Is "not finding out" a recipe for GD disaster?

We were firmly Team Green, but now I'm hemming and hawing, especially since most of my early u/s guesses have been "girl." I have two amazing sons, but DH and I are chomping at the bit for a daughter. I know I will get over it if it's a boy, but I know I will be disappointed - I can't help it. This is our last child, and if it's a boy I will have to mourn the loss of the daughter I will never have. So that said, is it a bad idea to find out the gender at birth? Our thinking is that we'd love to have an air of mystery surrounding the pregnancy and enjoy that surprise at birth. I think two scenarios could happen if it's a boy: a) I will fall instantly in love with him or b) I will feel disappointed at the delivery and it will take me awhile to move past those feelings. I fear the latter scenario. Would it be better to find out early so that I can get past any negative/sad feelings if it's a boy - before delivery?

You'll probably get half of us saying you should find out, and half saying you shouldn't.

IMO, you should. I know if I had hope for a girl and heard boy on delivery day, I would have to deal with my disappointment on the very day I should be rejoicing my brand new baby and that wouldn't be fair to him, me, or my dh. For me, I found out because I didn't want anything to ruin something that is so amazing and special (birth of my child), I wanted to work out my feelings of disappointment before he (they) were born. I don't regret finding out at all- yes the first month or so after the big u/s was always very, very hard, but by the time my babies were ready to be born I was excited and couldn't wait to meet them!

With DS3, my 11 week u/s had ALL girl guesses, and my 12 week u/s had 50/50 guesses, with even one of the techs saying girl! 

I would personally find out- if it's a girl, well then you have the entire PG to buy pink and be excited for your girl, and if it's boy #3 you can work through your feelings before he's born.

All this said, my DS3 has been the cure of most of my GD.  I still want a dd, but am SO GLAD my DS3 was and is my 3rd son! :)

For me if I was going to feel disappointed I wanted to feel it while pregnant, not at the birth. No matter what, that day was going to be about the baby and his needs, not about me and my wants. He needed to be welcomed into the world with nothing but joy. And he was.

Now I know many people wait and don't feel disappointed once they see their baby. I wasn't able to be sure that *I* would feel that way so I didn't want to chance it.

Also, I'm impatient.

I was in the same position as you with my 3rd pregnancy. I too had very strong girl vibes at the beginning of my pregnancy and had I heard girl at my 20 week scan I would have been sooooo excited and would have spent the remaining months planning and shopping and in a whirl of disbelief and happiness.

But I feared my GD, of hearing boy again so I chose not to find out. I also wanted to experience the big delivery room surprise, especially since I was having a c/section. I kept thinking of how I would feel and react if a girl popped out!

However, once the big scan was gone the feelings of pink faded and I became almost certain it was a boy, part of it was self-protection, I figured if I thought it was a boy I wouldn't be disappointed if he was. I also just couldn't imagine I would be lucky enough to get a girl. It seemed an unlikely dream.

So by the time of my birth I was pretty firm about my boy. Took a blue outfit, had spent the last few months thinking of my Edward and coming to terms with him and...out popped my girl! My reaction wasn't what I was expecting, I looked at her and thought 'that isn't Edward'. I had so built up this baby in my mind he was real and it was a shock not to see him. I didn't immediately bond with her becuase she seemed so alien - a girl - how could she possibly be mine!! Once people realised and brought me pink and I'd had time to get my head round it I was of course absolutely thrilled and I'm so happy and grateful to have her but I'll never forget that first day and how weird it felt. Also, instead of being able to plan and buy at lesuire I felt pressure to buy clothes and items I might not normally have chosen, especially as I was laid up and couldn't shop properly.

This time I'm definitely finding out. I want that time to prepare myself properly for the baby. I know if I hear boy at the scan I'll feel slightly disappointed (I'd like to give DD a sister) but I also know it will pass as I prepare for the baby I know is in there, rather than one I'm unsure about.

I think my reaction is probably unusual and not one I would have every anticipated. But yes, waiting for me was a bad idea!

Halah:

For me if I was going to feel disappointed I wanted to feel it while pregnant, not at the birth. No matter what, that day was going to be about the baby and his needs, not about me and my wants. He needed to be welcomed into the world with nothing but joy. And he was. 

 

 

These are my thoughts exactly.  If I thought there was a chance I would feel disappointment, I would find out so I could deal with emotions prior to baby's birth.

