This forum is great, but...

Thanks to the ladies who have risen above and are still here to encourage others!

About the brotherly bond, I look forward to seeing that develop too, despite their 6 year age gap. Altho they may not be as close in the types of games and activites they do together, I think there probably will be less rivalry than if they'd been 2-3 yrs apart and DS1 will sort of be an model/idol/protector for DS2 (or so I hope)!

As for the quick fix, I've lived long enough to know that that doesn't happen - it takes time. I wish I could brainwash myself out of this funk, but I can't! However, I don't want to sit passively by and wallow bitterly in self-pity for years either. I DON'T want to feel that pang of envy/anger/bitterness whenever I see little girls, esp. since my part-time job does put me in contact with kids often... As a pp noted, I just want to look at the girls, think they're cute and move on. That's why I am letting myself feel the "grief", but trying to look on the bright side too, to change my "drama queen" way of thinking. I know this GD has complex underlying issues that have to do with my latent anxiety/perfectionism/self-esteem problems. I had issues with having an only child and how society was judging me too. That's why I'm in therapy. I also want to take proactive actions, like doing the volunteer work and whatnot. I think that could take the focus off the lack of a DD and put it more on what I've got and what I'm offering my boys and potentially a girl who needs a feminine model in her life (if I become a big sister). 

I try to look at it this way: if this had been a girl, it would have been the cherry on the sundae. But since it's not, I don't want to look at my sundae dish as being half empy - it is still a full sundae, without the cherry granted.... but a full sundae nevertheless. I know it's a weird analogy, but I'm a visual person and this kind of image helps me sort out my feelings!

As for a 3rd child, I'm not closing the door completely, but I just think I'll have my hands full with two boys, esp. since I'll be almost 37 when DS2 is born. I'm just not a person who thrives on the chaos of multiple kids. I'm a calm, low-energy person. Also, adoption and HT seem just so pricey and complicated... I actually emailed a fertility clinic not too far as their stats looked good, and they just answered that they don't do PGD for family balancing purposes, and added a few little periods after (hum, as if their position if that it is ethically wrong).

Sorry for the rambling!!

anonymos:

Photo-Girl:

I think it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens while you're making other plans.". Well, I don't want that to happen to me. I want to enjoy my boys fully and not be obsessed by TTC girl or just by the fact that I don't have a girl

 

I love this!

I think this is even more apt because these are lyrics from his "beautiful Boy" song... I spent alot of time listening to it while pregnany with my son

chickfromaus:

anonymos:

Photo-Girl:

I think it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens while you're making other plans.". Well, I don't want that to happen to me. I want to enjoy my boys fully and not be obsessed by TTC girl or just by the fact that I don't have a girl

 

I love this!

I think this is even more apt because these are lyrics from his "beautiful Boy" song... I spent alot of time listening to it while pregnany with my son

 

Oh yes, the quote is from that song! Thanks for reminding me - will listen to it! Celine Dion sang it too.

 

 

Photo-Girl:

Oh yes, the quote is from that song! Thanks for reminding me - will listen to it! Celine Dion sang it too.

Check out the Ben Harper version too - just beautiful

I am part of the ones who had edg but had a dg. I know of a few ppl who has 2+ or more of the same gender like Faith Hill, Martina McBride, Mel Gibson and Tracy Gold.

I'm happy!  And, I am very proud of my children!!  I had GD with DS1.  I went to therapy for it, which helped a bit.  I have also always dealt with depression/anxiety/OCD...so, I'm sure that plays into my "love to control everything" personality.  My firstborn son is everything I could have wanted in a child.  His gender does not change that.  My GD reared it's ugly head before I knew what it was like to have a child, so I guess mine is a bit different.  As soon as I figured out what that was like, my recovery started.  No, it wasn't overnight.  My feelings had really messed with my head.  I felt my head get clearer when DS1 was about 18 months.  I realized then, that it wasn't ME who cared what the sex of my babies were...it was everyone else!  Ugh!!  And, I refused to let anyone have that kind of control over my life.  No one says negative things to me.  And you know why?  Because I say that I have 2 sons with pride!  What can they say to that?  I get the occasional "You need to have a girl" comments...but, nothing negative about the two beautiful boys I already have.  I usually come back with a "Why?"  "Or, I'm not so sure I NEED one" with a chuckle.  Then they usually are tongue-tied and stumble out with "Oh, I guess you're right...you don't NEED one."  LOL  Silly people have no idea what they are even saying!  I NEED just what I have, thank you very much!  I am on baby #3, so who knows what I might hear soon.  But, I can tell you, they will hear back from me too.  We conceived our 3rd to have a 3rd.  I always wanted at least 3.  I honestly have mixed feelings as to what I would like to have.  I don't like the family makeup of the only girl being the baby...afraid of the spoiled brat syndrome (yes, I know this is not always the case, just a fear of mine).  3 boys sounds better to me (and I used to say that was my nightmare...oh, how the times have changed!).  I will be scared to have a girl...mostly because ALL of the little girls I know right now are extremely stereotypical.  Do girls have a way of working magic on you, so that you take their crap WAY more than you would a boy??  They seem to on my friends.  I do worry that if I don't get to experience a girl of my own, that maybe I'm missing something.  I mostly think of the future...having a grandchild from a daughter I feel would be dramatically different.  But, that's it.  I've lost my interest in all things girly.  I feel sad thinking that I may never snuggle a baby boy again.   But, due to all I've learned...I have to keep reminding myself...it worked out the first time...it will workout again.  Sorry, if I sound crazy.  But, the good news is that I love what I have!!  Oh, and I am definitely over the looking at girls and girl things and feeling a longing.  That ended about when the fog lifted.  It could be that I don't like pink or frills.  It could also be that I would never want someone else's little girl anyway.  Certain kids still catch my eye...boy or girl...and I enjoy admiring their cuteness or nice behavior.  So, it's not that I don't like others' kids...it's just that it takes something special to catch my eye now...not a gender.  But, like others have said it's a process.  Obviously, I'm still in the process. 

