A daughter in heaven & sons at home.

 Hello all of you mommy's (and dad's maybe) 

I have been debating for a very long time if i should post this, but i guess that talking about it with somebody else then my hubby would probably be good.  Long story short; 

When I was 19 I feel pregnant (with what now is my ex partner) I lost the baby during the pregnancy. I always believed the back of my head she was a girl, and some time after the birth the hospital told me that I had been right. ( I never was allowed to see her at birth, never got to say goodbye. I was around 18 weeks pregnant. Its a very long emotional private story, i really wish not to divert on the Internet.) 

Years later I found what is now my wonderful husband. We unexpectedly fell pregnant thought the pill and it was a boy. I was over the moon! I was so happy he was safe and healthy.  Two years later we agreed to go for baby 2#. We where only going to have 2 children so I was really hoping for a Girl, but we agreed that a 3 was not completely out of the question. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting son #2. I was a little disappointed at first but that passed quickly. 

But a few months after my 2# son was born, I started to feel this intense urge for a daughter. Our 2# son is lovely! But he is also a hand full and now almost 2 still don't really sleep thought the night. So my husband now feels like he can't bare have another child because the idea of having another 2 years of no sleep and crying at night (my 2# son has a irritable bowl problem so cries of pain many times ) is just too much. 

He did tell me that if ( big IF) we do try for a 3# baby (if won't be for another 2 years, we need rest first and I'm attending university) but if we do we will try to swing all our chances for a girl (live in Europe so only natural way possible) . But as for now he doesn't want more kids.

Now I'm so confused. Because to be honest right now i don't want to be pregnant, but the pain of not having a daughter is fueled by the day. And what bothers me the most is that I don't know if its the daughter I lost that I miss so much or the fact I don't have a daughter with me that is making me feel this way. 

I'm terrified of trying for another baby, I keep reading all these methods and can't make up my mind on what method we could try. I feel like if we try the wrong one, we lose out on the one (maybe!) chance that we got left. (really we could not afford a 4th baby) 

What kills me to say is that I HAVE a daughter but she is not on this earth with me.  And that idea, feeling, thought (call it as you pleas) is making me fall into a GD that I never thought I would have.

:(  

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. What a terribly sad thing to happen to you. It is really difficult to know what to say, as it is impossible to truly understand what you must have been through, especially on the internet when it's all at a distance - I don't blame you for not wanting to go into too much detail. I don't really think I can help, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am, and perhaps just offer a few thoughts that occured to me when I read your email.

Firstly, it sounds as if you really do have your hands full at the moment, with the little one having tummy trouble. You must be exhausted with sleep deprivation. I always find that I feel really down about GD when I'm struggling on a practical level with my boys, either because I'm tired or they're ill/ being difficult. I start feeling sorry for myself and imagining how lovely life would be if I had a daughter. I have to remind myself that girls don't have halos - they can be a handful too. I'm just wondering if you are overwhelmed in general and need a break. Perhaps your husband is right that the question of #3 needs to be put on hold for a while?

Secondly, I am totally with you about the fear of trying for #3. My husband is totally against the idea of four children, plus we don't have the money or the space in the house (or the energy!). The next child really does have to be the last. I spent most of last year trying to decide what we should do. I finally decided on adoption. Then I did lots of reading about that and freaked out about the potential problems. I then decided to try a sway, did the diet/supplements for a month but then freaked out about that too. I was convinced that I would have another boy if I fell pregnant, and that I would have 'ruined' my last chance for a girl. Of course I would adore a boy just as I adore the two I have, but I know it won't solve my problem and I would put my marriage under huge strain trying to convince dh to go for #4. I have decided to give myself a break from trying to make a decision and hope that the answer will somehow come to me. I live in Europe too, so PGD is difficult, plus I don't really have the money. I'm 35 though, and my boys are almost 8 and 5, so the pressure is on! I have been trying to decide what to do about this since DS2 was 18 months old!

It is difficult to imagine how much harder my GD would be if I had also lost a daughter - you have my sympathy. How long ago did you lose her? Did you grieve her fully when it happened? I guess it is difficult to look on the bright side, but it sounds as if, since then, you have got your life into a much better place, met the father of your sons, had them, gone to university etc. Does that provide any comfort?

I have gone through some very painful times with GD, but I do think that it comes in waves and, as it comes and goes, it gets a little bit less strong every time. Sending you lots of hugs.

So sorry you are having such a tough time.  My best friend is in a similar situation, she lost her 3rd child and only daughter when she was stillborn, and now has had another boy, and is pg with her 4th son.  I can commiserate with her on the aspect of raising all boys, but know that I don't really understand the pain she must be going through knowing that she had a little girl, but that she's not here.  I would say that it's wise to wait a bit for another so that life is in a better place for you to have another.  Also I learned this time around that I really wanted to go into my pg with a better grasp on the reality of it being another boy, and making sure that I was going to be ok with that possibility.  There's no gaurantees without doing IVF/PGD so you really have to make sure you are ready for that to happen.  Just know that there are others out there that are going through the same heartache, and that time will help to soften the blow.  I hope you are able to eventually find peace from your GD.