One of my best friends has a girl yesterday - how do I deal with the jealously ?

You know I don't know how to deal with this myself.  I can only hope you deal with it better than I have chosen.  I just actually received the invitation to my best friends "baby shower" in which she is expecting a baby girl.  I know I am a terrible person and should be there for my friend through thick and thin but after living through numerous SIL's giving birth to baby girls as I keep producing baby boys (literally within weeks of each other) I just can't do it again.  I just can't live through another "pink" shower.  I just can't live through playing happy around the new baby all adorned with pink bows and ribbons.  I'm just burnt out with GD and have decided that it is best for me personally to just drop my best friend.  I unfortunately can't drop the SIL's (darn) otherwise they would go to. 

So I guess I don't have any true solutions but wanted to let you know that you are not the only one out there that has to deal with this issue. 

Rumngingerangel:

I know the feeling!! :(  I am one of 5 of my friends who are all currently pregnant -- all due around this summer, and the other 4 found out that they are all having daughters (one friend after 2 sons; one friend after 1 son; 1 friend after a daugther & then a son; and another friend after 1 daughter).  I'm feeling really disappointed because I'm the only one who is having another boy out of all of us...and they all get their daughters!! :(

 

Wow, that must be hard. Thankfully, I have a few friends who have all boys and who will stay that way. Some had no GD, some did, to varying degrees, but as you all know, it's a taboo subject that's not discussed much IRL.

IF it's any encouragement, I'm now a month after fiding out gender and feeling a bit better. I don't know it's it's time healing, the therapy, the hypnotherapy, or a combination of all those, but I am feeling a bit "lighter". It's stil really hard to actually realize that I will never have a DD - I guess I just always assumed it would happen some dayand now I'm faced with the very real possibility that there will be no DD, ever (not leaning towards having a thrid child at this point). It's kinda surreal actually...

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way,

I feel the same, but the opposite way around. I have 2 girls and everyone I know has at least one boy, I long for a boy so badly I'm scared of becoming pregnant in case it's another girl, which I feel awful about, especially as I know there are women out there who long for a girl. It doesn't help that I come from a culture that favours boys, and when we had our second girl countless number of people said how sorry they were, even though my husband and I were over the moon to have 2 children, regardless of their gender!

Massive hugs, I hope you find a way to deal with this

x

"I feel the same, but the opposite way around. I have 2 girls and everyone I know has at least one boy, I long for a boy so badly I'm scared of becoming pregnant in case it's another girl, which I feel awful about, especially as I know there are women out there who long for a girl."

Thanks to the ladies who posted replies after my post!  I was actually feeling a lot of GD again this morning (especially after going into a baby store and the ladies around me were so excited over the adorable girl dresses...and I wish I could buy those too)...but after coming home & reading the replies, I'm already feeling a bit better - so thank you! :)

 I don't know if anyone else is going through this, but I think one of the reasons I'm sad about having another boy (and no girl) is that I long for a relationship with a daughter like the very close relationships I share with my mother & grandmother...and all of the men that I can think of, they all seem to leave once they are adults & rarely talk to their moms.  It makes me so sad to think that I may feel so alone as I get older...and all I dream for is a close bond with my children -- and of course I'd love to do the "girly" things with a daughter too.  A few friends have said, "well at least you won't have to deal with the drama of having a girl (later down the road)...", but the truth is...I actually wouldn't mind that "drama" that they speak of!  I was a pretty emotional/moody teenager, so I can understand what they are referring to, but the funny thing is that if I ever had a daughter, I wouldn't consider that such a bad thing at all.  In fact, quite the opposite!  I'd rather have girl "drama" than boy "I wonder what they are up to" (i.e. they can be quite secretive/independent/not wanting to share stuff with mom!...etc.) issues! 

Also, I have a very small family -- I am an only child & an only grandchild, and I only have one "half" cousin (who I rarely saw growing up & who now refuses to talk to our family) so I missed every having a sibling and I would love that in my family...but also that bond between a mother & daughter as I had with my mother growing up.  I also already look forward to being with grandchildren some day (if I am blessed to have grandchildren some day), and I don't know about you ladies....but I find that the moms of moms are really the ones involved given the opportunity. What I mean is, how often do you meet the father's mother taking care of/spending a lot of time with her son's kids?  I have a lot of friends in my neighbourhood that went back to work after their mat leave was over and their moms (parents) are helping look after their kids!  How often do you see the dad's mother being so involved?  Also, when do you ever hear about a dad's mother being there at the birth?  It's always been the mom's mom that I'm aware of (like with us, my mom was an amazing birth support for me...there during the entire labour....whereas my husband's mom just waited to hear the news of the baby over the phone afterwards).  I realize that it's quite selfish...but I long to be and remain a very important & INVOLVED part of my childrens lives...and I feel this is much more common & likely if I ever had a daughter! :(

Rumngingerangel-

I completely get what you are talking about.  Yes, I love all the dresses and bows but once girls turn around 8 years old that phase is over.  So I have spent hours and hours trying to figure out why I feel so lousy about having 3 boys.  And you hit the nail on the head.  Maybe it is sterotyping but it usually seems like the boys gravitate towards their wives families once they get married.  And where does that leave me?  Second fiddle?  Seriously, all these years of nurturing and all I get in return is to be lonely at the end? 

