Another GD obstacle

Its been so long since I posted here.  I just needed to vent and ask for advice.  So my sister just found out she is pregnant..... she has a son.... I have 2 daughters.... the issue is when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter I reached out to her and told her how I felt, I had GD and absolutely did not want another girl but now its DG because when I had my 2nd DD I was ok with it and now I just want a DS.  I cried to her for many days and told her how bad I wanted a boy.  Well one day she and I got into a heated argument and she said to me thats why I am not having a boy and thats what I get, she said I don't deserve a son and will never be blessed with a son.  That hurt my heart so bad I was depressed for weeks.  That all occured while I was 6 months pregnant.  I didn't speak with her for 2 months.  Fast forward 2 years later we patched things up, I forgave her but I never forgot what she said and how much it hurt.  From that point on she always found little ways to say how much she is happy she has a son and how girls can be complicated and alot of work.  I always brushed it off and said its not as bad as you put it.  Last week she told the family that she is pregnant and made it known she wants a BOY because again girls are so complicated (in her eyes).  I don't know what to do.... I want her to have what she desires but if she has a boy I have to go through the "my boys are better than your girls" thing all over again.  I dont know if I can handle it emotionally.  I really don't want to feel that way and I want to just be happy about having a new nephew or niece.  I am not a jealous person but I don't want to deal with her throwing it up in my face.  Then I have to hear everybody in my family praising her for having her 2 boys.  Our dad shows his favortism in her son already and since we already have so many girls in our family they praise the boys.  ALSO!  My DH and I had been planning to try for a DS, we are planning to start trying this fall and we have been planning this for a year now we were just waiting til the time for right.  I am also afraid that she will have 2 boys and I will have 3 girls.  I am a nervous wreck over here and I just want this feeling to go away.  I am always so happy for my friends or family that get the gender they want but in this situation I just can't find it in myself to be happy.  Does anybody have any advice or similar situations they have been through???

First, BIG HUGS!!!! Your sis could be speaking from her heart, OR she could be sick with envy that you have girls! I know after DS1 I said terrible and negative stuff like that (telling people I didn't want a girl for this or that reason) b/c I wanted others to hurt the way I was hurting (yes totally immature!). You know the old saying, misery loves company?  Your sis sounds like she's trying to protect herself from feeling GD (I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me).

I'm at a place in my GD journey right now that I've moved past those ultra-defensive feelings, I've learned to love and embrace being a mom to all boys, while at the very same time being honest about wanting a daughter as well. It's a much healthier place to be. 

I remember at my bf's bridal shower a few years ago I was the only one there without a daughter. Everyone was sharing the pics of their little girls and I was feeling very left out and jealous. My bf asked one mom of 2 girls, "Are you going to try for a boy?" to which the girl answered no, that her dh said no more, girl or boy.... then she paused and said (in a defensive tone) "and I like the 'girl thing' anyway!" She could've stuck a knife in my heart that one little comment hurt me so! So I took out a cute pic of my DS1 (I only had him at the time) and tried to showher and she acted busy and didn't even look at it. I was SO HURT!!! [:'(] Now looking back (and knowing more about her now), I know for a fact she was feeling GD! Now her reactions make so much sense and I can't believe I totally missed her GD, I was so consumed with the thinking that she felt superior b/c she had girls but I was so off!!

Don't let her get under your skin, and don't stoop to her level. Enjoy your precious girls and have fun with them. I'm sorry your sister's son gets favored, that's so not fair. I would have a talk with your dad about that and nip it in the bud! I hope you get your boy so you can move past all this GD cr@p (PLEASE take all my blue dust!!!!!!!! lol), but if you get a 3rd girl, I promise you 3 of a kind is very special!!!! 

I go through so of the same things with my SIL her and my brother have 2 girls and 1 boy. I have 4 boys. I would love a girl and she knows it. Not only is it threw in my face that she has girls but that she has both genders. I love my niece dearly but it hurts to be around them. My brother and his wife hardly ever keep the girl her mom always has them but if she know I'm gonna to be around or something she dress them girls up like that are going to sunday morning chuch. In the cutest clothes and bow you have ever seen. Yes this kills me but i do hide it on account of the girls. But she knows what she's doing. My family loves my boys but they are always talking about my brothers girls and the pageants and all that. Im not sure that they see its bringing me down. But i know for a fact she knows what she is doing when she is around me and i can't tell she enjoys it.

Havebluwantp1nktoo:

First, BIG HUGS!!!! Your sis could be speaking from her heart, OR she could be sick with envy that you have girls! I know after DS1 I said terrible and negative stuff like that (telling people I didn't want a girl for this or that reason) b/c I wanted others to hurt the way I was hurting (yes totally immature!). You know the old saying, misery loves company?  Your sis sounds like she's trying to protect herself from feeling GD (I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me).

 

Definitely this!!!

