Baby is nearly here

I know many of you know my situation, but I just feel this still weighing so heavily upon me that it is nice to write my feelings out so I do not feel so alone.

My daughter is due anytime now but I am still having trouble being excited. I am excited about being there and seeing her for the first time. I am excited about being a parent and a great dad. Things have been rough because I just hope that I can look to the future with (hopefully) being able to adopt a son without feeling upset that my daughter should have been the son I prayed for. My moods have been worse than my really prego wife's and it has really been hard on our relationship. After we found out we were having a girl, I've been writing here and in a private journal (I know, sounds very teenager-ish) to try to get some of my frustration and sadness out without talking to/upsetting my wife. The other night, I wrote her an apology note for my less-than-thrilled attitude and for moping about. Also, I told her how much I love her and cannot wait for us to be parents. I also wrote my dad an apology for failing to have a son to pass on our family name to the next generation. I wanted so badly to share a 4 generation Tyler men picture since his dad is still alive (93 years old) but regret that I am not "man enough" to do that. I am a religious man but I have really questioned God about all this when I should be thankful. We are relatively young (25) and could possibly try for a second child, but looking at our family history of soooooo many females v males, and that the multitude of prayers that were sent up over the gender of this baby, I just know we'd get another girl. Had we had a boy we would have only tried for one child (a teacher and radiologic tech do not earn very much) but now I am set on a second. I hope and pray that we are able to adopt in the future and that I will have a son to pass so much on to.

 

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. It's not like your "wanting" to feel this way. That is why most people do not understand GD at all and when people actually try to talk about it they get shut down which makes them feel even worse. I also believe people can make GD worse by their dumbass comments as well. I am expecting my second son in October after PRAYING for a girl. My GD is basically gone now but when it first appeared it hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat in bed and cried, went out with my son and cried..everywhere I went and there were little girls I was wishing more and more that they were mine. I also went through a stage where I actually felt like God was punishing me. WHY do people who dont deserve kids AT ALL get their desired gender but I am a good mom, and prayed for a girl all my life and I get the second boy. Peoples comments about "how they are so sorry its another boy" or "oh god that sucks" or "you will have you hands full" dont help at all and actually make me sad for this baby. Im sure as SOON as your daughter is born she will be wrapped around your finger. I was a tom boy all my life and the good thing about girls is it doesn't really matter if they are girly or not but it would kind of be a problem if a boy was girly haha. So just tihnk, you can still have that awesome daddys girl but also teach her an awesome right hook or how to throw a football. Im 22 and this is my second so at 25 you deff still have time! Maybe even adoption would be great and I hear it is pretty reasonable if you go through a private lawyer and not an agency. The best thing about YOUR children though is how they get certain traits and looks from their parents. My son looks NOTHING like me but yet when he makes a certain face I can "FEEL" my face forming to what hes doing..its hard to explain but its so neat. Imagine how gorgeous a daughter would be too, your heart will just melt and im sure you will be trying to keep the boys AWAY! so good luck with everything and I hope this gets easier on you, and I hope she just grabs your heart!

SadDad:

I also wrote my dad an apology for failing to have a son to pass on our family name to the next generation. I wanted so badly to share a 4 generation Tyler men picture since his dad is still alive (93 years old) but regret that I am not "man enough" to do that.

Sorry, to be that blunt but I find that sexist. You shouldn't need to apologise to your Dad because one of your X-sperms was faster than all the others. Will your little girl one day have to apologise to her Dad because she is such a huge disappointment for your? Having a daugther is not a failure. Just because you don't have a son doesn't mean that you are not a man. Being a man is SO about different things - like not making your wife feel miserable while she is pregnant with your child.

Have you ever heard about Henry VIII? He was so obsessed with having a son that he divorced and beheaded several of his wives. And the daugther who was his greatest disappointment turned out to be one of the greatest monarchs in English history - Elizabeth I.

I really hope that your daughter will one day be your Elizabeth I.

I know how you feel.  I went through this last year before my Son was born.  Hate to say it but its even worse after the baby is born. Having people ask about the new baby - for me that was unbearable.   

