DS2 is now 2 months old, and although I love him to bits I am also constantly sad to think that he is not a girl. I feel like I am really struggling to be a good parent to my 2 boys now. DS1 is 2 1/2 and very demanding, and DS2 is suffering a little with reflux and I find myself just crying whenever DS2 cries.
I feel like it was only after hearing at my 13 week scan that it was likely a boy that I realised how much I didn't want a boy for either DS1 or DS2. In my mind I had just assumed that I would have a girl for my second...especially after I did the girl diet and all. I realise in hindsight we really stuffed up the timing.
I suffered GD all through my pregnancy and my DH is really getting fed up with me. I doubt our marriage will even last long enough to have a 3rd child, to be honest. I can't seem to snap out of my sadness. I can't find the positive in anything. My DH often looks after the boys in the afternoon so I can go out for a walk and get some exercise on my own, but I am so sad the whole time, and imagine how nice it would be if I could just keep walking and never go home. I get to the turning point in my walk and have to come back again, and I just start crying about the fact that I have to come home. This can't be normal. Have been seeing a psychologist who recommends anti-depressants, but I just don't want to be taking pills to sort this out. Surely I need to deal with the issue instead...I don't know. I'm in a bad place.
And having 2 boys has made me really dislike my MIL, who also has 2 boys. I guess I see my future through her, and it is pretty bleak. 2 boys who never call, never visit, and who are rude to her. And she is really needy and annoying and overly possessive of my children. It is me...staring back from the future.
I just think of that saying...something like daughters are yours for life and sons are yours until they find a wife...