I am glad to find this forum. I also am sad, because I have been scouring the internet for days and feel like my situation is not common. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, cause even more than the taboos surrounding gender disapointment, would be the ones surrounding my situation.
I had my first child, a son I love dearly, over 5 years ago. 2 1/2 years ago we were blessed with our sweet lovely girl. Both of these babies were planned, longed for and very much wanted. When I found out I was pregnant with my son I was surprised, I had always thought I would have a girl first, but it also made perfect sense to me. It was like deep down I had knew I was having a boy. With my daughter we did a few little "folk methods" to have a girl, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was pretty sure she was a girl. I was very happy when we had it confirmed at the ultrasound. I poured all my hopes and dreams of having girls into her. I have her the most precious dream I could think of. I mad eher a quilt (just like I had for my son), etc. etc. etc.
After her birth my husband and I decided that most likely we were done. Part of my heart yearned for a third (we had originally always planned to have three), but for mostly financial reasons I thought it was unlikely. Still every time I saw a baby, I was a little sad that I wouldn never be pregnant again or have a newborn to love and that our family would not grow.
This Fall, my husband and I had an oops moment and I knew there was a possibility that I was pregnant. Instead of any secret joy, that I thought I would have if this happened, I was devistated. The reality of having a third made me confront how incredibly financially stressed it would make our family. I had also just happened to start to be o.k. with the idea of two. I have a boy and a girl and they LOVE each other. They are a perfect pair and it was like a third would disturb that balance. Not to mention we have no where to easily physically put a third baby in our home. I cried and cried, I was depressed for at least a week. I felt incredibly guilty for taking away from the two we already have.
Then I started to convince myself that it was going to be o.k., if we were going to have a third, it was probably better to do it sooner than later, etc. Subconciously, and maybe a little conciously, I started to think of this third baby as a boy. I had ALWAYS wanted two sons. I wanted a brother for my son and as a child I had always wanted an older brother and a little brother. I would be able to give my dream to my daughter, she would get the older brother to protect and look after her and the younger one to ooh and awe after without feeling any direct competition with them. I would still have that special one on one bond with my daughter, but my son would get the brother he had been asking for since my daughter was 3 months old. It was going to be o.k. I could invision the quilt my mom would make for a baby boy, how it would go along with my son's stuff, how they would share a room and have a trundle bed, blah blah blah. In all of this my daughter would be the little princess of the family.
Then three days ago we went in for our anatomy ultrasound, I was sure it was just going to be a confirmation of what I laready knew, we were having a boy! My family would be complete and perfect.
Then the tech said clear as day, it's a girl! And I saw those three lines, no denying it for sure. My heart sank, I tried to hold back tears I could feel welling in my eyes. It hasn't gotten better. My heart hurts, I feel crushed and I feel horrible.
This pregnancy was hard, I already was having a hard time bonding with the idea of another child, boy or girl. The thing that was keeping me going was that it would be the 2nd boy I'd always wanted. I feel so lost. All the articles I read on GD talk about women who have all of one sex and yearn to have just one of the other. Here I am with one of each and I am devistated that I will never have that second boy and that now I have to split my mother daughter bond between two little girls. I am sad that my one on one bond with my daughter won't be the same anymore. Most of all, what scares me, is how will this get better. Every story I have read is that ultimately women remember how much they wanted the baby and become comfortable with it not being what they had dreamed. I feel horrible writing this, but I didn't really want this pregnancy, so how do I bond with a baby that I have yet to bond with 4.5 months into the pregnancy, and now the one thing I was depending on to bond us isn't there? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I thought I was a decent mother, and now I don't even know. What is wrong with me....