Don't let her silly comments upset you, raising children is what you make of it, gender has jack all to do with it.

xxx

Hello ladies,

Thank you for your encouraging words.  I have been doing better, I spoke with my DH about the way I have been feeling and he was very positive about it and said don't worry sweetie we are going to try our hardest to have a boy and if not we have every reason in the world to be happy with our life.  My sis is going through alot and has been for a while so he said look at how unhappy she is.  If thats the only thing that can make her happy then let her have her happiness.  I am just still so afraid she is gonna get the boy and when I sway for my boy in Oct its gonna be a 3rd DD for us and its gonna be so hard for me. I am almost certain it will end up that way so i am preparing myself now so when the time comes I will be over it. That can be true about her really wanting a girl but trying to hide it. I also think if she does have a girl she is gonna brag about how she has 1 boy and 1 girl (the PP) in 1 shot and brag and brag and brag. I just dont feel like hearing this crap for the remainder of her pregnancy or the remainder of our childrens child hood. I wish I could fast fwd 20 years from now so the kids would be grown and we would be long over GD. LOL!

 I think you shoudlnt worry until you know what IS!  you cant predict how you will feel.  I woudl just wait and see what your sister is having and wait to TTC again.  seriosuly - sometimes family and ppl IRL make GD worse.  they say things and really they feel the same - but thy make us feel the same.  honestly- your sister feels the same about boys as you do-- and she is making a big deal.  To be honest- sometimes these are the pl that have a PP. 

 

 

So sorry!! That is a tough situation to be in, especially with your sister! The thing is right it's in the "if" stage and you have to think, really really think what IF it's a girl. She has to face you and those mean things she said and in turn eat her words! And you could very well get your precious boy and then you can truly tell her there is no difference between them, boy or girl! See one of my very best friends had her dd1 just a couple of weeks after my dd1, then two years later they tried for a boy and got dd2, and a big oops... Their son! She was thrilled!!! Their dd2, and ds are 11 months apart and she sends me pictures of the kids a lot and I have asked "what it like?" and "is he so much fun?" and she always says "you know, not anymore than the girls honestly and he's been slightly more difficult at times. I think the girls are more versatile" which of course makes me feel so much better. Now she could just be being a good friend but it sounds pretty honest. And I think, really lucky and I know I wont love my boy any more/better. Neither will you! Big big hugs!!! Everything will work out! Can't wait to read about your BOY announcement!

Thank you ladies.  Canadian people can definitely be cruel to people with all one gender especially people with both.  They act as if they hit the lottery.  I mean I know we all kinda want both genders but if I ever have a boy I wont brag about it to a mom of all girls or a mom of all boys.  I am just not that type.  If my sister does have a girl I am not going to laugh or say haha welcome to my world.  As bad as I would want to I just wont do it so I won't have bad luck when its time for me to conceive my 3rd.  LOL!  Thank you babybleu, I hope to hear about your BLUE announcement soon.  I was actually overly excited when my DH agreed to try again for a 3rd this year.  I was supposed to try Nov 2010 right after i had my dd2. But we decided to wait because we weren't ready fiancially.  Then we wanted to try Oct 2011, but my DH got sent away for his job so we said lets wait again, also my DH is turning 30 this year and we plan to throw him a big party so I didn't want to be pregnant during that event LOL!  So we set in stone to start Oct 2012.  Then once I got her news I was thinking OMG!  what am I gonna do. I almost feel like her pregnancy lowered my chances of having a boy.  I know it sounds wierd but I just keep having crazy thoughts.  I know you ladies are probably thinking why does she want to keep trying in Oct well I always wanted a summer baby.  Both my daughters bday is in the winter. But I do agree with your friend babybleu, I think both genders have their ups and downs and thats what I was trying to tell my sister.  Like boys arent a walk in the park and neither are girls.  I know I don't have a son but I have friends with sons and they have their complaints too. But I am definitely gonna listen to what Canadian said because I think I can just be overreacting and just wait because it just might be a girl after all.

 I know how you feel....tho' I'm the opposite and long for a little girl!!....I have wanted one since before my first son was born, I always saw myself as a mother of girls...I hadnt even thought about having a boy and yet here I am pregnant with my third boy!!...I'm feeling similar feelings currently. about my sister and my GD is rearing its ugly head again...simply because I just found out my sister is pregnant with her first! Completely unplanned! I have already convinced myself that she is having a girl and shes only 4 weeks pregnant! ...the thought of her being able to give my parents their first grandaughter is already killing me inside. I know she will love it if shes having a girl just to secretly spite me, tho' shes always said she wanted twin boys since we were younger...and she could have as there are twins in her bf's family. I hate feeling so bitter and twisted but I cant help it. I always thought I'd feel so elated when my sister fell pregnant, especially when our children will be only 6mths apart. Instead, I feel nothing but resentment and it feels as though this poor baby I am carrying has yet another bad feeling against him (with a new baby in the family to distract attention even more so). To make it worse I really dont think my poor husband really wants to try again for another baby in the future :0(...

 I didnt even know what GD was before finding this site and going through what I have been through. I'm in the UK and the doctors have been unbelievably helpful, giving me more scans to 'help me come to terms with things' and referring me for therapy etc. Which shows, I guess, how more common GD is becoming. I was so ashamed to feel these feelings torwards a planned and much wanted, let alone healthy unborn baby!!.....I still feel so guilty about feeling like this, especially for my poor husband whos supported me so much emotionally.....and now about my sister... I can feel this about to cause problems in my family so I can understand how youre feeling completely. 

