not) being in the same position in the next couple of years. Just found out exactly a week ago that I am having DS2 and DH has agreed to try for another although there is no guarantees that that will be a gir (and it will be our last)l. I found it so hard to imagine being told that this one was a girl and could almost taste the disappointment before I even had my scan as I was so convinced this was another boy, I dared not hope for a girl. My reasons for wanting a girl are the opposite of yours- I had a really poor relationship with my mother and swore that I would be different towards my own daughter (s), It breaks my heart to think I may never get the chance. I am starting to get over my feelings a bit now, a bit of retail therapy has done me the world of good, I know I will love him when he arrives and I have started to wonder who/what he will look like. You WILL stop feeling like this, it's taken me about a week to start feeling excited again and it may take a bit longer but you will get there. Sounds like our boys will be a week apart! Hugs x

 *hugs* I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm in the same boat, with 2 boys already and a baby on the way (I'm 21 weeks, so looks like we're due around the same time!). At my 18 week U/S, the tech was very unsure about the gender because baby just wasn't very cooperative. BUT she did say hesitantly, that if she had to lean one way she would say boy. [:'(] The only reason I didn't stop her from telling me her 'guess' was because I thought for sure she'd say girl. That, I could've handled. She then pulled up a pic from earlier in the U/S and pointed to what *may* have been a penis and scrotum, although I really don't know. That's what it looked like to me, but she said it was not from the angle that she likes, and the 'penis' could have been cord. So I've been struggling for the past few weeks thinking that it must be a boy, and really trying to prepare myself for it. I've scheduled another U/S at a private clinic for May 2, so I just have to wait until then, although it's been incredibly difficult. 

I just wanted to offer you some insight into my story as well. You are SO not alone in your feelings, I feel almost exactly the same way down to the reasons for wanting a dd, and the disappointment of not ever having one because I'm the one who doesn't want anymore kids. Although one thing that's different between us is that I am a total girly girl (always have been), and wanted to have one of my own. I know if I had a DD, she could be a tomboy and not into girly stuff at all but a girl is a girl, there's no two ways around it. At least I'd be the mother of the bride one day (probably ). 

Anyway, hang in there. I know it must be incredibly tough right now, but it will get easier to accept your new little boy as time goes on.

Thankyou for your supportive replies. I feel a little better today, I have had a good chat with my DH and my mum. She especially has been good, she really 'gets' me. That special relationship again! I have realised that I had subconsciously been thinking of the baby as a girl, I am a crafter and had been thinking of all the pretty girly cardigans I could knit, and the patchwork quilt I could make with the whimsical fabrics that are too girly for my boys. I had been hoarding fabric for it even, and hadn't really noticed I was doing it! Am trying to find lovely knitting patterns for boys, but there are just not as many and they are not as nice. bit like boys names! I really don't feel resentful to this baby for being male, but that none of my children are going to be female. But then again I never look at my boys and wish they were girls! My sons are 4 and 2, and both have birthdays in June so will be a year older when the baby arrives. My eldest was hoping for a girl, and when I told him he looked sad and said 'but mummy we already have 2 boys, can we have a girl instead?' I didn't realise 4 year olds could get GD! I had to explain that we don't get to choose and we will love the baby just the same. A good friend of mine told me she felt the same when she was expecting her 2nd child. Her 1st is a girl, and she really wanted a boy. She found out at her scan and was dissapointed but she said it all faded once the baby arrived. She then went on to have her 3rd, they decided not to find out that time and she gave birth to a 3rd girl! She said she didnt have GD because she didn't know until the baby arrived and that rush of love stopped it in it's tracks. I wonder how many women feel this way but say nothing, and if it happens more to those who find out at the scan?

Hi,

There are lots of parents who feel this way so you're definitely not alone. Keep talking to us and if you have a down day, come and chat about it, there'll always be someone who can empathise

xx

I think having GD to some degree is very, very common. I had it very mildly with my first DS, because I wanted a girl really badly - not necessarily first though, and I knew we would have more kids so I think that's why the GD wasn't too bad. We didn't find out the gender but I just knew the whole time that he was a boy. With my second DS, I had GD a little more because I actually really expected him to be a girl (we didn't find out his gender until birth either). I wasn't "dead set" that he was a girl, I just had a little feeling he was. Well when he came out, I was disappointed. I still loved him just the same and we've had a wonderful bond from the minute he was born, but I was disappointed nonetheless. Now that I'm expecting this to be our last I am totally desperate to know what the gender is. I feel like I couldn't handle dealing with the disappoinment at the time of birth, should it be a boy. Because I know there would be more disappointment than I had with my last DS, and that was enough. I want to be able to accept it during pregnancy and try to get excited about a DS3, should it be one. And if it happens to be a girl, then I can spend the remainder of the pregnancy excited, not wondering. 

To each their own, I think. But for me, I think not finding out this time could be a disaster on the big day if it's a little boy.

That's so funny.. it's exactly what my 4 year old said! He said the baby should be a girl because we already have too many boys. He was asking for a sister before we even got pregnant! I don't know if maybe a lot of his friends at school have sisters? Or he just wanted to experience it. He told his teacher he would like the baby to be a girl, but he thinks that it is a boy.. so maybe "mommy should have 2 babies, a boy and a girl.. that would be the best".. nice, huh? I had to find out this time beforehand, I still feel guilty for crying when DS2 was born, and they were not tears of joy :( Poor little guy is the sweetest little thing ever too.. I too really thought this baby was a girl, I was constantly calling the baby a she etc.. not realizing I was doing it. My kids also constantly refer to the baby as she, or her.. but maybe it's just our desire was so strong?