I think you are going to be surprised when the baby arrives and she does the simple act of looking at you for the first time. What you haven't experienced yet is that vulnerable needy child, fresh into the world...she is dependent on you and your wife, for your love and care. When she arrives, you will probably be overwhelmed by the amazing feelings that come flooding into your heart. You cannot help but fall in love, whatever the gender. You just look into their eyes, that little soul...it takes my breath away just thinking about it. It is very natural to feel instantly protective and in love and I think you will see that this is a life changing moment. It is a surreal experience, an experience unlike anything you could ever imagine.
I had GD with my first, wanting a girl very much and having a boy. So, I know what it feels like and I know that I could never have imagined that all those feelings could have washed away the instant they placed that baby in my arms. When I had my first son, I was 25...but I did feel that I had the future ahead of me to have a daughter, so it did help me deal with my GD somewhat. Next baby was the daughter I hoped for, and I had always wanted daughters...for my daughter to have a sister because I am close with mine. Well, the next babies have all been boys...and with turning 40 in just a few weeks and pregnant with # 5 (another boy), the GD is the worst I have ever experienced. I think my pregnancy hormones have also been out of whack, because one day I feel as though I've died inside, CANNOT and refuse to accept this.....and the very next day I feel definitely more stable and I can accept this fine. I know that mothers who haven't had a daughter wouldn't understand how I could have such deep feelings, but having had GD before my daughter, I think it's worse now than ever. I had a dream of what our family would be and just assumed I'd have two girls in there somewhere...only to find out that dream is most likely not going to happen. Plus I will mention that my boys all have varying degrees (on the high functioning side) of autism, where our daughter does not...so it adds another dimension to the disappointment and is difficult in another way. I know what to expect with dealing with autism, life is not like everyone else's, but it's normal for us at this point. We love all our children the same, autism or not...boy or girl! The other thing is that I think I have reached our family limit possibly, with 5....but if I could somehow guarantee with gender selection a girl, I would do everything in my power to convince my hubby, but I don't even know if any of that is possible at this point. I have to look into this.
So what I say to you, is that you DO have time ahead for your son, whether you have your own or adopt. I don't think you need to make tons of money to have a family either, if you are wise with your money. Children do have basic needs that need to be met, of course, but they need YOU more than a lot of the other trappings that society thinks a "good parent" provides. A good parent is patient and loving, is there for the child, and accepts them unconditionally. No amount of money can make a parent be a good parent.
I would give anything to be able to trade my blue dust for your pink...if only. What you feel is what you feel. We can't help our feelings, there isn't a button to turn them off (if only there were!) I am focusing on everything positive in my life and being productive, to help me emotionally and mentally, and I think it's helping. I feel that life is full of tests, and I recognize this as one of them. Sometimes things are hard, for reasons we may not know why at the time, but we will become stronger for it...you will too. You will see, but right now it's painful, I know. Your wife needs you to be as strong as you can right now, that is your challenge. You need to work on getting your mind in the right place for her and for your baby girl on the way, because they both deserve that. It won't be easy, but life is testing you now and you need to prove to yourself that you can. You can. I've had GD before and I am going through it again and it WILL get better, I promise.
I wished that my sons had been girls (when pregnant) and now that they are here, if someone said I will give you the daughter you desire but I need to take one of these boys away, NO WAY!!!! I love them all, even if I was disappointed in their gender at some point. Even if I still wish our family was more balanced with boys and girls. Even if my boys all have autism. I have learned that you love the person, not the gender...and I can say that and STILL wish for one more girl. It's how we relate, it's our dreams, it's normal. Love is the lesson!