GD for me is something more than just going shopping.  It's a loss of a relationship.  It's about even if I get a granddaughter some day not being the Primary grandparent but the Secondary grandparent.  I don't want to be second best.....

Now that being said I'm trying to watch for situations where this delusion of mine doesn't ring true.  In my husbands family his brothers completely take care of his mother and his sisters get along with her like oil and vinegar.  So that does give me hope that maybe I am just playing on my fears of the future and it may not be a reality. 

"I long to be and remain a very important & INVOLVED part of my childrens lives...and I feel this is much more common & likely if I ever had a daughter! :("

 

If it helps, my MIL has been more involved with my children than my own mother. We live practically next door to the in-laws, and they are such a huge help, my girls have an amazing bond with them too. I consider myself very lucky to have such an awesome, caring MIL, that could be you one day!

xx

In reply to Imp1973: It's not always the case that boys gravitate towards their wives' families. My husband is one of three boys, and they are all very close to their mother. We live near to my in-laws and they see us and their grandchildren all the time, while my own parents live further away and are not as involved. I hope that my boys will grow up to be the same. To the OP: One of my friends is pregnant after having two boys. I hope she gets the gender she wants but I am secretly worrying how I will react if she has a girl. I desperately wanted my third to be a girl. There is a family who live round the corner from us who have two boys and a little girl and I used to see them heading off to school in the morning after I found out my third was going to be a boy and feel so jealous, and I don't even know them to speak to. I don't have any advice on dealing with it, but just another voice to let you know you're definitely not alone.

Rumngingerangel:

but I find that the moms of moms are really the ones involved given the opportunity. What I mean is, how often do you meet the father's mother taking care of/spending a lot of time with her son's kids? 

 

This is just not true. I know plenty of paternal grandmothers who are very involved in their grandchildrens lives. My own MIL is a wonderful women and she is extrememly close to my kids.  I think sometimes we are so worried about this stereotype that it is all we can see. My mil also has a daughter and she has decided to not have kids, so even if you get the girl you always wanted there is no guarantee that she will give you grandchildren. Honestly, i think the key to being an involved grandparent to a son or daughers kids is to be non-intrusive, non-judgemental and very helpful (just like my own mil).  

As for the jealousy. It sucks, I hate being jealous.  I have three boys and I am very happy with my family but sometimes when I hear someone getting a girl after a boy, I get so jealous I can't see straight.  I try to think of how happy I am with my own family and all of the great things happening with my life but dam sometimes the green eyed monster get the better of me. I have no answers just understanding.  Hugs

 

 

electra:

In reply to Imp1973: It's not always the case that boys gravitate towards their wives' families. My husband is one of three boys, and they are all very close to their mother. We live near to my in-laws and they see us and their grandchildren all the time, while my own parents live further away and are not as involved. I hope that my boys will grow up to be the same.

I agree with this. My dh is the oldest of four boys, and they are all very close to their mom. My older brother who is married is also a mama's boy. The relationship that they share is very special, and I hope to someday have that with my son(s).

PrincessX3:

I know exactly how you feel. A friend of mine just found out that she is having a boy after 4 girls. I am happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. I'm having #4 in October and I'd love a little boy, but I really feel it will be a girl so i'm preparing myself for it. I know that when baby comes, i'll adore him/her regardless of gender.

 

I know the feeling! I'm also due in October with what I think is my 4th boy. I know I will love this little one no matter what, but its just hard imagining not ever having a DD. I have friends who all get together for girls days and bring their daughters and it's sad to think I may never get to experience those mother daughter dates, etc.

 

I just want to thank those who responded to my post - in particular, those who have said that they do know of mothers of sons who are close to their sons still and more involved in their grandchildren's lives.  This really made me feel a sense of hope, so thank you.  I'm definitely basing this idea on what I've noticed in my family-friendly neighbourhood, but also from what I see in my husband's family (it just gives me that impression because the men in his family & extended family aren't as close to their mothers).

 Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you! :) As for the GD, I find that it comes and goes with me. Some days I'm better than others. What I'm most looking forward to at this point is our older son's interractions with our second son who is due early August of this year. I'm hoping that they develop a close bond...and I'm just so excited to think of our son now being a big brother and hopefully really caring for, loving and having a bond with his little brother! :)

One of my best friends just had her first baby today -- a little girl -- and I figured all along that it may be a girl, however I was secretly hoping it may be a boy because myself and another of our friends are having boys this summer and I thought it would be neat to have a little "boy playdate" whenever we meet up. I have to say that I wasn't feeling the GD lately as much as I have felt again today after hearing the news. In some ways I feel that she's lucky to have a daughter (and I hate to admit that...but I do have a feeling of jealousy towards her for having a girl).  Even if I am ever able to convince my husband to try one more time for a girl (for a 3rd child), I've heard people say that once you have two of one gender (especially boys), you have an even higher chance of having a 3rd of the same gender...and that scares me...although I'd feel so hopeful if I knew we could at least try one more time. 

 Does anyone have any input on that theory?  Do you all find that it tends to be more common to have 3 boys vs. 2 boys and then a girl?  Just curious.