Havebluwantp1nktoo:

First, BIG HUGS!!!! Your sis could be speaking from her heart, OR she could be sick with envy that you have girls! I know after DS1 I said terrible and negative stuff like that (telling people I didn't want a girl for this or that reason) b/c I wanted others to hurt the way I was hurting (yes totally immature!). You know the old saying, misery loves company?  Your sis sounds like she's trying to protect herself from feeling GD (I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me).

 

 

 

I'm with havebluewantpink, I think your sis may have a little gd of her own.

It is annoying beyond belief (to me) when people put children in two categories boy/ girl and act as if gender is the only thing about the child that matters.  As if it solely determines how 'easy' or 'hard' a child will be, what they will be interested in, how their personality will be, how expensive they will be (yeah, maybe cheerleading is expensive, but so is baseball!), boy clothes are just as expensive as girls (I mean, have you noticed the layering trend for little boys???  Apparently, three shirts are necessary to look cool!)  My point is this, boy or girl, each has challenges  and each are so very rewarding!  

 

God bless you sweetie, I hope your sis straightens up her act.  I'll be interested to see how she reacts if this is a baby girl.  I bet she'll barely be able to contain her excitement.

 

GGandB:

.  I know you ladies are probably thinking why does she want to keep trying in Oct well I always wanted a summer baby.  Both my daughters bday is in the winter..

 

 

I am so with you on this one.  I had ds1 in the winter and had horrible depression (I always struggle with keeping my mood stabilized in winter, adding preg/ post part hormones on top of it was too much!).  DS2 was born in the summer and it was heaven. 

 

I am also dead set on trying to have a summer or spring baby. If we don't conceive by Sept or Oct, we will stop trying until next year.  

Hello ladies just wanted to update you on this last post, well my sister is in fact having a BOY!  I knew it and saw it coming.  I was so hurt but I am ok now.  I just hope I get my chance one day.  Surprisingly she hasn't said anything or made my GD worse.  I am still a little afraid because we still have all of our lives (or until I have a boy) to hear stupid comments.  I have heard dumb comments from my mom like "shes gonna have the boys and you're gonna have the girls, if you have another baby it will be a girl, you will have all girls".  It irks my freaking nerves when she says that.  Any advice on how to handle the stupid comments I am about to endure about the girls vs the boys???? 

GGandB:

Its been so long since I posted here.  I just needed to vent and ask for advice.  So my sister just found out she is pregnant..... she has a son.... I have 2 daughters.... the issue is when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter I reached out to her and told her how I felt, I had GD and absolutely did not want another girl but now its DG because when I had my 2nd DD I was ok with it and now I just want a DS.  I cried to her for many days and told her how bad I wanted a boy.  Well one day she and I got into a heated argument and she said to me thats why I am not having a boy and thats what I get, she said I don't deserve a son and will never be blessed with a son.  That hurt my heart so bad I was depressed for weeks.  That all occured while I was 6 months pregnant.  I didn't speak with her for 2 months.  Fast forward 2 years later we patched things up, I forgave her but I never forgot what she said and how much it hurt.  From that point on she always found little ways to say how much she is happy she has a son and how girls can be complicated and alot of work.  I always brushed it off and said its not as bad as you put it.  Last week she told the family that she is pregnant and made it known she wants a BOY because again girls are so complicated (in her eyes).  I don't know what to do.... I want her to have what she desires but if she has a boy I have to go through the "my boys are better than your girls" thing all over again.  I dont know if I can handle it emotionally.  I really don't want to feel that way and I want to just be happy about having a new nephew or niece.  I am not a jealous person but I don't want to deal with her throwing it up in my face.  Then I have to hear everybody in my family praising her for having her 2 boys.  Our dad shows his favortism in her son already and since we already have so many girls in our family they praise the boys.  ALSO!  My DH and I had been planning to try for a DS, we are planning to start trying this fall and we have been planning this for a year now we were just waiting til the time for right.  I am also afraid that she will have 2 boys and I will have 3 girls.  I am a nervous wreck over here and I just want this feeling to go away.  I am always so happy for my friends or family that get the gender they want but in this situation I just can't find it in myself to be happy.  Does anybody have any advice or similar situations they have been through???

 Glad you are feeling better now, I understand.  When I found out my brother and sil were having a girl (they already had a boy) I felt hurt as well.  It's okay now for the most part, but dumb people say stuff like, oh you're parents finally got a granddaughter.   I know this sounds cliche but just think that all children are special, and even if you do go on to have another girl, she will still be very special.

Thank you wildwooddays.  Its funny how it always end up that way... someone else like a close friend or family member get your DG and you have to sit and watch them enjoy those special moments.  I agree they should think all the children are special and not based off gender.  My dad does that alot.  He favors my nephew over my girls.  My mom doesn't do it but she does make her comments like I will have 3 girls and she knows I want a boy but blah I just try to ignore.