So sorry you are disappointed sweetie but if you walk out of that hospital with a healthy baby you hold your head up high, love her for who she is and when you do get sad think about your future adopted Son!!....i know i do!!. Adoption is an amazing thing, quite a few of my friends have done it (all wanted and adopted girls) but in our case we can get a boy and one day you WILL. You love your wife for giving you a Daughter and no need to apologise to your Dad or anyone else. When i read that statement it SO much reminded me of what the Chinese would do!. Your Daughter will be amazing!!, a real little sweetie, and you'll still get your dream one day too!!-think like this!!. Yes one would economically have been better but you will need to have 2 now.....just don't go beyond that!!!, you'll have a PP. I hope all works out for you.

Futagono:

SadDad:

I also wrote my dad an apology for failing to have a son to pass on our family name to the next generation. I wanted so badly to share a 4 generation Tyler men picture since his dad is still alive (93 years old) but regret that I am not "man enough" to do that.

Sorry, to be that blunt but I find that sexist. You shouldn't need to apologise to your Dad because one of your X-sperms was faster than all the others. Will your little girl one day have to apologise to her Dad because she is such a huge disappointment for your? Having a daugther is not a failure. Just because you don't have a son doesn't mean that you are not a man. Being a man is SO about different things - like not making your wife feel miserable while she is pregnant with your child.

Have you ever heard about Henry VIII? He was so obsessed with having a son that he divorced and beheaded several of his wives. And the daugther who was his greatest disappointment turned out to be one of the greatest monarchs in English history - Elizabeth I.

I really hope that your daughter will one day be your Elizabeth I.

Exactly.

Do you live in a cave or something? Even people in developing countries would not have such a backward mindset. Apologizing because she can't carry your name forward? Um me, my sister and my daughters will be carrying our name forward. Oh and my sister and I both make more than our husbands ever will.

And in a previous post you were upset because your wife was so excited and didn't share in your feelings? At least someone will be excited over your precious baby.

And please, you don't know anything about parenting and you've already decided that she will fall short of your expectations for reasons she can't control? Most women here are upset because the sons (or daughters) they expect doubt have certain behavioral traits that they desire, not for something uncontrollable. For example the closeness and bond with their sons or daughters.If you say you doubt you will share interest/childhood experiences with your daughter that is understandable. But to come on a predominantly women forum and say that men are better and that having daughters is unmanly - don't expect support. We are all women who have strong ideas about our independence and abilities.

I never thought men so sexist still existed, but I was clearly wrong. This is one of the biggest reasons I didn't want sons - male chauvinism and their sense of superiority, and your post has really brought back my GD and now I'm even more cynical about my son's future attitudes and behavior.

I think you are going to be surprised when the baby arrives and she does the simple act of looking at you for the first time.  What you haven't experienced yet is that vulnerable needy child, fresh into the world...she is dependent on you and your wife, for your love and care.  When she arrives, you will probably be overwhelmed by the amazing feelings that come flooding into your heart.  You cannot help but fall in love, whatever the gender.  You just look into their eyes, that little soul...it takes my breath away just thinking about it.   It is very natural to feel instantly protective and in love and I think you will see that this is a life changing moment.  It is a surreal experience, an experience  unlike anything you could ever imagine.

   I had GD with my first, wanting a girl very much and having a boy.  So, I know what it feels like and I know that I could never have imagined that all those feelings could have washed away the instant they placed that baby in my arms.  When I had my first son, I was 25...but I did feel that I had the future ahead of me to have a daughter, so it did help me deal with my GD somewhat.  Next baby was the daughter I hoped for, and I had always wanted daughters...for my daughter to have a sister because I am close with mine.  Well, the next babies have all been boys...and with turning 40 in just a few weeks and pregnant with # 5 (another boy), the GD is the worst I have ever experienced.  I think my pregnancy hormones have also been out of whack, because one day I feel as though I've died inside, CANNOT and refuse to accept this.....and the very next day I feel definitely more stable and I can accept this fine.   I know that mothers who haven't had a daughter wouldn't understand how I could have such deep feelings, but having had GD before my daughter, I think it's worse now than ever.  I had a dream of what our family would be and just assumed I'd have two girls in there somewhere...only to find out that dream is most likely not going to happen.  Plus I will mention that my boys all have varying degrees (on the high functioning side) of autism, where our daughter does not...so it adds another dimension to the disappointment and is difficult in another way.  I know what to expect with dealing with autism, life is not like everyone else's, but it's normal for us at this point.  We love all our children the same, autism or not...boy or girl!  The other thing is that I think I have reached our family limit possibly, with 5....but if I could somehow guarantee with gender selection a girl, I would do everything in my power to convince my hubby, but I don't even know if any of that is possible at this point.  I have to look into this.