I just think there are so many other issues after birth with hormones, lack of sleep, emotional ups and downs, major laundry/cleaning demands, breast feeding issues, etc that adding even a bit of GD on top is just not a good idea (for me).  

Right now, I am planning to go TG as I don't feel any strong emotions at this point about having a boy or girl.  I'm in this great place where I would be thrilled with either; however, that could easily change and if it does, I won't be going TG for sure :) 

 

 

Thanks, ladies - it helps to get advice from people who know what I'm feeling. I'm kind of leaning toward feeling like we should find out. Like one of you said, I don't want anything to take away from the joy of my baby's birth. I am just afraid that over the next 6 months, I'm going to build up this hope that it's a girl and then I'll be shellshocked if I see a penis in the delivery room!

I know this sounds so stupid, but we've already told everyone that we're not finding out, and they're all excited for the "big surprise." I'm going to feel like an idiot telling our family and friends we couldn't wait! And I don't want to divulge the reasons why - I am already getting the dreaded "Hopefully it's a girl!" "We're praying for a girl!" from people. I guess we could always find out and keep it from them until the big day??

You don't have to tell anyone else, if you're questioned why you're using a particular pronoun then just say you have a feeling its a XXXX and you prefer not to use 'it' (I automatically refer to my babies as 'he') if this baby is a boy I won't be telling anyone except DH and a close friend. I thought all the gender comments would vanish once I had a girl - I was mistaken!

  DHs cousin bawled and told them to take him away because she didn't want him when they went team green and had a 3rd boy. Other people see their baby and are so in awe that they completely forget about gender. It's up to you. I don't think extreme GD would be my reaction but I don't doubt that I would be disappointed. We went team green last time for the experience but I knew I wouldn't be extremely disappointed with another boy since we figured we'd have #3 some day. This time, I'm definitely finding out. For me the surprise wasn't worth the wait.  

Also no, you don't have to tell anybody you know the sex. DH is wanting for us to find out but not tell anybody else. I'm a terrible secret keeper though, especially if it is a girl, I'll want to buy a bunch of girly stuff. 

Thanks! I know I won't have extreme GD or tell them to take him away or anything like that - it's taken us 2 years to get pregnant and I'm so excited to have another monkey to love, G or B. I just really don't want to feel any shred of disappointment at all, you know? My child deserves better. Maybe DH and I will find out and keep it a secret - I mean we won't even tell anyone we know. I'll talk to him about it tonight. I SO MUCH appreciate everyone's candid feedback!

Halah:

For me if I was going to feel disappointed I wanted to feel it while pregnant, not at the birth. No matter what, that day was going to be about the baby and his needs, not about me and my wants. He needed to be welcomed into the world with nothing but joy. And he was.

I couldn't have said it better!

One thing I would suggest though, is perhaps not telling many people what you are having if you do find out. Maybe just have you and DH know. Otherwise you'll get endless comments, no matter what the sex.

If its a girl you should find out at birth, if its a boy you should find out now lol, i know thats what you want, personally i would find out then you can either really look forward to your grl, or get over your gd before birth if its a boy xxxxxx

Just saw my OB today for the first time since my scan. She was proud I went early because she knows I had bad GD with DS1. I told her that I know some people fall instantly in love at birth even if it's not the desired gender and she said that she had actually had MANY people who did NOT and then felt really terrible about it. And its hard to hide because that moment is so intense anyway and then EVERYONE in the room feels awful! That's why she always strongly recommends people find out beforehand. Yes, I'm devastated to now have a house full of blue when I only ever wanted pink...but I have 24 weeks to come to terms. This is my second (and last) GD rodeo and I'm glad I found out beforehand both times.

I found out because I wanted time to come to term with it. Better than waiting and being disappointed at the birth

I've been going through the same dilemma and in the end I couldn't wait, turned out to be another boy and I was far more upset than I thought I would be. We thought we'd find out and not tell anyone but I have realised that, regardless of people's reactions, I will need to tell people. Otherwise I will hold it all in and then have to deal with the GD all over again when the baby arrives. I think telling people will make it more real and help me to come to terms with it because if people are negaytive about it, I will get angry and feel all protective towards my baby. I think if you get used to the idea beforehand and tell everyone, you will feel a twinge when he arrives but that is all... you will love your baby, it's instinctive.