chickfromaus:

Photo-Girl:

Oh yes, the quote is from that song! Thanks for reminding me - will listen to it! Celine Dion sang it too.

Check out the Ben Harper version too - just beautiful

 Oh my gosh, I just love him.

 

And John Lennon of course.

I don't know when to even recognize if I am over my GD!  Seriously.  Like I get through each day, I love my two boys, I am hit with the reality that I will never have a third baby - let alone a girl.  And then I go to bed and wake the next day to repeat this all over again.  I get the pangs and the ache in my heart when I think about it - but what can I do.  I can't keep holding onto a dream that will never exist for me.  I can't keep crying over my desire for a girl. 

So how do you know when you are really done with GD?  Are you ever really over it?  Or do you just lock it up in a secret box and bury it deep deep inside with all your other feelings that you are too scared to think about???

it will happen when you suddenly feel... complete i think thats the word im looking for. it happens quietly at first and you will try to fight it and try to convince yourself no no i really really want a girl, my boys really really want a sister. but you will go out to eat and you will see your boys sitting nicly while a lady nearby with a screaming newborn does everything she can to comfort her baby. you will think, "poor lady, thank goodness that isn't me." and you can look proudly at your boys being little gentlemen

   then you can go home and you can say "boys in the bath and brush your teeth." and they will jump to it. while you have a cup of tea or check your email without a toddler screaming "no!"

   the next day you will watch your boys play together and you will think, "if i had a daughter what would she be doing right now? would she play with her brothers? or would she play with barbies alone? would her brothers even want a destructive toddler to play with them?

  you play music while you clean your house or make dinner and you don't have to live in fear you will wake up a sleeping baby. the boys will get rowdy and dance and chase each other and you will think its great and you won't yell at them to "be quiet! because if you wake that baby for the love of god i will sell you to band of gypsy women." (yes i have said that before although my children think a gypsy is a dog, we had a  dog named gypsy once so they think living with dogs would be great)

   you will tel yourself over and over no this is what i want, i want a daughter. but there is a little voice in the back of your head that says, is it worth all the sleepness nights and starting over again just so hear, "yea it has a vagina" what if i hear, "sorry lady it has another penis" then if you are really crazy like me you will imagine you hear it has both, that was my dream last night anyway, but we'll save that for another topic. when the last baby gets potty trained you will realize how much money you save on diapers and wipes and not washing sheets everyday from leaking. you will try to convince yourself you can afford another baby but then you will think, but i can put the boys in karate or swimming lessons too.

thats when it hits you and yes thats probably why it took me until my oldest was 10. right now your children are little and you have a new baby so you can't even imagine what im saying is true. my baby is 9 months yes still little but almost 1 so she was just starting to fit in nicly with the girls. if you can make it 2 or 3 years without getting pregnant you will start to see what i mean. in the meantime i enjoy your new baby!

  

SAHM:

I don't know when to even recognize if I am over my GD!  Seriously.  Like I get through each day, I love my two boys, I am hit with the reality that I will never have a third baby - let alone a girl.  And then I go to bed and wake the next day to repeat this all over again.  I get the pangs and the ache in my heart when I think about it - but what can I do.  I can't keep holding onto a dream that will never exist for me.  I can't keep crying over my desire for a girl. 

So how do you know when you are really done with GD?  Are you ever really over it?  Or do you just lock it up in a secret box and bury it deep deep inside with all your other feelings that you are too scared to think about???

When this isn't happening. This happened briefly after baby boy #3 for me. And then .... It just went away as i occupied myself as a mother to boys and did a lot of things i had always wanted to do and finally had time. But some people need counseling to see that ,yes, they just don't have ths sundae they thought they ordered ;) as that is a terrific analogy. But that there isn't anything wrong with what they got.