   So what I say to you, is that you DO have time ahead for your son, whether you have your own or adopt.  I don't think you need to make tons of money to have a family either, if you are wise with your money.   Children do have basic needs that need to be met, of course, but they need YOU more than a lot of the other trappings that society thinks a "good parent" provides.  A good parent is patient and loving, is there for the child, and accepts them unconditionally.  No amount of money can make a parent be a good parent. 

  I would give anything to be able to trade my blue dust for your pink...if only.  What you feel is what you feel.  We can't help our feelings, there isn't a button to turn them off (if only there were!)  I am focusing on everything positive in my life and being productive, to help me emotionally and mentally, and I think it's helping.  I feel that life is full of tests, and I recognize this as one of them.  Sometimes things are hard, for reasons we may not know why at the time, but we will become stronger for it...you will too.  You will see, but right now it's painful, I know.  Your wife needs you to be as strong as you can right now, that is your challenge.  You need to work on getting your mind in the right place for her and for your baby girl on the way, because they both deserve that.   It won't be easy, but life is testing you now and you need to prove to yourself that you can. You can.  I've had GD before and I am going through it again and it WILL get better, I promise.

  I wished that my sons had been girls (when pregnant) and now that they are here, if someone said I will give you the daughter you desire but I need to take one of these boys away, NO WAY!!!!   I love them all, even if I was disappointed in their gender at some point.  Even if I still wish our family was more balanced with boys and girls.  Even if my boys all have autism.  I have learned that you love the person, not the gender...and I can say that and STILL wish for one more girl.  It's how we relate, it's our dreams, it's normal.  Love is the lesson!     

  

Guys please please please don't bash saddad for the things he has written on here. Yes he has said some things that many of us won't agree with but we really need to remember that what he is saying is clearly deeply routed within his severe GD. Just because he is a man doesn't mean that his suffering is any less than us women. I am so sad that saddad feels that he has to apologise to his own dad for not producing a son - it is clear that his GD is at least in part caused by the expectations/pressure that he feels for not giving the family a boy at last. That is not fair on dad, mum or the little girl that is so soon to be in this world. We also need to remember that saddad's little girl is not even here yet. Her arrival into the world will hopefully turn his world upside down. I really hope you fall in love with her saddad as you are clearly a caring person. I am so glad that you have posted -i have been wondering whether your little girl had arrived yet as i had not seen any posts from yoy recently. Please don't be discouraged from posting. If you need to vent then vent. Let us know when she arrives. I for one will be thinking of you.

Ok, I have to say it because this website lately is getting me soooo mad!  This is a SUPPORT GROUP people and we shouldn't be JUDGING ANYONE for how they feel!  My motto is until you live in someone else's shoes you can't really know how you would react.  How many of us have been judged because we have GD just in general.  I have looked at other websites that call us "crazy" or "ungrateful" etc and let me tell you that is not who most of us are. 

 Saddad- I know how you feel.  I am still personally finding it difficult to be excited about our upcoming son who is also due relatively soon.  Considering that I have been through GD for now 5 years straight I do have a bit of insight that you will love your daughter with all your heart and I will love my son with all my heart.  I am a firm believer that once the baby has a "personality" the GD does go away for that particular child.  My last GD baby is such a little "ham" I couldn't imagine my life without him now even though the entire pregnancy I was completely unexcited to meet him. 

