Hello all of you mommy's (and dad's maybe)
I have been debating for a very long time if i should post this, but i guess that talking about it with somebody else then my hubby would probably be good. Long story short;
When I was 19 I feel pregnant (with what now is my ex partner) I lost the baby during the pregnancy. I always believed the back of my head she was a girl, and some time after the birth the hospital told me that I had been right. ( I never was allowed to see her at birth, never got to say goodbye. I was around 18 weeks pregnant. Its a very long emotional private story, i really wish not to divert on the Internet.)
Years later I found what is now my wonderful husband. We unexpectedly fell pregnant thought the pill and it was a boy. I was over the moon! I was so happy he was safe and healthy. Two years later we agreed to go for baby 2#. We where only going to have 2 children so I was really hoping for a Girl, but we agreed that a 3 was not completely out of the question. I found out at 16 weeks that I was expecting son #2. I was a little disappointed at first but that passed quickly.
But a few months after my 2# son was born, I started to feel this intense urge for a daughter. Our 2# son is lovely! But he is also a hand full and now almost 2 still don't really sleep thought the night. So my husband now feels like he can't bare have another child because the idea of having another 2 years of no sleep and crying at night (my 2# son has a irritable bowl problem so cries of pain many times ) is just too much.
He did tell me that if ( big IF) we do try for a 3# baby (if won't be for another 2 years, we need rest first and I'm attending university) but if we do we will try to swing all our chances for a girl (live in Europe so only natural way possible) . But as for now he doesn't want more kids.
Now I'm so confused. Because to be honest right now i don't want to be pregnant, but the pain of not having a daughter is fueled by the day. And what bothers me the most is that I don't know if its the daughter I lost that I miss so much or the fact I don't have a daughter with me that is making me feel this way.
I'm terrified of trying for another baby, I keep reading all these methods and can't make up my mind on what method we could try. I feel like if we try the wrong one, we lose out on the one (maybe!) chance that we got left. (really we could not afford a 4th baby)
What kills me to say is that I HAVE a daughter but she is not on this earth with me. And that idea, feeling, thought (call it as you pleas) is making me fall into a GD that I never thought I would have.