SunnySkies:

SAHM:

I don't know when to even recognize if I am over my GD!  Seriously.  Like I get through each day, I love my two boys, I am hit with the reality that I will never have a third baby - let alone a girl.  And then I go to bed and wake the next day to repeat this all over again.  I get the pangs and the ache in my heart when I think about it - but what can I do.  I can't keep holding onto a dream that will never exist for me.  I can't keep crying over my desire for a girl. 

So how do you know when you are really done with GD?  Are you ever really over it?  Or do you just lock it up in a secret box and bury it deep deep inside with all your other feelings that you are too scared to think about???

When this isn't happening. This happened briefly after baby boy #3 for me. And then .... It just went away as i occupied myself as a mother to boys and did a lot of things i had always wanted to do and finally had time. But some people need counseling to see that ,yes, they just don't have ths sundae they thought they ordered ;) as that is a terrific analogy. But that there isn't anything wrong with what they got.

 

SAHM: Hugs, I can relate, trust me. Letting go of the dream is brutal, esp. when all around you people are living it. I don't think burying those feelings deep inside is the way to go tho, and my therapist would agree. You have to let yourself feel the disappointment, the grief, the anger, the bitterness. My therapist even mentioned that a grieving process can take up to 2 years, to a degree. That said, your second boy is born now and you say you are still crying over this...As the pp mentioned, I think therapy might be beneficial for you in that case. I was already in therapy for anxiety/perfectionism/self-esteem issues when I learned I was having another boy... but there's no reason you can't seem help just for that reason (there may be some underlying issues too, like feeling "inferior" to women who have girls). Hypnotherapy might also be considered to change your perceptions, reactions. I just feel like life is too short to be miserable like that and I refuse to go thru it with a hole in my heart, feeling like a failure. Do you have any friends who are also moms to one or all boys? I have a few and I must say it's fun to hang around them, esp. since my son has fun with their boys. I also have friends who are moms to girls or both genders, but they are not smug about it - I just can't take the smug ones anymore and stay away from them. Too bad the private messaging doesn't work anymore - I would invite you to message me as I feel we're in very similar situations!

 

Photo-Girl:

 ...it's too bad the "Rising above GD" forum is not more active because I really would love to hear about women who found peace and happiness after GD. I guess the women who rose above perhaps have no desire to come back here, kwim?

Anyway, on a side note, I started listing in my head the celebrity women who had all boys (one or more) and seem happy (...!), but can't think of many as Hollywood seems to be all pink these days (ie: of course, Jessica Simpson got the girl she wanted). These are the few I came up with:

Kate Hudson
Celine Dion
Sandra Bullock (adoptive son)
Britney Spears

 

Please  feel free to add to this list!!

 

 

It's funny i read this because i came on here after almost two years of finding out my first and only child was going to be a boy, i remember crying nonstop for hours....i had to come back today for some reason to re read my post from that day because i still can't believe i once felt sad about having a boy! I am SOOOOOOO in love with him that i want a million more just like him!!!

I just posted in Rising Above today for this reason :)

I don't have EGD any more. DH and I are expecting our 4th and I hope it's a boy but I know I wont go down that dark road again. We had a miscarriage and TTC for months. One month came around I got my period and I never cried so hard in my life. I knew then that any gender would be welcomed because of the pain I felt every month when my period arrived. Yes I admit I would love a little boy but I wont be obsessing over it like I did with my 3rd pregnancy. If it is a boy I will feel very lucky but I will also feel blessed with another princess. This will be my last child so I accept that no matter the gender we are done.

 I've risen above and I'm very content with my family of 3 boys!  Although I never had bad GD, I always wanted both sexes for my children, i just never got the girl! Now that my youngest is 2 and we have decided not to have any more kids i feel pretty great. It was like a huge weight lifted off me. I don't have to think about getting pg, the tough newborn stage, the gender of the new baby, everyone's comments, etc,  its a relief really.

I too wish that the rise above forum was more active. Hearing positive stories is really a breath of fresh air around this place.  I mean if you don't have GD, by the time you leave the GD forum you will! I was never disappointed in having boys I just wanted a girl too and reading over and over again all the posts about people who didn't want boys stung like hell. 

Now that my kids are getting older and are slightly more independent. I actually have time for me again, to sleep and do my hair, wear nice clothes. No I don't have a daughter but I'm still a girl, I can enjoy doing girly things for myself or with friends or my nieces. I bought fluffy pink towels for my bathroom the other day, (actually my sons helped me pick them out) and i felt great.  I want to be happy and not focus on what I don't have.  My three boys, they are wonderful and hilarious and I don't want to waste a minute of their childhood wishing that they were something different.  They are boys, they like what they like and i am going to embrace and get involved in it. I'm their mom but its not always about me KWIM.

Not to say i don't have my moments. When I to hear of someone popping out both genders no problem or expressing a preference and then getting exactly what they wanted I can get pretty jealous. I'm human after all,  but i can honestly say those moments are getting fewer and far between.