Look at it this way- if you had had a boy you wouldn't be blessed with the idea of a second child since you claim you would have been done.  Also, I really think you have something most of us are missing and that is time.  Your 25 years old and you can start a money fund today to either go the adoption route or high tech.  My husband and I are both in our upper 30's and on our 4th child so things are definately more iffy for us.  We are still planning on adoption in the future ourselves and eightin08 is a great prep talker!  She makes me feel so much better when I'm getting down on the whole process.

 I'm just glad you recognize that there is a family history of "girls" in the family and that your chances of a biological boy are reduced because of that.  I wish I had looked a little closer at our history because I would haven't put so much faith in "swaying" and would probably went a different route for our much wanted daughter. 

I'm sorry you are feeling the baby blues so early saddad! I will be honest and share this with you though...I had very bad GD during my first pregnancy, I wanted a boy so bad I could taste it. Only at that time I had no idea what was "wrong" with me...when she was born I was oh so in love with her, she was magical...she was calm and patient, never fussed or mussed, so easy going and and all in easy going baby. However as a newborn and infant those GD feelings left because of her innosence, and I have a feeling you will feel the same way...she didn't need to be a girl, she wasn't talking about baby dolls, ballet class or all the things that make me uncomfortable...she was a baby and all she needed was my love, boy or girl.

Fast forward to when she was around 2-3 she's extremely feminine, and eeryone of my fears come true, i found myself being short with her on occasions but it wasn't HER...it was FEAR....it was a fear of the unknown, that "helpless" feeling. My daughter was still my ddaughter and she still needed me, but in a less infant type way and I realized that her personality was shining through and there was noting I could do about it...I half expected/hoped for a tomboy type, a clone of me, but she wasnt...she was Adysen and I still adored everything about her, but it got more difficult for me. I think if this is your case just try and remember it's not going to be HER you will be upset/having a hard time with, it will be your own self and your own image...but also know she will teach you things you never knew you culd learn. Embrace that.

My DH and I REALLY hoped and prayed for a little boy this time (this is his first baby) and when we found out she was a girl he had similar feelings to yours...however, his own dad, uncle and bestfriend have sowrn to him that although they too wanted a boys (and ended up getting them) they are nowhere in comparison to their daughters. And he's over the moon excited now, to have that bond with her...already talks about fishing trips, hunting etc...has even taken my super girly girl a few times and we put her in T-Ball and he helped her out and they had a blast together. So even though she's not a "boy" those little moments you spend sharing your hobbies with her will be MEMORIES, good solid memories and she will forever cherish them. My own father and I are 10 times closer and share 10 times more hobbies than he shares with my brothers...and I was the youngest child after 4 boys!!! So you just never know...

It is hard, and like I said above, you may find yourself frustrated at times, but share your inteerests, include her and just love her...because the love she will give back to you can never ever ever be replaced if you go on to have 10 sons. there is something ultra special about your first born child. And she IS and WILL BE your legacy...you just dont know it yet.

Thank you for the replies and thoughts. I am very grateful for the replies that are helpful, rather than the two who obviously do not understand that it is not about being sexist, it is about the huge pressure that was put upon us to finally have a boy in our family and my own dreams. My in laws and my parents wanted a boy very badly and that was pretty much put on me.

 I know she will be wonderful. I am a "kid person" (obviously, or I wouldn't teach elementary) and I have the same expectations and hope for her as I would for a son. She will not be shoved away or put down or an any way become second-place. This is nothing against her, because she had nothing to do with this, it is just sadness because I want so desperately to try again but too afraid to do it when the time comes.

There is a teacher at my school who adopted privately after finding a birthmother and didnt use an agency. I want to do it like she did: they got to be there for his birth, name him, we want to make sure he doesnt get circ'ed, and my wife and I be the first people he gets handed to. My friend went through the whole process for $4000 all said-and-done. Then we will have that PP family, I am just really impatient right now.

Sending hugs - gender disappointment just really stinks. You will love her, you will be an amazing dad, you will never be disappointed in HER, and yet you may still get a pang when you think about how your first wasn't a boy. It's ok to have conflicting emotions, and know that - with time - it really does get better.  You have an amazing adoption to look forward to as well, so try not to let the disappointment of the here-and-now impact what should be such a special time. You only have your first baby once, and those early days go by so fast. It's so unfair that they can be tainted by anything negative, including unwanted feelings of gender disappointment. Hold your head high, commit to being an amazing father, and look forward to the day that you will have your very perfect family - it may not have come in the order you had wanted, but look at it this way - you may not have ended up adopting a little boy who will really need you to be his dad if you had gotten a boy this time around. Life has a funny way of sorting itself out - you just have to be patient and open to the possibility. Easier said than done, I know.  Hang in there, and congratulations in advance - I hope you'll post some pictures!

Edited to add - I think that gender disappointment can be way worse for those people who work around children all the time, like teachers and labor/delivery nurses.  It must be hard to look at all the kids who are the gender that you want.  That may make it harder for you as a teacher, I don't know - but it's another reason to just go really easy on yourself right now.  No one CHOOSES gender disappointment, and there's nothing wrong or bad about people who have it. It's a fact of life and the challenge is to find a way to overcome it. Thankfully, our kids really help with that because, regardless of their gender, they are OUR children and they can't help but bring joy to our lives.  You don't know that quite yet because you're awaiting your first baby - just just wait, you'll be amazed.

SadDad:

I am very grateful for the replies that are helpful, rather than the two who obviously do not understand that it is not about being sexist,

You implied that men who have daughters are not "men enough" and I find this extremely offensive. And writing a note to your dad APOLOGIZING FOR HAVING A DAUGHTER....it IS sexist and its also beyond stupid.
You really lost me with this thread. It is one thing to dream about a child of a certain gender and be disappointed about not getting one but entirely another to openly imply that one sex is just not good enough. Not good enough to the point of feeling the need to apologize for making a child of that sex. Next thing we know, you will require your daughter to write an apology note to yourself as well as the patriarchs of your ROYAL family (I am assuming) for not being a son and heir. This way she will be able to compensate somewhat for spoiling the family picture of Tyler MEN.
Let me tell you this. If you are unmanly it is not because you have produced a daughter but because you keep whining about it like a spoiled little girl who didn't get her candy, instead of getting over it like a real man should. Like real men do. My dad had 2 girls and no sons and my husband has one girl so far. Neither of them ever wrote stupid little apology notes, kept a diary of their "gender disappointment" , made their wives lives miserable on that account or ran complaining to a bunch of ladies to get their "support". Yes, you are not a man enough.
Before somebody jumps on me for not offering support. As a women and a mother of a girl, I can offer none to someone who thinks that producing girls is unmanly and worth apologizing for.

Sasha I am so glad that nobody in your family has issues with girls - i long for a daughter and as such i am so with you about girls being just as good as boys. But i really don't think that saddad is sexist. He is a school teacher who clearly cares deeply for kids. Of course he does or he wouldn't be in that job - i should know as my dh is a teacher. It is relatively low pay for a very demanding job. Anyway, the feelings of needing to apologise to his father in my view do not come from him being sexist but rather the imense pressure that has been put upon him from his family in wantng to have a son. I have seen loads of posts on here from women with girls who long to give their husbands sons and feel low that a son has not blessed their family. None of them have been accused of sexism - why? Because they are women? Because they are more worthy of our support? Saddad has come on here to express his feelings so as to spare his wife any more heartache than has befalled her from his feelings and to find solace for his own. He has not come on here for criticism - i am sure that woukd be readily available to him on a whole host of web forums. To imply hat saddad is not a real man is in my view mean. So he comes on here for support, so he writes a journal. What is wrong with that? I feel as though comng on here to vent is a form of therapy and writing a journal helps to clear one's thoughts and gets rid of some of the clouds. And writing it down probably stops him from needing to express his gd over and over again to his heavily pregnant wife. You say it shows he is not a 'real man' well if your idea of a real man is to repress his feelings (to which he -just as any woman is entitled to) and potentially store up trpuble for later then so be it. But by tapping into his true emotions and trying his best to work through it I woukd say that he is a true man.

I am sure it will all be fine when she arrives. You will love her no matter what.